I'm home.

It's funny. As much as I dislike certain aspects of Longview (the fundamental religious fervor, the lack of culture, the ultra-conservative bias), I've wanted to be here most of this year - and coming here two nights ago was coming home. There's just a feeling of being at ease here, of familiar and comforting things: the pack of dogs coming to greet me at the kitchen door, the pine trees reaching skyward with their needles whispering in the breezes and their christmas-y scent everywhere, the funny but wonderfully different east texas accent (thank yew... awl fields... bob war fences... and the list continues)... so many little scenes, sounds and scents I remember from 18 years of growing up.

And yet, if I decide to continue in grad school after college, I cannot come back for good.

As much as I enjoy the atmosphere of this place, I can't escape the sobering realization that there's nothing here for me. Longview has no college with a top-notch biology- or history-related graduate school program, and no job opportunities in that field within a 3 hour radius. Coming back here would mean forsaking my dreams.

And the question I'm left with is, where do I fit in now? LA isn't my home by a long shot - the culture's great, but not worth the terrible air you're breathing. As Mom said when I was driving her from LAX, "Wow, the air's so clear here... you can see for miles!" My response? "Mom, you're supposed to be seeing mountains ahead." "WHAT?!" The urban sprawl will never be my home, but rural areas just don't have the grad school and job opportunities I'll be looking for in a few years. I guess there's still time to figure it out, but it feels like the clock is ticking.

It's time to go for dinner, but I might as well post some poetry that coalesced in my mind on the descent into Dallas.

Flying westward, passing from day's brightness into night
Looking out the window for the first stars...
Yet constellations of light appear below instead -
Outlying towns transformed into Cassiopeia and Ursa Major
Microwave towers into dim reddish pulsars
The sprawling lit suburbs of Dallas, the outflung arms of the Milky Way
Such beauty there is on the ground...

And up above, Venus appears from the depths of the darkened celestial vault
Burning brightly, a beacon in the night

Ruminations on the End of Term

Today was the best day I've had in a long, long time - ranks up in the top 5 days of the past year, up there with Ditch Day and Christmas.

I started out with a history exam at 9 after waking at 7:40 to study... compared to o chem and vertebrate evolution, this was cake mix. As refreshing as a gentle summer breeze. I finish that exam in high spirits, turn it in, and find out that a bunch of moles are going to Zuma Beach - even better.

6 hours later, after basking in the sun, bodysurfing for hours, and generally enjoying myself among friends, I'm feeling better than I have in weeks. It's strange that things only began looking up at the end of this year - the rest could've been straight from hell.

And, of course, I have poetry to add - for some reason, the beach always inspires me to write something. Oddly enough, this one seems to be a pretty good analogy for tech. One of these days, I might actually polish it into something decent.
---
Wading out into the chilled, ice-blue ocean
Waves breaking into foam, lapping against my feet, ankles, knees...
Rises to my waist
Swells approaching
Ready... wait... wait... now!
Push up from bottom,
Rise with the wave swelling above my shoulders and
Sink as it passes on its journey shoreward.
Watch it continue on its path to the shore
Curls and eddies of driven sand swirling beneath its surface, and send
Tendrils of its dying breath onto the beach

Distracted, I turn to face the next wave
Breaking scant feet away, and feet above my head
Creamy foam and drops of water spattering my face
Caught offguard
Leap upwards into the angry white turbulence, a chance to rise above...
Borne downwards, battered by the churning sea
Tumbling up left right down around down right left down
Fighting for up, sweet air, clawing into the sand
Gasp - air!
Next swell rises above, filling my mouth
Inhale salty brine, cough, shoved under again
Tossed along at the waves' mercy
Until the raging waters slow, and
Deposit me in shallower waters

Surfacing,
Gulping sweet air into brine-drenched lungs
Laughter spilling from my lips, I turn
Face the next wave...

Hm. I think about getting a weblog for nearly a year, and now that I have one, I can't think of what to say.

I suppose I should post at least this token statement before dashing off to finish my last two exams of the year:
I'm DONE with organic chemistry FOREVER!! :)

More later, after I finish up exams and come up with some more poetry to post here. Shouldn't be long...