Well, here I am. Most of my friends are leaving for the rest of the summer; only a few are sticking around until right before term begins. Within a week, I will have the solitude I so dearly wanted earlier this summer; we'll see if that's really what I need. I sometimes don't know who I am anymore, I change so much from day to day - perhaps space will help clarify what's going on in my head. In any case, I'll miss you guys... have fun on your break, and see you when term begins.

Aside from the temporary identity crisis, life's pretty darn good right now. I can't remember being this happy since during, or maybe even before frosh year. I'm beginning to really enjoy labwork, I have time to ride twice a week and practice flute, not to mention reading and watching movies, whenever I feel like it. It's a shame this summer has to end - I was just getting into the swing of things. *sigh* Ah well, fall term shouldn't be terribly difficult. The plan right now: Bi 150, Bi 122, Bi 80, Bi/Ch 110, H 142, and perhaps Bi 145. And orchestra, if I don't botch the audition. And hopefully yoga, and riding once a week too. And a few hours of labwork for Veronica per week. I think that'll be enough to keep me busy, with enough diversity and fun stuff to maintain the good mood I've found this summer. *crosses fingers* We'll see soon enough.

Riding updates: I've now ridden Connecticut and Rhode Island. If I keep going like this, I'll have gone through the whole stable by fall term. RI was a good ride - easygoing, a bit slow at first, but a nice mover. Ct was ok - gaits are a bit stiff, rather slow, though a bit too spooky to be a solid beginner horse. Vermont and Tennessee are still the favorites, with Maine and Texas as close followers, New Mexico a fair fifth. I'm rapidly becoming addicted... maybe I'll try to get PE credit for a riding/yoga combination this term. It's definitely a leg workout - whoever said riding wasn't a sport never had to post without stirrups for a half hour. And communicating with the horse adds another dimension; it's hard to explain, but there's a real feeling of accomplishment after a good ride.

SURF updates: I'm here for another 4 weeks, then home for one week before term starts. Hopefully the in situs with the new batch of probes will work... today's botched set makes the fifth that haven't worked well. Drat those RNAses, degrading my probes and wasting my time. At least I've accomplished a third of what I intended to so far this summer - the in situs would be another large chunk of my SURF paper.

Random thoughts: The books for H 142 look promising - the majority are novels, it seems. Hooray for reading the Grapes of Wrath again!
Another week, and I'll be starting flute lessons with Professor Woodward at Oxy. Here's to hoping I make orchestra again this year. Not sure yet whether I'll be entering the concerto competition, but I'm definitely considering it. I'll probably pick the music within the next couple weeks... anyone mind being an accompanist?
I prefer the yoga instructor who teaches during term to the summer one - I miss the routine. Never realized I was such a creature of habit, until she began calling the postures "out of order" with what I was used to. First thought: "what the?!? That's not right!"
Sometimes, being perceptive about others can be a real curse. You sense something happening, and feel helpless to do or say anything about it, for fear of a misunderstanding... it's like knowing a tornado's coming. All you can do is batten down the hatches and hide in the closet to weather the storm, and hope everything'll be ok afterwards.
All's well at home, and boy is that a relief. Mom, Dad, and Kat - please hug Red for me, and tell him I love him, and wish he was here. I miss my Red dog...
Ideas for winter term: audition for shakespeare play, take second term of elementary German, another anthropology class, history junior tutorial under deverell or rosenstone. Who knows what the future holds?

I think that's more'n enough to make up for the past week of no posts. Night all.

Today was an awesome day. No problems with the in situs in lab, a leisurely read at lunch, praise from Veronica on sequencing the A. miniata Delta gene (a major portion of my SURF completed! hooray!), a good time riding at TES with Yussanne and Andrea, watching MST 3k: The Mole-People in 40 from the hammock (and being the first person to fall while getting into it), and practicing flute.

Details, details:
Riding: Rode Vermont today, who I'd never ridden before. A lovely but huge dapple grey... there's nothing like walking into the stall to groom and tack up and realising that your eyes are not quite level with the horse's withers. I was a little apprehensive at first - I mean, that's another foot or so to fall if something happens. But Vermont was a perfect gentleman. Excellent stable manners, only surpassed by his eagerness in the ring. Apparently, he's usually brought out for dressage lessons, not beginner group lessons. In any case, aside from the initial shock (from realizing exactly how much horse was under me after I mounted) and remembering how to breathe easily again, the lesson went pretty darn well. After the lesson, Julia even complimented me on how well I'd ridden - I still think it was mainly him, but she did say that we were a nice match. Here's to hoping I'll ride him again next Monday... :)
Unfortunately, Julia was under stress during the lesson, since the new director at TES was watching her teach and later stepped in to give part of the lesson... reminded me of the teaching evaluations in grade school. Hopefully the director won't find fault with her; she's incredible as a teacher, blending learning with a good deal of humor - I can't think of anyone else who, while coaching body movement in canter and yelling suggestions in the ring, has described the correct movement as being "overtly sexual" (so Yussanne tells me). Though Davee's come close with her description of posting: "It's not popping up and down, it's more of a pelvic movement. Well... hate to say it, but it's like you're humping the saddle." Yussanne and I nearly fell off the fence with laughter that time (we were watching Andrea's lesson at the time). Ah, riding instructors... This and flute will keep me sane during this year. A shame I'll have to cut back to once a week and just one instructor, but it's so much fun - not just the riding, but being around so many large animals again. Sure, they aren't dogs, but it's awfully close.

The hammock experience: I've earned the dubious honor of being the first person to fall off the desk bed while trying to get into the hammock in 40. Amazingly, I managed to miss the chair and trash can on the way down, escaping with only minimal bruises. Try your luck, you could be next! ;) No, really, it's a darn comfy hammock. Perfect for a nap or watching a movie in there. Not the best or most secure vantage point for pillow fights, but it's got potential. =^)

Time for sleeping. Night all.

Since I'm tired, this'll be a short update through the Pismo trip. I'll fill in more details later, if I ever get around to 'em.

Pismo highlights:
-a refreshing midnight stroll with Niffer and Mary along the beach for a couple miles with our camping stuff
-getting stuck in the sand, not on the beach, but in the RV park (ah, the shame)
-adventures in ditching a pallet... final resting place: back of Vons.
-20 miles of the scenic route along the PCH with Yussanne, looking for 'the 22' instead of '22nd street'. oops. thank goodness for nice elderly folk with detailed maps.
-ocean kayaking with Rebecca - getting beyond the breakers without flipping (hooray!), seeing a couple otters popping up here and there, paddling up and down the shoreline, and screaming in on one heckuva wave. So much fun. =^)
-Mike's amazing streak of luck with cards...
-fun with sand dunes - getting buried up to my neck, getting my ears covered, closing my eyes... hey, where'd everyone go?
-Mafia 'round the campfire, and getting murdered by fellow townspeople every single game. Thanks guys.
-the morning 'adventure ride' with Yussanne and Fred - nothing like a brisk gallop along the beach. On an edgy horse. Without a helmet. Um, sure it's safe...
-getting 'oceaned' for random puns (esp. the otter series). Apparently, punning isn't something you otter do in sight of a whole lotta water... (thanks Mike D and Jeff, that was really something)

Realizations:
-You don't realize how much someone's friendship means to you until you're afraid you've mortally offended them. And I'm damn lucky to have people who care about me even when I don't deserve it.
-Someone else's screwup in lab can set you back a good 4 hours, if not more - I'd like to kick whoever opened the autoclave early on my bottle of LB medium. Grrrr.
-It takes more'n one shower to get all the sand out of your ears.
-"Not everything you pick up on the side of the road will match, including shoes"
-I have five more weeks here. Better pick up the pace on flute and start in on secretary stuff for first term.

Enough for now. Night all.

Tonight marks the first time anyone has ever walked into my practice room and asked to sit in on an etude. That was odd... heck, I'm not *that* good.

In other news, I talked to my little sister for a good hour and a half tonight. It's been a long time since I heard from her, since we've managed to miss each other most of the times I've been home. She's had it rougher than I did in high school - no close friends, pressure from the parents, etc - and I'm damn proud that she's made it this far. Keep your head up, kiddo, I love you.

Oh yeah... today was also the first day that NOTHING in lab went wrong. I can't remember making a single mistake all day. Of course, Veronica also wasn't there most of the day to point out if I did something wrong... but I did feel amazingly competent. And I also managed to read a good 3 chapters of the genetics text. Hooray for me. =^)

And to top it off, riding tonight was ok. Susan actually complimented us on our riding, noting that she could see the difference, the improvements we'd made over the summer. And after Andrea had finished untacking and grooming Alabama, we walked around the stables with Davee, the coolest instructor ever (right up there with Julia)... all three of us have taken a few lessons from her. If I keep riding during the year, I'll probably stick with her group lesson - you learn so much during each lesson, and her teaching style is great. I'm still trying to find answers to her last several questions: "What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness? And what are you most afraid of?"

The last one worries me most. The thing is, I can't think of anything that I'm terribly afraid of in the ring. It's strange... I used to be afraid of falling, but a few choice dives off a horse's back fixed that fear. I'll come up with something soon, I guess.

I do believe it's time to sleep. Night all, catch you on the flip side.
And a few lyrics that describe my attitude right now:
"I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did"
-U2

Wow, it's only been a week since I last posted. Feels like much longer for some reason. In any case, here's a sampling of what's been going on in my life (mainly intended for my parents, since I haven't called them in a week - sorry mom and dad):

Last Sunday: Saw Phantom of the Opera with other SURF students. The last time I saw this musical, I was in 8th grade... 6 years later, I find that I'd forgotten a fair amount of the plot. I think I'd missed some of the ulterior motives as well - it's amazing what you pick up the second time around, especially when you're significantly older. So much has happened since then... geez, I feel old. Anyway, the performance was fantastic, and I'm now listening to the soundtrack daily. (To those who knew me in LHS band... remember the All Region rehearsal sessions with Mr. Slatter, and the unintentional "you're pulling out the cape again, phantom!" musical dramatics? Oh, those days... such fun. =^) ) Ah, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Monday: Lab. Went riding with Yussanne at TES, ended up riding a schizo horse that trips over his own feet and shies at squirrels and rabbits (New Mexico). (I'd ridden him months before, when I first began taking lessons - that time, I wasn't ready when he bolted at a passing squirrel. Going from a nice, easy walk into mad gallop towards a fence isn't a great transition... a quick fall/half dismount saved me from injury. Hurrah for quick reflexes.) Felt pretty darn proud of myself when I felt him tense to bolt and managed to keep my head, keep him in hand and calm him down. Nothing like feeling that you've learned something - ah, success.

Tuesday (entry that never got published): Today was one of the most nerve-racking days I've had all summer.

Y'know those days when every 15 minutes, you manage to make a mistake? A nearly irrecoverable one? And you may or may not catch it in time?

Yup, this was one of those days. When I got back from lab at 6:10, I felt terrible... Days like this have me convinced that I will never amount to anything in biology, and that I should switch to a more suitable area immediately. When my short-term memory is almost completely shot, and absent-mindedness causes me to temporarily forget about this in the centrifuge, where this enzyme is located, this reagent... ARGH. Today was utter frustration, hope tomorrow's better.

(Thankfully, talking to Sangeeta that day really helped... I don't know what I'd do without her practical outlook on everything. One bad day in lab isn't the end of a career; a whole year of them might be ;) )

Wednesday through Friday: Endless washes for in situs that didn't really work, damn them. I get to try them all over again this week - the end product is really cool if they work, but spending three days and >20 hours on something that may or may not work is a little tedious.

Went riding with Yussanne and Andrea at TES on Wednesday - got to ride my current favorite in the stables there (Tennessee). She's an amazing little chestnut mare - a real sweetheart, very responsive to leg and voice cues, with a great temperament. And (after riding her for several lessons straight) she recognizes me! It's not Red by a long shot, but it's comforting to know that she remembers me... even if just for the carrots I bring.

Went swimming after lab on Friday - it's been a long time since I've been lap swimming, and I'm definitely out of practice. For some reason, I'd never been swimming in the Braun-side pool. It really unnerved me to hop in expecting a 5 foot drop, and ending up plunging below the surface. After the initial panic, I had a pretty good swim - even ran into a Lloydie (Chirah, a s'more) who remembered me from the ASCIT formal... "Say, weren't you Joe Jewell's date for the formal?" "Um, yes..." That was somewhat odd. I've been classified many different ways in relation to other people: Jack Welge's daughter, Kat's sister, Adam's (now ex-) girlfriend, but never as someone's date. Bizarre feeling... not bad, just funny.

Saturday: Trail riding! With Yussanne, Andrea, Rebecca, Sam LL, Phil and Mike D. A pretty easy ride after taking lessons for a few months at TES... it felt so odd, not grooming and tacking up before riding, using a Western saddle and bridle (yes, there's a definite difference between Western and English tack), riding a horse that blindly followed behind the wrangler's. Granted, Shenandoah (my horse) was somewhat better, being capable of following the trail on her own. We rode at a sedate pace for most of the ride, though Andrea, Yussanne and I managed to squeeze in a trot before returning to the stable.

While waiting for the horses for the trail ride, we sat around in the Equidome and watched a few classes competing at a horse show - Novice and Amateur Hunter under Saddle, I think. I wish I could make riding look so effortless... *shrugs* If I could, I'd be jumping by now. Ah well, there's time enough for that. I hope I have time to continue taking lessons during the year - it's something to look forward to, like orchestra and history classes, and really makes this place bearable. Of course, junior year should be a cakewalk compared to sophomore year, but with the biology triple threat first term (122, 110, 150) it may get kinda hairy. We'll see.

That night, I went with Sangeeta, Chris, Nora and Chuck to a lab party at Eric Davidson's house. A friend commented that it sounded like a "geeky good time!", and indeed it was. There's nothing like interacting socially with the people you see in lab - I can't think of anyone I *don't* like in this lab. Everyone has so many other facets - a family, an interesting history, odd hobbies, you name it. Another perk, of course, is seeing postdocs and your PI drunk - it's more entertaining than you'd ever believe, though it occasionally turns scary. Or odd. Especially when your PI mentions that your postdoc told him that you were a "ball of fire"... still trying to piece that one out. So far, I've gotten these suggestions:
1) The candy named "Atomic fireball."
2) A tie-died shirt (preferable with reds and oranges)
3) The sun (or the more silvery moon, if you prefer.)
4) Every experiment ends in a fiery explosion, or metaphorically goes up in flames.

If you have any other ideas, by all means IM me. I'm still in the dark on this one.

*Yawn* Anyway, it's time to go collect my laundry and get some sleep before lab. Night all, and take care.

(Aside to Kat: Hope you're having a great time at band camp, kiddo - I'll try to come next summer and help out. Say hi to Mr. Durham and everyone for me, and I promise I'll come to your football game performance the week that I'm home. Love you, and see you in another 6 weeks)

Ok. One more post about love, because bad things come in threes. ;) And then, back to Kirsten's rather mundane life and odd thoughts.

"I think love feels just like freedom. Why look at it as giving up anything?" - a friend, who IM'd when I was asleep (I never seem to catch you online, or I would've discussed this with you earlier. Anyway, here's my side - feel free to IM a rebuttal. I'd like to discuss this further.)

The way I see it: you give up independence, and invulnerability. The vulnerability comes when you care for someone else - sure, there's some of that involved in friendship, but not the same degree. And yes, a lot of the closeness in love comes from being vulnerable to another and accepted the way you are, faults and all - but the flip side is that, if you aren't careful, it gives someone an easy entrance to destroying you - confidence, happiness, everything. By the same token, you become dependent on that person for some measure of happiness, sometimes more than is reasonable... and I think I'm still fighting the remnants of that. When I can be completely happy, confident and whole for a while without wishing for someone else to share my life, then I think I'll be ready for another relationship. Given how I felt today, perhaps that's not so far off as I thought. (shrugs) We'll see.

Though I'll admit I sure would like a hug right now. (sigh) Red, I wish you were here. Or anyone else that I didn't mind asking for a hug.

Today's been an interesting day. Procedures are actually working in lab . I managed to do decently in a riding lesson supposedly a level above where I ought to be . Received a postcard in the mail from a good friend who lucked out and made it onto the Vomit Comet for the second year in a row (thanks Joe... and boy am I jealous). And even after spending a few hours in lab alone listening to U2 (Beautiful Day... such a good song) and feeling kinda melancholy, came back to the house expecting to go straight to sleep, but detoured to Tunnel for some interesting and varied conversation... and ended up listening to a 1:30 AM jam session with Mike, Phil, Chuck and others. Ahh, music. =^) And now, I'm writing.

Ok, ok, I grant that I was being fairly pessimistic last night - a friend who's gone through something similar to what I have called me on that. (I blame exhaustion - I was half-delirious with sleep deprivation last night - and a slight return of bitterness.) While I'm not going to recant everything I said, I'll temper it with a few other remembrances for balance: solid, comforting hugs in the face of sorrow and depression; an anchor to cling to in the ever-shifting sea of life; eyes warm with love and pride; words to melt a soul and make a heart brim over; feeling in tune with someone else, feeling alive as never before. In any case, it's currently a closed book, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not bitter or angry (though I was for a while) but I am hesitant to jump right back into the fray and risk everything all over again. We'll see.

I'm sorry... for me, learning to move on meant trying to forget the good memories and living for the present. Thanks for the reminder - I'll try to keep things in proper perspective from here on out.