Argh is about all I have to say right now. I was ok earlier, but right now I feel like I'm juggling about 30 different things ranging from relatively harmless beanbags to wicked-looking knives, and I'm trying desperately to keep everything in the air so the whole mess doesn't come crashing down on my head. I've already let some things like flute practice slip (still need to talk to allen about audition times), and I haven't even finished with my room yet. Not even bloody close. And there are STILL unclaimed, unlabeled boxes and random crap and even a BAG OF LAUNDRY sitting in my room. Add to this stress about life in general, where I'll end up, what I really want to do in life, and the big scary world of 'after graduation'. These questions keep looming over my head like the next shoe waiting to drop and destroy another fragile dream. At this point I don't even know if I can hold onto a dream and believe in it, really believe, without doubting myself or thinking that something will go wrong.

I hate this living by halves. I want to be a kid again, and be able to put my faith in something and see it through and really enjoy what I'm doing. To be happy without wondering when the happiness will end and be succeeded by misery and aimlessness.

Wow, I sound negative. I know I'm lucky to have terrific friends and a super boyfriend who are really happy to have me back here. I think it's just lack of sleep - I was so easily distracted today, it's a wonder I did so well in German (probably the past two weeks at work - at least it paid off). I sure couldn't communicate well in English. Damn ADD. Gotta get motivated, or there'll be hell to pay... I'll kick myself if I don't make principal chair in orchestra this year. I'll be really upset with myself if I don't make orchestra at all. Somehow, I have to focus, block out the other demands for the time being and find the discipline I had earlier...

Night all.