I've said it before, and I'll say it again: being female right now is miserable. Mild depressive episodes + pain every month is no picnic. And I know it's not pleasant for Sam, or my friends, or anyone else around me when I snap or dissolve in tears. Thank goodness you guys put up with me.

I had an idea earlier, but it fled when I sat down at the computer. Perhaps it'll show up again soon. There are several other things floating around my mind, but I need to discuss them with others instead of throwing them up here - yes, I do exercise some restraint on content here. This is good as a sounding board, but right now I need to talk to people instead of to a computer screen. At least one is weighing heavily on my mind, but I'm not going to approach the person about it until later this week, when they have more free time.

And on top of everything, I am afraid. I'm sick of this fear. I love everything in my life right now, I love Sam, I love my friends. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to leave this place. I'm finally happy here. I've overcome so much; I don't want to go elsewhere and start over again, to prove myself to people who will decide whether or not I'm suited to pursue employment in college history departments. I guess that's because I'm afraid of failure. I don't want to be kicked out with a terminal MA, but I don't want to go through the PhD and discover that I'm not really that interested in history.

Why is it so hard? Hell, maybe it's just the raging hormones (all that drivel about 'sacred moon-times' be damned). Maybe tomorrow I'll be confident and sure again - I'll have subverted my doubts for another few weeks. Or I'll just have the outward appearance back together. It often seems easy to fool people who don't know me very well, who don't care to look very closely. It's all in knowing the right faces to wear, the right gestures, the right vocal tones and carriage. I guess that's what I learned from high school - how to act in different situations, from taking charge to blending into walls. And I wonder... would you have guessed all this from just looking at me?

I don't know what to do. I think it's time for more advil and work on the art history paper.
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The obligatory lyrics - a lot of Enya, mainly from A Day Without Rain.

Flora's Secret

Lovers in the long grass/ Look above them
Only they can see/ Where the clouds are going
Only to discover
Dust and sunlight
Ever make the sky so blue

Afternoon is hazy/ River flowing
All around the sounds Moving closer to them
Telling them the story/ Told by Flora
Dreams they never knew

Silver willows/ Tears from Persia
Those who come From a far-off island
Winter Chanterelle lies/ Under cover
Glory-of-the-sun in blue

Some they know as passion
Some as freedom
Some they know as love
And the way it leaves them
Summer snowflake
For a season
When the sky above is blue
When the sky above is blue

Lying in the long grass
Close beside her
Giving her the name
Of the one the moon loves
This will be the day she
Will remember
When she knew his heart was
Loving in the long grass
Close beside her
Whispering of love
And the way it leaves them
Lying in the long grass
In the sunlight
They believe it's true love
And from all around them
Flora's secret
Telling them of love
And the way it breathes, and
Looking up from eyes of
Amaranthine ...
They can see the sky is blue
Knowing that their love is true
Dreams they never knew
And the sky above is blue

One By One
(This one I will always associate with the last big argument I had with Sam, a couple weeks before we started dating. It arose from misunderstandings, and when it hit, I was afraid that I'd lost a great friend. -sigh- Proof that I'm far from perfect. But at least everything turned out all right in the end, for which I'm thankful.)

Here am I
Yet another goodbye!
He says Adiós, says Adiós,
And do you know why
She won't break down and cry?
- she says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.

One by one my leaves fall.
One by one my tales are told.

It's no lie
She is yearning to fly.
She says Adiós, says Adiós,
And now you know why
He's a reason to sigh
- she says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.
- she says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.

One by one my leaves fall.
One by one my tales are told.

My, oh my!
She was aiming too high.
He says Adiós, says Adiós,
And now you know why
There's no moon in her sky
- he says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.

No Goodbyes
For love brightens their eyes.
Don't say Adiós, say Adiós,
And do you know why
There's a love that won't die?
- don't say Adiós, say Adiós, Goodbye.
- don't say Adiós, say Adiós, Goodbye.
- don't say Adiós, say Adiós, Goodbye.


Pilgrim

Pilgrim, how you journey
On the road you chose
To find out why the winds die
And where the stories go.

All days come from one day
That much you must know,
You cannot change what's over
But only where you go.

One way leads to diamonds,
One way leads to gold,
Another leads you only
To everything you're told.

In your heart you wonder
Which of these is true;
The road that leads to nowhere,
The road that leads to you.

Will you find the answer
In all you say and do?
Will you find the answer
In you?

Each heart is a pilgrim,
Each one wants to know
The reason why the winds die
And where the stories go.

Pilgrim, in your journey
You may travel far,
For pilgrim it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...