Nothing like a stomach bug to throw a wrench in the works. :(

Reflecting more on recent events: I'm rapidly becoming very discouraged about job possibilities around here. It seems impossible to find anything, even for a summer/temporary position. I've sent out a number of tailored cover letters and resumes to different positions, even gotten a few interviews with places, but so far only ONE has looked positive at all. Unfortunately, that one won't really pick up till mid-July, and $20/hour for 3-10 hours a week isn't consistent enough to pay the bills. :(

At this point, I'm looking at office assistant jobs in the area... maybe something will pan out there, since none of the tutoring jobs seem to be what they're described as, or consistent enough to rely on a steady income. I'm kind of frustrated that most of these positions won't use my brain, but paying rent and putting food on the table has to come first this summer.

On the bright side, these problems make me much more secure about going to grad school. Sure, it costs money, and yes, it's another 5-6 years of schooling... but afterwards I'll be more marketable than I am now, and thank goodness. Hopefully the job market will also be better several years from now.

I wish there was a job where I could just do what I liked: tutor in math, science, history and english, play flute, sew creative garments, paint miniatures, translate languages... just be creative and show others how to do the same. -sigh- Renaissance women simply aren't in demand these days.

Update?

DD over. LOTR stack went great - underclassmen really liked it. :) mannion dinner bloody superb :D

no solid job yet. much emailing/interviewing occuring. also much pulling of hair.

not done with classes yet, dammit! finals in 2, thesis to finish, etc. yikes.

apartment found, knock on wood.

sam's friend ben in town - interesting fellow.

going to medievalist conference, need to do entire intro/concl. to thesis and read 4 papers before 9:30 AM tomorrow. Night!

and much love to Mom, Dad, Kat, and Red. Also to Sam and assorted friends who are helping me get through this stressful time.

C3PO's old saying seems to be a wonderful fit for my life right now:
"Goodness gracious me!"

I'm up to my ears in job apps and interviews layered over a lot of work for Tomorrow... plus the chamber music and orchestra concerts coming up this sunday and next saturday.

This is when I start forgetting where I place things... losing my ID for several days... leaving things in Sam's room and panicking when I can't find them in mine. This is when I make compulsive lists of things to do (call this company for interview, make this or that for stack, call home) and promptly forget everything on them.

This is when I remember how it was to be an unmedicated ADD child. Every endeavor takes so much time, and time itself flies by until you don't know where the day went. It's always been easy for me to lose track of time, but now it's worse than ever - and I can't afford to do it now! Right now, I live by my day organizer and calendar in everything, even classes that I regularly attend. Even with the calendar, I sometimes forget about conflicts. At least it's all turned out ok so far, but it's bound to mess up something in the next couple weeks. And in the meantime, I feel so stressed out, looking at everything on my plate and feeling somewhat at the mercy of fate when it comes to jobs for the summer. I'm so thankful I have Sam - he's absolutely terrific and very supportive, even when I'm a little snappy. My friends have been great as well, though they're all very stressed as well, and any conversation often ends up with sniping on both sides. At least the end is in sight.

I have to admit, it is kinda fun working on the different puzzles for the stack though. I sit back and wonder how the stackers will find them - enjoyable? Devilishly hard? Incredibly easy? Hopefully the former.

Speaking of those, I'd best get back to work.

So tired... but we got so much done today!!! I'd say more, but it's top-secret. ;) Suffice it to say, Ditch Day's definitely on its way!

Sam comes back late tomorrow - he's been off on the Ay 103 field trip so he can pass the class and graduate ("Graduate, Sam!"). It's been very quiet around here without him, and I really do miss him when he's gone. No, not just because my primary Magic opponent is gone - he's become an important part of my life. It's difficult to explain.

On the other hand, I didn't have anyone telling me I was being sexist by going to a wedding shower for Sarah (which was only sent to femoles, I believe). It was really lovely; light lunch, a couple fun little games, seeing her wedding dress and flipping through a Bridal magazine with 10 other girls. Very sleepover-like. :) I can't look at those things for too long, or my mind goes numb, but it sure was funny with the others. Especially the 'zombie' brides - the ones with tons of dark markup around the eyes and that drugged look. I admit to being slightly uncomfortable when hints were raised about me and Sam, but it's easier to take now than it was during first term this year. I'll repeat again: no plans yet, other than continuing the relationship after tech. Remember, Sarah and Brian have been together since frosh year - about 3 years by the time of their engagement. That's three times as long as Sam and I. He is a terrific guy, and I love him very much... but there's plenty of time and no need to rush, hmm?

Speaking about finishing so much today, Andrea and I decided to hit Ralph's around 3 and have a celebratory beer (or three :). I didn't know it, but apparently Ralph's won't sell alcohol between 2 and 6 AM. :( Odd CA law, that. At least I had Kahlua and milk in the kitchen. :)

And now, it's definitely time for sleep. Mmmm, exhaustion and alcohol-induced stupor...

Wow, what a week.

1) I'm on the list for the Geeremusic teachers. The director is really nice and seems very genuine - this is a good place, I'm not being lied to about pay or time or location.

Sadly, it's only 8 hours a week tops, 20-25$/hour.

2) I've scheduled an interview with Kaplan.

Sadly, it's on June 1... and if I pass it, there's extra training before I can start work.

3) Went to the Lindamood-Bell screening today. 4 hours later, I'm about to go nuts from phonemics practice. The story imagery was really cool, but I think overall my remark to my activity partner summed it up: "After a day of this, I'd be starved for intelligent conversation."

Sadly, I doubt I'll get a call for an interview there... that would've been really nice, full-time at 13$/hour, even if somewhat aggravating and mind-numbing. Is madness worth 2,400$/month? Hard to say. That's a lot of potential savings...

4) I've emailed the Eureka person with information, heard something very positive back from her, and I've now asked about interview/training times.

Waiting to hear a response.

And now, it's back to waiting, applying for more that come up, etc. This is strange. I'd always expected the business world would be more a meritocracy than I discovered it actually was today. Perhaps it was foolish of me; but if they couldn't take the way I was dressed, at least I don't think I could've stomached them for too long.

It still puzzles me that businesses aren't willing to look beyond the facade for actual intelligence and charisma. I know so many brilliant people here, but one look at them and a business wouldn't give them a second glance. Why? They don't fit the typical business dress. They don't conform. They weren't hammered into a mold like most of the people I remember from home, and forced to conform.

I remember having arguments with my dad over appearance - he always stressed it as paramount to getting an interview/job, even to living in the most ramshackle place at a 'good' address vs. a nice place on the 'wrong' side of the tracks. I found this ridiculous then, and I still do. Perhaps I'm simply naive, to believe that comfort, intelligence, rapport and professionalism is more important than a mere set of clothing or a 'good' address. We try to encourage creativity and outside thinking in gifted kids, and tell them that intelligence is what really counts... but it doesn't seem like the market's geared towards that at all. Then are we doing those kids a disservice? It bears thought.

5) Talked with Nate et al. about housing. I'll be living with those folks working on the company during the summer; unsure whether I'll be in a double or single yet. We'll see.. but at least I'll still be among friends, and near Sam. :)

It's going to be odd coming back to my apartment over at UCLA and not being able to spontaneously hang out in his room and talk to him. At least he'll be in Pasadena, so I can come back on weekends and be with him. That's something I'm extraordinarily thankful for - it's odd to think that we've been together for over a year at this point, and we're both still happy with each other. Perhaps odd is the wrong word. Comforting might be better. He's a great guy, and I'm certainly lucky to have him. Now, if only I could beat him at Magic more often... ;)

Ok, it's late and I'm tired. Time for sleep.

Well, things are looking up in the job market.

Part time flute instructor position: interview tomorrow morning at 10, I'll need to prepare a couple excerpts for an audition

Kaplan tutoring job: need to schedule interview this week

Lindamood-Bell tutoring job: need to call back about training this Friday, 1-5 pm

Still waiting to hear back from Eureka, turned down by Stepping Stones (don't need any more summer tutors). But it's looking ok. The first two will pay 20$/hour or more, the last not nearly so much, but it's near-full time hours. We'll see how it all turns out...

Wish me luck.

Something Sam had in his profile a while back. It's a good verse to contemplate.
-----
Armies are tools of violence;
They cause men to hate and fear.
The sage will not join them.
His purpose is creation;
Their purpose is destruction.

Weapons are tools of violence,
Not of the sage;
He uses them only when there is no choice,
And then calmly, and with tact,
For he finds no beauty in them.

Whoever finds beauty in weapons
Delights in the slaughter of men;
And who delights in slaughter
Cannot content himself with peace.

So slaughters must be mourned
And conquest celebrated with a funeral.

-Lao-Tzu

I'm going nuts. Recently, my short-term memory is almost nonexistent, I'm snappy and hypersensitive.

I never knew that working on Ditch Day preparations would cause such anxiety. I used to find this a nice diversion from other work; now it's becoming another burden. At least it'll be over Tomorrow, right?

On the other hand, I also have german, a history class, 2 performing arts classes and a thesis to keep abreast of. And applying for summer jobs - at least I got an interview for the flute instructor position over in Rowland Heights, but I need to land about 2 more before I can support myself this summer. And mentally preparing myself for going to grad school and trying to be the damn best in the program so I get funding for next year. At times, I'm so scared that I've been an absolute idiot in going to UCLA - what am I thinking, there's no way I can do this... but Notre Dame was emphatically not the place for me. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I just feel super scatter-brained and stretched too thin. I can only juggle so many knives before they start crashing down on my head. I know time is short, I know I tend to be perfectionistic and picky about artistic detail, but I dearly want to do a good job on this stack. I don't want my work judged as simply 'not bad', but as 'awesome' or at least 'really cool'. Unfortunately, I don't know how to achieve this without losing my mind or just failing all my classes.

Consider me extremely frustrated. Handle with care.