I give up. A while back I swore never to write about love on my weblog again. However, since the main purpose of a journal is to be a sounding board, to get the thoughts clamoring around in your mind into words onscreen for later evaluation... here I go. (As a friend's log says: "This is where I say what I damn well please." ) If you don't want to hear it, skip down to the "Random Updates" section.

In any case, you've been warned.
--begin emotional discussion--

It's pretty rare that I'm angry at myself for something I've done. However, today I've been near-furious with my actions over last year. I don't know what prompted the sudden perspective shift (maybe watching "10 things I hate about you", or one of the books I've flown through recently: Rocket Boys, or Lost Moon, or The Coalwood Way). But I do know this: for the past year, I've been an absolute fool. I've passed up opportunities right and left - first term, focusing on the misery I was going through in a swiftly deteriorating relationship that I wasn't smart enough to bail out of when I started feeling pretty damn insecure and worthless, hanging on instead of giving up on it, letting go, and spending time with the awesome people (both moles and lloydies) in my hall in avery. This was probably the worst of my errors last year - had I not made this one, the outlook for the next two terms would've been much, much better. Second term, it was being stupid enough to let misery over a failed relationship, emotional and academic stress drive me to the edge of giving up on everything - dreams, hope, life, etc. Third term, it was being stupid enough to try and revive the relationship that died second term, and having that end even worse than the first time around, losing all my confidence and self-respect in one stroke.

Dammit, I am sick and tired of being foolish and feeling sorry for myself. I've finally hit the "Snap out of it, idiot!" stage of hindsight. Looking back, I can't believe I had such poor judgement, *especially* when Sangeeta, Yussanne and others had pointed out some of these earlier in the year. And you wonder why I don't trust myself in emotional matters anymore.

Having time and space to myself has been great over the past week... without feeling under pressure, I can think about what's going on, what's gone wrong, and what's going to happen in the future - and there, I'm again faced with a crossroads. Not the "what am I going to do for the rest of my life!?" question, though that one's hovering in the back of my mind. It's the "am i ever going to be ready for another relationship, and who would i trust that much?" question. I never gave much thought to it before the relationship ended for the second time third term; but watching Adam rebound within a month while I was still trying to piece my whole sorry life back together didn't help. Then again, maybe it did, because it forced me to realize that there was no going back, ever - but it sure did hurt. I can't remember ever feeling so worthless and expendable in my life, so easily replaced. Hell, there are still times I don't feel I'm worth love anymore - they crop up occasionally, but they're getting to be fewer and farther between the happy times. And now (as a friend once predicted, having been through something similar) I only feel a faint wistfulness for the way things were frosh year... the bitterness, the worthlessness, the anger at myself has finally bled away, leaving a kind of nothingness in its place. It's not emptiness, because my life right now is richer and happier than it has been for a long time - it's just a void where nothing exists. All that remains is the question, "Now what?"

And to that question, I have no answer. If I knew what I felt, I'd be able to come up with one. The time the 17-year-old Austrian hit on me, asked what the English word was for a man and woman getting together, and suggested we do the same that night, I knew exactly what to say: Hell NO. And call for a cab with the other two girls. And the next morning, when the Rotary exchange students left St. Daniel for Vienna, I had no qualms whatsoever about how I'd responded.

But right now, I feel torn two ways... I could remain alone for now, and as long as I please, waiting for someone I might feel certain about, and that looks awfully nice. Especially since it gives me time to sort through everything else on my own. Or I could try to trust someone again. It's not like someone of this quality, one of the kindest, most gentle, most intelligent guys I know, who cares this much about me, comes around every day. And if I was more in touch with my emotions, maybe I'd know the right path to take... but for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know how I feel. I'm fond of his company, and his friendship means a whole lot to me, but... love? Add to this uncertainty the fear of hurting him - either by declining, or by disillusionment when I don't (or can't) live up to his expectations, or if I can't love him... oh, and throw in the strong feeling of not deserving him, not being good enough by a long shot. I hate knowing that I'm hurting someone, but giving in would be forsaking myself; I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. A couple weeks ago, I made the decision to remain on my own - but I know I can't hide from this forever. When I was younger, I used to want to be like the Phantom of the Opera - learned, musically talented, respected (or feared... close enough, right? ;), and alone (whether or not he liked it). Then again, though disfigurement's one solution, and throwing up emotional barriers in panic is another, I've got to figure out how to deal with this in another, more mature way. Soon.

--end of emotional discussion--

Updates from random areas:
Flute: better all the time. Fine control's coming back, low register's getting back to what it was, middle is ok, high is coming back. Working on tone, reducing the "airy" sounds I sometimes get in mid/high register; also working dynamics. Also working on sightreading - been going through the ever-so-handy etude books I have here. Still working on Enesco and Poulenc, may add Mozart's Concerto in G or D Major for fun and/or the concerto competition... need to go find that in a nearby music store. Surely it's around somewhere...
Can't wait to play in orchestra rehearsal this Tuesday. =^)

Reading: I've been flying through books. Read all of The Coalwood Way by Hickam today in between in situ washes and checking the color reaction, from 3:30 to 8:30. Mom, you'll want to read this one, and the Rocket Boys too - I'll bring them home when I come, but they're coming back to caltech with me, so you'll have to read them fast.
Went through Lost Moon (the Apollo 13 story, as told by Lovell) and Rocket Boys (Hickam) before that, all in the past few days.

The updated, revised list in no particular order:
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Emma
Sense and Sensibility
Hunt for Red October
Patriot Games
Grapes of Wrath (H 142)
Days of Obligation (H 142)
Neurobiology text
whatever else I can get my hands on, especially during the week I'm at home and recuperating from mouth surgery.

Lab: The in situ probes don't look too degraded! Hooray! And it looks like there's specific staining... I should've let the colour reaction run longer in the highest concentration tonight, but there's definitely a faint stain on most of the embryos, usually in the archenteron/vegetal plate area. I'll probably have to do another in situ, but there's light at the end of that tunnel. =^)

ARGH it's late. Time for sleep... I'll be going in before noon to check on the other two concentrations of in situ embryos. Night all.