The dam finally broke.

It happened when I got back my bi 122 midterm... I've been telling myself I could stick with it for another 5 terms, even if I didn't like the courses I'd have to take, and even if it would be rough at times. But after I'd done pretty badly on both the 122 and 110 exams, I finally stood back and took a good long look at my life. The train of thought that went through my head:

1) How is it that I'm doing so poorly in classes in my major - the area that's supposed to be my strong suit?
2) I'm way under par compared to most people here. No wonder, since I'm with people who actually plan to become research scientists in biology, if not pre-meds...
3) Wait a minute, I don't want to do either of those. (I did briefly consider vet school, but my o chem grades quickly deflated that notion)
4) So what the hell am I doing, trying to get a major I don't want to go to grad school in?

And there's where I was before dinner. I'm looking at C's or worse in 122 and 110, and I'm not really enthused about either area. So why am I still pouring effort into them?

Beats me...

I called mom and dad after dinner - I'd talked to Yussanne, Nate, a few other people, but my parents know me best. As they've also been there, done that, I figured they'd be the best ones to consult about this. The verdict? More questions: "What do you believe? What will make you happy? What means more to you, what would you rather take: German, or a biology course?" "I don't know... I don't know... German. definitely." "Well then. What's wrong with that? I don't see anything wrong with it - you aren't failing us. Don't even think that. We're still awfully proud of you, and we want you to pursue what will make you happy, not what you think will make us happy."

I think that was what kept me from dropping bio all along - the thought that I was failing them. I thought I'd gotten rid of that spectre months ago, but it's been here the whole time. I cried over the phone, Mom talking me through it and reminiscing about her college years. She originally set out to major in Biology, tried concentrating in microbiology, hated it, switched emphasis to ecology and environment (and loved it), switched to an science education degree when she couldn't keep up with the language requirement for a hard science degree, taught middle school science for a few years in Austin, went to grad school in hospital administration, married Dad, moved to Longview, and ended up running her dad's testing and tutoring center in longview for over 15 years, as well as teaching a remedial algebra course at Kilgore College. When that closed, she taught at a ghetto middle school for a year, took a year off to recup, and she's now teaching again in the Kilgore College Math Lab. A far cry indeed from what she'd planned to do in life, perhaps, but she's happy with most of her decisions... and if I can say that when I'm her age, I'll consider myself content.

So tomorrow, I'm getting up at 10 and making the rounds to find my bio advisor, Bruce Hay, and Jack Richards, and by the end of the day tomorrow, I'll no longer have to worry about biology as a major. It'll recede into the background, another chapter of my life closed. And I'll have time to pursue other areas that might suit me better, instead of wasting time spinning my wheels on something I've already given up on. And oh boy, does it make my senior year look nice... :)