If wishes were horses...

I wish I didn't feel so damn stressed about these 2 history exams. I wish I didn't feel sick. I wish I didn't feel so alone right now - friendships and otherwise. (Granted, it's partially my fault for the latter, but I'm not going to start something and ruin someone else's life if I have doubts that it'll work, simply so I can feel better about myself.) I wish that I felt like someone around here, anyone, valued who I am and supported me instead of taking advantage of my weaknesses for their gain. I wish I could reinvent my life beginning with frosh year, if not before. I wish those 'what-if-I'd-made-a-different-choice' scenarios would quit bothering me (if I hadn't come to caltech and gone to UT instead... if I'd chosen Lloyd over Blacker... if I hadn't gotten involved with Adam... if I hadn't spent summer '01 here...). I wish I wasn't such a coward sometimes, that I was more assertive. I wish I wasn't becoming such a recluse, I wish I was more outgoing, I wish I was better at alley assassins, and I wish I could just let go of all this baggage I'm carrying around in my mind - 'how things should (but won't ever) be', 'ingrained ethical and moral taboos', 'this is who i was so this is who i can/not become', and all that other useless junk. I wish I didn't judge myself by how well I perform - in biology, in history, in orchestra, in riding - and lose faith in myself if I'm not as good as I was last week. I wish I had more confidence, more time, more intelligence, more endurance, more clarity, more talent...
And more sleep. At least that's something I can fix, starting right now. Night all.

For my own benefit:
Wednesday
10-12: h 142 essay, reading
12-1: summer study abroad meeting
1-6: h 142 essays/ h 161 reading
6-9: riding
9-12: h 161 essays

Thursday
10-12: h 161 essays
12-1: lunch
1-4: classes
4-6: h 161 essays
6-7: dinner
7-12: h 161 essays

Friday
11-12: flute lesson at oxy
12-1: lunch
1-4: h 161
4-6: flick. enjoy life again.
and gone to enjoy nature for a while. back saturday-ish.