Ah, updates. What's new recently:

Riding: Rode New Hampshire on wednesday night... I still feel somewhat uncomfortable on him, though I don't know why. He has decent gaits and is responsive (if you have a crop), but there's just something - I don't know. Nothing spectacular happening there, like Tennessee or Colorado - I just haven't figured out how to connect with this horse yet. It'll take a while - this'll be another 'learning experience', I expect.

Family: Looks like I'll be going home for Thanksgiving (hooray!). Was planning on going to the Munth Thanksgiving get-together if I stayed here, but Mom and Dad want me home, mainly because my granddad's not doing so well anymore. Better to spend as much time with him as possible... argh, one of the reasons gnawing at me for changing focus from bio to history is that I won't be able to do something to find a cure or prevention for Alzheimer's. I hate watching him deteriorate and remembering how he was before the disease came; I hate watching my beloved granddad fade and my grandmom become more and more stressed because of it. Why can't things just stay the same? I sometimes wish I could go back to frosh year, and this is just another reason for it. My grandparents were as I remembered them, and I thought they'd never change... I hadn't realized how rough or cruel life and other people could be... didn't think I would ever be unhappy again... I loved the guys in cannes like brothers and didn't think they could do any wrong...

*begin venting*
My god, what happened? I feel old. I look at myself in the mirror and think, when did I grow up? When did I change from being a happy froshling to a slightly embittered, uncertain and skeptical junior? I don't remember being 19 or 20, or being this tall, knowing this much, being this... well, jaded. I think about love and all I can think of is shattered trust and how wrong the blues-y, romantic Ella Fitzgerald songs were. I think about bio and realize that I can't be what I always expected myself to be after coming here - I'm just not cut out for molecular biology research. I think about art, lit, history, other liberal arts and how much I missed them the last couple years, how stupid I was not to follow my strengths into the liberal arts program at UT Austin. I think of my future and try to imagine myself 20 years from now as a professor, a historian, an archaeologist, an anthropologist... but I don't know. The future is so uncertain, and occasionally I find myself still clinging to the past - but I cannot afford to do this. I spent last year dredging up memories and reliving them instead of living in the present, and ended up deluding myself - failing to see how people had changed - wasting time and hurting myself in the process. Never again. From here on out, I live for today and the future. And for myself.
Speaking of which... I was listening to a Sarah McLachlan song today - Terms of Endearment (The Path of Thorns) - that brought back a few memories. The last two lines are "Funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do/ Seemed to make no difference to you at all." First thing that brings to mind is a hollow wooden book I painted for him - a rendition of Starry Night on the cover. I spent hours, days on it, perfecting the details, pouring my soul into it while I was at home over Christmas break... I remember giving it to him; watching him snap it shut with an audible 'crack!' as I winced at the nicking of the paint. Now, I can't help but wonder what happened to it - I'm guessing it's probably been turned into kindling by now - though I know I'll never, ever spend that much time on another piece of work for someone outside my family. It's just not worth it if it isn't appreciated... it really, really -hurts- if it isn't appreciated. Next thought that comes to mind on hearing these lyrics: I did my dead-level best to keep that relationship going, to the point of giving beyond my capacity in emotion and time, stretching myself thin in the hope that things would go back to how they were - and broke under the strain.
First thought: I'll never let myself fall that far into despair again.
Second thought: I'll never depend so much on someone else for my happiness, ever again.
Third thought: I'll never bend myself that far out of character again for another person.
I've discovered my final stumbling block: I'm terrified of losing my independence and identity, after rediscovering myself. I'm a lot bolder than I used to be, and less concerned about others' opinions. I can stand on my own two feet again, and help others too, and I'm more concerned with my happiness than others'. Perhaps this means I've grown a little more selfish, but it also means I'm no longer a doormat - I don't feel like being the sacrifical goat anymore. I don't feel like being there for people who didn't bother to support me last year when I needed it most. I don't feel like hanging around people who verbally abuse me - I deserve better treatment than that. I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. I will not live up to someone else's idea of who I am or should be, and I shouldn't have to. From here on out, I'm living for myself and my own expectations, and I'm happier because of it. Take that, negative self-talk.
*end venting*

Hm. What else...
core 1a: I'll be writing about public health in the ancient world - finally found a good topic :) hooray!
h 161: agh, so much reading. and a midterm
h 142: went to the San Gabriel Mission today - kinda frustrating. It's lovely, but the captions are way skewed towards the Catholic version of the mission system - of course, because it's run by the Claretian order. But it's irritating - why can't they be more even-handed in their treatment? What about the natives' culture and life before the Franciscans showed up? -sigh- The world today needs clearer vision... we talk of tolerance and even-handed treatment, but rarely practice it.
bi 122: meh. nothing new. another set out, due tues.
bi/ch 110: really should start memorizing those amino acids... and read through the book.
houselist: finally printed/posted it! hooray!
SURF paper: yeah... working on it.
doortags: see SURF paper.
flute: see doortags.

In closing - our frosh are supercool. I spent several hours talking to a group of 'em in Hell, then played DDR with a couple (+ a lloydie frosh and some upperclassmen) in the SAC. I was originally in a kinda melancholy mood, but talking to them made a really, really big difference - there's just something about talking to frosh brimming over with happiness and energy that helps you feel better about life in general. Hooray for frosh :)

Anyway, I'm signing off. Night all.