H 161 last night: I don't believe it. I love *all* of my classes? Brewer's awesome, and it looks like this'll be an interesting and thought-provoking class. Hooray!

To recap: I'll be taking all classes on grades: L130b, H 161, Ec/SS 130, with the exception of H 97a (junior tutorial), which is automatically p/f. I'm also takig core 1b and orchestra, and maybe yoga. That's a grand total of 45 units. :)
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Warning: Emotional post to follow. If you don't want to hear about it, don't keep reading. I'll return to normal 'I love my life' posts later this weekend, but I needed to unload these thoughts so they quit chasing each other around my mind. Feedback from friends is always welcome and appreciated.

I don't understand myself sometimes. More and more, I find myself wanting to lash out at an absolutely wonderful friend for things far, far less terrible than what other people have done to me in the past year. And when I think about it, the only reason I can come up with for this reaction is that I'm trying to drive him away, to keep that safe distance. I've finally found happiness in myself. I don't want my wings clipped and a hood thrown over my eyes just as I've learned how great it is to fly again... not now. Maybe not for a long time. I've been on an individualist kick for quite some time now, and I don't see an end to it in sight. I'm having far too much fun on my own, pursuing my own dreams and desires for a change, and trying to imagine what my future will bring. I'm more confident, more willing to speak up in class, more enthusiastic about my classes. After feeling this kind of freedom again, why would I want to give it up? I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to have to care about someone else's life, future and feelings. I don't want to worry about spending time with someone else (my close friends are great, and I love being around them, but anything beyond that is out of the question). And I guess the core of it is that I don't want anyone to get close enough to really hurt me again, no matter how wonderful that person is or seems to be. I've had enough of just silently taking abuse and crap and neglect and pain until I break down under the load like last year. Never again. I've finally healed enough that I don't feel physically sick when I think of last year anymore. I just feel hopping mad at the perpetrator(s), and especially at myself, for not doing something to fix my life instead of just accepting it and trying to keep going. Life's not long enough to squander time and energy in suffering, and I don't care what kind of reward you'll get in any religion's afterlife - it's just not worth waking up and wishing you had died in your sleep the night before, believing that life isn't worth living anymore, believing that you aren't worth anything at all. It's odd to think that only a year ago, I felt that way all the time. It's difficult to believe that it was nearly a year ago that I broke down under emotional and academic pressure, and then had the floor drop out from under my feet two days later. I've come a long way since then, but the gut reaction hasn't changed - no matter how many times I convince myself that any other relationship couldn't end so badly, that inner voice screams that I'm wrong - it will be just as terrible, and I'll lose everything I've found, all over again. -shrugs- It seems that you can't rush emotional healing, any more than you can speed the healing of a flesh wound, or the knitting of a broken bone. Someday I'll realize that inner voice is no longer there, that I'm not afraid of any of this anymore. It will happen. It just hasn't yet, and I can't predict when it'll come. One of my friends once said that healing takes roughly the same amount of time as the relationship lasted... with complications, I'd say it takes longer. I guess we'll see.

And to all my awesome friends - I couldn't have come this far without you. I may not say much about this to you, but you guys mean the world to me. I think Spider Robinson sums it up best in Callahan's Place:
"You know what gives me the courage to keep on living? The courage to love myself a little? It's having a whole bunch of friends who really give a goddamn." Thanks a bunch for caring, and I'm here anytime to return the favor.

Aight, that's enough writing. Time for 'real' work...