It's funny. I can't remember being this happy about college for a long time - I'm finally pursuing something in which I'm not just mediocre. I feel like I can excel in German, do well in junior tutorial and h 161, and at least hold my own in ec/ss 130. But I'm still occasionally beset by that dratted feeling of inadequacy... like I've failed to live up to someone's expectations. And in a way, I have - I failed to live up to *my* expectations. I fully expected to go on to a career in research in physics, then biology, and reality is still sinking in - I'm just not suited for that career path. And it's kinda bizarre, because right now, I'm stuck here without a set idea of where I'm going. And that scares me. I've always had some idea of where I was going, but I'm almost afraid to make any plans for what's going to happen after I graduate, for fear that I'll bomb out of history as well. I know that's silly, because I honestly enjoy medieval history, but the fear is there. -shrugs- I guess it'll pass with time. Perhaps I'm just still getting used to the idea of being a history major, and shifting my sights from biology grad school to archaeology or anthropology grad schools. In any case, we'll see.
---
update: 2 PM
I can't believe it. For the first time in ages, I feel competent in a class here. Competent as in able to figure something out given a little time in class, when others are still struggling. Deutsch, ich liebe dich! :) It's so nice to be feel smart for a change... and it's amazing how much easier a class can be when you're not having to deal with emotional and academic crises on the side. I remember feeling like I was struggling all the time with German last year, and never feeling like I was on par with the rest of the class - always feeling behind and stressed, because I rarely had the time to devote to really learning the language. But this... this is wonderful. I'm rested, I know the material (though I need to review cases and vocabulary), and I can actually do this with a little repetition. AND the teacher praises me. :) I don't know why, but I work better when I feel like the professor acknowledges the work I've put in, and appreciates the progress I'm making. In any case, I'm happy. :)