ARGH! Why couldn't I have played the mozart that well on saturday?? I didn't make any obvious blunders, technical passages were pretty clean overall, emotion was there, and I wasn't shaking from nerves. Gah.

And Allen, sharp-tongued and often irascible orchestra director, even complimented me on how well I'd performed! -beams- It's pretty rare to hear praise from him, even for difficult orchestral solos.

The solace here is that I now know that I *can* perform this well - assuming I can master my nerves. Not such a bad thing, really.. I just need to remember how. And practice. I remember in high school, the band would have 'masterclasses' for each section on all region music once a week - that was *great* for getting over nerves, since you HAD to perform the pieces in front of your section and everyone else in the band hall. Wish they had something like that here..

Ah well. I can't believe this term has gone by so quickly. Heck, I can't believe this year went by so quickly. And I can't believe how much better I feel about everything - myself, life, the future - compared to this time last year. I'm still under stress, but it's of my choosing, and I can deal with it easily. I think it was a year and two weeks ago that I broke down under pressure for the first time. It's odd to think that just a year ago, I was horribly depressed, feeling worthless in my classes, not to mention used and ignored by someone I loved and trusted completely. I look back now thinking "Why was I so stupid?" It all seems so obvious from here - I should've known that the relationship was failing and gotten out while I had time to recup over the break before second term; I should've just transferred to another college to pursue a history degree (or at least liberal arts). -shrugs- Such is life. I can't say I'm happy with the decisions I made back then, but they forced me to come to grips with a lot of issues, and I'm a stronger person today for it. I'm not as passive and accepting of abuse as I was - I don't allow people to take advantage of me anymore. I've gained a lot of experience (the best teacher) in dealing with people, problems, and the real world, and I've changed some of my beliefs and opinions. I know my limits in intelligence and stress; I know what I'm not suited for, what I don't want to pursue. And I have a much better idea of who I am and where I'm going in life.

For all this, perhaps going through hell was worth it. Not that I'd willingly do it again, but knowing now what waited on the other side, I think the self-confidence and conviction I've gained during the past year working up from rock bottom has more than compensated for the loss and isolation I felt.

Ok, enough reminiscing - I need to write that h 142 essay so I can be done with that class. It's amusing that I write more in this journal when I have papers to write... ;)