I feel like the Interhouse workhorse... why oh why did I insist on bringing the truck out here so I had transportation? On the other hand, Harlan pointed out that 'angel' rather than 'workhorse' was really the better term. Thanks, Harlan (you flatterer you). Unfortunately, "The frosh made me do it for Interhouse!" will not be a good excuse to extend the deadline on my E, or to tell to my junior tutorial advisor... ah geez, I'm so far behind where I wanted to be in that tutorial right now. Oy. I feel like I'm disappointing Deverell, and I hate that feeling. At least I've got some notes to turn in, but it just doesn't feel like anything enough, anything substantial. -sigh-

This was just one of those 'what on earth am I going to do with my life' days. When you look to the future and all you can see is a swirling mist, and there's no straight, clear path stretching for miles ahead for you to mark out and say, "THIS is the road I will travel." I feel like my time here's been nothing but a series of winding, foggy forest paths which have all led to dead ends. I'm just hoping that this one takes me out of the wood and onto the plains...

Is certainty in life too much to ask? I'm not talking about trust and faith, I'm talking about reliable, solid certainty. Now that my current life's nearly untangled, I find that the lack of certainty in my future is rather frightening - I just don't *know* what I will be doing in several years, or a decade, or farther down the road. I talk to friends back home, and they're discussing plans for their upcoming marriage (yikes), or how their children (?!?!) are doing. And these women are younger than I am... this also concerns me. Here I am at age 20, roughly one-fourth through an average lifespan, but I still don't know if I'll ever want a family (still ambivalent on the kids issue... though it might be worthwhile), if I'll subsume having a family to pursuing my career or vice versa (like mom says she did), if I'll ever marry... heck, even if I'll ever carry on a relationship that doesn't fall apart when it encounters severe stress (though I have a great deal more faith in Sam than in virtually any other guy I've met).

Ah well. I know that I'll find out in time, but I often wish I had some reassurance that things will turn out ok... y'know, that I don't end up a failure in everything I attempt, or die within a few years before I have time to experience much of the world. I don't know why I'm here, but I plan to enjoy myself while I'm around.

Enough contemplation for tonight. I'm going to sleep.