Ever been through one of those days where you doubt everything good about yourself, and whether or not you can make it through the rest of the day/week/year? Yeah, that was today. Things shouldn't affect me like this, and they don't that often anymore (thank god). But when they do, the whole world comes crashing down, and I'm paralyzed by worrying about all the things I have no control over, and all I can see are the ways things will go wrong, or are changing for the worse. Thank you to the people who told me what an idiot I was for thinking that - I'm awfully glad to have you guys as my friends. (And much good luck to Sarah, who's got a couple presentations coming up and is really stressed over them, but who was sweet enough to drop me a line anyway... hope you do awesome on 'em. I'm almost ashamed of complaining about my problems, compared to yours. You deserve good luck more than I right now - hugs to you, you can make it.)

Part of the problem today was seeing how many things have changed recently... Abby's still unhappy from time to time, D&D's dead in the water (loss of one creative/emotional outlet, right as I was beginning to relax enough to not get headaches after every one from stress) from the loss of Mike and possibly Abby :( :( :(, orchestra and chamber music are both out for the year (loss of both musical outlets for creativity and emotions... I miss them a lot), and I just feel so uncertain about the future. Honestly, the future terrifies me if I think too much about it - but I can't help but think forward to try to figure out where I'm going to be and provide for that. I've always done that so I could be prepared for whatever came my way. But I've never felt so overwhelmed by it before. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, leave all my friends, and go it alone... again? It hurt to leave my high school friends, but it's going to be much, much worse to leave the friends I've found here... living around them and being there for each other during the rought times has made them practically family. I can't imagine leaving them and starting over again elsewhere. But I'll have to do that in a year... and all this plus the 20 page paper looming in the very near future made me want to hide in a corner and cry.

On the up side, I still managed to get some work done today - expanded my paper outline. Guess I'll be writing most of that 20-30 page h 97 paper tomorrow... that's the next really big thing on my back, and the sooner it's written and off my back, the happier I'll be.

The rest of term?
German labs and written exam
another set of h 161 readings for this week
h 97 paper (20-30 pages due wednesday) + revisions (hand in sometime next week?)
h 161 paper (5-10 pages, medieval church)
an 101 exam (so so screwed for this, so behind on the readings - 400+ pages? ... but at least I'm p/fing it)

I can make it... I can make it...