Note to self: never, EVER again let the benadryl, dayquil AND tylenol cold and sinus go past their expiration dates without getting more.

Of course, I didn't realize this until I needed it. Dammit.

And that's why, at 1:40 AM, sick as a dog with something similar to the flu, I'm sitting here with dry racking coughs listening to Sam's new speakers playing exuberant Enya next door, through the wall. I just hope he doesn't get this... I've tried to be careful and not pass it on to anyone. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy... (well, maybe them. If I have any right now... I don't think so. I've learned that hate's not healthy, whether it's for others or yourself.)

But this sucks. Badly. I've tried to be self-sufficient, and keep on a happy face, and persevere and everything else... especially with Sam's parents here. I felt so damn guilty that I didn't feel well enough to go out to dinner with Sam et al... that I didn't spend as much time talking with them as I should've... I was so worried that they wouldn't like me (stupid, yes, but true). They were absolutely wonderful, and concerned about me - Sam's mom even offered to bring back soup, and run a socteam errand when Arthi reported that Luigi was also really sick, so could I please drive to Smart and Final for CTF munchies (he's sick with the same thing I have. Bloody terrific. And at one stroke, both drivers on socteam are taken out. I admit that I'd said that I'd do it, if luigi absolutely couldn't... but I've also done the past 2-3 errands required. At least I bribed Jonathan into doing it in return for fudgey brownies when I'm well enough to bake.) I felt even guiltier about that - they're here to have fun with Sam and celebrate his birthday, and instead they're worrying about Sam's girlfriend, who's so inept she can't take care of herself.

All of this plus feeling physically miserable just isn't happy.

And that's why I'm crying right now. I feel like such a little child. I'm 21, for crying out loud. If I can't take care of myself by now, what the hell have I been doing with my life??

But all I want to do right now is be rocked like a little child and have mom there (maybe with chicken soup?) saying, don't worry, it'll be ok. You'll get over this. Just a week from now, if not days, you'll be feeling better and everything will be fine. Just relax.

Instead, I'm out of nourishing canned soup, clean out of unexpired drugs, and I can't get to sleep. What fantastic timing. I've got thesis reading piling up, plus a german exam due Monday and an oral exam to boot. Not to mention that midterms are on the horizon, and approaching rapidly.

And in the face of everything, I feel so, so powerless.