That is why I stand here day after day
Utterly alone, searching for a way
To find the answers that elude me so;
Please, someone, show me the way to go!
-my little sis

Nothing's quite so clear now.
Feel you've lost your way?
You are not alone.
-Into the Woods
---

Today's topic: Uncertainty.

I have this overwhelming urge to run and hide every time I think about grad schools. It's intimidating enough to think that I'm already a senior, with only another year between me and grad school (or the real world). What's more intimidating is that come mid-June, I'll be saying goodbye to friends I've come to consider as family. I have no idea where I'll be headed, or where they'll be going, or how often I'll see them again (if ever). I think talking to Jennifer, one of my friends from HS, brought this up - I haven't talked to her since... er... way way back, maybe beginning of sophomore year. She's in her senior year of clin. psych. at A&M, also working on grad school apps... but she's also getting married in May. o.O

Everyone's getting married! What's going on??
Don't get me wrong - marriage is all well and good. And I'm really happy for Sarah and Brian, Jennifer and Andy, and all those other engaged couples out there. But it feels very odd to realize that my friends are getting married and may have children within the next few years. Very, very odd. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's just the realization of how old we are, or maybe it's the feeling that I don't think I'm quite ready to settle down just yet. Or perhaps it's because marriage and kids never figured into the plans I had when I was in high school... I could see myself living alone with my dog(s) and having a terrific career, but not as the wife of anyone I knew. Not a chance in hell. Now, it's kind of an amorphous possibility, though still pretty remote. In a few years, perhaps, if Sam's still around and thinks I'm worth it, or barring that, if someone as terrific as Sam comes around. As far as I'm concerned, there is plenty of time before deciding things like this - I just don't want to rush into a commitment that I'm not ready for and end up disappointing someone. In truth, most of the time I try not to think about it, because that's introducing another variable into the already formidable equation of 'After Graduation'.

In this vein, why is it that people seem so keen to dismiss others' relationships as 'not very serious' or 'not as serious' as their own? I've had this happen at least three times, and each time I'm stunned and rather miffed. It comes across as awfully presumptious if you don't know the other two people very, very well. There's just something about relegating someone else's relationship to roughly 'fling' status, without knowing the background, why or how the relationship works, that irritates me. It just seems that there's often a lot more to relationships than what meets the eye, and commenting on the tip of the iceberg without seeing the rest seems rather silly. (Don't get me wrong - I appreciate forthrightness and truth, particularly from friends; it's often helpful to get another perspective from other people who care. I just wish people would think about what they're saying and *how* they're saying it before voicing opinions, because three offhand, thoughtless words can be a slap in the face.)

To end: I'm with Sam because I love him dearly. Being with him makes me happy, he's a fantastic person, and he's helped me heal and grow in various ways over the past 8 months (not to mention the time when we were just friends) - I couldn't ask for anyone more kind or caring. This is not some superficial dalliance just for kicks, but it's not a sprint to the altar, either. Does every relationship have to be one or the other?

Goodness, that was longer and more rant-like than I intended. And yikes, it's late... I've got a good 25-30 lines of Latin to translate for Brown tomorrow, due Friday. Plus german, and reading for thesis... it's all piling up already. Good night, all.