Trying for a more upbeat post, because people have noted that this place has been nothing but "Doom! Doom!" and wailing and gnashing of teeth for a while.

While it no longer feels like everything I touch turns to gold (like Midas, but in a good way), things are still going well. I have my recommenders ready to go; Prof Brown's been terrific at hooking me up with Geary and Rapp, and they were gold mines of information. I'm applying to top notch schools, and there's a definite possibility I'll get into at least one (so said Prof Geary when he heard my background). I just need to make sure I request transcripts, fill out apps, and get everything in before the deadlines hit... everything else is up to others. From there on, the decision is in the hands of the committee, and there is nothing more I can do. Somehow, I need to learn to accept that and move on. I will never have complete control over my life; some aspect will always depend on someone else. Perhaps complete independence is an unattainable goal, but I can control and change how I react to variables in life. Maybe that's what I should start focusing on. I've come a long way in that since I first came here, but there's still a ways to go. Always changing, always in flux...

Mom keeps telling me I'm selling myself short. Perhaps I've become concerned with thinking too much of myself, almost to the point of not trying something for fear of failure. It's like navigating between the Charybdis of depression and self-doubt and the Scylla of overconfidence. I think somewhere along the way, all that talk of "modesty as a virtue" got drilled into my head as "you're not good enough" and reinforced with the core ma/ph beatdowns. I don't want to aim too high and receive another severe blow to my confidence; I also don't want to squander what I have and never achieve much of anything. There's a happy medium somewhere in there, and I guess one of the points of living is to ferret that out and pursue it.

The question now is how to do that. I've talked to a lot of people about this so far. Everyone seems to have a different take... Mom says go for grad school, Joe says high school teacher might do the trick, Nate recommends taking a year off to reassess life. All of it is good advice, but everyone suggests the ideal solution for them.

Now, I need to figure out the ideal solution for me...