UCLA might want me! Received an email from Patrick Geary yesterday night - the medieval history folks had submitted their recommendations to the grad admissions committee for the dep't, and they really hoped something could be worked out for me. May not get funding the first year, which'll be interesting... but it won't be nearly so bad if I can get CA residency. Will need to look into that.

Ah, the first fake of the year... and barely missing getting duct-taped to a tree. ;) All right, not barely, since Nick didn't really give chase when Abby yelled, "There's a senior! Get her!"

Silly Abby. :)

Sadly, I did not have time to come up with a fake. I seem to be lacking in time and energy right now, and the latter is more worrisome. I think I'm getting enough sleep, but maybe I should keep more regular sleeping hours... 12-8 seems a little early for most mornings, though. -sigh- I miss my friends and entertaining happenings if I go to bed before 1 or 2.

Today's mood: Melancholy. Partially hormones, but it's exacerbated by several recent breakups of people I know. (Abby earlier tonight: "It seems like this is the month for breakups of long-term relationships") When I see this happen, the same question always comes to mind after the first feelings of shock and sadness for the happiness lost: What makes me any different from them? When will it be my turn? When will this wonderful relationship end?

I've done so well at pushing all these thoughts away for the last couple months, but at times this gets to be too much. I'm resisting the depression, but the voice is louder. I wonder if it will ever go away for good.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Enough bitching. It's time to go do something fun.

Lots to do, but gotta bleed the excess off my mind or it'll blow out.

Stream of consciousness, go!

...don't know what I'm going to do for a summer job, need to find some kind of tutoring job, oh crap completely missed meeting with career counselor weeks ago, need to reschedule and update resume, maybe I should make several resumes with different emphasis, seems to be what monster.com and other sites recommend, geez so many of these are 10$/hr and you drive all over to god knows where paying for gas and wear and tear on the car, doesn't seem so efficient, I'd rather just find a nice cozy place like Learning Foundations and tutor there, I really liked the people there and liked working with those kids, even the ones with learning disabilities, maybe it was because I'd gone through the same thing? it's hard to reconcile that frustrated, extremely shy sixth grader with who i am today, would anyone now recognize me then? who do I think I'm kidding, I can't do this, I can't live away from my parents for a summer before grad school, I can't deal with a real job on my own, what if something else happens to my car? I'd need a job really close to wherever I end up living, though I did find a few close by within 5 miles, I could even bike that, that's not bad at all, would be nice to get the exercise, exercise, crap, didn't send uribe the emails for last week on pe 1 hours, didn't do much either and I'm feeling it, gotta DDR with sarah and brian this week for sure, shit forgot to call the riding instructor and schedule a lesson for us, need to do that soon, i miss my dog so much, i really want him around, what am I going to do about him when I graduate? what if I don't get into grad school? some of my friends have already gotten calls, I don't know what's supposed to happen, Sangeeta asked me, I don't know I don't know I don't know I AM TERRIFIED AND SCARED AND NO GRAD SCHOOL WANTS ME YET.

Yikes.

I don't want to waste the time I've spent here at tech. I also want to feel like I'm needed somewhere, and that I'm actually doing something useful with my life, and that I'm GOOD at it too. I also want enough money from my job to be able to live comfortably - not talking about a posh house, just a nice, cozy place with a roof that doesn't leak, decent carpet, and with a contract allowing dogs. Being able to afford real food on a regular basis (ie non-ramen) and have time outside of work to pursue flute and other hobbies would be ideal. I've never done anything like this before, and honestly, it scares me. I don't know what's going to happen.

I think I feel better now. All right, time for Latin.

Funny site:
http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

...though it does go downhill after the first third.

Yesterday was... entertaining. I didn't get much medieval Latin translated, and didn't dig up too much information that sparked new ideas about Boniface and the suppression of saint's cults. Ah well. But Prof Brown had me sight-translate ~20 lines. o.O It was a little daunting on occasion, but I could do it with a little help from Cassell's and Lewis and Short. Hooray!

Ovid was also fun. As the letter to Helen wears on, Paris gets worse and worse with his descriptions of what he'd do to her. At one point, he even goes so far as to say that if HE had carried her away and was forced to give her up, as Theseus had, he absolutely would have had sex with her first (he even rails at Theseus for his idiocy on that account ;). But it gets better! If she was still a virgin, he would have taken her as if she were a little boy (like Spartan custom, he points out). Yikes. The farther we read, the more I understand that first line of Helen's reply: "My eyes have been violated by your letter!"

German is very good. All's going well; I just need to keep on the ball with that, Latin and my thesis work. Phil's actually keeping track of the number of hours he works per week, and I think that may be a good idea. That way, I can cut out the time-wasters that aren't important to me, like random web-surfing, and limit the ones I enjoy, like watching/playing MarioKart and other games in Sarah and Brian's room. (Don't worry, friends are not included in time-wasters, I promise. ;) It's just that I need to focus on what I need to get done and finish that... especially since I'm thinking about trying to work part-time at Borders before summer begins. And there's the Mozart concert in April - not only will I be playing in the orchestra, but Don may ask me to play the concerto in G that I worked on for so long over the last couple years. We'll see. If that happens, I'll certainly be spending quality time with flute over the next several months...

Oh yeah, orchestra. I'm only playing in the Bartok Dance-Suite (Tanz-Suite) and Overture to Ben. Cellini by Berlioz. Angela gets first on the Rachmaninoff piano concerto, and she thinks I got the better part of the deal. We'll see. After playing those two, I can understand why Allen's distributing the load. This is HARD music, and it'll take a good deal of work to pull off. But it's also good music, which means it won't be a chore to practice. Hooray! :)

Ok, time to get back to German so I finish assignments before class.

I blame watching too much anime with Abby:


Compassion: You are there to share your sympathy
with others. People would consider you
affectionate and caring, and someone to look up
to.


Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait)
brought to you by Quizilla

So, when are we watching the next Inuyasha or Escaflowne episodes? ;)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it's silly, but I've always wanted wings. ;) I'm not so sure about angelic being a good descriptor for me - I think Sam would certainly take issue. "ONLY 10% evil?" But it's funny that the caretaker/protector/defender part sounds almost dead on for Lyra, my D&D character.


You are one of the few out there whose wings are truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and divine, you are one blessed with a certain cosmic grace. You are unequalled in peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of Light your wings are massive and a soft white or silver. Countless feathers grace them and radiate the light within you for all the world to see. You are a defender, protector, and caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver of the wrong, chances are you are taken advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often. But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in everyone and so this mistreatment does not make you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will try to help misguided souls find themselves and peace. However not all Angelics allow themselves to be gotten the better of - the Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting for the sake of Justice and protection of those less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever change - the world needs more people like you.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Just hilarious. And it's altogether too close for comfort, as anyone who saw me during Whack-a-Mole frosh year or the recent Full Contact Dance Dance Samurai Showdown can attest.


Congratulations! You're Merry!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Even if I was the only woman in the first round of Pub vs. Hell Full Contact Dance Dance Samurai Showdown, and I happened to be tackling/wrestling a frosh guy away from the DDR pad, just like Mike's tackling the other two guys... why on earth does someone have to yell "Grope her!!"

-sigh-

Because I love the movie, and just saw it while on my last shift at movie weekend...

Quotes from Dead Poets Society

Because we are food for worms, lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils.

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman: "O me, o life of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life? Answer: that you are here. That life exists, and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.
What will your verse be?

"Come my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world
for my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunset.
And though we are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will.
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Just when you think you know something, you have to look at it in another way. Even though it may seem silly or wrong, you must try! Now, when you read, don't just consider what the author thinks. Consider what you think.
Aside: I do this all the time: in history, in life, when talking to friends, everywhere. Didn't you ever wonder what I was sitting and thinking about, when I'm staring off into space? ;) And I think half the impact of a story or poem is in how you react to it: how close to home it strikes, how closely you identify and relate with the people or situation in the tale.

"Truth. Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet
cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat
it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream."

I brought them up here to illustrate the point of conformity: the difficulty in maintaining your own beliefs in the face of others. Now, those of you -- I see the look in your eyes like, "I would've walked differently." Well, ask yourselves why you were clapping. Now, we all have a great need for acceptance. But you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular."

One of the Truly Techer Moments
MEEKS
Me and Pitts are working on a hi-fi
system. It shouldn't be that hard to,
uh, to put together.
PITTS
Yeah. Uh, I might be going to Yale. Uh,
uh, but, I, I might not.
GLORIA
Don't you guys miss having girls around
here?
MEEKS AND PITTS
(smiling)
Yeah.

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone. Sure there's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."
-Henry David Thoreau

Yes, it's a movie (and highly emotional at times), but there's a lot of wisdom in there. Ever since I saw this movie early in high school, some of these statements have been at the back of my mind (well, along with the idea that being an English teacher like Keating would be really really cool ;). Life is fleeting; make what you can of the time you have now. By extension, pursue what you love in life - your career, a significant other, hobbies, etc. I suppose that's been my motto for at least the 1.5 years, and perhaps that's partially what's sustaining me now, right before the huge uncertainty of life after graduation. I don't know where I will be 9 months from now; at this point I don't even know what I'm doing this summer, though I'm pretty sure I want to find a job and stick around here with friends. But I cannot afford to pull a blanket over my head and sit in a corner weeping for Sam and the dear friends I might lose to distance, for the possible rejections I could receive for grad school and jobs, for being uprooted from a place I now call home. I can only live today, and hope that with time and work, everything will fall into place, that new opportunities will arise to follow yesterday's defeats and disappointments.

Carpe diem. Seize the day, lads. Make your lives extraordinary.

Updates

1) Almost done with ND app!

2) Didn't make Fluid Dynamics. On the bright side, David said that I had a pretty voice and excellent pitch - it just wasn't what they were looking for right now. I guess that's the downside of being in the arts: you have lots of leeway with what you can do and your personal style, but you're at the mercy of what people want at the moment. You can be great at something, but if it's not in demand, then you're still outta luck. That's not just true in music, but also in dance, theatre, art... it pervades every art form. It's just something you have to deal with, if you really want to pursue art.

I found it interesting that the rejection didn't bother me that much. Maybe that's because DK was so complimentary of my voice before the "unfortunately...". Perhaps it's because this was not terribly serious for me; I didn't have all my hopes hanging on the audition results. I would've really enjoyed singing with them, because they're a good group of people and extremely talented. But I have orchestra, chamber group, painting, and many other talents. Voice always did play second fiddle to my flute, and it's been ages since I was in any vocal group. It's always been a minor hobby, and it's ok with me if it stays that way. I'm happy. :) Though I am a little curious as to what I should do to better my chances in another audition... I can do flute auditions (have good tone, show off phrasing/melodic mastery, dynamics, breath control and technical ability), but voice seems to be another kind of animal altogether.

And I can now say that yesterday, I did something I've wanted to do for a while that scared the bejeebers out of me. :) Hooray for conquering fears, and many thanks to Tina and Marlena for convincing me to audition in the first place. It was good for me.

In response to the previous post, or Why Joe is Hilarious ;)

NASATimp: Eww! Deceptive advertising! I thought I was getting a clip of the paragraph below, but no, dancing mostly-nude hippo!



NASATimp: (Just kidding, anyway--I'm not that disappointed... computer-program semi-porn isn't my idea of a good time, particularly not with disgustingly large breasts. Yuck.)

In the interest of hilarity...

http://www.stud.ntnu.no/home/alexann/

I also find it amusing that programmers strive for the utmost 'reality' in rendering females with very few clothes on. For instance, last night when Dan and Abby were playing Baldur's Gate, they met a drow queen who was pretty well endowed and had remarkably few strips of vinyl/leather on... but she still had enough support to jiggle like mad. Also, there were the poses that had *nothing* to do with what she said -while she's threatening them with their lives, she's practically pole dancing on her staff, or fondling herself! I think Pat hit the nail on the head when he said that the programmers must have made her and that sequence for another reason, then ended up replacing her dialogue and inserting her into the game for kicks. Yikes.

I also wonder how much time the programmers ever spent around real women... that drow looked severely anorexic, her chest jiggled like it was made entirely of Jello, and there's no way on earth her breasts would be a double C or larger if she doesn't have an ounce of fat anywhere else!

Wish I knew what on earth I was going to do this summer. Ideally it'd be something here in Pasadena, so I could spend leisure time with friends for a couple more months... something that I'd enjoy, or at least be willing to tolerate... something that would pay more than a pittance for my time.

Any ideas?

I've been checking lyrics of the songs I'm thinking of auditioning on, and found this entertaining gem written by Cole Porter.

I am in love, sung by Ella Fitzgerald

I am dejected. I am depressed.
Yet resurrected and sailing the crest.
Why this elation, mixed with deflation?
What explanation? I am in love.

Such conflicting questions rise
around in my brain: Should I order cynanide
or order champagne?

Oh, what is this sudden jolt?
I feel like a frightened colt,
just hit by a thunderbolt. I am in love.

I knew the odds were against me before,
I had no flair for flaming desire,
But since the gods gave me you to adore,
I may lose but I refuse to fight the fire,

So come and enlighten my days and never depart.
You only can brighten the blaze that burns in my heart,
For I am wildly in love with you,
and so in need of a stampede of love.

I knew the odds were against me before,
I had no flair for flaming desire,
But since the gods gave me you to adore,
I may lose but I refuse to fight the fire,

So come and enlighten my days and never depart.
You only can brighten the blaze that burns in my heart,
For I am wildly in love with you,
and so in need of a stampede of love,
and so in need of a stampede of love.

Contributed by HeelsFans
Validated by Todd Peach


www.thepeaches.com/music/ (has many more ella fitzgerald lyrics, too)

I just got talked into auditioning for Fluid Dynamics. o.O

Not quite sure how I feel about this yet. On the one hand, I'm very flattered. And a little voice says, wow, you've thought about doing this for a while. Go for it! It'll be fun and different!
On the other hand, my rational side is thinking: wait, wait, how much time per week? And that's on top of 45 units as a senior? Plus the extra reading you were going to do? And the concerto you were going to prepare on flute? You're kidding me!

But I might as well audition and see what happens. I could cut back on the flicking for this, I think. And I have thought about auditioning for an a capella group before; I just never had the time or sheer guts. I don't know if I have either now, but Marlena seems to think that I might be ok, and Tina says they're desperate for another female singer. I've sung in choirs before (albeit a long time ago); I know basic theory and can read music pretty well. I pick up tunes and memorize lyrics fairly easily. Assuming the audition goes ok, it's just the time issue.

I guess we'll see. Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

Ideas for summer jobs in pasadena:
-tutor for HS students, possibly at a tutoring center instead of driving all over the landscape
-get ensemble together beginning 2nd half 2nd term, keep it together and play for weddings, parties and other gigs
-give music lessons? (doubtful)
-work at borders (sounds really attractive - apparently they let employees borrow books...)
-work at starbucks (not so attractive)

Someone's doing research on the LOTR movies! You should probably help them out: http://www.lordoftheringsresearch.net/lor.php4

Now, for more work...

Class Update:

German - the usual. It looks like we'll be keeping a journal during the weeks of this term, too - 200 words a week about random things, to be polished into an essay later. It'll be good writing practice, and heaven knows I need that. I do fine with the grammar exercises, but "it all flies out the window when you hit the writing section!" lamented Frau Washburn. I should practice more...

Latin - Pigman's still fairly dry, but funnier when discussing Ovid and the finer points of Latin. Also, it looks like Ovid's going to be quite entertaining - Pigman loves him for his cleverness in language. We're reading a collection of letters he wrote in the characters of different couples from mythology and literature: Paris and Helen, Hero and Leander, and Acontius and Cydippe. Already I think I like the class - it's relaxing, somewhat laid-back, and I remember bits of Latin poetry trivia like synecdoche (use of the word of a part to represent the whole, I think) and metonyme (use of one word to represent another thing altogether). And scansion - wow. I'd forgotten I'd missed all of this...

Especially, of course, the raunchiness and double-meanings ALL OVER. The first page today was great: Paris trying to seduce Helen, beginning with sweet nothings in her ear and feigned modesty.

Excerpt from Paris Helenae (Paris to Helen):
"si tamen expectas vocem quoque rebus ut addam,
uror: habes animi nuntia verba mei."

"if nevertheless you expect a word to add to those things,
I burn: you have the messenger words of my soul"

I love Latin. :)

Hm. In all the traveling, I completely forgot about New Year's resolutions. Looking back over last year's, I think I still need work on a few...

2003's and comments:
1. Get out and about more often. Quit being a hermit. Experience life firsthand instead of living vicariously.
Between the Bishop Fellowship, Germany trip, and Hawaii, I'd say I did a lot of experiencing life firsthand through travel. Also began a steady relationship with Sam - experiencing love firsthand - and it's still working. Although I still enjoy the confines of my room, I'm more open than I was.

2. Start *everything* earlier. Papers, reading, sets, you name it. Since I should be in classes that I like, there's no reason to procrastinate.
Er... I tried? It worked with some things, not so well with others. Ah well.

3. Go to yoga and bike around town more often.
0 for two here. But the yoga instructor here now is terrible, which halfway excuses the first one.

4. Relax more. Worry less. Let go.
Worked to some degree. Being with Sam helps a lot. So does having great friends. Hopefully it'll continue to do the trick.

5. Practice more flute. Do justice to the Mozart Concerto in G. Try out for concerto competition again next November.
Definitely didn't live up to this one. After the two weeks of flu and a term of playing catchup, I had neither time nor energy for the concerto competition. I also find it harder to practice flute - I like it when I do, but it's just lower on the priority list. -sigh- Not sure what's happening there. I don't want to lose my skills, but there are other things I want to do. And more and more I realize that I won't be seeing many of my friends after this year, which makes me want to spend much more time around them and enjoy their company while I still can.

6. Learn more in riding, and begin jumping and/or dressage work.
Well, I did in the first six months! Then I left for Ireland and Germany. In the meantime, my instructor Davee left 3D Farms, on account of difficulties with her partners and lack of funds. She's now in bartending school, and really enjoying it. More power to her, but I'll miss her a lot when I start riding sometime soon (this week or the next).

2004's:
1. Worry less about things out of my control. Grad school apps and the uncertainty of many things in the future (love, grad school or job, friends, family, etc) are really beginning to get to me. But I can't live with fear for the next bad thing that might happen. -sigh-

2. Exercise more. Student-designed fitness this term should help - I'll be DDR-ing with Sarah H and biking with Sam, as well as riding at 3D Farms. Should help with the worries and stress, too.

3. Enjoy life to the fullest possible. I'm already succeeding at that, but need to keep in mind that I'll never have these days again. Carpe diem.

4. Be a better correspondent. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with friends... meaning to send letters, but forgetting. I should fix this.

5. Face disappointment with grace, not grief. I seem to have this difficulty with letting go when I make mistakes of any kind. -sigh- I'm afraid I'm going to be experiencing at least a few letdowns in coming months, and I can't afford to lay down and die when any one of them hit me.

5b. Be less foolish and idealistic about imagining the future, whether in academia, the job market, or in love. More to the point, don't be stupid and blind and assume everything will turn out the way I wish it would. That'd save a lot of troubles, and would have helped a lot waaaay back in frosh year...

6. Try to be optimistic. "It could be worse! You could be on fire." -Sam

I think that's a pretty good list right there. I know I don't have any academic goals up there; I think that's the way I want it for now. I'm not going to set goals I don't think I can achieve. Besides, planning to be accepted somewhere just intensifies the blow if I don't get in... though I admit, I sure would like to see acceptances from Princeton and UCLA in my mailbox. ;)

Happy New Year to all, and I'm out. Love to Mom, Dad, Kat, Red, and my friends at home.

Wow, that time went by quickly.

The obligatory "What I Did Over Winter Break" synopsis:

-played two services in church, and enjoyed it. I love the Greensleeves medley, and I'm a sucker for Bach and good acoustics. -sigh- I know I complain beforehand every time, but it *is* usually fun in the end. Don't mind the grousing.

-went to Hawai'i to visit Sam and family on vacation!!! It took some doing, especially after a surreal, nightmarish trip to the airport that took an extra two hours. BUT I managed to get out there *and* move my flights to the 28th instead of the 26th, and it was truly incredible. I'm very glad I came. His family is so nice, it's unbelievable. Now I know where Sam gets his great qualities. ;) Saw some lovely waterfalls and beaches, kayaked down the Wailua River with Sam, swam in a waterfall pool and stood under the fall itself, snorkeled for the first time in my life (and saw a needlefish!! wow), heard a slack-key guitar concert, saw lots of hula performed, swam in gorgeous crystal-clear ocean and even celebrated Hannukah (if looking on and humming the tune counts) and Christmas away from family for the first time *ever*. Definitely missed my family, but Sam's family was absolutely wonderful.

Not the most traditional Christmas ever, but it was really different and fun. Thanks for asking me to come out there, dear. :)

-came back home to grad school apps due in no time. But the Princeton app is now in (and thank goodness!), and I have another couple days until UT's is due, and Notre Dame's not till the 15th. All the same, I'll get them both done tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts.

-also came home to an impromptu giving of unwrapped presents. ;) Sorry mom, dad, and kat... but it's the thought that counts, right? And I am now the proud owner of a LOTR ROTK calendar, plus a nifty tool set for the days ahead when I don't live across the hall from virtually any and every tool I will ever need. ;) Thanks Mom and Dad!

Oh yeah, speaking of Christmas... thanks to Sam's kind parents, I now possess one super-nifty Hawai'ian shirt (it's creamy yellow with blue flowers and *trucks* all over it!! perfect for 'truck-girl' ;) and flip-flops, which I'll be wearing a fair bit once the weather gets warmer. And thanks to a very generous Sam, I now own the extended edition LOTR Risk game! I'll be back at tech by 1 PM on the 2nd - come by my room and play!

Man, I hope I don't flame with that game around... I received the shorter version last year for secret santa, and we certainly played it at least 3 times *during finals week* first time. Closest I've ever been to flaming with 'easy' classes. ;)


I think that's about it for now. Need sleep before the great adventure tomorrow, so I'm signing off. Night all, and Happy New Year!