Hello, home.

Not much happening here, as usual. I went to church this morning to please Dad - though the more I go, the less I feel like I fit in there. Yet I don't think California made an agnostic out of me. That happened many years ago. I just didn't express my opinions till I hit Caltech.

Whenever I come home, I go to church because my dad wants me to go. The service brings him great comfort; I've wished sometimes that it did the same for me. Today was worse than usual. It's Lent, so the service focuses on begging God for mercy for our personal sins, 'things done and left undone'. I admit, I'm not perfect, and I may be proud, but I don't feel that constant personal denigration is in order when the only 'sins' committed were the occasional mean thought, and I've already chastised myself for them.

However, I think another piece of the puzzle that is me fell into place today. I've never, ever seen myself as good enough - my friends can attest to that, and I've made a few bad choices in life because I didn't place enough value on myself and my feelings. Only within the past year or two have I become more confident, and seen myself as someone who deserves love, good and equal treatment, respect, etc. Today, I felt more strongly than ever that perhaps this feeling of unworthiness stems from the constant stream of religious sentiments I grew up hearing: "You will never be good enough for God's grace, which is freely given to you; you are nothing compared to Him. Give up and bow down. Relinquish control to One greater and more powerful than you could ever be. Don't think; just follow these rules and you'll be happy. He does this because He loves you."

Maybe I'm too proud and haughty, but I can't. Do I respect the historical figure of Jesus and his teachings? Absolutely. How could I not respect someone who stood up for his fellow man, and preached love and tolerance? I can't think of any actions more honorable and upright.

The interpretations filtered from his actions over two thousand years of organized religion are what scares me. The part that I refuse to condone is the constant self-mortification. It weighs more heavily on me in this area, because I'm female - in the eyes of more fundamental preachers and churchgoers, I am and will always be less than any male counterpart. End of question. I may be smarter, even a better person, but I'm less than a person, simply because of my gender. I should submit to men, because I'm clearly not as wise - after all, Eve was the author of original sin, and thus all women are sinful and need a man's guidance and control. I shouldn't think, only meekly follow, because those actions are suitable to women. No exceptions.

[Aside: Never mind that NOT ONE PREACHER I've EVER heard has noted that the Bible was written ENTIRELY by men. It's a decent guideline for the history of the church, as it were; but any good historian knows perfectly well that there's a bias in every history, even those written without agendas. The tents of the church and the books within the Bible were selected from hundreds of accounts of Jesus's teachings and actions by male clergymen at the Council of Nicea. All other accounts and interpretations deviating from said interpretation since that point have been classed as heresy. I refuse to believe that the texts in the Bible tell the whole story... and they even contradict each other at times! ]

Sorry, but I can't swallow that. I'm afraid the same feeling applies to those who think any agnostic or atheist is automatically less generous, considerate and kind to the people around them, simply because they aren't Christian. I follow my moral compass to the best of my ability. I feel pain if I harm someone else, however unwittingly. I do my darndest to forgive those who 'sin' against me. I don't cheat or steal; in most situations (and certainly in all important ones) I would not dream of lying. I'm a good and dutiful daughter, and I try my best to be a good sister. Sam may disagree, but I try to be a loving, attentive girlfriend. And I certainly try my hardest to be there for my friends whenever they need me, as I would be there for them. I try to live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. And I think I succeed, more or less. I fail sometimes, but I realize that I'm human; I take heart from my successes, I struggle against my shortcomings as best I can, and in the end, I make the most I can of my life and talents.

Aside from the question of belief, how am I any different from any believer? The only difference I see is that I take inspiration for my life from the realities and people within it, rather than from belief in a deity. I'm not saying that believing is bad or wrong; it's a terrific thing for many people, and I know and love many who are devout believers in Christ's salvation (Yussanne, Andrea, Mike W and D... I'm grateful to have known such truly wonderful people). All I'm saying is that it's not for me, or for many others, and these people can be just as nice and wonderful (for instance, Sam). I believe the basic message is good, but I don't believe Christianity is right on everything it preaches, and I don't believe people should be constrained to follow a religion that they don't wholeheartedly believe. I also feel that being an agnostic should not automatically exclude me from being a good person, or from striving to be the best I can be.

In the end, all I ask for is toleration and understanding; open hearts and minds; empathy with your fellow man. Make the world a better, happier place, however you can.

'Carpe diem, lads. Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.'
-DPS