The Nutshell Version, because I'm tired:

-Good concerts over the weekend. Talked with Craig some before the Caltech concert, about orchestra and UCLA. I think I'm going to stick it out in orchestra for another term... as soon as I decided not to take orchestra, I had pangs of regret. Drat me for being a complete pushover. Add to that chamber music, glee club, that Mozart concerto Don wants me to play 1st weekend of third term... yikes. I might as well be a music major.

-Still undecided on grad programs, need to do some number-crunching and other comparisons. Going to ND over Mar 25-29, so at least I get to see it firsthand before I decide. Damn CA for the budget crisis, I wanted to go to UCLA so bad I could taste it. Still considering it, though the parents aren't so happy about that. :/ I guess I can't blame them. It's a considerable amount more... but it's also almost certainly just for one year, since after 1st year there are dept fellowships, TA-ships, you name it. It'd just be a matter of hanging on for the first year, possibly through a job - not an optimal situation, but it's workable. Need to sit down with Geary and have a talk about possibilities for funding for 2nd year and up.

-still not sure what to do about finding a summer job. Have looked at monster job listings, considering applying to Trader Joe's, other groceries, Borders, Peets, tutoring centers in area. Who knows how long I'll end up working... need to figure out the grad school thing. But who knows how long that'll take?

-A few things are looking hopeless, but there have to be more solutions out there. I refuse to roll over and give up. I used to be much more tenacious, before I had it beaten out of me by tech and relationship #1. Still mostly optimistic, just need to think happy thoughts and not get myself down over little things. Need to be more creative.

-speaking of creativity - spent some quality time with the flute and Mozart today (1.5 hours). Amazing how fast the time flies... it's not quite what it was at the end of summer, but it's within reach. Well, the first two movements are, once I get some more practicing in, esp with the intervals and quick passages. Still not sure about the third, even though Don's itching for me to play it too. I'd rather play 1 and 2 well than the whole thing with an awful 3rd movement. Mozart deserves better.

-possibly the saddest song I've ever heard (below). I've been in one relationship that ended badly (for me, anyway) and literally broke me; it's difficult for me to understand the thought of a wonderful, positive, healthy one splitting solely due to distance. Granted, distance often weakens a relationship, but just giving up seems like it's throwing away something that many would kill for.

I'm not going to go as far as Simon and Garfunkel in 'I am a rock' and recommend avoiding love at all costs (and believe me, I've been at that point before) - the reminiscing over lost love and good times certainly sounds poetic and poignant - but think about this: Honestly, what good are those dreams of this person who will never come back (or who doesn't care enough about the narrator to try)? And what good are these fine words and dreams of the narrator without taking any action to even try to be with the person he loves?

If there's a will and a way, why should the narrator settle for only dreams? Then again, perhaps that's just my undying naivete speaking. I've shown myself to be abysmally stupid about the practicalities of love in real life; maybe this is just the ignorance/idiocy surfacing again. Too many fairy tales as a small child, I suppose, and not enough hard knocks from reality.

Moral: When it comes to love songs and stories, I'm a sucker and a hopeless (hopeful?) romantic. I happen to like happy endings; it's a shame the world seems to have a grudge against them.
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A Summer Song
Chad and Jeremy
(Metcalfe / Noble / Stuart)

Trees swayin' in the summer breeze
Showin' off their silver leaves
As we walked by

Soft kisses on a summer's day
Laughing all our cares away
Just you and I

Sweet sleepy warmth of summer nights
Gazing at the distant lights
In the starry sky

They say that all good things must end some day
Autumn leaves must fall
But don't you know that it hurts me so
To say goodbye to you
Wish you didn't have to go
No no no no

And when the rain
Beats against my window pane
I'll think of summer days again
And dream of you

They say that all good things must end some day
Autumn leaves must fall
But don't you know that it hurts me so
To say goodbye to you
Wish you didn't have to go
No no no no

And when the rain
Beats against my window pane
I'll think of summer days again
And dream of you
And dream of you

---------------
I am a rock
Simon and Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark december
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need for friendship
Friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock
I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I'd never loved
I never would have cried

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no-one and no-one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island
And the rock feels no pain
And an island never cries