About a year ago, I went to the career counseling center and got the results of my Myers-Briggs Test. As I recall, I scored ISFJ - but with only slight preferences.

Tonight's results, from a similar but rougher test:

Your Type is
INFJ
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
78 22 11 1

The Counselor Idealists are abstract thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and directive and introverted in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known an Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

Another description:
INFJ
"The Counselors"
Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging
Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends . Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

It is an INFJ who is likely to have visions of human events past, present, or future. If a person demonstrates an ability to understand psychic phenomenon better than most others, this person is apt to be an INFJ. Characteristically, INFJs have strong empathetic abilities and can be aware of another's emotionas or intents even before that person is conscious of these. This can take the form of feeling the distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types. INFJs can intuit good and evil in others, although they seldom can tell how they came to know. Subsequent events tend to bear them out, however.

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects.

INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. Because of their vulnerability through a strong facility to introject. INFJs can be hurt rather easily to others, which, perhaps is at least one reason they tend to be private people People who have an INFJ for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that INFJs are inconsistent; they are very consistent and value integrity. But they are convoluted, complex personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification.

Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive. What is known as Extrasensory Perception, ESP, likely found in an INFJ more than any other type, although other types are capable of such phenomena. INFJs have vivid imaginations exercised both as memory and intution, and this can amount to genius, resulting at times in an INFJs being seen as mystical. This capability of intense internal intuition extends to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come. INFJs can have uncanny communications wiht certain individuals at a distance.

INFJs often select liberal arts as a college major and opt for occupations which involve interacting with people, but on a one-to-one basis. For example, the general practitioner in medicine might be an INFJ, or the psychiatric or psychologist. As with all NFs, the ministry hold attraction, although the INFJ must develop an extraverted role here which requires a great deal of energy. INFJs may be attracted to writing as a profession. INFJs make outstanding individual therapists, who have the ability to get in touch with the archetypes of their patients in a way some other types do not. Whatever their choice, they generally are successful in these fields because of their great personal warmth, their enthusiams, their insight, their depth of concentration, their originality, and their organizational skills can all be brought into play.

INFJs are generally good at public relations and themselves have good interpersonal relations. They value staff harmony and want an organization to run smoothly and pleasantly themselves making every effort to contribute to that end. They are crushed by too much criticsm and can have their feelings hurt rather easily. They respond to praise and use approval as a means of motivating others, just as they, the INFJs are motivated by approval. If they are subject to a hostile, unfriendly environment or constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized, and finally become physically ill.

INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and find constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches. Their friendship circle is likely to be small, deep and long-standing. As parents, INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ, particularly is linked to her children in a way different from the other type: with almost a psychic symbiosis. They are usually concerned about the comfort of a home and most especially the comfort, physical health, and emotional well-being of both mates and children.

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Yikes, but it's nearly right on. The ESP/visions bit is rather odd - I don't believe in that sort of thing - but the intuition about others' feelings is downright spooky sometimes. I remember several times when it made me feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, even so recently as early last year. Way back in senior year of high school, by noting nonverbal actions and speech together, I was able to peg a bank officer as blatantly untrustworthy - a real snake-oil salesman - while Dad was believing every word he said as true. I talked about it with mom and dad later, and mom pointed out that women tend to give equal weight to both verbal and nonverbal cues and process them simultaneously, while men will usually focus just on one at a time. I guess that's why I could predict that the bank officer would try to fool Dad into cosigning a credit card, even after he'd expressly said that he didn't want to cosign for one (I had my own assets from a couple jobs in a savings account in the bank, which would have easily covered the credit limit). Something just didn't feel right about him.

Ditto with the Randy fellow and his tutoring agency. I don't know what's going on there, but something just doesn't feel right to me there - he sounds genuine, but the little things weren't adding up, and alarm bells were going off in my head. Call me foolish, call me stupid and superstitious and an idiot for turning up so much money, but there's something fishy there.

I'm just surprised the description didn't call this sensitivity to emotion a double-edged sword. Sure, it's certainly useful, but when talking to someone who's going through a particularly trying time, it's so easy to slip into their shoes and look at things from their perspective... but that opens you up to a deluge of emotions. It's hard to take that step back from the whirlpool and actively think about blocking the other person's emotions so they don't suck you in too, so that you can think clearly, objectively, and try to help them. Or knowing that someone feels for you (like that 17 year old Austrian), and not being sure what to do to dodge it gracefully. It's a lot worse when it's a close friend who you respect, and sincerely don't want to offend or hurt. It often seems like it'd be easier to go through life oblivious to these signs, and dealing with only one's own feelings.
Looking back through old posts, I found this one waaaay back in August 2002:
"Sometimes, being perceptive about others can be a real curse. You sense something happening, and feel helpless to do or say anything about it, for fear of a misunderstanding... it's like knowing a tornado's coming. All you can do is batten down the hatches and hide in the closet to weather the storm, and hope everything'll be ok afterwards." It's still so true, but these days it's more focused on other people. It's hard to talk to people sometimes for fear of misunderstanding or being too familiar or nosy, but it's equally difficult to see things developing that may hurt someone. A double blessing, my foot.

Then again, if I've managed to help someone, perhaps it's worth it.

If only I knew exactly how to deal with this kind of situation. Perhaps I should consider counseling as an option... with training, it might be easier.

Because it's lunchtime, and I'm hungry. :)

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

or

I am Vanilla Flavoured. I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?

Random thoughts:

I try so hard to be a good, kind person, but so often it just seems like it doesn't work and I feel like a worthless, weak pushover. Is that really how I come across? How can I change this without becoming one of those irritatingly vexatious people that I've met in life?

Following that... I wish I had some consolation that others were trying to be kind and compassionate too. It's hard to believe sometimes, and more difficult to hold to what I believe to be right if no one else is bothering to be considerate. I know I fail sometimes, but some days I feel like I end up taking the brunt of many people's bad moods, and it feels very unfair. Again, the pushover state. How far should I let this kind of thing go before I snap back and don't put up with it anymore?

Need an apartment for next year...

Need a job for this summer...

Want out of here, but at the same time, I want to stay. Odd but true. I feel safe and happy here, and I don't want to leave those feelings for uncertainty. On the flip side, I don't want to stagnate.

Must do German now.

Lots going on, little time to write about it.

On the plate:
Finding a summer job. ideas: tutoring through an agency, freelance, summer camp work (CA preferred, possibly TX?), music stuff?

Tomorrow. I feel so very behind. :/

Thesis: running to keep up and finish with a decent product before term ends.

German: dammit, my test grades are slipping, and I'm not sure what I'm forgetting. the little stuff gets me every time.

Latin: doing ok.

America at War: so far behind on the reading.

Living: ok, I think. need more time to relax and smell the roses without knowing that I'm going to be paying the price for my leisure time with hours of slaving.

Painting: not much free time at all. :(

Finally came to a decision on grad schools, after talking to my parents. Enough waffling. Damn the torpedoes, UCLA ahead!

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Now, to find a really nice summer job. I went with Vikki and Jon today to check out one program, which is paying $50/hour to bring remedial kids up to snuff on the CA standards exams in math. I did not, however, expect to be teaching the kids the first day with little to no preparation!!

An hour after we're there, I'm standing in front of 15 kids, and trying to keep from losing control of the group to this one little girl with severe attitude problems. Thank god she left early. Apparently, she's very bright, but she has some real issues with authority. The rest are quite nice, and I also ended up with the high end 'smart' group. They were picking up concepts fairly easily, just needed a few reminders here and there. The project coordinator showed up a couple of times to monitor progress (more likely to make sure they weren't eating me alive).

Overall, I like the philosophy. They're big on incentives and getting kids enthusiastic about the material. However, the organization is another thing - because there's virtually NONE. I had no idea we'd actually be teaching; I thought we were going to watch one of their teachers doing this kind of thing and possibly helping as classroom aide. Being thrown into this without anything more than 20 minutes looking over the packets we're supposed to teach from is ridiculous, kind of like tossing someone into the ocean and saying, 'Sink or swim, buddy!' On the plus side, after the classes ended, he said he really liked how energetic I was in the classroom (considering the nerves... no wonder). HA!

The pay is extremely good. The location right now: not so good. It's at John Muir Middle School, located past downtown LA off the 110S Slauson exit. The school's predominantly black and hispanic kids, and it's a completely different world from what I grew up with. There are chainlink fences surrounding the school; the classroom desks look old and worn. This is an inner-city school. These teachers are underpaid and understaffed, and it's showing in these kids.

But I have doubts about this company too. They pay in cash (ie, there's no paper trail), they claim to pay great rates (typical tutoring through an agency is 10$/hr)... and they aren't going to pay us until the program's done. That's 4 weeks, 3 sessions a week, 1.5-2 hours per session. That's a lot of time. It just sounds like they're setting us up to not get paid, and that concerns me a lot.

Moral: I wish I could find a job that felt genuine that paid 50$/hour, but I think this is too good to be true. Time to look for another place to work over the summer...

"I stand upon some dreadful brink, and it is utterly dark in the abyss before my feet, but whether there is any light behind me I cannot tell. For I cannot turn yet. I wait for some stroke of doom."

I think that about sums it up for the grad school debate. I can see myself being desperately unhappy at ND, or severely cash-strapped and working like a dog to cover living expenses at UCLA. I'm very close to calling it quits on grad school this year and taking a year or two to work a 'real' job, get some perspective, get CA residency, and make damn sure that history is what I really want to do in life. I'm bloody terrified of making the 'wrong' decision and ending up in debt (to my parents or whomever I get money from) and jobless after 5-6 years of specialized history training.

How silly - I've finally figured out that I crave security and stability... right before my world gets completely turned on its head. -sigh-

Topic for today: Music.

Played the Mozart concerto in its entirety, with cadenzas, for Wendy and Don Caldwell this evening. They had surprisingly little to say about it - I figured Don was going to pick over the whole thing with a fine-tooth comb. To the contrary, they were thrilled with the musicality of the phrasing, the emotion within it. Wendy even said that when she accompanies music students these days, it's rare to hear one who plays music, instead of a lot of notes quickly.

Wait, did I miss something? Isn't music school supposed to teach MUSIC?

Apparently, no. It seems that a number of music schools teach technique first and foremost, and if you're lucky, you get a teacher with an ear for music as well. Or maybe it's that music school destroys the 'feel' for music, sacrificing that on the altar of chops and fingers through endless repetitions of Taffanel and Gaubert. This endless drilling on notes and scales puzzles me no end. To a certain degree, this is very useful. However, if you want 'perfection', by all means, build your automatons and have a go at this Mozart concerto. I will never claim to play it perfectly - I don't kid myself. It's a difficult piece, and there will always be some improvement(s) to make on any performance.

But I, an imperfect mortal, can do what an automaton cannot: create the emotions that I feel the music should evoke in the listener. (As Boyk says, 'be transparent to the music'.) That's what's always fascinated me about music. There's so much scope in that collections of lines and symbols on the page, and the 'feel' often depends heavily on the performer's interpretation. Try listening to Rampal and Galway performing this concerto; typical music aficionados will hear a master and a grandstander. ;) Yet both of them are so amazing in their interpretations, their cadenzas, the way they interpret the same notes on a page - it's the same concerto, but it sounds and feels so different. This is the magic that is music. I'd almost forgotten about this aspect of it... I'm glad that tonight reminded me. :)


Ah, that also reminds me: Harlan, my fellow UG flute player in the orchestra, was pleased with how I played the concerto the other night when rehearsing with the chamber orchestra. He thought it sounded somewhat like Rampal. Coming from another flutist who's played this piece, that's high praise indeed. :)