Sometimes, I believe that I will never understand myself.

Other times, I believe that I will never understand other people.

I don't know which is the greater shortcoming. I often feel I'm a different person everyday, just based on the way I react to things - it's kind of odd. Part of that probably comes from experimenting with who I'm most comfortable being; after 20 years of life, I still don't know exactly who I am, and sometimes it bothers me no end. But I'll say it again - it's awfully nice to not worry about what someone else thinks right now, and I'm quite tempted to keep things that way for a while longer. This may sound jaded, but in my opinion, love isn't always all it's cracked up to be... sure, one experience isn't a proper representation, but there's something way too feverish and intense about it. It's like seeing through a thick fog - you can't get a clear image; everything is hazy and skewed, and in looking back, you realize that you weren't thinking as clearly as usual. Not that this is a terribly bad thing, or that love isn't worth the time (there's something fantastic about realizing how much someone means to you and vice versa), but it's not an experience I'd care to repeat right away. Give me a clear mind to find myself and happiness in platonic friendships over love's feverish, clouded view for now... and give me my space. Enough time and the right guy, and I imagine I'll fall into love again, and won't mind giving up my freedom again. But for now, freedom and solitude are sweet indeed.

Father Babb died today.

Unless you're from his congregation at Trinity Episcopal Church in Longview, or from one of his other congregations in Colorado, this probably doesn't mean much to you. But to those of us who knew him, the world is now the less for his loss. I don't think I've ever met a more genuine or caring person. Warm and always willing to listen, he encouraged thought and contemplation with his words (both in sermon and daily life) and set a marvelous example. I still can't believe he's gone - it doesn't seem right, or fair. If I can be just one-tenth the person he was, and encourage just a fraction of the number of people whose lives he touched, I will consider my life to have been worthwhile.

A few words from Mom:
KKWELGE: YES..you had a chance to meet a true man of faith
KKWELGE: he touched a lot of lives whereever he lived

KKWELGE: yes...I remember in a card to you at graduation, he something to the effect of seeing God however you choose to see him
KKWELGE: do you remember? a very insightful man
KKWELGE: certainly not like a lot of the other preachers around here
Flutekw: yes, I certainly do. he was one of the most genuine people of faith I've ever met.
KKWELGE: I agree. You could see it in his eyes...he was one of the most nonjudgmental people I've ever known....he truly loved everyone

And a prayer Dad found that sounds a lot like Father Babb's benedictions:
Prayer-Alcuin of York (8th Century)
Eternal light, shine in our hearts,
Eternal goodness, deliver us from evil
Eternal power, be our support,
Eternal wisdom, scatter the darkness of our ignorance,
Eternal pity, have mercy on us,
That with all our heart and mind and soul and strength we may seek thy face;
And be brought by thine infinite mercy to thy holy presence. Amen.

Father Babb, we'll miss you... go with God.

The riding lesson I had today may have been the best one of my life.

I can't remember another one when I felt this proud, this happy... the first time I rode this horse was over three months ago, and I remember being shaky and nervous after the lesson, as well as frustrated at not being good enough to control her. Today, despite still being somewhat sick, I managed to ride her well enough to merit praise from the brusque instructor (one, I'll add, that didn't know me or Yussanne at all - today was our first day in this class). There's a great deal of satisfaction in being able to convince a horse to perform precisely the way you desire (while keeping good form and making it look easy), and I came the closest to that today than I ever have in my life. I suppose it's just heartening to realize that after pouring effort into an endeavor, you've managed to improve considerably.

Just another nice little glow from one of the little things that brighten my life... more and more I discover that quality of life is based not only on the main events of life, but the little events, the daily undercurrents that you don't usually pay much attention to. I'm starting to notice those again, and so far, all of 'em are looking up. I just spent 3 weeks in Austria (still can't believe that... wow it was fun); I'm working on an interesting SURF under the best, nicest postdoc ever; I'm around good friends that care about me (and even better, none of them are stressed right now, since it's summer); I get to go riding with Yussanne twice a week now (and I finally feel like I'm seeing improvement); I have plenty of time to read whatever I like (and practice flute too, once I get well enough); I have another whole year to toss around ideas of what I want to do after I graduate... there are so many small things to buoy me up, it's easy to be happy. Not that I'm complaining after last year, of course...

Though it is odd that 19 was such a rotten year for me... 20's shaping up to be fantastic. Hope the trend continues. :)

In any case, it's time for a nyquil nightcap and sleep - I'll try to write more tomorrow. Night all.

I'm back, and better than ever. Austria was awesome.

Things I learned while in Austria:
1) There's nothing like a new perspective to make you appreciate what you have.
2) A little nudity in billboard advertising never hurt anyone... and it sure is funny.
3) A damn lot of German.
4) Oddly enough, I really miss the people at caltech when I'm away. ;-)
5) I found myself, and realized that my life is better than ever before. Why couldn't I see this earlier?

Sometimes, it takes a different perspective to allow prior events to click into a new focus, crystallizing into a different pattern. Austria provided that for me... there's nothing like a drastic change of scene and culture to make you reexamine what's going on in your life, and what you'd like to change. Thinking back, I can't remember being this happy for months, which scares me. How long have I been just existing, instead of really living?

Well, from here on out, count me in. I'm not just along for the ride anymore; I want to live.

I once told a dear friend that I wanted "to live, to love, to travel" and many many other things. I'm still not sure about the second, after being burned once... perhaps things would be different another time, perhaps not. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to risk that yet, and I don't think I want to commit to anyone else now, even several months afterwards - one thing I realized over the past month is that I rather enjoy being alone. There's a lot to be said for not caring what anyone else thinks, not worrying about someone else, not always having another's cares burdening you, not having to allott time for someone else... and right now, I'm enjoying this freedom immensely. Let life come; I'm no longer afraid to face it alone, for I have my friends. Thanks a million, guys, you mean a lot to me.

I'm falling asleep, so I'll continue writing about the SURF tomorrow - it's going well so far. Hooray for starfish and PCRs. =^)

Auf Wiedersehen,
Kirsten
--
Something along the lines of a new motto for me:

"May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true.
May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong.
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy, may your feet always be swift.
May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful, may your songs always be sung.
May you stay forever young."
-Bob Dylan