I'm going to take a short break from writing that bishop fellowship essay to write here... maybe emptying my mind of extraneous thoughts will help me finish it.

ok, stream of consciousness...one, two, Go!

grad school looms and i am terrified. i've been looking at different grad schools and all i can think about is, is this really what i want to do with the next 5 years? do i want to get a ph.d. and teach in a college (hopefully) someday? do i want to devote my life to academia? have i exhausted all other avenues that i'd possibly be interested in, or am i missing the one thing that would really make me happy in life? how would i know? am i sure i won't get tired of this like i've gotten tired of biology? or was that really that i never was interested in it and fooled myself into accepting it at first? why can't i figure that out faster, why do i have to like something and then discover it's not what i thought? what makes me think i won't burn out on history too? or that i'd be any good at it? perhaps i shouldn't go to grad school and should do peace corps or something to figure my life out before i commit that much time and money to very narrow education, i don't want to feel like i've wasted more of my resources, much less my parents'. i already feel like a big enough loser for coming to caltech and majoring in history, instead of something solid and scientific like physics or biology. why the hell aren't i doing something with more job security? is there anything out there that is more secure and still interesting?

what about music? nah, too insecure. doesn't pay decently enough to really earn a living unless you're really good, and you have to spend hours and hours teaching lessons to kids to help supplement your income. but that doesn't sound too bad. but i don't have a degree. no parents in their right mind would send kids to me unless i was semi-famous, like performed with an acclaimed orchestra or quintet or something already. and i don't think i'll be getting any better at flute in grad school. god knows, if i end up at ucla, i know i won't be playing in any groups - i've talked to craig, who's in the law school there, and all the music majors take up all the ensemble and orchestra spots. he still plays with our caltech/oxy orchestra, for crying out loud (not that we're bad, of course, but still).

what about drama? that's gotta be interesting, i've always wanted to try acting. but i never had time or inclination, since i had flute and therefore orchestra and chamber groups. so i'm now in my senior year, and the only work i'll ever have done for TACIT will be my 5+ hours tomorrow, helping the costume designer with costumes sewing, etc. ain't no way anyone in their right mind would take a chance on someone untried. heck, i wouldn't if i were them. i don't even know if i have what it takes to do drama. can i act? beats me. i'd like to try (especially for macbeth next quarter), but i'm too damn scared. and orchestra concerts are always overlapping the play dates. ok, ok, i admit the second reason is more of a blowoff excuse, i bet they could rearrange them if i really wanted to do drama. but i'm still afraid.

why am i so afraid of everything new and different? why am i so afraid of grad school? i don't know what i want to do. where i want to go. who i'll meet. what'll happen between me and my beloved friends here, like sam and yussanne and abby and rebecca and andrea and tina and...the list goes on. where they'll be, whether we'll keep in touch, whether we'll drift apart and be like strangers within 5 years. i like having things under control, but right now it's all coalescing into a big scary ball of unknown variables. it's difficult for me to let things go and relax, because i like the certainty of knowing what's coming next. and i'm ready to move on with my life (well, at least to ditch the horrible smoggy/smokey air in la, because i'm sure every year here means 5 more off my lifespan). i just don't know. and the uncertainty keeps cropping up and distracting me, gnawing away at my confidence. you wonder what i think about when i can't sleep, like i couldn't last week with all the coughing? this is it. welcome to my dark, insecure side.

--end gabbling stream of nonsense--

I think that helped. I just wish I had more time to figure out what I want to do and get out of life. I still don't feel like I have it figured out and 'together', though I don't know if I ever will. -sigh-

Ok, enough writing for fun. Back to the more serious stuff...