Boy do I have a lot to write about, but it's not going to happen till tomorrow. But I did just finish my Latin assignment, and it sure was easy compared to how the first two felt. I wonder if that's because I'm learning the constructions and key words again, or if it's just an easier passage. Guess I'll find out tomorrow...

Other things to discuss (finished 11/11, 2 AM):
A few days ago, I was talking with a few female undergrads about grad school and the subject GREs. I don't remember who started it, but once one person said it, everyone agreed: right now, "mother" looks like a better job than grad school in math/science. Why this feeling? Is it because of the stress in science, the stress at tech, the ratio? Or do females in all majors and colleges experience this? Perhaps it's because we can foresee the difficulties we'll experience in science, and motherhood pales in comparison simply because we cannot foresee the obstacles we'll have to overcome. Or perhaps because it seems so far away for most of us.

Then, later that day or the next, I was talking with Maryam, and we stumbled across the same subject. She's fairly active with the womens' center, and it turns out they're worried about blacker because of recent spate of marriages in the last class, and the general 'married out of tech' phenomenon. They're concerned because these female tech graduates probably aren't using their aquired scientific skills and pursuing careers in science, but instead are falling into a more domestic role while their husbands continue in grad school. Why does it happen? Would it happen at a liberal arts school, or a less demanding tech school? Do women feel like they have a fall-back position because it's still socially acceptable to be a stay-at-home mom? Do men ever feel this way? Or do men not have that option because it's not socially acceptable for them, because they're usually cast as the breadwinner in a family? We raised a lot of questions while I was making those brownies, but I don't think we came up with any solid answers. Of course, it varies from couple to couple, but it'd be interesting to see if there was a trend. You could poll recently graduated couples on occupations and intentions...

Hmm. I sure do sound like a hum/ss major... it'd be an interesting thesis in women's studies, for sure. "Study of Recent Female Caltech Graduates and their Pursuits". In any case, that's a lot of questions, and very few answers as yet.

Where do I fall? Hard to say. I was the outlier for the 'mother sounds like a good job' group - much as I'm beginning to like baking, making meals for the family every night doesn't sound quite so thrilling. Same goes for cleaning (as anyone who's ever seen my room should know). And I think I'd go nuts, just caring for a family day after day - I know that I crave variety in daily activity, and I need to feel like I'm doing something that benefits others and earns me my keep (during the discussion, I added the caveat that I'd be a mother 'as long as I could keep playing gigs as a part time musician, or hold a job as a lecturer'). I don't think I could be a hausfrau and retain my sanity. (Sideline: Though I have to admit, being like the Oracle would be pretty cool when I'm older. The more I watch the Matrix movies, the more I like her... she's just a good grandmotherly/neighborly woman, with a lot of wisdom and sense and terrific chocolate-chip cookies.)

Don't get me wrong; someday it'd be nice to have that kind of security. I think that's one of the important qualities in a relationship - that I feel secure, safe and loved. I'm definitely not a feckless, fancy-free, uninhibited kind of person. The more I've traveled, the more I've realized that I crave stability at home - I like experiencing other kinds of culture, but I need to know that at home, virtually nothing has changed. But right now, I don't know if I'm ready for the marriage kind of stability... not for a few years yet. Maybe it's because I don't know how I'll change in grad school, if I'll change as much as I did in the last four years. I wonder if a relationship, however strong, would last through such drastic changes in personality. Then again, perhaps I've completed most of my metamorphosis, and there are only a few smaller alterations left to finish the change. I'm mainly happy with who I am... sure, I'd like to be more organized, more assertive, less fearful, more confident, but all these are relatively small changes when compared to the major personality upheaval I've had over the past several years. Maybe all these obstacles are just figments of an overactive imagination, and a relationship would last through that time without difficulty. I simply don't know.

In any case, until I decide that I'm mature enough, relationship stability is just right. I'd have to say that since I've been with Sam, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Happiness is a wonderful feeling.

Enough discussing, I'm exhausted. Good night all.