Grr, I hate applications. They're always redundant; they always make you jump through far too many hoops. I guess their reasoning is that only the really devoted students will make it through them all... but it's so damn irritating. Geez.

Not much going on in Longview. Have to play in a church service tomorrow; wish I hadn't agreed to do it. The director is having me play the bulk of BOTH services, so I'll be up there from 7:40 to 12:30 or so. That's a lot of church for an agnostic, and a lot of playing for someone who's slacked off practicing for the past couple weeks. -sigh- I think I'll just tell mom not to tell the director when I'm coming home. That might be the ticket. I do like the acoustics, and I generally like playing in the church, but I really do not feel like it after only being home a week. I'm not feeling like a lot right now, except pain. Stupid sinuses, stupid headaches, stupid mood swings. I can't figure out if it's being here or just hormonal changes. Grr.

It's always so damn cold in this house. It doesn't help that Dad and KAt are forever turning off the heater because "it's HOT!" when it's a chilling 65 INSIDE, and roughly freezing outside. I'll never live in a house this big, with its inability to stay warm. It's pretty, but so poorly designed for winter. So energy-inefficient, so cold, so dark - there's very little light around here, too. The general effect is morbid. No wonder my mood's affected; it's like living in a crypt, for crying out loud. All we need are stone floors and guttering torches, and maybe a tomb here or there.

-sigh- Ok, enough bitching. I'll do something useful now.

Life at the Welge's: interesting, stressful.

1) usual refereeing between family members. worse this time than previous visits, but got better later today.

2) talked with Sam. thank goodness for him, he keeps me sane. miss him a lot, can't wait to see him again in just a few days. :)

3) dogs are great :)

4) saw LOTR: Return of the King today!!! First reaction - generally good. Though I dearly wish he could've spent the 5 minutes to develop the Eowyn-Faramir love story. :( I was sitting there waiting to see what he'd do with it, and he blew right past it! Kinda disappointing, especially since he watered down most of her lines in the scenes he kept. -sigh- Ah well. He did a fantastic job on so much of the rest - the charge of the Rohirrim was *incredible*. Go see it if you haven't!

4) spent a few hours in email correspondence with Brown, Princeton grads. Peter Brown and William Jordan sound like great mentors, but the institution's not so great about teaching you how to teach. Hmm... if I'm accepted to both, it may be a toss-up between Princeton and UCLA. We'll see, I guess. Don't have my heart set on any of them yet - trying to avoid planning and having my heart broken when I don't get into my favorite. Will figure out that crossing when I come to it.

5) Weeded out Harvard! McCormick responded to Brown's tentative email, derided my high school Latin skills and attempts to review it ('she won't be competitive with other young scholars from around the world without a rigorous college classical latin training') and implied that he'd be willing to take me on only for his biology-history project with labwork on aDNA of plague victims and rats (note that I got into history because I couldn't take the biology anymore... I'm not about to do it in grad school!). He may be a brilliant scholar, but I think I'd rather not work with someone so... pompous. I liked Geary MUCH better. So Harvard's out, and that's $100 saved in application fees. Hurrah.

So the grad school list is down to 5:
UCLA, Stanford, Princeton, UT, Notre Dame.

Here's to hoping some place wants me... and is willing to pay for me, too.

6) Also eagerly anticipating the arrival of the first goods I've ever purchased online. Hoping I'll have time to fix them up before I get back to tech/before everyone else gets back to tech, since they're supposed to be Christmas gifts. ;) Hopefully everything works out; we'll see.

First of all, many congratulations to my little sister. She totally rocked in tryouts on Saturday, and ended up taking first place out of all bass clarinets in her region! Yaay Kat! :) So she'll be going to Area tryouts come January... I'm really proud of her.

Also, she's been a great help recently. She helped me put up our first artificial tree while mom and dad were away at a Christmas party, in order to surprise dad and convince him that artificial trees COULD look as good as a normal tree, and also that they were a LOT less fuss and hassle. (Many thanks to Sam for the idea; also thanks to Blacker for convincing me that enormous trees are rarely worth the effort if ONLY THREE OTHER PEOPLE feel like helping.) I think it worked. Dad was first a little shocked at the large fake tree, but it's really pretty and quite realistic (well, once you fluff out the twig ends, which takes a while) - and he didn't have to put it up or place lights on it. Plus it doesn't shed needles, and you can lug it around in small bits instead of battling an unwieldy 8+ foot 1-piece real tree. I admit that I kinda miss the smell and feel of a real tree, but perhaps it's worth the tradeoff. As mom said, there are always pine-scented candles... ;)

Also finished my UCLA app today - hurrah! One more to go tomorrow before I can breathe a little easier and take my time with the next 4. However, tomorrow's also Mom's birthday, so I'll probably have less time than usual... I'd like to do something nice for her, like wrap that present I made for her and perhaps bake something without it turning out miserably. ;) We'll see...

Anyway, I feel I should probably try to get back on TX time, so that means I should sleep now. Later, and to all my friends scattered around the country and world - happy holidays, and send an email! Though I'll be seeing my old friends from HS and catching up with their stories/lives, I still miss you guys.

Ah, home again. And it's relatively stress-free so far! Hooray!

Kat's in All-Region Tryouts today, and Mom and Dad are gone for some sort of 'support the troops' luncheon... so I'm sitting here filling out applications and waiting for Kat to call me to pick her up.

Life's pretty good - I'm virtually done with the UCLA app (hooray!) and taking a break before I finish up Stanford's. Next deadline coming up is Dec 30, though I think I'm going to try to work ahead over the next couple days and get everything done before I travel out to Hawaii to spend time with Sam and his family. Gosh but that'll be fun, and probably very low-stress... his family is amazingly nice. Hopefully I won't be sick either!

Red's well, and he's lost weight! He no longer looks like a large sack of flour on legs. I may take over extended walking duties from Dad while I'm home, starting today - it'll be good for me too. The other dogs are also fine, though Di's getting somewhat old. It's hard to believe she's 13; most of my memories include her and Shadow (died summer after my freshman year). She's just always been around... Of course, this also raises the question of much longer Red will live. -sigh- Wherever I end up, it'd really be nice if I could bring Red. I hope everything turns out well... so many things are enormous question marks right now, and I won't know enough to plan until early April, after the acceptances come in. Until then, all I can do is hope.

Ok, enough fun for now. Gotta finish these apps before I can enjoy the break!

Wow, but today was a busy day. Virtually no German studying occurred, but I did meet with Brown, give my three recommenders ALL FIVE of the recommendation forms for the grad schools that require them, and finish my statements of purpose for UCLA and Stanford.

For some reason, I felt a lot better about the whole grad school application process today. Not sure why, really; I just did. Maybe it was all the busy work and running around, so I didn't have time to think about it. But I don't think it's just that. I'm feeling more positive about it nowadays - talking to Brown and looking at the course descriptions was fun. (Gender and Politics in medieval Europe... how the secular world was viewed by different monastic groups... Anglo-Saxon!!! :) Now, as long as this lasts, I'll have very few problems. Trying to keep the chin up, and it's working.

Anyway, lots to do tomorrow (art history and german exams), so it's time to sleep.

Trying for a more upbeat post, because people have noted that this place has been nothing but "Doom! Doom!" and wailing and gnashing of teeth for a while.

While it no longer feels like everything I touch turns to gold (like Midas, but in a good way), things are still going well. I have my recommenders ready to go; Prof Brown's been terrific at hooking me up with Geary and Rapp, and they were gold mines of information. I'm applying to top notch schools, and there's a definite possibility I'll get into at least one (so said Prof Geary when he heard my background). I just need to make sure I request transcripts, fill out apps, and get everything in before the deadlines hit... everything else is up to others. From there on, the decision is in the hands of the committee, and there is nothing more I can do. Somehow, I need to learn to accept that and move on. I will never have complete control over my life; some aspect will always depend on someone else. Perhaps complete independence is an unattainable goal, but I can control and change how I react to variables in life. Maybe that's what I should start focusing on. I've come a long way in that since I first came here, but there's still a ways to go. Always changing, always in flux...

Mom keeps telling me I'm selling myself short. Perhaps I've become concerned with thinking too much of myself, almost to the point of not trying something for fear of failure. It's like navigating between the Charybdis of depression and self-doubt and the Scylla of overconfidence. I think somewhere along the way, all that talk of "modesty as a virtue" got drilled into my head as "you're not good enough" and reinforced with the core ma/ph beatdowns. I don't want to aim too high and receive another severe blow to my confidence; I also don't want to squander what I have and never achieve much of anything. There's a happy medium somewhere in there, and I guess one of the points of living is to ferret that out and pursue it.

The question now is how to do that. I've talked to a lot of people about this so far. Everyone seems to have a different take... Mom says go for grad school, Joe says high school teacher might do the trick, Nate recommends taking a year off to reassess life. All of it is good advice, but everyone suggests the ideal solution for them.

Now, I need to figure out the ideal solution for me...

I think I've lost all motivation to work. Considering that I haven't finished either final yet, this is probably a bad thing.

NASATimp: Hey, as to jobs--how about a high school history teacher who is a woodwind instructor for the band or orchestra on the side?

If I could find a high school that wasn't populated by a majority of hoodlums, sure. I don't want to spend my 'teaching time' yelling at students, writing referrals, and trying to prevent knife fights from breaking out among the students... and getting my foot broken as a result. (This will probably sound very familiar to mom)

On the other hand, if there aren't severe discipline problems to deal with, this might be a very pleasant job. I'd get to work with history, or a language, (possibly even with math up to precal or science) and retain my flute skills while passing them on to others... that sounds like fun.

Maybe it's time to stop by the career development center again...

Feeling slightly overwhelmed. More apathetic than anything.

And trying to think of other jobs I can take in case I:
a) don't get into a grad school, or
b) decide that I'm not up to it and back off for at least a year, if not longer.

It's funny, because I used to be so excited about history grad school and pursuing the PhD, the tenure track position, etc. Now when I think about it, I feel more like I'd rather not go... it scares me. I don't think I can consistently produce the quality of work it'll require. I don't even know if I'll enjoy history enough to get through the MA, let alone the Ph.D.
As Geary said, it's 5-7 years of specialized training that won't transfer very easily into another field. That's a lot of time and resources to spend on something... if I follow that path I'll be 26-28 (?!?!!) by the time I'm done. Yikes.

-sigh- Wish I knew what was going to happen in life.

In the meantime, if you have any ideas about jobs that a history major with experience in Latin and German, not to mention biology, archaeology, and good amateur flute performance could do... please do tell. I'm at a loss.

Maybe I should become an interpreter... it'd take a heckuva lot of hard work, but I don't think it'd get boring.

-----
the conflict of realism and idealism:

I seem to have this foolish tendency
to hope for the best, envision it and believe in it.
Someday, somehow, it'll get knocked out of me
and good riddance - for then I will begin to live
content with the here and now
not yearning for unattainable dreams.

Wisdom of the evening: Many things are easier to deal with after a good night's sleep and a few other events. Perspective helps. And music still makes everything better (thank goodness). Sam and friends coming to a concert: even better. :) Thanks, dear.

Tired. I've had a rehearsal every night so far this week, plus one this afternoon. I'm beginning to feel like a music major. But I don't mind it so much... the past few days have felt like a never-ending stream of frustration, and music's nearly the only thing that breaks the chain. I don't feel like it's fair to bother Sam, even when he's playing video games to relax with Brian et al. I don't feel like it's fair of me to complain, either, considering the amazing amounts of work that Yussanne, Rebecca, Andrea, Elaine, Joe, and virtually everyone else I know are powering through right now. I feel weak and whiny next to them. Here I am, a history major, and I can't handle the easy little course load I have. -snorts- It's ridiculous.

I just wish I knew why I felt this way. Anxiety? Maybe. -sigh- I just want to be happy again. It shouldn't be so hard... this is senior year, I have a terrific boyfriend and wonderful caring friends, I enjoy what I'm doing (I think). What's wrong??

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: being female right now is miserable. Mild depressive episodes + pain every month is no picnic. And I know it's not pleasant for Sam, or my friends, or anyone else around me when I snap or dissolve in tears. Thank goodness you guys put up with me.

I had an idea earlier, but it fled when I sat down at the computer. Perhaps it'll show up again soon. There are several other things floating around my mind, but I need to discuss them with others instead of throwing them up here - yes, I do exercise some restraint on content here. This is good as a sounding board, but right now I need to talk to people instead of to a computer screen. At least one is weighing heavily on my mind, but I'm not going to approach the person about it until later this week, when they have more free time.

And on top of everything, I am afraid. I'm sick of this fear. I love everything in my life right now, I love Sam, I love my friends. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to leave this place. I'm finally happy here. I've overcome so much; I don't want to go elsewhere and start over again, to prove myself to people who will decide whether or not I'm suited to pursue employment in college history departments. I guess that's because I'm afraid of failure. I don't want to be kicked out with a terminal MA, but I don't want to go through the PhD and discover that I'm not really that interested in history.

Why is it so hard? Hell, maybe it's just the raging hormones (all that drivel about 'sacred moon-times' be damned). Maybe tomorrow I'll be confident and sure again - I'll have subverted my doubts for another few weeks. Or I'll just have the outward appearance back together. It often seems easy to fool people who don't know me very well, who don't care to look very closely. It's all in knowing the right faces to wear, the right gestures, the right vocal tones and carriage. I guess that's what I learned from high school - how to act in different situations, from taking charge to blending into walls. And I wonder... would you have guessed all this from just looking at me?

I don't know what to do. I think it's time for more advil and work on the art history paper.
---------
The obligatory lyrics - a lot of Enya, mainly from A Day Without Rain.

Flora's Secret

Lovers in the long grass/ Look above them
Only they can see/ Where the clouds are going
Only to discover
Dust and sunlight
Ever make the sky so blue

Afternoon is hazy/ River flowing
All around the sounds Moving closer to them
Telling them the story/ Told by Flora
Dreams they never knew

Silver willows/ Tears from Persia
Those who come From a far-off island
Winter Chanterelle lies/ Under cover
Glory-of-the-sun in blue

Some they know as passion
Some as freedom
Some they know as love
And the way it leaves them
Summer snowflake
For a season
When the sky above is blue
When the sky above is blue

Lying in the long grass
Close beside her
Giving her the name
Of the one the moon loves
This will be the day she
Will remember
When she knew his heart was
Loving in the long grass
Close beside her
Whispering of love
And the way it leaves them
Lying in the long grass
In the sunlight
They believe it's true love
And from all around them
Flora's secret
Telling them of love
And the way it breathes, and
Looking up from eyes of
Amaranthine ...
They can see the sky is blue
Knowing that their love is true
Dreams they never knew
And the sky above is blue

One By One
(This one I will always associate with the last big argument I had with Sam, a couple weeks before we started dating. It arose from misunderstandings, and when it hit, I was afraid that I'd lost a great friend. -sigh- Proof that I'm far from perfect. But at least everything turned out all right in the end, for which I'm thankful.)

Here am I
Yet another goodbye!
He says Adiós, says Adiós,
And do you know why
She won't break down and cry?
- she says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.

One by one my leaves fall.
One by one my tales are told.

It's no lie
She is yearning to fly.
She says Adiós, says Adiós,
And now you know why
He's a reason to sigh
- she says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.
- she says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.

One by one my leaves fall.
One by one my tales are told.

My, oh my!
She was aiming too high.
He says Adiós, says Adiós,
And now you know why
There's no moon in her sky
- he says Adiós, says Adiós, Goodbye.

No Goodbyes
For love brightens their eyes.
Don't say Adiós, say Adiós,
And do you know why
There's a love that won't die?
- don't say Adiós, say Adiós, Goodbye.
- don't say Adiós, say Adiós, Goodbye.
- don't say Adiós, say Adiós, Goodbye.


Pilgrim

Pilgrim, how you journey
On the road you chose
To find out why the winds die
And where the stories go.

All days come from one day
That much you must know,
You cannot change what's over
But only where you go.

One way leads to diamonds,
One way leads to gold,
Another leads you only
To everything you're told.

In your heart you wonder
Which of these is true;
The road that leads to nowhere,
The road that leads to you.

Will you find the answer
In all you say and do?
Will you find the answer
In you?

Each heart is a pilgrim,
Each one wants to know
The reason why the winds die
And where the stories go.

Pilgrim, in your journey
You may travel far,
For pilgrim it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Sorry, nothing truly profound tonight. I haven't felt like posting for a while - too much going on in life, and I'm trying to enjoy my time right now before it's over.

So instead of my thoughts, here's one of the saddest songs I've ever heard. I first heard it on Achill Island, in Gielty's Pub - Matt, a Brit and fellow field school student sang and played it on guitar. Heard it again tonight on the soundtrack of Shrek, over at Sangeeta's (yes, I flicked for quite some time...) You should hear it someday.

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

I've heard there was a secret chord
that David played to please the Lord,
but you don't really care for music do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, the major lift;
the baffled king composing Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof.
You saw her bathing on the roof;
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to a kitchen chair
she broke your throne, she cut your hair,
and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before.
I know this room, I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What what's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you,
And the holy dove was moving too,
And every breadth we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Now maybe there's a God above
but all I ever learned from love
is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.
And it's no complaint you hear tonight
and it's not some pilgrim who's seen the light--
it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah