That's the first dress dinner I've attended in three terms... wow. The last two times, I've had riding lessons that I wasn't about to miss... but I must say it's nice to be able to go to dress dinner again.

That said, I was sitting at a table with Andrea Mc, Meredith, Arthi and Laura, which always means something odd's going to be discussed. (Were it Arthi and Jenny, I would have bet you money that they would have been playing the 'Penis!' game for at least part of dinner... y'know, one begins at a whisper, the other raises a notch in volume, and it continues till they're screaming it at the top of their lungs.)

Anyway, after discussing socteams, botanicals and drinking, Arthi asked me what I was like when I was drunk. I told her about the time in Germany when I nearly fell out of my chair from exhaustion and 1 glass of red wine (really low tolerance). 'Oh,' she says. 'But why did you want to know?' I ask. 'Well, have you ever seen the movie 'Ten Things I Hate About You'?' 'Um... yes...' 'Y'know the girl who's a little prudish in there, who gets drunk and does a table dance? I figured that might be like you...' HAHAHA. Yup, being on a socteam with her will be barrels of fun. ;)

Anyway, back to the core paper and hum reading. :)

Oh yeah... I've now been nominated FIVE times for secretary, and once to NOT be secretary. Er, thanks guys... ;)

Yikes but I've got a lot to do...

But that's not gonna keep me from writing. :)

Thoughts:
-I've now been nominated THREE times for secretary. Sorely tempted to run as 'despotic secretary' choice and reign supreme as tyrant if elected... no, not really. ;) I'll probably decline, just like I did for president.

-Jenny, Arthi, and Laura came by my room last night to ask if I'd be on socteam. Yaay! :) Even better, they don't want to have a socteam of more than 10 people!! It's unheard of: Blacker Hovse, getting rid of some bureaucracy? I don't believe it! But it'll be lotsa fun to work with them. Spent a while up in Hell after talking to them.. yeah, it's good to be around frosh. I sometimes find it hard to believe that I was once this happy and carefree. Anyway, they help keep me optimistic... :)

-which was useful last night after orchestra. It's been a long time since I've felt severely stressed in orchestra, but last night I was feeling pressure (mainly because I haven't practiced in a week... oy). AND I hadn't gotten more than 5 hours' sleep the night before (also my fault - reading, core paper and knightmare chess kinda ate up all the time). I was almost in tears halfway through from being so tired, getting yelled at a couple of times, and feeling like I wasn't playing up to par. (Damn mood swings. I hate being female sometimes.) But notwithstanding all of this, I STILL managed to nail most of a really difficult passage the second time through. AND I didn't screw up any of the third movement - I usually have problems with scherzos in 1, since it's easy to get off counting in a rest. The moral here is, I need to practice more.

-found pictures for core paper. 4 should be enough, and the captions will help boost my word count... Hopefully this'll work. Yaay for extensions.

for today:
-woke up kinda late... planned on getting most of core paper done this morning, but that sure didn't happen. German went well, Frau Washburn seems pretty pleased with me overall, even though I sometimes forget details. Ah well, practice will help.

-to do: core paper (due today!). h 161 reading + presentation (200 pages, due thurs). bishop essay and recs (only 1 left!). quick german review. think on h 97a reading/read over notes before discussion with deverell 5 PM. dress dinner tonight (can't believe I get to attend a dress dinner! but oy... I wish I felt better).

Ok, enough procrastinating. Time to really get to work on the core paper... see you guys later.

Random thoughts:
-Yaay for moles caring enough to voice opinions about hum/ss courses and the dept. You guys are great. :)
-Yaay for core 1a extensions :) Though I really should do some work on it before wednesday...
-Yaay for history in general. I love this field. Changing majors was the smartest thing I've ever done in my academic career.
-At some point, I've got to begin questioning just what it is I'm running from - why I fear anything concerning my emotions (or others'), yet have no problems continually risking physical harm while riding, playing with fun noodles, jumping off mantels... Not yet, but soon. This is the one big obstacle still hounding me. I'll face it down sometime.
-Ah, time for more reading... joys of being a history major. ;)

Right now, I have only one question: Why can't we all just get along?

I hate seeing this rift in the house. I hate seeing people belittled for no reason at all. Can we start showing respect for other perspectives, instead of derision? Can we act our ages and be responsible enough to be tactful of other people?

I used to love the people in this house, and how closely knit we were. Looking back over two years, I'm stunned at how different everything is, how much people have changed, and all I can ask is, what happened? I didn't see the shift occurring last year (I must have been blind), but the divide is there. It might as well be a physical obstacle to communication, a stone wall - the tension between groups in the house is palpable. And what galls me the most is that I feel helpless to do anything about it, except sit by and watch the tension rise to the breaking point.

I wish I knew what to do.

Owwwwww. I haven't been this achy for a long time. I think it was the combination of jumping in my riding lesson and fighting with fun noodles on mattresses later that night. Whatever it was, my arms are killing me, and my back and legs are strongly protesting sudden movements. Ergh.

But work waits for no one, and boy will it be a busy week.
For my benefit:
today:
-read 400 pages h 97a - 100 down, 300 to go :(
-revise core paper (I hate this stupid class. damn registrar... I have to write so much already, this is *ridiculous*. I wish I'd waited another year to take this class, and maybe the requirement would've been waived. Grrrrr.)
-study german, do workbook pages, review test
-practice flute
-medieval ninja future premier at 11:55 in lounge :) :) :)

for monday:
-meeting with deverell in morning, german 1-2
-read jordanova (200 pg) and write summary
-write more on bishop essay
-study german

for tuesday:
-ec 130 10-11:30, orchestra 7-10:30
-finish jordanova, start ec reading
-study german

In other news, Abby and I are working on character backgrounds with an eye to joining the Blacker D&D group in a few weeks... yeah, yeah, "Nerd!" away, but it sure looks like fun. :) Kind of like those 'Create Your Own Adventure' stories (anyone else remember reading those as a kid?), but *much* more interesting, and on an epic scale... I'm continually amazed at how good some of them are in character, as well as Sam's imagination and acting as the DM. It's another creative outlet that I've never tried... might as well while I'm still here, around people who wouldn't recoil at the thought of role-playing games. ;) Being here does have its advantages. Unfortunately, that's going to be put on hold for the next several days while I valiantly try to keep up with all this reading.

See you guys when I come up for air again.

Yesterday was an awesome day:

-first time I've ever jumped a horse in my life. Also the first time I've ever ended up sitting on a horse behind the saddle. (pun intended ;) I don't think I've ever looked so comical on a horse in my life - I was laughing, Davee was laughing... it was amusing. She was pleased that I stayed on, in any case, though a little bewildered. Apparently people either stay in the saddle (rare with beginners), or completely fall off, and although I wasn't gripping tightly enough with my lower leg, I must have a good sense of balance to stay on the horse. She was talking to me afterwards and said that I had a natural ability for jumping, since I could put everything together so fast and apply it to what I was doing almost immediately. :) Yaay for riding. Apparently, Davee thought that Yussanne and I were ready to start jumping a long time ago - but though she coached many students in private jumping lessons, she wasn't allowed to teach a jump class at TES. Why? No reason was ever given - only a 'We'll consider it' and nothing more, while her students were moving on to other stables' group jumping lessons (privates are a good sight more money than group lessons... so if you've got limited funds, groups are the way to go). Anyway, I bet Yussanne'll be thrilled when she gets to start jumping again, 'cause she's really missed it. :)

-election speeches went smoothly, even with a group of people drinking in the corner. I discovered that I've grown a spine. About time, and 'nuff said.

-bouncing around on mattresses in the lounge, and fighting with fun noodles. Apparently, I get some kind of killer gleam in my eye... Ben Pelletier (lloydie) and Chris M especially kept remarking on it (maybe because I kept going after them... but hey, they had noodles at time, so were fair game). Lotsa fun... until I jammed my left thumb taking a swipe at Jesse Liptrap. Gah... it's better today, so no harm done.

-getting smothered by said mattresses. it's rather fun, really... as long as no one gets hurt. And we're pretty careful. It's actually pretty comfy, as long as there aren't too many people piling on top.

-citadels! Unfortunately, the game was cut short due to the start of movie weekend... but as I was assassinated THREE times AND stolen from once or twice, I came in last anyway. -sigh- Better luck next time, I hope.

-feeling like I had enough time to watch a couple of movies... the trailer was great (as always), I stayed and intermittently slept through at least half of 'Orgazmo' (ties with Dumb and Dumber for worst movie EVER. I'm glad I slept through most of it...), and Army of Darkness (scripting: terrible, it made me cringe; acting: overdone (think Eastwood in Space Cowboys); accuracy of life in medieval period: please, someone shoot me. but it was worth seeing ONCE, to laugh at all of the above). At that point, I decided I'd sleep for 5 hours in my bed and wake up at 9:30 to see dead poets society (great movie!)... but didn't feel like rolling out of bed for it when 9:30 rolled around. so I slept until 1:30. Eh, I'll just rent it the next time I really want to see it. It gets better with each viewing.

And now, it's time to go scavenge some food. And actually do some work, reviewing the past perfect case in german and reading 200 pages of h 97a today. Catch you guys later.

There's nothing like a good night's sleep to put things in perspective. Though I'm highly flattered that many think I could do a good job as president, when thinking about running, I find that my heart really isn't in it. I'm not really thrilled about the possibility of shouldering a lot of responsibilities, but I felt that if people thought I could do it well, perhaps I should run. Now, however, I question how good a job I could do if I'm not fully committed to the position. And in the end, I think that the other four candidates are perfectly qualified, and have no problems with putting my faith in any one of them to lead our house... so why should I put my name alongside theirs? I'll be perfectly happy as a senior on socteam (whether or not I get booted), pursuing my interests in my free time, and lobbying through ASCIT and ARC committees to facilitate communication between students and admin, and to expand the humanities options available at this horribly lopsided school. ;) I would rather have the freedom to work for the causes I deem necessary and important to me, instead of wasting time and energy on the constant defense of all (or at least an errant few) of the members of the house from admininistration... and not having enough of myself left to defend those causes dearest to my heart. Selfish as it seems, I'm not willing to make that kind of sacrifice. For those you I'm disappointing with my withdrawal, I recommend Yussanne - she's probably the closest candidate to my temperament and views, and I give her my wholehearted endorsement.

Thanks to all my friends for believing in me, and thanks to Toomey and Sam LL for providing a clear, logical perspective. I love you guys, and I'll always be here to talk and/or advise (may even apply to be a UCC again next year), if you need a sounding board.
---
"You would give it to me freely... I do not deny my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a dark lord, you shall have a Queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me, and despair!"
She lifted up her hand and from the ring that she wore there issued a great light that illumined her alone and left all else dark. She stood before Frodo seeming now tall beyond measurement, and beautiful beyond enduring, terrible and worshipful. Then she let her hand fall, and the light faded, and suddenly she laughed again, and lo! she was shrunken: a slender elf-woman, clad in simple white, whose gentle voice was soft and sad.
"I pass the test. I shall diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel."
-Fellowship of the Ring

And yet again, I don't know what to do. I could follow my personal creed of six months - 'seek freedom and happiness' - and run like hell, or I could give in to the people who say that I should run for president... and possibly end up with the massive responsibilities I've watched toomey handle so adeptly over the past year. I don't know what to do. I'd finally reconciled myself to being booted and moving into sangeeta's apartment when/if she moves... and I was looking forward to eating real food regularly for a change. :) Then random people suggested I run for president... and Dan nominates me out of the blue earlier tonight. Gah. I don't know... this is a question of how I should spend my time and energy. I want to help the house, but I'm not sure if this is the right way, or if I'd be better suited to helping out with socteam (as I'd originally planned).

Where's a magic eight ball when you need one? ;) Seriously, friends who read this, please tell me what you think. Please.

Last night was my first night of 'sleep deprivation' on the history major plan: a whopping 5.5 hours, because I started reading the ec packets somewhat late last night, and had to submit a question on each. As Toomey said at lunch, "That's sleep deprivation to you?! The rest of us should be so lucky!"
Did I mention that I love my major? ;)

Now, to begin those h 161 readings... 3.5 hours, 200 pages, no sweat, right? ;) I'll catch you guys later.

score one for the mundane.

Luigi: I remember being at a summer camp where we made our own superconductors, with barium and --- and ...
Me: -shock- I think back to camp and remember sports, not superconductors...
Sam: I remember being in advanced math camps over the summer...

three guesses who's the odd man out. i'm too normal for this place. or abnormal, says Sam. either way, it sure does bring home the point that i probably don't belong here. ha, probably? make that certainly.

i'm going to go sleep now, and hope the strong feeling of intellectual inferiority is gone (or at least subdued again) by morning.

currently wondering what life would've been like had i gone to UT Austin instead of this place...
1) students would CARE about student government, and actually want to get involved and make changes for the better, instead of being apathetic slugs, or just plain irritating and callous.
2) i'd feel like the committee I'm working on for student input in the hum/ss dept would be worthwhile. the more i see of everyone else, the more i feel like i have no reason to change things, because no one appreciates the work we're doing to change things for THEM and for the better. actually, hell, the same goes for secretary, and it's part of the reason i'm not running for any other high profile house positions. all you hear is how badly you're doing your job, and people forget the times when you excelled, but always remember that something's late or wrong or [fill in adjective].
3) i would've been close enough to home to see my friends from high school, who i feel i've nearly lost contact with. i wonder sometimes if the people i've known here are any better than those at home, or just the same personalities with more intelligence? i wouldn't have felt so alone... at times, i still don't feel i have any truly close friends, that i'm too mundane, that i don't fit in with the people or groups here.
4) i wouldn't have felt so out of place. i wouldn't have to realize that as a hum major, i hold views radically different from the other 90% of this college. i wouldn't have been told in a previous avery hum/ss meeting that 'hums are useless, so we should reduce the requirements for students to 8', that 'students don't need to know how to write papers' or that 'quantum mechanics is essential to a good education, and we should force everyone to take it whether or not they want to, even biologists. just because'. I know bloodshed's out of the question, but what i wouldn't give for a dagger or two on occasion.

i'm gonna go bask in my imagination and/or ec reading for the next couple hours, so i don't decide the daggers are a better option. not sure how long it'll take me to cool off, so recommend caution... i don't want to snap at any of my friends. or cry. and i'm not sure which would happen right now.

Quick Rant:
Dammit, it irritates me no end when people can't take any kind of government seriously. If your money's funding it, then you damn well better be paying attention to what it does. If your voice counts (and any time you have a vote, it does), then use it well, and wisely. I can't believe how puerile some of this house is when it comes to matters like this... and I'll bet that at least half the campus feels the same way as they do. If you don't care, then drop ASCIT membership and go buy your own damn donuts.

I think Nick Knouf, an alum, said it best:

People's apathy in ASCIT and the IHC and what they do will lead to nothing
but headaches and a lower standard of living for undergraduates. You all
may think that ASCIT does nothing, but without ASCIT you would not have:

1. Student reps to faculty/student committees. Don't want students on
UASH? Don't care about ASCIT and the IHC. Don't want students on
academic committees to voice your concerns about things like CS 1, Ch 3a,
and the core? Don't care about ASCIT and the IHC.

2. Funding for the hovse. You think the interhouse funding comes out of
thin air? Do you realize that each term, each house is eligible for
hundreds of dollars from ASCIT? Blacker uses this money.

3. Funding for clubs. Have any of you *looked* at the ASCIT budget
lately and seen how much goes to clubs? Have you seen how many clubs
ASCIT is able to fund? If you don't want any club funding anymore, sure,
don't care about ASCIT.

4. Student representation. ASCIT is the only thing between the
administration and the students. If you don't want any representation to
the administration, and what them to get away with whatever they want,
don't care about ASCIT.

As I'm an alum, and halfway across the country, I feel free now to say my
mind: It's about time some of you (you know who you are and who you
aren't; you, as follows, means those who say ASCIT doesn't do anything)
fucking grew up and took some pride in what your fellow students do.
When you make blanket statements like "ASCIT doesn't do anything" you
completely denigrate the *huge* amount of time and effort some of us put
into ASCIT in order to make things better for *you*. Your comments are
abrasive and entirely unappreciative. It's a wonder anybody runs for
ASCIT offices anymore when we have to listen to useless drivel from people
like you. Fucking get off your high-horse, fucking take part in the
process (or work to better parts of it), and fucking start thinking about
people other than yourself.
---
ok, back to german...

I now have the entire Two Towers soundtrack on my computer, at the expense of some country music, metal and other random clips. (A major improvement, as far as I'm concerned.... better Howard Shore than Willie Nelson ;) I didn't realize it was out until yesterday. I was coming back to my room, and heard a song from Sam's room that literally raised the hair on the back of my neck with its eerie sadness - reminded me of the keening, sobbing sound you associate with grief and despair. Of course, it was Gollum's Song - and I've now listened to it roughly 20 times since I downloaded the soundtrack late last night. It's a good thing Andrea S. isn't my roommate anymore, or she would've shot me for playing it over and over again by now. ;) It's a fantastic song - you should listen to it. The vocalist, Emiliana Torrini, is amazing... her voice really captures the sadness in Gollum's situation, with its slides, dynamics and frailty. After you get over the edge in her voice and the oddness of the melody, once the eerieness becomes more familiar, you find yourself really pitying this poor creature, wretched as he is. Interesting.

Ok, enough writing for fun. Back to work...
---
5:50 PM
Wow, that was the first time I've written poetry in months... not that it'll win anything, but it's nice to have the Totem contest to get the creative juices jump-started again. I don't know why I haven't written any poetry for so long... it's just fun to express oneself. Just like it's fun to ride or play flute, but it requires (usually) far less time.
Then again, maybe it's because I'm keeping this blog. Hm. At least I'm keeping the writing skills from rusting over..

HOORAY!! The cloak's finally finished! Thanks to Katie's help, I was able to hem the dratted thing last night... pressing the hem, then machine-sewing two seams around the bottom only took 5 hours. o.O But it sure does look cool. And it drapes and swirls quite dramatically. Altogether, I'm pretty darn pleased with how it turned out. -grins-

Can't wait to wear it around... perhaps when it's a bit cooler. Considering that I've been wearing sleeveless shirts recently, I don't think wearing 6-7 yards of wool would be wise. So how's the weather in Longview, Kat? ;)

still to do:
-2 page paper for h 97a due yesterday. (doing that now.)
-german labs (today, tues), workbook (today, tues), test due wednesday (take tues)
-read for ec, h 161, h 97a (later tonight, wed, thurs, fri)
-draft Bishop essays (tonight), ask for recommendations (tomorrow), request transcripts (mail today)
-practice flute (tonight)

I can finally say I love what I'm doing, and I'm happy about what I'm learning... but damn, it's a lot of reading. I think I went through 500 pages for the ec 130 and h 161 last week, plus 400 of the 600 pages I was trying to wade through for h 97... yikes. Well, at least I can't complain about not being able to read interesting books during term anymore. ;)
---
"...The labyrinth of her days
That her own strangeness perplexed;
And how what her dreaming gave
Earned slander, ingratitude,
From self-same dolt and knave;
Aye, and worse wrong than these.
Yet she, singing upon her road,
Half lion, half child, is at peace."
-Yeats

Another interesting quote, from a poem by Yeats. Slightly different context in the original (see www.bartleby.com/147/40.html), but this excerpt speaks strongly to how I feel about others' criticisms of my decisions in life, especially when they don't know me well. (Oddly enough, that actually happened more at home than here. I expected more flak about the history major from techers than from ordinary people... but that wasn't the case at all. Perhaps it's because my hometown's so far removed from my life, or because most of my close friends are here, and supportive of my choices. In any case, you guys are wonderful. :)

to do over the weekend (for my benefit. bold = do today):
-h 97a reading and 2 page paper. (argh. I'm being so slow on this.)
-german labs, workbook pages, test due wednesday
-begin (and hopefully finish) ec/ss 130 reading
-begin h 161 reading
-begin bishop essay and trip planning
-a little more acting in the medieval ninja future
-hem cloak (finally)

good thing it's a long weekend...

An amusing occurrence while I was reading history in a quiet corner at Starbucks... a couple of guys, engineering majors from Pomona, asked if I went to PCC. When I replied that I was from caltech, and a history major, they looked rather stunned... And then, after a little more conversation, one gave me his email and suggested that if I was having trouble with math or science, he would be willing to tutor me. When I declined, saying that I'd already been through differential equations and quantum mechanics, I got that same stunned look. I don't know whether that was because he didn't believe that I had taken those courses, or that advanced math and physics courses were required for a history major here.

But the question remains of my friends: do I look stupid?? Why the automatic assumption that I'm from PCC rather than tech? Being female and blond does NOT automatically indicate lesser intelligence. Admittably, I'm not up to par with the scientific or mathematical genuises at tech that I interact with on a daily basis, but I believe I can hold my own in at least writing and music, if not other areas.

Anyway... didn't do much today, other than reading todorov and de las casas for h 97a. Oh, and going to the stable warming at 3D Farms this afternoon with Andrea and Yussanne for a little while - that was kinda fun. We got to see the clubhouse and barn in full daylight, got to see Davee (coolest instructor ever :), saw a couple of people who used to ride at TES (and some that still do, but hope to switch eventually). Looks like Yussanne and I will be riding every Friday at 4:30 from now until who knows when, and hopefully Yussanne will get enough sleep to come ride most Fridays, 'cause it's a lot more fun when you're riding with a friend.

Anyway, I've gotta get to writing. That's all for now, and I'll post sometime in the next couple days.
---
(Stolen from the page of my riding instructor, Davee :)
THE INVITATION
Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

It doesn't matter to me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can hear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see the beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from ITS presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Another thought-provoking piece, kinda like the Bob Dylan song I had in my profile for the last 6 months. -shrugs- Something else to think about in furthering my life and pursuing new interests...

Consider me ecstatic to be riding again, and at the new stable... even though I rode the most neurotic, hyper horse in my life today. Ruby's a lovely chestnut, reminds me a lot of Tennessee... except she spooks at everything, tries to anticipate your every move and fishtails like a 2 wheel drive truck braking on ice. I was absolutely certain I was going to fall off within the first minute of being on her - Davee did warn me, but being told "just let her do her thing, she'll wander around for a minute, trot, canter, walk - just let her have her head at first" didn't sink in until I nearly bit the dust when she wheeled around at a quick trot after a brisk walk out and then hit her canter... all while my feet were still out of the stirrups. Yikes. She's amazingly responsive, but apprehensive and touchy about aids. Apparently, when 3D Farms was negotiating for her, another potential buyer rode her and beat the hell out of her - yanked her mouth around with a harsh bit, rough aids, the works. And that's why she's so mistrustful now. She tries to foresee what you'll ask for, and is afraid that you'll hurt her if she's wrong. Rough handling will set any animal back a damn long ways. Grrrrrr... I'd like to get my hands on that bastard.

Anyway. I figured I'd pretty much shown Davee and Diane my incompetence in the saddle today, when I couldn't even guide Ruby in the beginning of the lesson, much less post gracefully. I've lost so much muscle in my legs, it's not funny... my legs, shoulders and back are gonna be hurting tomorrow for sure. But Davee sent Yussanne and I an email detailing what she saw in our lesson today, and what she'll be aiming for with each of us:
---
You both did really well.

Yussanne - Moncho is a good judge of character on seat position - you
did exceptionally well on him. Next lesson, I want to work on making
your leg much more steady. Your upper body did fine, but I could see a
"brighter" upper body - shoulders more back, chest out, lighter hand
carriage.

Kirsten - you did fabulous on Ruby - she is a hand full!!! The fact
that you remained so steady and quiet while she was being a poo-head
tells me a lot. Next time I want to put you on either Swiss or Danka -
lets get you back into shape before we tackle Miss Red-Head Rubylicious
again. We gotta get your body to understand contact and hold-release -
I know your mind gets it, but your body was confused. (Hey, that's the
nature of horseback riding - getting the body to agree with the mind)

I was very pleased with both of you.
----
Davee's awesome. I feel better about the lesson, anyway. Though I don't think I looked so calm and cool-headed... I sure didn't feel that way over half the time. -shrugs- Oh well. I'm still proud that I can now keep a horse from spooking into a gallop and sending me to the ground, and stay on when a horse cuts to one side quickly. I know I couldn't have handled Ruby last year. I'm definitely still learning, but I feel that I've come a long ways from where I was when I began riding with TES last spring. And that's always a nice feeling. =^)

It seems like the past few posts have been trips down memory lane. Continuing that trend, I was searching for a quote for my away message and remembered the U2 CD I used to play all the time when I worked in the Davidson lab - "All That You Can't Leave Behind". I took another look at the lyrics... they still mean a lot, but most of them don't resonate nearly as strongly as they once did. And I don't feel like crying when I hear them. I'd say that's progress.
I also think it's funny that I still remember all the words and melodies from that CD...
Anyway, here're some of their lyrics. Enjoy, while I'm reading a bunch of material for h 97a. I'll post something more substantial later...

(This one still resonates strongly, especially when talking with friends with different and/or better perspectives on life. applies more to some friends than to others)
When I Look at the World
When you look at the world
What is it that you see
People find all kinds of things
That bring them to their knees

I see an expression
So clear and so true
That it changes the atmosphere
When you walk (in)to the room

So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you it's no use
I can't see what you see
When I look at the world

When the night is someone else's
And you're trying to get some sleep
When your thoughts are too expensive
To ever want to keep

When there's all kinds of chaos
And everyone is walking lame
You don't even blink now do you
Or even look away

So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you it's no use
I can't see what you see
When I look at the world

I can't wait any longer
I can't wait 'til I'm stronger
Can't wait any longer
To see what you see
When I look at the world

I'm in the waiting room
I can't see for the smoke
I think of you and your holy book
When the rest of us choke

Tell me, tell me
What do you see
Tell me, tell me
What's wrong with me

(I just loved this one. Dunno why... maybe it was the emphasis on finding the beauty in life even when the day/week/month's been terrible.)
Beautiful Day
The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now

Was a beautiful day

(This one helped a lot last year... I kept telling myself the core verses of the song when things got bad, especially the last two lines. And with help from friends, it worked.)
Stuck in a Moment
I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Course Update: It's funny. I remember German last year being extremely nerve-wracking... I always felt inadequate, mainly because I could never get everything right. But I realized today in class that the conversations in German aren't meant to belittle anyone. They allow us to try on our own what we've learned, and if we can't quite get it right, the other members of the class can attempt to help us. If you can't get one part, it's likely that someone else will understand. It's similar to the way problem sets worked in core classes - getting the students to help out each other.

I can't believe I didn't realize this until now. Like many other things, I guess it took a complete attitude shift to be able to perceive the class setup differently. -shrugs- Well, I guess that's my revelation of the day. Back to ec and history reading!

In the interest of immortalizing a few choice quotes:
"Just because you sleep with someone does not make them a member of the house!"
-me, to Sandy, about Patrick... her stuffed dog.

"I don't have sheets on my bed... so can I sleep in yours?"
-Tina Hsu (after I mentioned that I should get around to putting sheets on my bed sometime soon)

Ever on the search for amusing or interesting identifications, I stumbled across the 'enneagram' test:

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type:
Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental
(The Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic Personality Disorders)

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

Profile Summary for the Enneagram Type Four:
Healthy: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate. / Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong. At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Average: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination. / To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings. / Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function. / Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them. / Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely.

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".
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It's funny 'cause it's almost entirely true... at least I'm finding it easier to live with myself nowadays. After all, having fun and enjoying oneself certainly beats sitting around contemplating one's feelings... and you definitely get more accomplished.

Spent the day studying German at the Huntington... I recommend the benches in the Camellia Garden. Lovely view, plus it's shady and cool. Walked around a bit through the Japanese garden, then through the rose and herb gardens. Called my parents, read some ec.

And came back to tech to find that I haven't lost a friend. Failure in communication and incorrect assumptions can really undermine a good friendship... I'm just glad that it's been resolved. Wish I'd been more open about what I felt earlier on, but I guess that's another lesson learned the hard way. At least this one didn't cost a friendship as well, and I'm grateful to him for that.

And now that that's resolved, I think I'm the happiest I've ever been here. Classes are great and interesting, I'm not worried about emotional matters, and I feel like it's not too easy, but that I can excel. This is how I imagined things would be in college... challenging, but doable, and worth the effort. Took a while, but hey, I suppose it's better late than never. And I've learned so much on the way that I never would have known otherwise... I suppose the rough times are worth the wisdom.

I think I'll close with that. Take care, and I'll see you guys around.
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"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."
- Aristotle
--
"I am for frank explanations with friends in cases of affronts. They sometimes save a perishing friendship or place it on a firmer basis than before. But secret discontent must always end badly... The highest compact we can make with our fellow is: Let there be truth between us two forevermore."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

H 161 last night: I don't believe it. I love *all* of my classes? Brewer's awesome, and it looks like this'll be an interesting and thought-provoking class. Hooray!

To recap: I'll be taking all classes on grades: L130b, H 161, Ec/SS 130, with the exception of H 97a (junior tutorial), which is automatically p/f. I'm also takig core 1b and orchestra, and maybe yoga. That's a grand total of 45 units. :)
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Warning: Emotional post to follow. If you don't want to hear about it, don't keep reading. I'll return to normal 'I love my life' posts later this weekend, but I needed to unload these thoughts so they quit chasing each other around my mind. Feedback from friends is always welcome and appreciated.

I don't understand myself sometimes. More and more, I find myself wanting to lash out at an absolutely wonderful friend for things far, far less terrible than what other people have done to me in the past year. And when I think about it, the only reason I can come up with for this reaction is that I'm trying to drive him away, to keep that safe distance. I've finally found happiness in myself. I don't want my wings clipped and a hood thrown over my eyes just as I've learned how great it is to fly again... not now. Maybe not for a long time. I've been on an individualist kick for quite some time now, and I don't see an end to it in sight. I'm having far too much fun on my own, pursuing my own dreams and desires for a change, and trying to imagine what my future will bring. I'm more confident, more willing to speak up in class, more enthusiastic about my classes. After feeling this kind of freedom again, why would I want to give it up? I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to have to care about someone else's life, future and feelings. I don't want to worry about spending time with someone else (my close friends are great, and I love being around them, but anything beyond that is out of the question). And I guess the core of it is that I don't want anyone to get close enough to really hurt me again, no matter how wonderful that person is or seems to be. I've had enough of just silently taking abuse and crap and neglect and pain until I break down under the load like last year. Never again. I've finally healed enough that I don't feel physically sick when I think of last year anymore. I just feel hopping mad at the perpetrator(s), and especially at myself, for not doing something to fix my life instead of just accepting it and trying to keep going. Life's not long enough to squander time and energy in suffering, and I don't care what kind of reward you'll get in any religion's afterlife - it's just not worth waking up and wishing you had died in your sleep the night before, believing that life isn't worth living anymore, believing that you aren't worth anything at all. It's odd to think that only a year ago, I felt that way all the time. It's difficult to believe that it was nearly a year ago that I broke down under emotional and academic pressure, and then had the floor drop out from under my feet two days later. I've come a long way since then, but the gut reaction hasn't changed - no matter how many times I convince myself that any other relationship couldn't end so badly, that inner voice screams that I'm wrong - it will be just as terrible, and I'll lose everything I've found, all over again. -shrugs- It seems that you can't rush emotional healing, any more than you can speed the healing of a flesh wound, or the knitting of a broken bone. Someday I'll realize that inner voice is no longer there, that I'm not afraid of any of this anymore. It will happen. It just hasn't yet, and I can't predict when it'll come. One of my friends once said that healing takes roughly the same amount of time as the relationship lasted... with complications, I'd say it takes longer. I guess we'll see.

And to all my awesome friends - I couldn't have come this far without you. I may not say much about this to you, but you guys mean the world to me. I think Spider Robinson sums it up best in Callahan's Place:
"You know what gives me the courage to keep on living? The courage to love myself a little? It's having a whole bunch of friends who really give a goddamn." Thanks a bunch for caring, and I'm here anytime to return the favor.

Aight, that's enough writing. Time for 'real' work...

Ec/SS 130 got interesting today! Hoffman discussed more ec. math, then delved into risks of trade... we certainly take a lot of things for granted today. Instantaneous communication, fast and reliable transportation, monetary systems... it's amazing what you don't think about. I imagine it'll only get better when he launches into discussing the fall of the roman empire and the manorial economy on tuesday. :)

Also, German got a lot harder. Mainly because I don't remember the accusative cases and we added the dative cases last period. ARGH. I felt somewhat stupid for that, especially since she opened with a quiz... at least it wasn't graded, but falling on my face in front of the class isn't a joyful experience. But at least everyone else seemed just about as confused, so all's well. :) Also, it's cool, 'cause Rob Bailey's also taking the class. Yaay for having another mole in there - I thought I'd be the only one this year.

I also met with Deverell to discuss the junior tutorial with him. Amusingly enough, he didn't know what the requirements were either - and of course, the catalog is worthless on this point. So I'll be doing a week of reading, then writing 2 pages of reaction/opinion to what I've read. I'm thinking of writing on first contact between the old and new worlds, and focusing on the misunderstandings between the two cultures that caused conflicts. I also have an impressive stack of books to plow through by next thursday... that's NOT considering reading assignments for ec/ss 130 or h 161, which I'll have from 7-10 tonight. Well, I did expect this... better reading than problem sets, in any case! :)

But with all this reading, it's unlikely that I'll be going on the mens' trip this year. I'd been kinda waffling on going for a while, as I'm still getting well from the last round with illness from the holidays, and sleeping outside in freezing weather prolly wouldn't help. But I'll miss hiking around the rocky hills with friends, watching the guys do really, really, really stupid things (and hoping they don't blow off their hand... and wondering how far the nearest hospital is), sitting around the fire telling stories or just watching the flames rise with the wind, and seeing thousands more stars scattered across the sky than you do here. -sigh- I do like camping, but I've got a lot on my plate this weekend. Guess I'll just have to go camping another time. But Tina's suggested that we go to the Santa Monica playground for grownups instead (!?!) so I'll prolly do that. And maybe check out a German movie for Saturday night. Y'know, so I don't feel so fun-deprived.

Oh yeah... and I'll definitely call my parents this weekend. Maybe even Friday morning, actually, since Kat's going to All-Area tryouts on Friday, and auditioning Saturday. Good luck, kiddo - you can do it! :)

I think that's about it... wait, wait, one more. I've earned a new nickname. Katie was nice enough to pin up the hem of my full-circle cloak yesterday afternoon in the lounge (it's really cool! and you should come see it. it turned out amazingly well :). While she was pinning, Grace came by, and we talked about various topics, including womens' heights (apparently, at 5'8'', I'm a good 3'' above average. funny, that - I've never thought of myself as particularly tall). Anyway, during dinner, Jesse Liptrap passed me on the way to the kitchen and called me "Kirsten the Elf". Curious, I asked him why I was an elf. His reasoning? "You were in a green cloak, standing under a tree... we've established that you're tall... and you're blonde. Thus, you're an elf. And Kirstendriel has a nice ring to it." -grins- I can't say I'm displeased by this... it sure would be fun to be a LOTR elf. No worries about grad school, or not having enough time to pursue music, or riding, or history... and learning the art of warfare. I may subscribe to peaceful conflict resolution in modern times, but I can't help but want to learn medieval combat techniques... it seems like jousting, swordfighting and archery would be fun pursuits, no? ;) -sigh- Ah well. Only in dreams.

Ok, I think that's all for this update. Later, all, and see you around.

It's funny. I can't remember being this happy about college for a long time - I'm finally pursuing something in which I'm not just mediocre. I feel like I can excel in German, do well in junior tutorial and h 161, and at least hold my own in ec/ss 130. But I'm still occasionally beset by that dratted feeling of inadequacy... like I've failed to live up to someone's expectations. And in a way, I have - I failed to live up to *my* expectations. I fully expected to go on to a career in research in physics, then biology, and reality is still sinking in - I'm just not suited for that career path. And it's kinda bizarre, because right now, I'm stuck here without a set idea of where I'm going. And that scares me. I've always had some idea of where I was going, but I'm almost afraid to make any plans for what's going to happen after I graduate, for fear that I'll bomb out of history as well. I know that's silly, because I honestly enjoy medieval history, but the fear is there. -shrugs- I guess it'll pass with time. Perhaps I'm just still getting used to the idea of being a history major, and shifting my sights from biology grad school to archaeology or anthropology grad schools. In any case, we'll see.
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update: 2 PM
I can't believe it. For the first time in ages, I feel competent in a class here. Competent as in able to figure something out given a little time in class, when others are still struggling. Deutsch, ich liebe dich! :) It's so nice to be feel smart for a change... and it's amazing how much easier a class can be when you're not having to deal with emotional and academic crises on the side. I remember feeling like I was struggling all the time with German last year, and never feeling like I was on par with the rest of the class - always feeling behind and stressed, because I rarely had the time to devote to really learning the language. But this... this is wonderful. I'm rested, I know the material (though I need to review cases and vocabulary), and I can actually do this with a little repetition. AND the teacher praises me. :) I don't know why, but I work better when I feel like the professor acknowledges the work I've put in, and appreciates the progress I'm making. In any case, I'm happy. :)

The update on classes:

H/SES 167: I thought experiments in history meant social experiments in history, not scientific. I didn't drop the bio major just so I could take a 16-18th c. physics course. I've never made the decision to drop a class so quickly in my life...

And I'm down to a manageable 43 units. yaay. :) Though I'll probably add another 3 unit class, like yoga or another pe, so I have a 9 unit buffer zone between me and the underload cutoff. Just in case one of my class turns out to be a real bore. I got stuck with ancient medicine last term because of that, and I've no desire to repeat the situation. But life's looking up. :)

Might as well post in these few free minutes:

German: Went very well, considering. Frau Washburn actually remembered me :) and asked if I thought I could catch up... I think so. As I plan to continue German over the next two years, I'd better. ;) In any case, the other three people were about on par with me. Only one had taken German last term, and the others had either taken German two years ago or in high school. I think I managed to allay Frau Washburn's fears, though, as my pronunciation was amazingly good (so I thought) AND I remembered a LOT more than I thought I would. Looks like it'll be a good term in German. :)

Ec/SS 130: YIKES. 35 people, and the prof decides to begin by scaring people off. The math in the first lecture doesn't bode well... but he did say that the first two lectures would just be the basic tools for the rest of the course. Well, as long as I never have to derive them and use them on my own, I'll be just fine. Could be an interesting class, but I'll probably end up p/fing it.
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more to come after my next class, SES/H 167.

Ok, ok, I've been a really lazy writer recently, mainly because I've only seen my computer for 5 minutes (or less!) every day for the past week. I've been in pasadena, with my laptop hooked up to the internet, but I've been staying with my family in their hotel room (easier to get up and go do fun stuff, y'know :). Hence, the journal has suffered. And will suffer for the next several days, since I've got oodles of german to catch up on for the next term. And a hovselist to post. And doortags to work on (yes, I know they're long, long overdue, and you're welcome to take my doortag in exchange until you get yours... but you'll have to fight Merc for it.)

But here's a quick update of what's happening, in no real logical order:
-spent lots of time with Red in longview
-got sick in longview, and got worse out here. damn smog does it every time.
-went to the getty with family. it's pretty cool, but I prefer the huntington.
-saw the new stable (3D Farms) - Yussanne, I did try to call you. And I'll go with you to see it again tomorrow, I promise! :)
-got some stuff on my truck fixed
-worked with kat on her audition music for all-area tryouts on the 11th. I finally understand how my lesson teachers felt when I didn't practice...
-got my course books. For once, I have *exactly* the schedule of classes that I wanted. *and* I have no classes before 10. Hooray!
-missed the plane back here with my family on the 30th (really, really bad weather on the way - rain pouring down in sheets with gale-force winds... y'know, tornado weather), and wonder of wonders, managed to get in on standby on BOTH the flight from DFW to Phoenix AND a connecting flight into Burbank. Miracles do happen. :) Now, if my family makes their flight back to DFW, that will be another miracle... ;)

Finally, here's the course schedule (Mom, this is for you):
L 130b (10) Elementary German MWF 1-2
Ec/SS 130 (9) Ec. Hist. of Europe TTh 10-11:30
SES/H 167 (9) Experiments in History T 2-3, Th 2-4 **
H 161 (9) 'What is History?' Th 7-10
H 97 (9) Junior Tutorial w/Deverell ???
PA 32b (3) Orchestra T 7-10:30
core 1b (3) Blech whenever.

That's a lovely 52 units there. If I have to pull the rip cord, first to go will be the SES/H 167, as the 161 class sounds really interesting. The classes I'm definitely hanging onto are the tutorial, german, and ec/ss 130, since they all satisfy requirements. Funny as it sounds, those other history classes don't count for anything but random institute credit. -shrugs- Also note that I have NO CLASSES on fridays (yet). And just one on Mondays and Wednesdays :), though I'll probably end up going to the yoga class those days... the holidays hit me hard, between getting sick and all that holiday food. Gah. Must... exercise...

Other stuff to do (for my benefit):
Review Ch 2-5 of Deutsch Heute text
Apply to those field schools and secure place for summer '03
Write Bishop essays, proposal
Schedule junior tutorial, flute and riding lessons
Pick up film from Rite Aid

That's it for now. Come by the room and say hi, won't you?

OH WAIT! Forgot those New Year's Resolutions.
1. Get out and about more often. Quit being a hermit. Experience life firsthand instead of living vicariously.
2. Start *everything* earlier. Papers, reading, sets, you name it. Since I should be in classes that I like, there's no reason to procrastinate.
3. Go to yoga and bike around town more often.
4. Relax more. Worry less. Let go.
5. Practice more flute. Do justice to the Mozart Concerto in G. Try out for concerto competition again next November.
6. Learn more in riding, and begin jumping and/or dressage work.

Ok, I've gotta start that German reviewing. Take care, and see you guys later!
(Love to Mom, Dad, Kat, and Red)