Wow. Today was actually pretty darn good. And here I expected the sky to fall again.

-leisurely sleep-in
-got through most of one travel book preparing for the bishop essay
-had a *great* riding lesson, even though I didn't get to jump today. Oy, but my legs and arms are sore. I hung on the four times that Gambit (the pony) ducked his head and bucked a bit in canter, not to mention the time that he went absolutely berserk - a FedEx truck started up in the background... scared him half to death and he bucked, flipped and took off. I almost didn't stay on that time, but managed to stick to him, throw my leg back over and gain control. Yaay me. :) Davee seemed pretty impressed by the 'death-defying moves' on the last panicked bolt, as did the girl who usually follows her around (also rides a lot, probably much better at riding and only 13 or 14. even she remarked on what a good save it was :). Davee was also kinda surprised that I still wanted to try to canter him over the pole. She asked if I was ok, and said I could stop there if I wanted to, but I wanted to try it again at a canter (what I was doing before the fedex truck). And I did. No problems at all this time, either. There's a lot to be said for confidence in yourself... she was explaining afterwards that generally, if a rider thinks they'll fall off, they will - it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. But to stay on, regain control, and keep going really takes determination and grit - it's not the easy way out, but you learn so much more (in ANY area) when you push yourself. And you learn how to work with the horse - what's bothering him about the course, why he reacts the way he does, and how to school him to respond correctly to what you're asking for. Davee's protege even thanked me for schooling Gambit over the pole, "because if you hadn't, Davee would have made ME do it." -grins-
Oddly enough, according to Davee, a bunch of other people wouldn't have kept at it after dealing with Gambit's panics... admittably, I was a little apprehensive now and then, but when a horse bolts, there's no time to worry about whether or not you'll get hurt. You just DO, and try to react as quickly as possible. And when it's over, you calm the horse, and you take the course again, because that's what you were trying to accomplish in the first place. And it's odd, because I know that this could really injure me... all it would take is one time being a little off-balance or slow to respond, one bad fall, and I'll end up with a sprained/broken limb or worse. Yet most of the time, it doesn't scare me at all. Perhaps it's because I feel it's worth the risk. Or I have enough faith in Davee's faith in my ability to believe in myself... hm. It bears thinking about.

New motto: "As long as I'm breathing, I'm ok" (the response to Davee's question). And I am. I've just got to keep that in mind when dealing with problems in life aside from horses. ;)

-begin philosophical section-
All in all, today was a damn sight better than a year ago, when my trust in love was shattered and I slipped into the worst depression of my life. Since then, I've put my life back together, and I'd say it's even better than before. I lost my old dreams and gained new ones when I changed majors. I've discovered that I really enjoy history full-time, enough to maybe make a career out of it. I've got my real friends (the ones who really, honestly cared, the ones who were always there and willing to listen). I've regained confidence in myself and my abilities, and -the hardest thing of all- I'm learning to trust, to reach out with my emotions again. And I know so, so much more about myself... and I find myself wondering if I would've learned so much, had I not gone through this trial by fire. Would I have switched completely to history, if last year had not been so awful that it convinced me I could not live with being mediocre and unhappy in biology? Had happiness not seemed so precious, perhaps I would still be a biology major, slogging it out in another lab and wondering if there was something better out there. I can only wonder. And yet, for all the pain, I believe that I am the better off for the difficulties I experienced. So, in closing, here's to you, Adam. It took a damn long time, but I can finally forgive you for deciding to let go right when I needed you the most. Going through several kinds of hell forced me to toughen up and deal with the shit that life sometimes deals out by changing attitudes, majors, and friends, and that just might be the most valuable lesson I've ever learned. Besides that, I refuse to let that eat away at me any longer - holding onto that anger does nothing but undermine my confidence and divert my mind from more important pursuits, and I don't need another voice in my head telling me what I couldn't do. I only hope that I never have to repeat that experience.

I feel better. I think that means it's time to go sleep. Night all.