Summary of the past few days (or, Kirsten rails against the world):

-lots of people got sick, including Sam, Mick, Toomey and a lot of moles. And me. :(

-Brown granted a blanket extension because of this. Yaay Prof Brown :)

-Though I really missed it, I didn't ride today because my stomach was rebelling. Stupid illness. And on top of that, stupid being female. Why couldn't I have been male? Some days, I think it's just not fair... the headaches, the mood swings, the pain - every single damned month. I remember Niffer reading aloud from a Cosmo: "Women should use their sacred 'moon-time' for celebration of womanhood and reflection." Sounds like a load of ultra-feminist airy-fairy bullshit to me... you can't sugarcoat the fact that most women experience severe pain and other side effects for several days to a week every month by telling them to 'celebrate it'. Celebration and contemplation? Please. When you take this into account, is it any wonder women act bitchy at times? -sigh- Guys aren't missing out on ANYTHING. I admit it, I'm damn jealous.

-skipped anthro class this week, first because of the h 161 E, then because of german preparation. I'm getting to the point that I can't stand the prof's lecture style. It irritates me no end. After ancient medicine, I have a very low tolerance for people who can't just spit out what they want to get across. Quit hemming and hawing and um-ming, and dammit, organize your notes. We come to class to LEARN, not to watch you get your act together while you teach. We don't have to take your class - we *chose* to do so. Please reward us for caring to learn about your subject with coherent, logically-organized lectures.

-I feel like I'm falling behind in German - haven't done any of the listening labs yet, and there's an exam out this weekend due monday. Crap, where does the time go? I feel like I'm reading so much, yet I'm ALWAYS behind - I still have another 300 pages or so of anthro reading to finish, and that's just from last week. There's MORE this week. And my history classes. It's like I'm trying to walk on a treadmill that keeps accelerating - I trip and everything goes to hell. Or an even better analogy from another techer's site: "Caltech is like being tethered to a trotting horse. It's not so bad when you keep jogging, but the second you stumble it all goes to hell. Once you're down, it's difficult to get up again." It's so true, it's awful. Even for a history major.

-Something positive, finally - people keep telling me I'm great at flute. Fine and good. But why is it that one girl in the oxy composition class simply has to tell me (after I'd only sight-read her piece!) that the last time her piece was performed, 'a REAL professional flutist came and played it, and he didn't have to breathe at all during the ties. HE was the most musical flutist she's ever heard" etc. I don't understand people like this. And I don't understand why listening to her prattle on about how fantastic his performance of her piece was bothers me. It wouldn't usually bother me. But it did. Especially when she snickered in rehearsal when I couldn't make the breath. Goddammit, I'm sick, tired, and I'm not even getting paid for playing your modern, dissonant music that offends my ears and sense of tuning. I'm using my free time, when I SHOULD be sleeping off this bug, to be performing your pieces. I'm sorry, did I miss something? Is there some reason I should feel *honored* for the chance to play your music? Why are you trying to compare me to a flute major at Cal State Northridge? I only do the best I can, as a history major/washed-up failure of a bio major at caltech, and I'm not even majoring in music. Yes, I'm offended by your thoughtless words and actions. Go take a flying leap, and there's no way in hell I'll ever perform for you again after this kind of treatment.

Though Dana made me feel better... she pointed out that I definitely could have been a flute major. It's nice to know that someone good enough to be a freelance oboist *and* who performs in the Santa Monica Symphony thinks this... she's awesome. I wish I could play with her more often - she's so nice, and a supercool oboist.

I just feel so worthless sometimes. I do my best, even when I'm sick and feeling terrible, and I like being recognized and appreciated for that. Is that so much to ask? I'm only human. I can only give so much...
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Yikes. Rereading parts of this, it sounds like I'm a real bitch. It's just so much easier to vent in writing, and it's a lot better/healthier to write these things down than to lash out at someone because of all this pent-up irritation. It's not fair to someone else to unleash your anger at them for some petty thing, when it's probably not their fault. And anger isn't my usual reaction. But it is this time, prolly because of the sickness/headache double whammy. I just feel so impotent against this - there's nothing I can do except take a few Advil, drink some fluids and get lots of sleep - and that adds to the problem.

-sigh- guess it's time to get some sleep. night all, and stay well.