Impressions of Notre Dame?

Pros:
absolutely gorgeous campus.
great program, very solid academic grounding and training in historical discipline.
tons of money to throw around - can fund trips to Europe, conferences, you name it.
excellent library and reference resources; even the librarians are medievalists by training.
at least one super-nice prof - I really liked Olivia Remie Constable.

Cons:
the campus is religious to the point of denying some things I've taken for granted as civil liberties (for instance, doesn't acknowledge the GLBT support group as an official club, no structure for women's support). grad students claim GS life isn't so bad, but they're not far from it. Many are married with kids (at 24!?!), and look down on the 'wild singles' in the history dept... but those history GS aren't at all wild! They're *normal* by my standards!

culture very much like E TX - very conservative and religious, super sports culture (esp football).

very, very few freethinkers with varied interests. no grad students I spoke with claim to do ANYTHING besides work (may go to Chicago, a 4 hour round trip, once every 8-12 weeks).

program seems to be very stressful, discourages language training to fluency. grad school's like that to some degree, but this seemed over the top. Severe attrition rate from older classes, better in recent years.

Teaching experience doesn't seem very in-depth, either. TA positions often just grading, possibly leading discussion sessions (rare); also TA-ships required during really difficult time of exams for MMS (2nd year) and PhD candidacy exams (3rd year). No seminars or provisions for learning methods of teaching, preparing classes, etc.

Their orchestra is terrible. :( :( :(
--------------
Summary:
Hate to say it, but I'm not thrilled about this option. I think I've spent too much time in California and at Tech - being among brilliant freethinkers of all denominations has really caused me to mature in multiple ways. Had I gone straight from LHS to ND, maybe this would've been palatable: the religious references wherever you look, the lovely basilica oncampus, the strict hierarchies within the program and college, the more stringent regulations on behavior and visiting hours between the UG single-sex halls, the football and binge-drinking culture.

More importantly, so many GS said that this was what GS life was like everywhere else. No outside interests, work 24/7 on it, this is it. You go where you find a job, and you damn well enjoy it, and that's it. End of story.

I don't think I can live in that kind of tunnel. More and more I wonder if academia is where I should be. I believe more in education of others, dissemination of information, and the encouragement of freethinking than in glorified research. Do I like research? Sure. But I have multiple other interests outside of that. Why must I give those up?

And the final question: Should I really go to grad school next year, or try a job for a year or so to get a better picture of what I really want? I just feel so lost right now.

Gearing up for the trip to ND over this weekend. Have spent most of the morning looking at different student organization sites, and found that not only does ND have a symphony orchestra, but they also have this.
Yes, that's right. ND has an equestrian club. :)
Also, the 'Not-so-Royal Shakespeare Company' . They even have a Texas Club! (No, I'll probably pass on that one, but it's funny nonetheless).

Hello, home.

Not much happening here, as usual. I went to church this morning to please Dad - though the more I go, the less I feel like I fit in there. Yet I don't think California made an agnostic out of me. That happened many years ago. I just didn't express my opinions till I hit Caltech.

Whenever I come home, I go to church because my dad wants me to go. The service brings him great comfort; I've wished sometimes that it did the same for me. Today was worse than usual. It's Lent, so the service focuses on begging God for mercy for our personal sins, 'things done and left undone'. I admit, I'm not perfect, and I may be proud, but I don't feel that constant personal denigration is in order when the only 'sins' committed were the occasional mean thought, and I've already chastised myself for them.

However, I think another piece of the puzzle that is me fell into place today. I've never, ever seen myself as good enough - my friends can attest to that, and I've made a few bad choices in life because I didn't place enough value on myself and my feelings. Only within the past year or two have I become more confident, and seen myself as someone who deserves love, good and equal treatment, respect, etc. Today, I felt more strongly than ever that perhaps this feeling of unworthiness stems from the constant stream of religious sentiments I grew up hearing: "You will never be good enough for God's grace, which is freely given to you; you are nothing compared to Him. Give up and bow down. Relinquish control to One greater and more powerful than you could ever be. Don't think; just follow these rules and you'll be happy. He does this because He loves you."

Maybe I'm too proud and haughty, but I can't. Do I respect the historical figure of Jesus and his teachings? Absolutely. How could I not respect someone who stood up for his fellow man, and preached love and tolerance? I can't think of any actions more honorable and upright.

The interpretations filtered from his actions over two thousand years of organized religion are what scares me. The part that I refuse to condone is the constant self-mortification. It weighs more heavily on me in this area, because I'm female - in the eyes of more fundamental preachers and churchgoers, I am and will always be less than any male counterpart. End of question. I may be smarter, even a better person, but I'm less than a person, simply because of my gender. I should submit to men, because I'm clearly not as wise - after all, Eve was the author of original sin, and thus all women are sinful and need a man's guidance and control. I shouldn't think, only meekly follow, because those actions are suitable to women. No exceptions.

[Aside: Never mind that NOT ONE PREACHER I've EVER heard has noted that the Bible was written ENTIRELY by men. It's a decent guideline for the history of the church, as it were; but any good historian knows perfectly well that there's a bias in every history, even those written without agendas. The tents of the church and the books within the Bible were selected from hundreds of accounts of Jesus's teachings and actions by male clergymen at the Council of Nicea. All other accounts and interpretations deviating from said interpretation since that point have been classed as heresy. I refuse to believe that the texts in the Bible tell the whole story... and they even contradict each other at times! ]

Sorry, but I can't swallow that. I'm afraid the same feeling applies to those who think any agnostic or atheist is automatically less generous, considerate and kind to the people around them, simply because they aren't Christian. I follow my moral compass to the best of my ability. I feel pain if I harm someone else, however unwittingly. I do my darndest to forgive those who 'sin' against me. I don't cheat or steal; in most situations (and certainly in all important ones) I would not dream of lying. I'm a good and dutiful daughter, and I try my best to be a good sister. Sam may disagree, but I try to be a loving, attentive girlfriend. And I certainly try my hardest to be there for my friends whenever they need me, as I would be there for them. I try to live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. And I think I succeed, more or less. I fail sometimes, but I realize that I'm human; I take heart from my successes, I struggle against my shortcomings as best I can, and in the end, I make the most I can of my life and talents.

Aside from the question of belief, how am I any different from any believer? The only difference I see is that I take inspiration for my life from the realities and people within it, rather than from belief in a deity. I'm not saying that believing is bad or wrong; it's a terrific thing for many people, and I know and love many who are devout believers in Christ's salvation (Yussanne, Andrea, Mike W and D... I'm grateful to have known such truly wonderful people). All I'm saying is that it's not for me, or for many others, and these people can be just as nice and wonderful (for instance, Sam). I believe the basic message is good, but I don't believe Christianity is right on everything it preaches, and I don't believe people should be constrained to follow a religion that they don't wholeheartedly believe. I also feel that being an agnostic should not automatically exclude me from being a good person, or from striving to be the best I can be.

In the end, all I ask for is toleration and understanding; open hearts and minds; empathy with your fellow man. Make the world a better, happier place, however you can.

'Carpe diem, lads. Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.'
-DPS

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Something interesting, from Arthi's profile: http://www.heatherfirth.com/

A unique spin on art in/or nature.

Two more job ideas from Sangeeta, so I don't forget:
1) dog walking/sitting
2) ushing at Disney concert hall

Lay down your sweet and weary head
Night is falling, you have come to journey's end.
Sleep now, and dream of the ones who came before.
They are calling from across the distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away,
safe in my arms you're only sleeping.

What can you see on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea a pale moon rises --
The ships have come to carry you home.

Dawn will turn to silver glass
A light on the water; All souls pass.

Hope fades into the world of night
through shadows falling out of memory and time.
Don't say, "We have come now to the end."
White shores are calling; you and I will meet again.

And you'll be here in my arms, just sleeping.

What can can you see on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea a pale moon rises --
The ships have come to carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water; grey ships pass
Into the west.

Talked to Sangeeta today; came to grips with some things that have really bothered me lately. It's going to take more time before I can really deal with them, but talking them out with someone who's really got her feet on the ground and has a lot of experience dealing with unpleasant things in life is extraordinarily helpful.

I'm grateful to have people like her and Yussanne in my life - I'd probably be a lot less wise were it not for them.

I admit, I often think of caltech as a more sane place than the real world. There are so many people here who are concerned with kindness and respect for their fellow man, despite differences of religion or political opinions.

This, then, comes as quite a shock. I'm quite dismayed by this, and I can only imagine what kind of nasty publicity the institute will get as a result. Never mind that this guy completely disregarded what the institute stands for *and* the Honor Code - whatever happened to "No member of the Caltech community shall take advantage of any other member"? As a result of his actions, it's quite likely that the communities around us will not trust us as much.

What kind of person could think that violent acts are the way to convince people that they're wrong? Doesn't he know that no one listens if you fail to present your views on calm, noncombative terms? Violence and idiocy just riles everyone else and makes them less likely to listen. -sigh-

And I think to myself: What a wonderful world.
-------------------------------------------------------------
FBI Arrests Student In SUV Vandalism Case

Pasadena Man Held For Damage To 125 Vehicles

Mar 9, 2004 1:26 pm US/Pacific
LOS ANGELES (CBS) A California Institute of Technology graduate student was arrested Tuesday in connection with last summer's vandalism of 125 sport utility vehicles and fires set at a San Gabriel Valley auto dealership in apparent support of the Earth Liberation Front, the FBI said.

William Cottrell, 23, of Pasadena was arrested for investigation of arson and vandalism. He was scheduled to be arraigned in federal court later in the day. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 20 years in federal prison for each act.

Cottrell, a graduate student in the physics department at Caltech, allegedly used an alias when he contacted the Los Angeles Times by e-mail and informed the newspaper he was involved in the SUV firebombings, the FBI said in an affidavit.

In messages sent to the newspaper, Cottrell also confirmed that he was affiliated with the Earth Liberation Front, a radical group of environmentalists that has claimed responsibility for other acts of arson and vandalism, the affidavit said.

In one e-mail, Cottrell using the name Tony Marsden, allegedly wrote "I was amongst those responsible for the SUV attacks ... The FBI hasn't seemed to pick up on any of them (clues), which makes this whole ordeal rather boring for us, the true culprits," according to the affidavit.

Cottrell offered specific details of the attacks to the newspaper to prove his involvement, the FBI said.

Cottrell was interviewed by authorities in January and denied being an ELF member or contacting the Times, the affidavit said.

Authorities searched Caltech classrooms and were able to track the e-mails to Cottrell, according to an affidavit. They also seized six computers from the campus.

The August spree hit car dealerships in West Covina, Duarte and Arcadia, as well as at least four privately owned vehicles in Monrovia. The communities are all just east of Pasadena, where Caltech is located and Cottrell was arrested at a residence. The fire set at the West Covina dealership destroyed or damaged 72 vehicles, mostly SUVs, and a parts warehouse.

"Those who set fires, like those at the Hummer dealership in West Covina, are misguided zealots," FBI Assistant Director Richard Garcia said in a statement. "The FBI respects, encourages and protects people who peacefully exercise their right to free speech.

"However, when extremists resort to arson attacks, which inevitably will lead to a loss of life, they have gone too far and the FBI will investigate aggressively and relentlessly to bring those who set such fires to justice."

Authorities initially arrested Josh Connole, 25, of Pomona but he was later released because of lack of evidence. He has denied any involvement in the attacks and denounced the ELF actions since his release.

The FBI affidavit stated that Cottrell's 23-year-old girlfriend also was interviewed and told authorities that Cottrell admitted he was responsible for the vandalism but she believed he was joking about it. When pressed further, she said one of the men seen in a surveillance videotape at one of the dealerships looked like Cottrell.

The Nutshell Version, because I'm tired:

-Good concerts over the weekend. Talked with Craig some before the Caltech concert, about orchestra and UCLA. I think I'm going to stick it out in orchestra for another term... as soon as I decided not to take orchestra, I had pangs of regret. Drat me for being a complete pushover. Add to that chamber music, glee club, that Mozart concerto Don wants me to play 1st weekend of third term... yikes. I might as well be a music major.

-Still undecided on grad programs, need to do some number-crunching and other comparisons. Going to ND over Mar 25-29, so at least I get to see it firsthand before I decide. Damn CA for the budget crisis, I wanted to go to UCLA so bad I could taste it. Still considering it, though the parents aren't so happy about that. :/ I guess I can't blame them. It's a considerable amount more... but it's also almost certainly just for one year, since after 1st year there are dept fellowships, TA-ships, you name it. It'd just be a matter of hanging on for the first year, possibly through a job - not an optimal situation, but it's workable. Need to sit down with Geary and have a talk about possibilities for funding for 2nd year and up.

-still not sure what to do about finding a summer job. Have looked at monster job listings, considering applying to Trader Joe's, other groceries, Borders, Peets, tutoring centers in area. Who knows how long I'll end up working... need to figure out the grad school thing. But who knows how long that'll take?

-A few things are looking hopeless, but there have to be more solutions out there. I refuse to roll over and give up. I used to be much more tenacious, before I had it beaten out of me by tech and relationship #1. Still mostly optimistic, just need to think happy thoughts and not get myself down over little things. Need to be more creative.

-speaking of creativity - spent some quality time with the flute and Mozart today (1.5 hours). Amazing how fast the time flies... it's not quite what it was at the end of summer, but it's within reach. Well, the first two movements are, once I get some more practicing in, esp with the intervals and quick passages. Still not sure about the third, even though Don's itching for me to play it too. I'd rather play 1 and 2 well than the whole thing with an awful 3rd movement. Mozart deserves better.

-possibly the saddest song I've ever heard (below). I've been in one relationship that ended badly (for me, anyway) and literally broke me; it's difficult for me to understand the thought of a wonderful, positive, healthy one splitting solely due to distance. Granted, distance often weakens a relationship, but just giving up seems like it's throwing away something that many would kill for.

I'm not going to go as far as Simon and Garfunkel in 'I am a rock' and recommend avoiding love at all costs (and believe me, I've been at that point before) - the reminiscing over lost love and good times certainly sounds poetic and poignant - but think about this: Honestly, what good are those dreams of this person who will never come back (or who doesn't care enough about the narrator to try)? And what good are these fine words and dreams of the narrator without taking any action to even try to be with the person he loves?

If there's a will and a way, why should the narrator settle for only dreams? Then again, perhaps that's just my undying naivete speaking. I've shown myself to be abysmally stupid about the practicalities of love in real life; maybe this is just the ignorance/idiocy surfacing again. Too many fairy tales as a small child, I suppose, and not enough hard knocks from reality.

Moral: When it comes to love songs and stories, I'm a sucker and a hopeless (hopeful?) romantic. I happen to like happy endings; it's a shame the world seems to have a grudge against them.
--------------
A Summer Song
Chad and Jeremy
(Metcalfe / Noble / Stuart)

Trees swayin' in the summer breeze
Showin' off their silver leaves
As we walked by

Soft kisses on a summer's day
Laughing all our cares away
Just you and I

Sweet sleepy warmth of summer nights
Gazing at the distant lights
In the starry sky

They say that all good things must end some day
Autumn leaves must fall
But don't you know that it hurts me so
To say goodbye to you
Wish you didn't have to go
No no no no

And when the rain
Beats against my window pane
I'll think of summer days again
And dream of you

They say that all good things must end some day
Autumn leaves must fall
But don't you know that it hurts me so
To say goodbye to you
Wish you didn't have to go
No no no no

And when the rain
Beats against my window pane
I'll think of summer days again
And dream of you
And dream of you

---------------
I am a rock
Simon and Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark december
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need for friendship
Friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock
I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I'd never loved
I never would have cried

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no-one and no-one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island
And the rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

In your heart you wonder
Which of these is true;
The road that leads to nowhere,
The road that leads to you.
-Pilgrim, Enya

I wish I knew, who I want to become.

Had a vote of confidence from Prof. Brown earlier - he thinks I'll make a great historian. I still wonder if that's really what I want to do; there are so many possible choices. I do enjoy it, but the real question is if I'll still like it after grad school... or would I enjoy something else more? Will there be a job out there for me when I'm done, or will I end up as another jobless academic? I can't help but wonder.

Not a fantastic day; German wasn't swell, ate bad sushi :(, didn't play my deck very well. At least I found some incidences of repressed saints. Hurrah for the thesis... everything else isn't so great, but it's still going. For that, I am grateful.

--------------------------
Why Eli's awesome:
hmmm, don't be so worried about what grad school you're going to, it's an important decision, but you're not going to screw up the rest of your life if you work hard and do what you enjoy, remember:
The barriers are not erected which can say to aspiring talents and industry, "Thus far and no farther."
-- Ludwig van Beethoven
---------------------------
Also from Eli:
I found this on in a Stanford sports article about how sports commentators
from Duke University think too highly of themselves. The kicker comes at
the end. The Blue Devils are their basketball team, FYI:

Duke basketball has become a Final Four fixture in the past decade and a
half, mostly by dominating the Atlantic Coast Conference and producing
superteams under the watch of Mike Polish K Krzyzewski. The Blue Devils
always seem to have a glut of great college players who never translate
into NBA superstars (see Shane Battier and Christian Laettner). TV
commentators love to go on and on about Duke's academic prowess in
addition to their athletic skill, as if being called the Harvard of the
South wasn't an insult. That's like being the hottest girl at Cal Tech...
----
Yeeeeeee-ouch! That's a zinger.

Well, finally heard back from all the grad schools. ND really, really wants me, bad enough to pay my way and living expenses. UCLA and UT Austin would allow me to come for the first year... but I'd be paying for everything, since neither place can spare me a dime.

And then there are Princeton and Stanford, who couldn't care less about me. Nyah! (I for one still can't believe Princeton rejected Mike and Sam!)

Now for the super hard part - deciding where to go and dealing with the consequences. :(

ND: I'm far away from everyone I love, from both the places I can call home. Also, it's damn cold in winter.
UCLA: Warmer, near my second home (tech), but geez that's a lot of money I have to pay for tuition... fees... gas... you call that an apartment rent!? That's a down payment on a house!! Closer to friends at tech and maybe Sam, but not certain on the last one. :(

This is when I wish for complete clairvoyance... I desperately want to know what will happen if I choose this place over that one, etc. -sigh- Everything recently has gone so well, and I don't want to mess up the next several years of my life - maybe the next 10-20? - by one mistake.

I wish I knew what to do.

Hello, burnout.

I remember talking to Dana and Lisa about this; when you get to the point that you simply don't enjoy playing your instrument anymore, when it becomes a chore. I never thought this would happen to me with flute. My music saw me through the worst times of my life, and I still think that when I was the unhappiest in my life, I was at my musical peak - it allowed me to make something good and wonderful from the mire of miserable emotions and pain, and was all the more powerful because I felt it so deeply. Then, I lived through my music, where everything was ok and the world didn't hurt so much.

I can't do it anymore. At least, not in orchestra. I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden I can't find the beauty in the music anymore. I can't find the images that I used to create the emotions of my playing. They simply don't come.

I'm not sure why this happened... I wonder if it has to do with being so happy with Sam, or discovering new pursuits like painting and singing, and realizing: there's so much to do that I have not yet experienced, and only a finite time to accomplish it.

But whatever caused it, this is the way it is. I think it's time to branch out into new things and leave the old ones be for a time. Maybe I just need a new perspective. Perhaps it'll take 10 years or more, and maybe another instrument to boot, like it did for Dana and Lisa. I'll continue to play flute in chamber music, which still brings me joy; I just can't deal with orchestra anymore.

I'm sorry, Allen, but you deserve a principal flutist who really wants to do well. You gave me a wonderful opportunity at the beginning of my frosh year; now Harlan deserves that chance. With a little more experience and polish, he'll make a very fine principal flutist.

It's been a great 3 years and 2 terms, but everything must end someday.