I'm home.

So far, I've managed to practice Mozart for a good 3 hours, see Monty Python and the Holy Grail (again... isn't quite so funny when you're with your mom and sister), and sleep. :)

Remembrances
Seeing all the prefrosh wandering around campus with luggage and parents in tow reminds me of how happy I am to be going home, if only for a week. Didn't realize I'd gotten homesick.
Of course, it also reminds me of when I was a prefrosh, moving into Ricketts. Dad was here - Mom had to stay at home and look after Kat - helping me move into Ricketts 7, the room I shared with Sarah Horst. I remember the night we were moving my baggage into the double, decorated with the blood red walls, pentagrams, and the demon sketch - the blaze of the firepot flickering around the courtyard, Skurves huddled around it and in the colonnade - and Dad leaning over and whispering to me, "Ah... must be the burnt sacrifice."
I remember being a little afraid of the Skurves (who hurled obscenities at me whenever I came through the courtyard), very afraid of the math problem sets, missing my dog, home and family and friends. I remember finding friends at frosh camp, feeling kinda overwhelmed and being quiet and shy to a fault. I remember feeling absolutely in awe of everyone else who was here - the brilliant students who deserved to be here - and feeling way out of my league.
I remember bits and pieces of Rotation - a swirl of faces and snatches of conversation - trying to decide between Lloyd and Blacker, and finally ranking Blacker first. I remember feeling ecstatic when I was picked into Blacker... Todd's voice booming out "The gods smile upon you!" and being picked up and hauled out to the Vatican shower. I remember rooming with Andrea Smith, the best roommate ever, in Cannes 30, the blue room... playing Loreena McKennitt and Sarah McLachlan a lot... living down the hall from Raycroft, Matt and Will, with Adam and Randy hanging around more often than not (always something amusing going on, like Delilah, Counterstrike and blood gods (and the blood goddess Amanda ;), hillbilly knife-throwing or rapelling).
I remember a diet coke exploding in the fire as I hid behind a black couch, sopping wet from a recent showering for puns, and another phase of my life beginning, shared with Adam. I remember the unexpected trip to Joshua Tree, overcoming my fears, getting to know upperclassmen and discovering the great fun of rock-scrambling (been addicted ever since). I remember spending Thanksgiving with Andrea in Long Beach because she took pity on her homesick roommate (yup, I had the best darn roommate ever). I remember my first orchestra concert as principal flutist - Brahms Symphony #1 in C minor, Overture to the Merry Wives of Windsor, and the modern piece (Zwilich Violin Concerto) - and learning something new at every rehearsal about orchestral flute. And I remember sitting in the Cannes hallway on Saturday night after everyone else had left for Christmas break, reminiscing about everything that had happened, both the wonderful and the awful... wondering where the time had gone, how it had flown by so fast.

No matter how much time elapses, some things never change. Good night, all.
--
FYI - I'm leaving caltech Saturday morning around 10:30, and will be back next Saturday (before Rotation) - not sure if I'll be able to update, but I'll be losing my wisdom teeth and doing a lot of work on my SURF paper and the Blacker name/doortags. Miss you guys, and see you in a week.

This'll be a quick post, because I'm tired and need to wake up early tomorrow. It's not been too productive of a day - here's the list of what I wanted to get done: flute practice, designing and producing the Blacker doortags (ah, the joys of being Blacker secretary), beginning that SURF paper, laundry, random other stuff.

What I managed to get done: most of the template in Paint (why I wish the PC lab computers had Photoshop on them, and why I'll try to install Photoshop on them tomorrow), and very little else. Grrrr.

Other stuff that's going on (mostly before today):

Reading: Finished the Great Hunt (Jordan). Currently on October Sky (Hickam)... yup, this one's going to become a favorite, along with the sequel The Coalwood Way. I'm not sure exactly what it is about these books - I'll think on it. Perhaps the reason they resonate with me is the focus on small town life, or the portrayal of the different people, or interactions between those people... I don't know, but these books are great.

SURF work: A day off for the biologist. Amazing. There was nothing for me to do in lab - finished the sequencing reactions and turned in those samples to be sequenced yesterday; they won't be done till Friday. Tomorrow and Friday I'll be doing those in situ washes, of course, and making up for the free time I got today.

Music: Allen found a second flutist for the concert, so I didn't get to sit in at the rehearsal last night. -sigh- Ah well, with luck I'll be in orchestra again this year. Need to practice more, get cracking on the Mozart concertos I have (D major and G major) and decide which one I'd prefer to live with for the next couple months. Still uncertain on the concerto competition... it's one of those "wait and we'll see" things.

Though one of those "wait and see" things recently got resolved - I'm not going to be taking Anatomy and Physiology (Bi 145). Considering I'm already taking the bio equivalent of triple threat (neurobio, genetics, bi/ch 110), I've had several people tell me I'd be insane to try it. And remembering the academic advice I've ignored and regretted ignoring, I'm going to take it this time. Not sure whether I'll try to squeeze in a non-bio class though. I'm playing with the idea of taking Mu 27 instead, since I'd like to learn more about music theory, and it'd probably be a fairly easy class after 10 years of flute. We'll see.

Movies: Watched Strictly Ballroom and Best in Show on consecutive nights... I prefer Best in Show. Mom, Dad, Kat, you should see this one. Also saw Possession at Laemmle yesterday night with Rebecca and Seth - DON'T go see this movie. Although (as Seth said) "It has action, sex and guns - how could it not be good?", it was overly melodramatic and kinda tired. Not Gwyneth Paltrow's best role - go rent Shakespeare in Love to see that.

Speaking of *good* movies, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is coming out on November 15... guess I should reread that series before then. And The Two Towers is coming out in December. Ah, so much to look forward to...

Finally, a few choice quotes from Harry Potter, proving that kiddie lit can indeed be thought-provoking:
"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" - Headmaster Albus Dumbledore

"The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution."
-Dumbledore

Night all.

Hm... it's been a while since I've posted. Some new things have surfaced; let the rambling commence:

I finished Patriot Games a few days ago... been rereading The Great Hunt (Jordan) and October Sky (Hickam) instead of devouring the new few books on my list. -shrugs- Meh, sometimes you just aren't in the mood for realistic action - but I imagine I'll finish Hunt for Red October in the next few days. Not having too much to do in lab helps... At this point, I'm waiting for the week-long in situ protocol to end on thursday and friday, and in the meantime, getting as far as I can on sequencing reactions for the gene Tbrain. The latter is really extra; if those in situs work, then I'm all done with what I thought I'd finish over the summer. -grins- It's strange, though, to realize that summer's almost over. Another two weeks, and I'll be done with the first rotation dinner/reception/meeting of the year. Yikes. And two weeks from tomorrow will be the first day of classes...

Am I the only one who thinks that I shouldn't be a junior yet? Seeing all the prefrosh come in, I realize that I'll only see one more class of them before I leave this place (assuming I graduate in 4 years... and I certainly plan to). It's a scary thought. I'm getting older, but I don't feel it happening; am I growing wiser as well? Hope so.

The beach trip yesterday wasn't quite as good as I'd hoped - when you drive out overlooking the ocean and see marine layer, you know you're in trouble. Cool and windy is great for tech or home, but it sure isn't ideal beach weather. At least the company was good. I drove out there with Elaine and Andrea K, spent an hour or so about mid-beach waiting for everyone else to show up and braving the chilly waters. Finally, Jared strolls up to us... "Where have you guys been?" "Waiting for you! Where is everyone?" "Um... about 5 minutes up the beach" Figures. Jimmy, Katie and Jared had parked at the north end and walked down until they met Tina and Nate... then assumed that we must not be there yet (even though we were the first to leave tech). Ah well... we spent couple hours sitting around talking, then went to a fish 'n chips place - Malibu Seafood - for dinner. Mmmm.

On the way back, Elaine, Andrea and I had some lively conversation going (much different from the last time I came back from the beach *coughMikeDRossandwhoeverelsewasnappingcough*). And I learned something that caused the last guilt I had about the breakup to melt away... it's amazing when you're voicing your thoughts, your frustrations, and someone speaks up and says, "Why does this sound like what I went through?? I thought it was just me!" Thanks Elaine, you made my day. Wish I'd talked to you earlier. I can finally believe that it wasn't my faults, my weaknesses that caused my relationship to fall apart, and that makes all the difference in the world. Maybe it sounds funny, but it's a relief to realize that I'm not fundamentally flawed, it wasn't something that *I* did that caused the behavior, and I can begin to believe that the next time I try to make a relationship work, it won't eventually blow up in my face (assuming I don't make the same mistakes). And the last of the fear begins to melt away...

Shifting from emotions to music - last night the really great low register sound I pride myself on appeared again. It took longer this time to come back... usually it's the first thing to return. -shrugs- Sure, it's not necessary for the orchestral pieces we're doing now, but it makes the Bach, Enesco and Poulanc so much more fun, to have a dark, rich sound. :) Here's to another 8 days of practicing with all my teeth present. I can' t help but wonder how it's going to feel (and sound) when there's extra resonance space in my mouth.

Speaking of the future - still haven't given much thought to life after college. At this point, I'm on autopilot headed for grad school, though whether it'll be for bio or history, I haven't a clue. Working in a bio lab is great when you're getting good results - so incredibly satisfying - but it's downright tedious when everything's going south. Even after working in the Davidson lab for a year, I still don't know if this is what I want to do with the rest of my life... but I have the sneaking feeling that I'd be sick of solid labwork in another 10 years. It's awesome to make your own hours, as long as you get the job done, but it's a bummer to never be outside during daylight hours, or have very little interaction with people outside of your lab group. The other workable option right now is history or anthropology grad school - every history and anthropology class I've taken here, I've thoroughly enjoyed, and I think I have time enough to set up for this if I began planning this year. Thing is, I can kiss any thought of working for NASA (in any capacity, much less being selected as an astronaut) goodbye once I choose this path... there's simply no need for people with Ph.D.s in history. On one way, happiness is uncertain at best; along the other, a dream dies. I think I'll be standing at this fork in the road for a while.

But hey, at least the future at hand is pleasant - I can't wait to go home and be with my family, even if the wisdom teeth are coming out while I'm home. It's nice to know that no matter what happens, I can count on 5 people, 5 dogs and 1 cat at home to love me and believe in me.

Such is life. It's time to practice flute... Good night, all.

First things first: Happy Birthday, Dad! :)

Everything else:
-best batch of in situs ever. here's to hoping they improve overnight... but at least I've found a protocol that works. hooray!
-finished Emma, began Hunt for Red October and Patriot Games. Clancy's a better author than I remember...
the updated reading list:
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Sense and Sensibility
Hunt for Red October*
Patriot Games*
Grapes of Wrath (H 142)
Days of Obligation (H 142)
Neurobiology text

*=in progress

-watching sense and sensibility for the second time in a week. probably should've just practiced flute instead; I wasn't in the mood for another "everything works out perfectly in the end and no one's dreadfully unhappy" jane austen novel... I woke up feeling a little down, and for some reason, lab drained me this afternoon. I came back to my room feeling like I needed a hug, took off for food at Pie 'n Burger, spent the whole time talking to Dad, Mom and Kat on my cell phone. I would've given anything to have one of them here... at least everyone's well and happy at home, including the dogs.
-I'm ready for a change of pace. Never thought I'd be ready to speed up time until term begins, but I think seeing a mix of new and familiar faces will do me good, and I want to know *now* whether or not I can handle this course load, whether I'll end up dropping 150 or 142, what happens when everyone gets thrown together again, how I'll hold up this year (though I honestly think I'll be absolutely fine in all regards).
-considering a friend's recent advice to not take emotional issues too seriously. Perhaps you're right; you usually are in matters like this. I need more time to consider this one though... sure, the world won't end if I'm wrong and choose the more difficult path. It didn't when I messed up so royally last year - in fact, I learned a whole darn lot slogging through life the hard way. But after making the mistakes I did last year, I'd rather avoid any pain as much as possible, whether it be mine or another's... but I'll try to relax and see what happens.

It is funny though, that I should have two people give me the basically the same advice about two different aspects of my life within a couple weeks. The last person who told me to relax was Davee, one of the riding instructors at TES. She'd asked each of us in her class to think about our strengths, weaknesses and fears dealing with riding, and tell her sometime. I finally came up with some ideas - but no real pattern, mainly scattered little points where I was improving or needed improvement. After class one night, I approached her and related what I'd come up with.
"Ok..." after listening to me, then "You're right on all the little things. But I perceive your real strength to be your focus. Whenever I suggest something to you, you immediately work to correct it - and you improve. On the other hand, this is also your main weakness - your focus. You concentrate so hard on fixing what's wrong that you forget to relax when you're in the saddle, and that's just as important."
Next mission: Focus on relaxing, and see what happens.

Anyway, I'm gone to practice flute and go sleep. Night all.

Geez I'm tired. Forgive the rambling and incoherence, but this is what you get when I've only had 5 hours' sleep for each of the past two nights.

A quick run through:
-took andrea k to the oral surgeon at 7:30, slept, picked her back up at 9, drove her to rite aid, came back to the house, slept (intended to be only a quick nap, since I'd gotten back from lab around 3 AM the previous morning. seems like that's becoming an unfortunate pattern)
-woke up at 1:30 (umm.... oops.), immediately went into lab
-plated transformations worked!! Hooray!!! liquid cultures of those tonight, hope they work -crosses fingers-
-random in situ washes. tomorrow's the day of truth, when we find out what's going on with these probes. again, keep your fingers crossed
-riding in Davee's class - rode Colorado. very smooth and easy sitting trot, a touch difficult picking up canter, but on the whole a very enjoyable ride. drew compliments of "you were really good on him" from Davee -grins- which is praise indeed from her. more and more, I hope she begins teaching a thursday night class... I really want to keep taking her class during the year, but if I take animal physiology, that's not going to happen.
-finished reading Emma - perhaps that's why I'm feeling a little down. I've picked up on a pattern in Jane Austen's books - a secret engagement revealed after a controlling parent dies; a heroine with a fault that causes endless mischief; no matter how many mistakes the heroine makes, she always ends up with the kind, suitable fellow you didn't really take into consideration for some reason and everything else works out perfectly. a shame life isn't really like that...
-accidentally asked for the date at least once today, and received looks of shock and horror, even rebukes "How could you NOT know what day it is??". So I forgot it was september 11th... is this a bad thing? Should I be ashamed that I forgot about something so terrible? I'm sorry, I didn't feel like reliving the surreal shock of one year ago, when Dad woke me up in time to see the plane hit the second tower. Silence is an appropriate memorial; having every radio station harp on it and go back through the gory details is too much for me. I felt it deeply enough last year - it was one of the days I really, really wished I didn't empathize with others so much, there was so much raw emotion pouring out everywhere. I can't remember a single moment of that day, of the next several days, that I wasn't crying, grieving for everyone who'd lost family or friends and trying to come to grips with what had happened. A year later, I can only say: Let it go. LIVE. And hope it doesn't happen again.

But now, the anniversary of the tragedy is over. It's September 12th, which means... Happy 51st Birthday, Dad :) Wish you were here so I could hug you, but Mom, Kat, Red and the other dogs will have to do for now. Can't wait to see you in another 10 days.

Moments from my day:

There's no way to begin a lesson like warming up with harmonics... and not realizing that harmonics are your new instructor's pet peeve. Ouch. The first 15 minutes of my lesson was a diatribe against using harmonics as a warmup, after my last flute instructor specifically suggested I use them to promote flexibility of embouchure... um, yeah. Off to a great start. But Prof Woodward's quite nice otherwise - it'll be fun taking lessons from him.

Oh... and to increase the worry of the wisdom teeth ordeal - when he asked why I'd be gone that one week, and I replied I was having my wisdom teeth out, he nearly flipped.
"Is he a good dentist??" he demands.
"Um... he's an excellent oral surgeon. Best in the region, as far as I know. Why?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes... why?"
"Make CERTAIN you tell him you're a flutist"
"Why??"
"Well... there's a nerve that runs close to the roots of the wisdom teeth in the upper jaw, which controls fine muscle movements of the upper lip. In normal people, of course, it wouldn't matter... but if it's damaged, you won't play flute again."

ARGH. As soon as I reassure myself that everything will be fine, that I really shouldn't worry about orchestra auditions and just enjoy flute, something like this crops up. Perhaps this was one of the reasons why orchestra rehearsal tonight was so precious to me - if something goes wrong during surgery, I'll lose something that's been one of the best parts of my life for the last 10 years... and that scares me. Sure, it's probably not something to worry about - but all the same, I think I'll be doing a lot of practicing during the next 12 days.

Those damn colonies didn't grow for the fifth time, after making new LB agar plates, new LB medium, changing my plating technique, and the burnt offering (kidding). Transformed a new set of bacteria tonight - if these don't work, I won't know what to do. There just isn't time left to go back and start from scratch with this, along with getting the Delta in situs to work. At least it isn't a major part of my SURF.

And on a happy note: I didn't realize how much I'd missed orchestra until tonight, when I sat in as second flute. There's nothing like being right in the middle of the creation of the music, and being able to contribute to the whole symphony. I was wrong when I thought that being knocked down a peg from principal would be a little sad - on the contrary, it means that a) it's not nearly as much stress, and b) I don't have to play in the modern piece (YES!! :). Not being able to perform with the orchestra would be saddening; playing harmony on second flute is actually rather fun. It's been years since I haven't been first... I'd forgotten how interesting harmony could be. It's good to have perspective changes like this from time to time - makes you realize that the world won't end if things aren't quite the same anymore.

Ah geez, I should sleep so I can take Andrea K to have HER wisdom teeth out tomorrow at 8. Night all.

Random clips from my day:

"This looks... hrm. It doesn't really look specific at all...I've never seen anything like this" - Veronica, on the staining of my in situs. Also why I virtually get to take today and tomorrow 'off', since I can't begin another protocol until I finish the other protocol (wednesday and thursday) and see what results it gives. All I can do is culture bacteria and miniprep, then prepare a sequencing reaction - and there's plenty of down time there for reading and errands.

Reading Emma in a nice, air-conditioned Starbucks lounge instead of writing my SURF report... -sheepish look- Hooray for Jane Austen! I'd like to see that movie again, once I finish the book. And I'd like to find the book Sense and Sensibility sometime soon... need to check the library.

An elderly gentleman commenting on my analog Timex watch while I was reading in Starbucks - he had the same one. Funny, that. Then again, analog will always be superior to digital (as long as we aren't talking about alarm clocks, that is). ;)

Discovering that Julia Seltz won't be teaching lessons regularly anymore.
:( TES just lost one of its most inspirational instructors; she's one of the reasons this summer was so awesome. At least Davee Hallinan's still around for Wednesday nights...

Our new Monday night instructor, Kandice, giving us the leg torture workout of the summer. "Post at the walk without stirrups... sitting trot without stirrups... post at the trot without stirrups... stop, reach down and touch your toe *without* having your feet move... again... back to post at walk without stirrups...(20 minutes go by)... Ok, NOW pick up your stirrups and post" Oh, I'm gonna feel that tomorrow.

Causing someone to respond to a pun in my away message :) Because it's been a few days since the last one. Yup, no matter how narrow-minded and opposed to the humanities a biologist is, you can't say he's ignorant of culture. ;)

"Like soap in an oil spill" - Elaine, referring to herself coming back to tech. At first this puzzled me - then she explained that she'd seen this Mr. Wizard episode where he had a bowl of water with a slick of oil on top. When the soap was placed in the water/oil mixture, the oil immediately zoomed out to the edges of the bowl, as far from the soap as possible. In this case, it was anyone and everyone immediately leaving right after Elaine got back from Cambridge, Massachusetts. Awww...

Speaking of which, Jeff Blackburne just left. :( Vatican's losing all its inhabitants! Noooo...

And to top it all off, getting Mike D's extra key. I now have an Ath spot! I don't have to walk more than 100 feet to my truck! Hooray! -grins-

And now, I'm going to go practice flute. For a day that began poorly with the in situ problems, today hasn't been half bad. =^) Night all.
--
Almost forgot: Seeing the fire glimmering along the mountain ridge while riding in Burbank... so much smoke. And it looks awfully close to the Equestrian Center... it's a little worrisome.

Night falls
Silhouettes of the mountains fade to dusky sky
Selene's crown, a thin sliver of moon, rises
Not a pure silver, but a smoky harvest-orange
Mirrored across the valley by glimmering, malevolent reds

Seems to be a kinda blah day. Woke up around 2:30, toasted some waffles and called my parents and little sister. Everyone at home is doing well: Kat's having fun in HS though some classes are difficult, the band's performing better every game, Dad went down to La Grange last weekend for dove season, Mom's waging the everlasting war against clutter in a house full of pack rats.

Checked my in situs in lab - no fantastic results, really. Looks like I'll need to up the probe concentration in the next batch, but I'm getting there. Should have decent results in the next couple weeks.

On another note - where is everyone? hm... Rebecca's at a volleyball banquet... Andrea's message says v.h.m ... some friends are out to dinner, maybe a movie... others have been idle for hours and leave no trace as to their whereabouts.
-sigh- Yeah, having most of my friends out of town has caught up with me. It's really nice to have my solitude, but sometimes it does get lonely. Especially when I want company for dinner, or just to sit around and talk - there's something comforting about being in another person's company, that makes life more bearable. Though a book can be excellent company, and a movie will do decently in a pinch, it's not quite what I was hoping for tonight. -shrugs- But I guess it'll have to do. Hope the rest of you are having fun, whatever you're doing, and see you later.
---
Later Update: Thanks a million for going to Pres Thai with me, Andrea - being around another person really really helps sometimes. Good luck taking out the last of Hellride.

I give up. A while back I swore never to write about love on my weblog again. However, since the main purpose of a journal is to be a sounding board, to get the thoughts clamoring around in your mind into words onscreen for later evaluation... here I go. (As a friend's log says: "This is where I say what I damn well please." ) If you don't want to hear it, skip down to the "Random Updates" section.

In any case, you've been warned.
--begin emotional discussion--

It's pretty rare that I'm angry at myself for something I've done. However, today I've been near-furious with my actions over last year. I don't know what prompted the sudden perspective shift (maybe watching "10 things I hate about you", or one of the books I've flown through recently: Rocket Boys, or Lost Moon, or The Coalwood Way). But I do know this: for the past year, I've been an absolute fool. I've passed up opportunities right and left - first term, focusing on the misery I was going through in a swiftly deteriorating relationship that I wasn't smart enough to bail out of when I started feeling pretty damn insecure and worthless, hanging on instead of giving up on it, letting go, and spending time with the awesome people (both moles and lloydies) in my hall in avery. This was probably the worst of my errors last year - had I not made this one, the outlook for the next two terms would've been much, much better. Second term, it was being stupid enough to let misery over a failed relationship, emotional and academic stress drive me to the edge of giving up on everything - dreams, hope, life, etc. Third term, it was being stupid enough to try and revive the relationship that died second term, and having that end even worse than the first time around, losing all my confidence and self-respect in one stroke.

Dammit, I am sick and tired of being foolish and feeling sorry for myself. I've finally hit the "Snap out of it, idiot!" stage of hindsight. Looking back, I can't believe I had such poor judgement, *especially* when Sangeeta, Yussanne and others had pointed out some of these earlier in the year. And you wonder why I don't trust myself in emotional matters anymore.

Having time and space to myself has been great over the past week... without feeling under pressure, I can think about what's going on, what's gone wrong, and what's going to happen in the future - and there, I'm again faced with a crossroads. Not the "what am I going to do for the rest of my life!?" question, though that one's hovering in the back of my mind. It's the "am i ever going to be ready for another relationship, and who would i trust that much?" question. I never gave much thought to it before the relationship ended for the second time third term; but watching Adam rebound within a month while I was still trying to piece my whole sorry life back together didn't help. Then again, maybe it did, because it forced me to realize that there was no going back, ever - but it sure did hurt. I can't remember ever feeling so worthless and expendable in my life, so easily replaced. Hell, there are still times I don't feel I'm worth love anymore - they crop up occasionally, but they're getting to be fewer and farther between the happy times. And now (as a friend once predicted, having been through something similar) I only feel a faint wistfulness for the way things were frosh year... the bitterness, the worthlessness, the anger at myself has finally bled away, leaving a kind of nothingness in its place. It's not emptiness, because my life right now is richer and happier than it has been for a long time - it's just a void where nothing exists. All that remains is the question, "Now what?"

And to that question, I have no answer. If I knew what I felt, I'd be able to come up with one. The time the 17-year-old Austrian hit on me, asked what the English word was for a man and woman getting together, and suggested we do the same that night, I knew exactly what to say: Hell NO. And call for a cab with the other two girls. And the next morning, when the Rotary exchange students left St. Daniel for Vienna, I had no qualms whatsoever about how I'd responded.

But right now, I feel torn two ways... I could remain alone for now, and as long as I please, waiting for someone I might feel certain about, and that looks awfully nice. Especially since it gives me time to sort through everything else on my own. Or I could try to trust someone again. It's not like someone of this quality, one of the kindest, most gentle, most intelligent guys I know, who cares this much about me, comes around every day. And if I was more in touch with my emotions, maybe I'd know the right path to take... but for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know how I feel. I'm fond of his company, and his friendship means a whole lot to me, but... love? Add to this uncertainty the fear of hurting him - either by declining, or by disillusionment when I don't (or can't) live up to his expectations, or if I can't love him... oh, and throw in the strong feeling of not deserving him, not being good enough by a long shot. I hate knowing that I'm hurting someone, but giving in would be forsaking myself; I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. A couple weeks ago, I made the decision to remain on my own - but I know I can't hide from this forever. When I was younger, I used to want to be like the Phantom of the Opera - learned, musically talented, respected (or feared... close enough, right? ;), and alone (whether or not he liked it). Then again, though disfigurement's one solution, and throwing up emotional barriers in panic is another, I've got to figure out how to deal with this in another, more mature way. Soon.

--end of emotional discussion--

Updates from random areas:
Flute: better all the time. Fine control's coming back, low register's getting back to what it was, middle is ok, high is coming back. Working on tone, reducing the "airy" sounds I sometimes get in mid/high register; also working dynamics. Also working on sightreading - been going through the ever-so-handy etude books I have here. Still working on Enesco and Poulenc, may add Mozart's Concerto in G or D Major for fun and/or the concerto competition... need to go find that in a nearby music store. Surely it's around somewhere...
Can't wait to play in orchestra rehearsal this Tuesday. =^)

Reading: I've been flying through books. Read all of The Coalwood Way by Hickam today in between in situ washes and checking the color reaction, from 3:30 to 8:30. Mom, you'll want to read this one, and the Rocket Boys too - I'll bring them home when I come, but they're coming back to caltech with me, so you'll have to read them fast.
Went through Lost Moon (the Apollo 13 story, as told by Lovell) and Rocket Boys (Hickam) before that, all in the past few days.

The updated, revised list in no particular order:
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Emma
Sense and Sensibility
Hunt for Red October
Patriot Games
Grapes of Wrath (H 142)
Days of Obligation (H 142)
Neurobiology text
whatever else I can get my hands on, especially during the week I'm at home and recuperating from mouth surgery.

Lab: The in situ probes don't look too degraded! Hooray! And it looks like there's specific staining... I should've let the colour reaction run longer in the highest concentration tonight, but there's definitely a faint stain on most of the embryos, usually in the archenteron/vegetal plate area. I'll probably have to do another in situ, but there's light at the end of that tunnel. =^)

ARGH it's late. Time for sleep... I'll be going in before noon to check on the other two concentrations of in situ embryos. Night all.

And once again, I've had a lesson brought home in an unexpected way. Everyone has their own tale to tell that you'll never guess from seeing them in everyday life, their own burdens to bear. Why should riding instructors be any different?
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Even though I won't be performing in the orchestra concerts, it looks like I'll be sitting in as second flute for the september rehearsals until I leave. :) Hooray for being in orchestra again!

And on a related note, I can't wait till these damned wisdom teeth come out. When you can't chew on one side of your mouth because it hurts too much when you put pressure on a canted wisdom tooth, it's just not fun. Only a couple weeks to go...

Oh yeah - flute practice was great tonight. :) I didn't practice yesterday, but a day off often helps perspective - today I felt like the fine muscle control was coming back. Yaay for being able to do smooth octave jumps again... now if I can just fix the rough spots in Cantabile et Presto (Enesco) and Sonata for Flute and Piano (Poulanc), I'll be happy. They're such wonderful pieces... can't really put words to the music in the former. The melody in the latter is gorgeous, somewhat mysterious. I once heard a flutist describe what she saw in the music as "Mimes performing on the streets of Paris"; I can't think of any other way to describe it.
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Lab update: Paola's been cleared of the "assault with a deadly weapon" charges... awwww. It was so much fun, warning people away from borrowing her gel box with "she'll come after you and beat you to death with a pipetman! She's already been charged with assault... she'll do it again!" (Several weeks ago, she received a letter from the Orange County DA, notifying her that a warrant had been issued for her arrest and her court date was set. However, it was addressed to a Paola Oliveras, rather than our own Paola Oliveri... amusing to the rest of us, but not to poor Paola. The Caltech attorneys, it seems, finally took care of it)
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Between sequencing, two in situ protocols, lab meeting, plating bacteria, autoclaving and pouring LB plates and starting liquid cultures, I managed to spend a good 11 hours in lab today (10:30 AM to 11:15, with a 1.5 hour lunch break). Hoping for less tomorrow. But really, it shouldn't be so bad. After all, Veronica isn't my mentor from last summer... she's a good deal more merciful, and actually has a life outside of research. *gasp* What sacrilege!

Yikes it's late. Or early. Anyway, time for sleep...

Self-Discovery
A couple nights ago, I was in lab plating bacteria and half-listening to U2's album "All That You Can't Leave Behind". For those of you who don't work in the Davidson lab, this is the favorite CD of the starfish group (Veronica the postdoc, Albert the newly-graduated, and me the little undergrad); this is also the CD I listened to all the time in lab during the rough times last year. Some of the songs have intriguing melodic riffs, others have strong, honest lyrics about relationships, emotions, etc. In any case, I was thinking about what's been happening recently - concerns about flute, people and so forth - and my ears catch the lyrics "You are such a fool/ To worry like you do".

This set off a chain of thought which eventually culminated in "Hmm. What makes me tick? What ideas direct how I act, and what do I want to change?" Sure, for most people this kind of evaluation takes place right before New Year's resolutions are made, but it's never too early to figure out who you are...

After considering this over the last couple days, I came up with some ideas. I guess you could call this my personal philosophy... the words and thoughts I try to live by - in some I generally succeed, others I'm constantly trying to live up to. But if I could ever live up to the person I want to be, these things would be at the core.

1) Know thyself (working on it. always.)
2) Life will never work out according to plan. Don't worry and fret about it, just deal with what comes your way. Relax! "You are such a fool/ To worry like you do" -U2 (still working on it)
3) Trusting others isn't a weakness. Not everyone is out to exploit your weaknesses and cut you down. All the same, choose carefully whom you confide in. (Frosh year, trusting people was no problem. Now, it's something I have to think about... disillusionment hurts, but I guess it was bound to happen sometime. definitely improving with time though)
4) Caring is not a crime. Hypersensitivity and callousness are. (a lesson learned the hard way last year and a couple weeks ago. and the complement: )
5) Always be willing to forgive and forget. "Holding on to resentment is allowing someone to live in your head rent-free" -Anonymous (usually ok)
5) Emotions shouldn't rule your life, but shouldn't be shoved down and locked away either. Throwing up emotional walls isn't a solution. (someday I'll find a happy medium - currently on the latter end, swinging back from last year)
"And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort" -Sarah McLachlan
6) Always, always try to see and understand the other point of view. The person who sees from only one perspective never learns anything new about the world, and never grows as a result.
7) Be tolerant. Everyone has a right to their own personal beliefs and feelings, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else.
8) If finesse and subtlety fail, then be frank and honest - but not careless or cruel. Treat people with compassion.
9) Keep your enthusiasm for life strong. Don't lose sight of why you do something (flute, history, biology, whatever), or for what reasons - do it from joy, from happiness, from love.

That's about all I've come up with - I guess it's a reasonable approximation. In any case, it's time to go practice flute and get some sleep...

Harkening back to Fiddler on the Roof: "To Life!"
("We'll raise a glass and sip a drop of schnapps
In honor of the great good luck
That favored you"... schnapps, not vodka, eh? found it :)

Quick Update: Of course, as soon as I write that I'm not doing so well on flute, I have the best practice in days - a good 1.5 hours' worth. Perhaps all I needed was a little perspective. And perhaps I'm going a little overboard, being so concerned about staying in orchestra. Didn't quite realize this until an IM a couple days ago: "Dude--botch the audition? You're kidding, right?"
Thanks for the vote of confidence... I guess I should have more faith in myself, quit blowing things out of proportion and imagining the worst that could happen. Something else to work on, I suppose. Perhaps the shift of focus from "must do well" back to "just enjoy" was what improved the playing tonight...
It's strange, though, that I can't imagine not being in orchestra-or at the very least, not performing on flute in chamber music. After all, music (along with a few other things) has kept me sane over the past two years here - sure, it's been kinda stressful on occasion and time-consuming (ah, the carmina burana rehearsals freshman year), but it's kept me going when life looked bleak, and given me hope in trying times. Sometimes I wonder if I would've lasted freshman year without it.

Ok, now it's really time for sleep. Night all.

When there's nothing to do but wait till it's cooler outside... why not write a little?

SURF: The fifth set of in situs didn't work. The RNA in situ probes I made last week are horribly degraded - I've transcribed them now for a third time, and hopefully these will be ok. The bacteria I transformed - with plasmids containing precious, hard-won 5' ends of the A. miniata Tbrain gene - and plated last night? Most of the plates look like the colonies lysed - there's nothing left but a few colonies on the rim of the plate. Guess I'll be going in again tonight to replate...
Fate, why do you spite me?

Movies: Watched Fiddler on the Roof (2nd time in the past week) with Joe last night. The movie is fantastic - humour interspersed with somber realizations about change. I remember Dad mentioning this movie and referring to 'the good old days when fathers were heads of the family', but I'd never seen it before last week. Dad, all I have to say is, thank goodness for progress. ;)
Two nights ago, I watched Caddyshack with a bunch of moles plus a few lloydies (Joe and John) - I haven't seen a Chevy Chase comedy in years. The last time was when I was a HS freshman, staying with my aunt, uncle and cousin in Plano for a week in the summer, and Uncle Gary rented "Vegas Vacation". Caddyshack's definitely the more entertaining of the two (if the more dirty ;) - long live the gopher.
Tonight: Went out with Rebecca and Andrea K to see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Hey, it may not *sound* like a good movie, but it's hilarious. Great light comedy dealing with Greek/American culture clashes - reminded me of Fiddler on the Roof, as far as the Orthodox church and the 'father as head of the family' attitude.
Among the amusing lines:
Toula's Father: "A respectful boy, he would ask *my* permission to date my daughter!"
Ian: "All right... may I... date your daughter?"
Father: *couple seconds elapse* "NO!"
(sounds like my dad...)
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Toula: "He's a vegetarian. He doesn't eat meat."
Aunt Thea: "What do you mean, he DON'T EAT NO MEAT??" *rooms goes silent* "That's all right... I make lamb."
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Next movie to see in theaters: Possession. Anyone want to come?

Reading: Finally got through the whole LOTR trilogy (3rd time) - every time I read it, I find something new to think about, a new perspective on the characters, little details I'd missed the time before. I still find it amazing that Tolkien created whole languages for the different races, not to mention the rich mythology he invented for Middle Earth - such dedication to a world of his imagination. Hopefully the movie rendition of The Two Towers (coming out this winter) will be as good as The Fellowship of the Ring was last year.
Currently reading Foreignor (Cherryh) - not that great. The past 500 pages have been nothing but the ambassador to an alien species worrying whether or not he was about to be betrayed by his bodyguards or the emperor. And being pretty wordy about it. I'd quit reading it, but I'd go mad wondering if he ended up being assassinated in the end. At this point, I'm ready to see him die. Only another few hundred pages to go...
Next* on the reading list: Rocket Boys (Hickam), Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Pirsig), Emma (Austen), biology texts (Genetics, Biochem, Neurobio), H142 novels: Grapes of Wrath (Steinbeck), Days of Obligation (Rodriguez). other assorted sci-fi, fiction as catches my eye.
*order subject to change on a whim

Music: Flute's coming along ok. I feel like I'm backsliding, which isn't so good... I really should practice earlier in the day than 1 AM. Perhaps being completely awake will help my focus. It'd be nice to have new music to work on as well... I wish I could play in the orchestra rehearsals during september and the concert right before term. Then again, I'd miss three rehearsals, arrive at LAX 2 hours before the concert and have 4 wisdom teeth taken out just a week before the concerts. *sigh* Of course, the wise decision (since I still have my teeth ;) is to pass it up. It's just... irritating. Thinking of how I refused braces through HS and the summer before I came here because dental work messes with your embouchure... and now, I'm stuck. Ah well. Hopefully everything will heal quickly.

Ah well. Time to go re-plate some bacteria, practice flute and go sleep. Working on Labor Day? But of course. Bacteria wait for no one. Night all.