Wow, it's been several days since I last updated. What's happened recently:

Went on a three hour trail ride on Saturday morning with Yussanne and Andrea S. I'm still a little stiff from it - I always thought being saddle-sore was a joke or for 'old people', but now I believe it. Unfortunately, Western saddles just don't agree with me anymore, 'cause the stirrups put stress on my knees and twist them... when I was younger, that wasn't a problem, but when you dismount and nearly sit down because your knees buckle... yeah, that's not good. Yup, I've definitely become what Connie (really old and really awesome camp riding instructor) jokingly called an "English brat". ;) Besides, you can do more interesting things in English, like jumping, dressage, combined training... all sorts o' good stuff. And I can always switch back to neck reining and an Australian saddle for polocrosse, if I decide to be a camp counselor or wrangler over a summer.

I slept so much this weekend, I felt like a cat. After 7 hours' sleep on Friday night, I went riding with Yussanne and Andrea, had lunch with them, got back to tech around 4:30, and promptly fell asleep again, intending to wake up around 7. Instead, I slept till 9 (4.5 hours sleep), did some more reading, played the LOTR board game, and went to sleep again at 2 AM. I then woke up at 11:30 (9.5 hours sleep) Sunday morning - as a frosh said, "That's almost 3 nights' worth of sleep!!" -grins- Yup, sure is. Damn, it's good to be a history major. ;)

After sleeping for oodles of time, I then spent Sunday afternoon with a gaggle of girls at the LA fabric mart (Katie, Kaisa, Maki, Sandy, Lucie, Merc) looking at cloak materials and pricing some for friends. There's nothing like fabric shopping with a group of girls - it's like being in the middle of a flock of magpies. "Ooooh, look! Shiny!!" and there they go... ;) No, really, it was fun. And I found some lovely dark green wool cloth for a *useful* full-circle cloak for me - I have the half-circle dark blue one from the stack last year, but it's just not warm enough for real winter use (Kat, you may end up with this one... that, or it's going to Mom). This one'll be pretty (for costumes), as well as durable *and* functional as protection against the elements (wool's warm, and fairly waterproof). In any case, Katie and I managed to knock down the seller's price by almost 2 dollars/yd and convinced him to knock off tax too. Wow, haggling is fun. :) We also found some cheap, soft linen cloth for lining... Ah, this'll be fun. Looks like I'll be doing some sewing over Thanksgiving break - and even better, Grandmom's a great seamstress, so I can spend time with her doing this. :) I'm planning on having it ready for when I go back home over winter break - I'll be using it for warmth at home, as it's a chilly 30 degrees on average there... and the Two Towers is coming out on Dec. 19th. :) :) Three guesses who's going as Eowyn. ;) I'll get Mom or Dad to take pictures, might even scan and post them later.

Add to all this the fact that I'm going home (HOME!! :) for Thanksgiving for the first time in 3 years... definitely cause for celebration. The only problem is that Kat managed to catch the flu over the weekend, and I haven't had a flu shot yet... guess this means I'm stopping by the health center tomorrow for one. hooray?

Eh well, at least I get to go home, even if I'll be doing a lot of work too... I'll have the 110 set (due tuesday), plus the 3000 word core 1a paper (due monday), plus the 3000 word h 142 paper (due friday) to work on, without counting the 10 page h 161 paper I'll have to write before the end of finals week. But I think it'll be just fine... I'll just have the 110 final and the 161 paper to worry about during finals week, which should be a piece of cake compared to previous terms' "4 finals, a paper, and maybe another paper..." frenzy. This 37 units thing is awfully nice.

Honestly, ever since I dropped the biology major, I've been much happier. Funny, it's made this much difference so quickly. I feel like I did during frosh year - maybe even before, because I feel *confident* in my abilities again. I'm finally doing something that I know for certain I can do well. And for (perhaps) the first time in my life, I don't care what anyone else thinks about this decision - *I* feel that it's the right decision for me, and it's worth the sacrifices I've made and will make. I never realized before now that I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but my own (yeah, so I've been really slow to realize this. I admit, I should've listened to Adam on this point frosh year, because he was right on). My parents are behind me no matter what, and (amazingly) even my former bio advisor was encouraging - "It sounds like a well-thought-out decision and I fully support you. The most important thing to do is to keep yourself interested and excited about your field of study! I am glad that you have figured this out early enough to still have options ahead." Considering that I expected a diatribe on how I was letting her down, it was a nice surprise... and of course, Professor Brown was thrilled when he found out. It'll be funny to see the expressions of the frosh next year, though - "History?! You're only a history major? I didn't know that was possible here!" I've actually gotten that question a lot recently... it's amusing.

Oh yeah - I got the most impressive compliment of my writing career this afternoon from my core 1a editor. We were discussing weak points of my introduction (looks like I'll be doing major renovations over break), but she was quick to say that I wrote quite well, and "Well, don't take this as an insult... but you had absolutely no major grammatical errors, and that's just *nectar* to me!" Hahaha... I've now been praised for not having grammatical errors in my paper. As Sam said, it's a new low in standards for this place - honestly, do people really write *that* badly here!? Good god, that's sad. It's not hard to write a paper without grammatical errors. If that's the kind of standard they hold for students here, well, no wonder this place requires the written scientific communication course. Kind of a waste of time, really, but it is letting me explore a couple more areas in history in depth, so it's not so painful. I *am* glad I didn't write it on developmental bio, or I'd be going nuts by now.

Hm. Can't think of anything else really outstanding that's happened - I think regaining my confidence is a big step forward and worthy of mention. I'm finally feeling emotionally steady again - no problems at all, no mood swings, no little depression episodes since I dropped the bio major. Still don't feel like anything more than friendship, but that's normal - I'm really enjoying my independence again, feeling uninhibited about being whimsical and mischievous, and unconcerned about being solitary when I need my personal quiet downtime. I've got great friends, supportive friends who care about me (again, I love you guys - you're the best), and I can't imagine needing anything more. Life's fantastic just as it is... I'm no longer looking back to the past, recalling memories from frosh year to get me through the day like I was last year. For the first time in a couple years, I can honestly say that my life is worthwhile, I love what I'm doing, and I like who I am.

Gaining self-worth back is certainly worth a biology major, no? ;)

Aight, I've gotta get back to reading. Finishing the Grapes of Wrath (ah, I love Steinbeck) and then reading the Tortilla Curtain (??) for H 142 tomorrow. See you guys around, and I'll probably update from home at least once over the break.

It seems like life has only gotten better since I decided to drop the biology major. Plus, I've turned in my registration form for next term. On the roster:
PA 32b (3) - why not get units for orchestra if you can?
Core 1b (2) - 'cause I have to :(
H 97a (9) - history junior tutorial with bill deverell on native american cultures. should be interesting
H 161a (9) - "What is History?" ie methods of investigative history, taught by a preeminent history prof that tech managed to steal from UCLA (I think) :)
H 167 (9) - experimental history - examining how we know what we know about ancient societies (pre-Greek civilizations like Mesopotamia, Egypt, Harappan, etc). god, it'd better be a better class than ancient medicine, or I'll drop it so fast it'll make your head spin. I'm not going to put up with another poor lecturer in a history class...
Ec/SS 130 (9) - economic history of europe from the 1500s to the industrial revolution, taught by a historian. hooray! :)
L 130b (10) - 'cause I want another crack at German, when I can really pour some effort into it. this should be fun this time around... languages are fun. :)

Anyway, I'm tired. Night all, and see you tomorrow.

My life after bio? I feel better already. A little scared of what happened, perhaps, a touch wistful that I couldn't hack it as a scientist... but I'd rather be good at something else and enjoying my job than become a depressed, mediocre biology grad student constantly at the verge of breakdown.

To my friends: Each and every one of you has been incredibly supportive - not one person has been critical of my decision, though a few pointed out advantages the other way before tuesday - and you have no idea what that means to me right now. I love you all, and I'll try my best to be there for you guys in return... heaven knows I have the time to spare now.
(Though I do think it's damned amusing that when I switched to bio, I got a lot of flak from random people in the house... but no one says an unkind word when I switch to history. Perhaps you're just all in shock ;)

Currently: So I've dropped genetics, p/f-ed 110, and that takes me to a low 37 units. I don't think I've ever taken this few units in a term before... but considering the three different 10 page papers coming up in 3 different classes (h 142, h 161, core 1a), I imagine I'll be thankful soon enough.

Looking to next term, it's odd to feel that I actually have to *work* to fill up my schedule. Amusing. Current plan is to take H 97a, L 130b, Ec/SS 130, core 1a, orchestra for sure - a whopping total of 34 units. Which means I need to take at least one more class, if not two... I'd love to take that Shakespeare class, but as it's offered only MW 1-2:30, that's out. Perhaps it's a typo though, since surely La Belle can't be in two different places at the same time on the same days... ;)
Other ideas are Law 33, or Ec 11 under Davis - only strike against it is that it's held MWF at 8:30 (?!?!) to 9:30. I was hoping to take a good art history, but japanese and modern art elicit only a 'meh' from me... But hey! There's a class called "What is History?" being offered... basically covering all sorts of methods of historical investigation. -rubs hands together with glee- Sounds right up my alley, so that's pretty much a given. So it's basically a choice between Lit 114 and Ec 11... we'll see what happens.

It's so nice to be really enthusiastic about all the courses I get to take next term, though - it's been a long, long time since I've been this happy about what I'm taking. I'm actually looking forward to next term instead of dreading it and wondering how I'll pass... it's certainly a welcome change.

In other news: Riding's wonderful. If I didn't feel like I had food poisoning from the rare meat from dress dinner, I'd be walking on air... Davee was really complimentary tonight. I rode Iowa again - that horse is so wide, it's almost ridiculous. Posting without stirrups is difficult when you're practically doing a plie to make sure your calves are in contact with the horse's barrel. Oy, my legs... other than that, I received an almost-constant stream of praise, and damn does it feel good after yesterday's crisis.

Speaking of feeling good, flute's also going quite well - now that orchestra's over for the term, I have plenty of time to converse with Mozart, play around with it and figure out what's going on. I'm woodshedding a couple of passages, but should have them under control by dec 7th, especially with all that practice time over thanksgiving break at home. :) Still looking for an accompanist, though... I may just give up and ask them to provide an pianist.

Life just gets better nowadays... this weekend I'll be riding with Andrea Smith and Yussanne at Topanga Canyon. Looks to be a really, really fun 3-hour-long trail ride, and they'll let us canter and gallop too! (quite rare in the trail-riding business) AND I'll be going with a buncha friends to the LA fabric district to look over fabric for cloaks sometime this weekend. Hooray for fun stuff :) I'll also be doing hum reading and a bi/ch 110 set, but that's no problem at all when life's looking up.

Anyway, I do believe I'll sleep now. Good night all, and see you tomorrow. :)

The dam finally broke.

It happened when I got back my bi 122 midterm... I've been telling myself I could stick with it for another 5 terms, even if I didn't like the courses I'd have to take, and even if it would be rough at times. But after I'd done pretty badly on both the 122 and 110 exams, I finally stood back and took a good long look at my life. The train of thought that went through my head:

1) How is it that I'm doing so poorly in classes in my major - the area that's supposed to be my strong suit?
2) I'm way under par compared to most people here. No wonder, since I'm with people who actually plan to become research scientists in biology, if not pre-meds...
3) Wait a minute, I don't want to do either of those. (I did briefly consider vet school, but my o chem grades quickly deflated that notion)
4) So what the hell am I doing, trying to get a major I don't want to go to grad school in?

And there's where I was before dinner. I'm looking at C's or worse in 122 and 110, and I'm not really enthused about either area. So why am I still pouring effort into them?

Beats me...

I called mom and dad after dinner - I'd talked to Yussanne, Nate, a few other people, but my parents know me best. As they've also been there, done that, I figured they'd be the best ones to consult about this. The verdict? More questions: "What do you believe? What will make you happy? What means more to you, what would you rather take: German, or a biology course?" "I don't know... I don't know... German. definitely." "Well then. What's wrong with that? I don't see anything wrong with it - you aren't failing us. Don't even think that. We're still awfully proud of you, and we want you to pursue what will make you happy, not what you think will make us happy."

I think that was what kept me from dropping bio all along - the thought that I was failing them. I thought I'd gotten rid of that spectre months ago, but it's been here the whole time. I cried over the phone, Mom talking me through it and reminiscing about her college years. She originally set out to major in Biology, tried concentrating in microbiology, hated it, switched emphasis to ecology and environment (and loved it), switched to an science education degree when she couldn't keep up with the language requirement for a hard science degree, taught middle school science for a few years in Austin, went to grad school in hospital administration, married Dad, moved to Longview, and ended up running her dad's testing and tutoring center in longview for over 15 years, as well as teaching a remedial algebra course at Kilgore College. When that closed, she taught at a ghetto middle school for a year, took a year off to recup, and she's now teaching again in the Kilgore College Math Lab. A far cry indeed from what she'd planned to do in life, perhaps, but she's happy with most of her decisions... and if I can say that when I'm her age, I'll consider myself content.

So tomorrow, I'm getting up at 10 and making the rounds to find my bio advisor, Bruce Hay, and Jack Richards, and by the end of the day tomorrow, I'll no longer have to worry about biology as a major. It'll recede into the background, another chapter of my life closed. And I'll have time to pursue other areas that might suit me better, instead of wasting time spinning my wheels on something I've already given up on. And oh boy, does it make my senior year look nice... :)

On the musical high...

I always feel great after an orchestra concert, and this one's even better 'cause my parents were able to be there. :) My nerves seem to get better with every concert, and the pieces went fairly smoothly. I was pretty happy with the caltech performance, though I think we'll be even better at Oxy tomorrow afternoon - not to mention Thorne Hall's lovely acoustics will make us sound even better.

Academic debates: So I've worked out a new, revised schedule for the next 5 terms, assuming I keep both majors. It gets a little hairy at times - especially 2nd term senior year, when I end up taking 12 (9), 156 (9), 188 (6), and either 246 (6) or 244 (5) - but other than that, I think I can find a good balance between bi courses and the fun courses (hums and ss). Though I'd really wanted to try TACIT that term for the shakespeare... -sigh- but I'm not willing to give up orchestra for it. I guess we'll see what happens.

Think I'll sleep now - getting up early to see my parents off, then reading for class, then concert at oxy at 3:30 (you should come! ;) Night all.
---
Oh yeah... almost forget. funny little thing, this.

What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla

I wish I still believed that people were fundamentally good. I've had a lot of my perceptions of the world shattered over the past couple years, and somewhere along the way I lost faith in people. I always thought that others would abide by the concept of 'treat others as you would be treated', but it seems that's only rarely the case... considering this, why even bother being nice if someone will only take advantage of you?
-sigh-
On a related note, I'm sorry to the friends I've snapped at over the past week - I've been really short-tempered as of late. It's not you guys, it's midterms and this place in general getting to me... I need a break already. And I need to decide whether a biology degree from here is worth taking another 7-8 shitty molecular biology courses (111, 113, 150...). Whether it's worth my happiness for the next 5 terms. I've had two completely different opinions on this so far, from Nate Austin saying "You'll still be able to point to a really strong biology and scientific background if you need to - most history majors won't have that" and Yussanne saying "Don't close doors! It's absolutely worth it! If you ever decide you want to go back into science, you'll have to have it... you don't want to regret dropping the biology major later down the road."

Bugger scientific research - we've already established that I'm just not cut out for it. The question is, will those bio courses prevent me from taking courses that I feel are important, or cause me to do badly in the history and an courses I really care about? I'm worried about this - I'd much, much rather be taking an anthropology course as opposed to another fricking biochem course, but taking both will bring me to an overload next term. Perhaps I'll just put off the bi/ch 111 course till senior year and take a breather from bio next term... that would leave me with bi 123 (12), an --- (9), l 130b (10), h 97a (9), orchestra (3), core (3), pe (3) = 49 units. It's so much more appealing... but that means I'll be taking *another* bio class senior year, when I'd planned to take things pretty easy. -sigh- I should've gone to a liberal arts school...

Ah well, I'll probably be remedying that by going to UT Austin or somewhere similar for grad school in history or a related subfield. Just so long as I never have to deal with physics or math ever again.

On a lighter note:

Eowyn If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Eowyn, Woman of Rohan, niece of King Theoden and sister of Eomer. In the movie, I am played by Miranda Otto. Who would you be? Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

or

Legolas Greenleaf If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Legolas, Elf, a son of the King of Mirkwood. In the movie, I am played by Orlando Bloom. Who would you be? Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

A hair's breadth between them -it just depends on whether or not I prefer a sword at the time. Both are excellent characters, so I'm not complaining :) I know a lot of women identify with Arwen, but I don't think Tolkien's Arwen would quite fit me... perhaps the movie-version of her will. Eowyn at least has strength, courage, and steadfastness in the books; Arwen appears only as Aragorn's demure love interest. I certainly hope I can think beyond being the stereotypical 'damsel in distress needing to be rescued' - I always thought Leia from Star Wars was one of the neatest heroines, because she took matters into her own hands, and sometimes was more successful than her would-be rescuers. I'd certainly like to think I would be Eowyn. Same goes for Legolas, of course (maybe even more so, since he actually went a ways on the quest with the ring-bearer, and gets more time on the battlefield) - they seem to embody quite a few of the same qualities.

Ah, to live in such a world... any one but this one would be nice at the moment. Work? What? I'm on a quest to save the world from evil! ;)

Plus I'd get to wear a cloak and boots, camp out, fight orcs with bow and sword... not to mention ride a good deal of the time, which is always, always a plus. :)

Isn't it just wonderful when you find out that people you trusted, people you really *believed* in, people you thought to be friends, were saying awful things behind your back the whole time?

Found out about this a couple nights ago, and with the stress from 110 and 122 tonight, the emotions I shoved down are surfacing. It hurts. I feel betrayed. I guess I was mistaken... you aren't who I thought you were, and I wonder if you ever were. Was I just fooling myself all along? At least I know I can't trust you anymore, and can act accordingly... but dammit, I just want to know why. What couldn't you say to my face?

Kathleen, I now understand you completely. You can't ever trust someone completely after you know they've done this... I'm sorry for not understanding earlier.

On to 110 and 122. Sometimes I hate my life. I just want to curl up and cry for a while, but there's just no time for it now. Slogging on through shitty bio courses and fighting against tears... maybe I'll have time to rest tomorrow night.

Hehehe... sometimes, I just can't resist. This was altogether too amusing...

I fancy Elves.
The only one that will ever look good in tights. Oh yea.
Which culture from Middle-Earth do you fancy?
By Hannah and Dani

Darn straight. Not only great with a bow, but good horsemen, too. Hooray for elves. ;)

Inching towards 'Know thyself'
Another leap forward in the everpresent quest: I ran across a self-discovery book a few days ago - I've only read a few chapters, but it's good so far. Has kind of a conversational feel to it, and focuses on analyzing the choices you've made to examine what you could change in the future. A few excerpts and included quotes:

"I believe we have two lives: the life we learn with, and the life we live after that." -Glenn Close, in 'The Natural' (concerning life-altering changes)

"We don't know if a choice is wise or wrong until we've lived it. We can't ever really know where a choice will take us, though we may sense its direction. We're torn between the agonizing shoulds and shouldn'ts. An inner debate begins to rage. Writer Jeanetter Winterson describes our dilemma beautifully: "I have a theory that every time you make an important choice, the part of you left behind continues the other life you could have had."

(Don't I know it, considering the number of times I've looked back and asked 'Where would I be now if I hadn't -----?')

how to move on:
"Consider for a minute that there are only three ways to change the trajectory of our lives for better or worse: crisis, chance, and choice.
You may not realize it, but your life at this exact moment - it doesn't matter who you are, where you are, or who's getting ready to jerk your chain - is a direct result of choices you made once upon a time. Thirty minutes or thirty years ago.
Our choices can be conscious or unconscious. Conscious choice is creative, the heart of authenticity. Unconscious choice is destructive, the heel of self-abuse. Unconscious choice is how we end up living other people's lives. 'The most common despair is... not choosing, or willing, to be oneself,' the nineteenth century Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard warns us, '[but] the deepest form of despair is to choose to be another than oneself.'

From where I stand, it seems that coming here, majoring in biology and continuing a research career would have entailed choosing to be someone I'm not. For the longest time, I had this image of the biologist in my head - this is who I want to be, this is who I should be, this is who I will be - even when I wasn't enjoying lab or coursework anymore. Letting go of that perspective was difficult, but as a result I'm happier - majoring in history and realizing that there's more out there than pure science (thank god) has made an incredible difference in my outlook. I may be mediocre in science, but I *can* excel in other areas, and those areas are just as good of a career choice as a Ph.D. in biology. It's just a matter of exploration...

It's just a shame I don't have time to explore those ideas because I'm still trying to major in bio as well. If I didn't have to take 123 and 111 next term, I could easily throw in theatre and perhaps another SS or hum with what I'm already taking. As it is, though:
Bi 123 (12)
Bi/Ch 111 (12)
H 197a (9)
An --- (9)
L 130b (10)

That's 52 units. Add in orchestra (3), core (3), and riding (roughly 3 hours groom/tack/1 hr riding lesson/untack/groom for 1 night a week), and it looks a little tight already. Theatre on top of everything? I foresee a quick trip to insanity... -sigh- Oh well, there's always senior year, right?
I just feel the time slipping away, and I want to try things that I haven't before I graduate - I wonder if holding onto the bio major is really worth the missed opportunities to find something I could *really* excel in. ARGH, so many tradeoffs.

Anyway, I'd better call mom and dad (and kat), grab dinner and keep working on the 110 set... I've gotten so little done today so far.

I feel so, so much better. A night camping out under the stars in Joshua Tree was just what I needed to set things right again. Even better, it wasn't raining OR freezing! :) Only casualty was one of my fingers... dratted granite with sharp chunks of rock sticking out. Grrr. At least Katie remembered to bring a first aid kit.

On the up side, we had a lovely roaring fire going last night, even in the stiff gale-force winds that would whip up a rain of sparks and send 'em flying through the air towards the desert vegetation every couple minutes. Amazing that we didn't have a small brush fire on our hands. And the stars... every time I'm out of the LA limits, I'm in awe of how much I'm missing when I'm under the perpetual smog/cloud layer here at 'tech. It's unbelievable. AND we saw some meteors flaming out across the sky. AND my sleeping bag was warm and cozy - that's one of the few times that I haven't frozen all night on a camping trip. :) Hooray for my mummy sleeping bag rated to 30 degrees F. And thank you Niffer, for the amazing 'suidicidal sandy graham lemmings'! (We had problems keeping the opened bag o' graham crackers on the table in the high winds... they'd spontaneously throw themselves at the fire. A few actually made it; the rest just got sandy. Mmmm, sandy grahams.)

Now for a shower, then calling parents... but first, checking email...

-5 minutes later-

Dammit. Can't I be in this damned house for 10 minutes without another email controversy over house government?
How to tell a junior from a frosh: both are pretty happy in general, but the junior knows divided the house really is, and can see the splitting beginning even in the new class. It hurts. I don't like this. Why can't everyone be reasonable and level-headed? -sigh-

I want to leave for J-tree and not come back for a week now...
---
New, revised schedule:
Saturday
6- shower
6:30 - flick. a lot. :) Any brave hobbits up for LOTR Sauron expansion? You know we can win against Sam... all it takes is loads of luck.

Sunday
wake up at a decent hour - say 1 PM?
2 - go make transparencies for bi 80 presentation on monday, run through presentation once or twice
3-7 - 110 set
7- dinner
8- finish 110, study 122
sleep by midnight

Monday
10-wake, rehearse presentation
12- bi 80, give SURF presentation (again)
1-6 - study 122
6- dinner
7- take 122, done ~11
END OF MIDTERMS :)

A funny little thing before I go to bed... Metropolis Part 2 by Dream Theatre's playing, and it just hit me that I can listen to the songs Adam introduced me to about two years ago without crying. I can really enjoy them again. I don't know how long this has been happening, but it's nice. It's also nice to not be an emotional basketcase anymore... I like being emotionally stable again. Sure, there's the occasional depression (maybe once a week or every two weeks?), but it passes relatively quickly nowadays.

Now, if I could just come up with two coherent 2-3 page papers, I'd be happy. :) Night all.
--
FYI to mom, dad, and kat - I'm going camping tomorrow (Friday) night at Joshua Tree with some friends, so I won't be able to call - but I'll be back Saturday afternoon, and will try to call either then or Sunday afternoon. Love to all of you, and please hug Red for me. :)
--
again, for my own benefit:
Today:
1:30-7:30 - sleep
7:30 -shower
8-1 - write write write! 5 hours *should* be enough to tackle these two topics and deal with them decently...
1 - turn in 161 midterm, laugh maniacally and dance around the room, try not to sleep through lecture
-- gone camping. back Saturday ~6 --

Sat
6- shower
6:30 - begin working on bi/ch 110 set
9 - flick. a lot. :) Any brave hobbits up for LOTR Sauron expansion? You know we can win against Sam... all it takes is loads of luck.

Sunday
wake up at a decent hour - say 1 PM?
2 - go make transparencies for bi 80 presentation on monday
3-7 - 110 set
7- dinner
8- finish 110, study 122
sleep by midnight

Monday
10-wake, rehearse presentation
12- bi 80, give SURF presentation (again)
1-6 - study 122
6- dinner
7- take 122, done ~11
END OF MIDTERMS :)

I finished the H 142 essays with time to spare! Even had Rebecca proofread them (many many thanks to her, btw). I'm half done with that class!

*dances around giddily*

Now, time for the 161 essays... hopefully I'll get more than 4 hours sleep total tonight. I imagine so, since Ancient Medicine's more appealing to me than California history. Meh, we'll see.

I've got to learn how to fight off these doubts that keep assailing me. Forget science - If I learn how to deal with this, I'll be just fine.

Essays... I'm a scant 100 words ahead of where I was last night. Trying to think about having fun with them and not worrying so much (hey, it worked the past two years), but for some reason I'm stressing out about both of these classes. I don't know why... perhaps because they're in areas I'm not so fond of. California's not a bad place, but it's just not medieval europe. Same goes for medicinal practices in ancient civilizations - I'd rather be studying social interactions between barbarians and 'Romans' during the fall of the Roman Empire. I'm just not fired up about these periods of history. At least I won't have to take another out of concentration class after these two...

And hopefully I'll make As in these two courses, do decently in 122 and 110, and bring that damn GPA up above a 3.0 so I can apply for the Bishop Summer Study Abroad program next term. I'd like to do some field training in Scotland or Ireland or England, go to a few classes at the summer programs at the University of Edinburgh and travel afterwards, but the min GPA required is a 3.0. It's waivable (so they say), but I'd rather be in the clear.

If wishes were horses...

I wish I didn't feel so damn stressed about these 2 history exams. I wish I didn't feel sick. I wish I didn't feel so alone right now - friendships and otherwise. (Granted, it's partially my fault for the latter, but I'm not going to start something and ruin someone else's life if I have doubts that it'll work, simply so I can feel better about myself.) I wish that I felt like someone around here, anyone, valued who I am and supported me instead of taking advantage of my weaknesses for their gain. I wish I could reinvent my life beginning with frosh year, if not before. I wish those 'what-if-I'd-made-a-different-choice' scenarios would quit bothering me (if I hadn't come to caltech and gone to UT instead... if I'd chosen Lloyd over Blacker... if I hadn't gotten involved with Adam... if I hadn't spent summer '01 here...). I wish I wasn't such a coward sometimes, that I was more assertive. I wish I wasn't becoming such a recluse, I wish I was more outgoing, I wish I was better at alley assassins, and I wish I could just let go of all this baggage I'm carrying around in my mind - 'how things should (but won't ever) be', 'ingrained ethical and moral taboos', 'this is who i was so this is who i can/not become', and all that other useless junk. I wish I didn't judge myself by how well I perform - in biology, in history, in orchestra, in riding - and lose faith in myself if I'm not as good as I was last week. I wish I had more confidence, more time, more intelligence, more endurance, more clarity, more talent...
And more sleep. At least that's something I can fix, starting right now. Night all.

For my own benefit:
Wednesday
10-12: h 142 essay, reading
12-1: summer study abroad meeting
1-6: h 142 essays/ h 161 reading
6-9: riding
9-12: h 161 essays

Thursday
10-12: h 161 essays
12-1: lunch
1-4: classes
4-6: h 161 essays
6-7: dinner
7-12: h 161 essays

Friday
11-12: flute lesson at oxy
12-1: lunch
1-4: h 161
4-6: flick. enjoy life again.
and gone to enjoy nature for a while. back saturday-ish.

Yeah, so I swore I wouldn't flick....

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

(For once, it's actually pretty close to the truth in all respects.)

That lasted all of two days. Anyway, back to reading h 142...

Since I don't have time for a proper post, here are some nifty pictures I found of mythological creatures when I was flicking ;)

Enjoy!
Hippogryphs (namesakes of this site):

A Gryphon (for comparison's sake - note the lion's end rather than the horses' hindquarters seen in the hippogriff. I have seen hippogryph renderings with a lion's forepaws - and prefer them, to tell the truth - but the two above were the neatest ones I found.):

And while I'm at it, here's the stained glass wolf that I used as a pattern for my pumpkin this year (which turned out pretty darn well... maybe tina will post it someday and it'll show up here too):

And last but certainly not least, Pegasus:

From Friday:
It's amazing how sometimes you hear the perfect song to lift your spirits. I woke up around 10 feeling kinda blah... some days, you just don't feel so great about everything. Especially when you haven't had much practice time recently and your lesson's in an hour. And when very little seems to be going your way lately. I finally rolled out of bed around 10:25 after thinking about various things I hadn't gotten around to yet - mainly midterms, also flute practice, got to my truck around 10:40 (didn't have to move mike's car for once either :). I started the car, and immediately this song begins on the radio:
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
-In the Middle, Jimmy Eat World

It was exactly what I needed to hear: reassurance that things will eventually work out, and that life will get better if I just hang on. I can't believe how much my mood improved just from hearing that song.
As it turned out, the flute lesson went pretty well - I'm becoming addicted to flute and riding lessons, because those are the only two times in a week that I feel that I'm consistently successful. Flute's nice because Woodward thinks I've got natural talent - even said that I have more than some flute majors he sees coming through Oxy. It's funny for me to hear that, because for the first several years of band, I don't think my directors thought I'd amount to anything. It's mainly thanks to Helen Blackburn, my incredible flute teacher for junior and senior year, that I've gotten this far. I didn't really begin to develop my tone or musicality until I studied with her, and I still practice the exercises she found for me. I know perfectly well I'm not good enough to try to make a living of it (a great perspective, as Woodward says, because there're so very many flute majors out there it's difficult to get a job even if you're really good), but it's enjoyable and relaxing, and therefore worth the time and effort in my opinion - it may not be preparing me for a career, but it's worth a whole lot as far as happiness is concerned. And ever since last year, I've come to the realization that life isn't worth living unless there's quality to it: happiness, vibrancy, relaxation, all the little things that balance out the ugly times and the hard knocks that chance will deal out. A few hundreths of a point of my GPA is not worth my mental well-being. So I don't have a 4.0 - this won't kill me (though a 3.5 sure would be nice). On the other hand, taking 30+ units of biology in a 50+ unit term without any fun activities or downtime just might. I've realized that I have to know my limits, to have some kind of balance, to keep from going off the deep end and burning out before my four years is up... and I think that in itself might be worth the hell I went through last year. Here's to learning in all aspects of life, and pursuit of one of the most important goals in my life: know thyself.

From today:
Thanks for all your mnemonic teachings, Mom - I finally put 'em to good use in a biochem class. :) I think I've got all 20 amino acids down now, after just 2 hours of study. Also worked out the schedule for midterms for the next several days (so don't expect to hear from me for a while):
Sunday
10-11 revise core 1a intro, send to mentor (should've done this saturday... grr)
11-3 study bi/ch 110
3-6 take bi/ch 110 (prolly in SFL)
6-7 dinner and call parents
7-10 orchestra winds rehearsal
10-12 begin h 142 reading for exam

Monday
10-12 h 142 reading and start h 142 essays
12-1 bi 80
1-6 h 142 essays
6-7 dinner
7-12 h 142 essays, begin h 161 reading for essay exam
12-1 flute

Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday
Finish up 142 essay exam and keep working on 161 essays in spare time. maybe take a little time off here and there so I don't lose my mind

Due dates for exams:
110 - Tuesday at 11 AM
142 - Thursday at 2:30 PM
161 - Friday at 1 PM
122 - ??? no idea, as it's not even out yet. It had better NOT be due before next weekend, though, or I'll really be screwed.

Anyway, take care, and see you guys at the end of the week. Night all.

More random thoughts:
And Vatican's in last place in Alley Assassins... OR you could say it's first place considering absolute value ;) At least we're having fun!

Ah, the wonders of dremel tools - introducing the wolf pumpkin (nope, not the blacker lion this year). Come by and see it before it gets smashed into pieces - it turned out better than I'd hoped.

It's so nice to receive compliments... they take so little time and effort, but have major psychological effects.

Riding wednesday night was fantastic - it finally hit me that I've learned an awful lot over the past... 6 months!? Wow, it's been a long time. Anyway, it's immensely gratifying to hear praise from Davee - she's a great teacher, but usually doesn't give merit unless it's deserved. "Looks like you win(the contest - posting without stirrups for the longest time)... Position looks really good... Your heel is always so good! Even without stirrups - I'm impressed!...Your leg is so solid during canter - this is fantastic." -basks in warm glow-
I wish every day could be like this. I love feeling like I've really accomplished something, and receiving some sort of reward for it.

A couple of amusing quiz results, because I ran across them when I should've been doing work ;)
I think I originally got hippogryph on this one, which is why the url of this site is hippogryph.blogspot.com. But gryphon will also do. In either case, it's about being an amalgamation of different animals, sometimes contradictory aspects juxtaposed in one being.

What mythological creature would you be?

It's been a while since I've read the Pern series by Anne McCaffery, but I stumbled onto this... I don't remember any female brown riders, though. Ah well :)

Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz

Made By: myway and teza