I was talking with Tina last night, and she mentioned something about how I don't look like the aggressive type, so I really startle people when I do act aggressively. I guess it's just my particular combination of learned behaviours and instincts. For instance, I learned right off to keep a quiet, low profile in my school, because being loud and too obvious about showing intelligence meant people hated you and gossiped behind your back (unfortunately, it didn't always work as well as I'd hoped). Both band and academics taught me that keeping quiet and working hard in the background are the ways to excel... but being section leader in band also showed me that you can't lead while being quiet - when you're stuck with a position of authority, you've got to be able to take control of the situation and run with it. You can't lead well if you can't relate to the people in your section, if you're too strict or too lax, if you're too passive - you've got to be flexible to work with different people, encouraging to some, strict with others, and kind to all, so they're willing to work under you and progress toward your goals.

And of course, under all this were the impressions from my parents. Dad's more the 'got to get 'em by the balls so they do what you want!' kind of person (of course, for a trial lawyer, this 'go get 'em!' attitude is priceless), while Mom's the more 'work WITH them, and convince them they want to work with you - don't dominate them' personality (more of a good teacher's philosophy).

In the end, I ended up more as Mom - I'm a lot like her, and more concerned with common sense, compromise and persuasion. But every once in a while the 'Dad' comes out - the slightly rebellious, risk-taking, aggressive, devil-may-care persona. And I find it a little strange, because I can't really reconcile the two. They're definitely both parts of my personality, and I can bridge the gap and switch styles effortlessly. It's just odd, because it really throws off people who've only seen the 'sweet, quiet side of Kirsten' (as Tina said) - they're a little shocked by the moment of aggressiveness or ruthlessness, because they just don't expect it. Not that I'll always follow up on something from this side... on the contrary, most of the time I think along those lines, I overrule it with common sense or compassion from the 'mom' side. But it still manifests from time to time, and scares the living daylights out of some.

I just wonder sometimes if other people experience this kind of separation - it's not schizophrenia by any standards (no voices in my head, I promise), just two radically different ways of thinking. -shrugs- Ah well. Anyway, guess I should go eat now..

Ah, adventures. Whatever will life bring next?

The latest escapade originated with Phil's discovery of an IKEA catalog. "Free Chair for first 100 in line!" it read. Phil, of course, thought this was the coolest thing ever (hey, you would to once you saw the chair), and immediately resolved to go early. He hunted me down, and convinced me to drive him there early Wednesday morning... then, I suggested how neat it would be if a bunch of moles all managed to get free identical chairs. His eyes practically lit up, and the next thing I know, he's sent an email to the moles list asking if anyone else wants to go. Hehehe, good old Phil. And even when some moles from the LA area pointed out that people would possibly camp out the night before, he was bent on getting a chair... even if it meant camping out in front of the store overnight.

So, of course, this is why 12-15 moles were camped out in front of IKEA beginning around 11:30/midnight. Talk about a fun time. ;) But hey, it's got to be the most ridiculous thing I've done recently. And it's definitely a funny memory. :)

Also, I have a comfy FREE IKEA chair. -grins- Come see it next year in room 8!
----
Onto another topic - while googling a day ago, I ran across another quiz, relating you to a poet. Results?

You are Alfred Lord
Tennyson
You are very analytical and like to debate. You want truth and beauty. For you, it seems that every cloud has a silver lining. You believe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention!

Hm. As Tennyson is renowned for his Charge of the Light Brigade, and the Lady of Shalott (which I love, especially in Loreena McKennitt's musical version)... I'm not complaining. And I can say that I do believe it's better to have loved and lost than to have never known love, even though the prospect of loss still scares me. But nowadays I think that's a reasonable and manageable fear. -shrugs- After all, it seems to me that any love that remains strong with time is better than that which ends - the less pain, the better for all involved. But I think I've moved beyond expecting every love to be perfect, or thinking that love will conquer all problems. They won't, and it can't - my first relationship beat both of those ideas out of me (bet you never thought I was such a romantic, did you? ;) Yeah, I've changed a lot). But I'm not cynical or bitter about love anymore, mainly thanks to Sam. All things considered, I think it generally brings happiness and makes you re-evaluate yourself - and both of these are positive effects. And I can say that if this relationship ends (god forbid), I'll be awfully sad and upset - but I'm pretty sure I won't sink into serious depression again, and I certainly won't regret being with Sam. Before I began dating him, I learned to respect and like who I was, and I think that was one of my real problems earlier - I simply did not respect myself enough to stand up for what I believed, felt, etc. And I've learned so much in this relationship that I could not have learned on my own, both from him and from myself... in the end, I think I made the right decision, in taking a chance on him.

Anyway, enough expounding on my thoughts. Time for work.

Saturday: Ah, game weekend. I discovered the joys of Natural Selection - it's amazingly addictive, and I was actually becoming a decent Fade before I finally decided to sleep (around 6 AM? yikes...). Also played some DDR - just as addictive as Natural Selection, but at least you're moving around a lot more than your typical video game.

Sunday: Spent the afternoon over at Professor Brown's house with the other medieval history majors (Joe and Ryan) and their significant others (Emily and Katie), and Sam. :) It was really nice to just sit and talk with them about random mundane things... I don't think I've ever done that before. I've only interacted with Ryan in class discussions - I still find it funny that Ryan used to scare me when I was a freshman (he can be intimidating when he's arguing a point in discussion). I should probably get to know Professor Brown better... I rarely go by his office except when I need to discuss course offerings. Though that'll change next year for sure, when I'm working under him for my senior thesis. Emily and Katie I'd never met before - Emily's a music-ed major at WMU, and I was quite impressed with her. Joe, you have good taste. (And it turns out she doesn't hate flutists per se, only the hypercompetitive attitude typical of flautists. Boy was that a relief. :)

All in all, it was a relaxing afternoon/evening, dinner was really great (Brown made salad and pizzas... mmm), and the company was excellent. And thanks for coming, Sam. :)

The only downside? We missed the Magic draft at 8 PM for game weekend. :( But that's ok - Dan'll have another draft of Scourge in a couple weeks.

And now, it's time for me to work. Going to Santa Monica Pier tonight with Sam, Brian and Sarah, so I'd better get through all my German work and at least a few chapters of history before then.

I do try to stay away from emotional stuff in this journal, but today, I'm making an exception. Those of you who dislike sappy posts had better skip this one.

Sam, I adore you. You think I'm clever, and beautiful, and you enjoy being around me when I'm myself, a feat in itself. You want me to be happy. You forgive me when I mess up. You love me despite my flaws, and you don't force me to conform to your idea of who I should be. And you've showed me that love isn't supposed to hurt - that trusting in someone is not just a way for someone to take advantage of you. For all this, I don't know how to thank you. I love you, my dear.

Riding was awesome yesterday. :) I rode Ruby, whom I'd ridden the very first time I had a lesson at 3D Farms way back in January. Then, she terrified me - she was incredibly oversensitive and panicky, very spooky. Since then, she's calmed down a LOT, and I've become a better rider... I could actually handle her and make her work yesterday. Not perfect, but I've made a lot of progress. :)

Can anyone make sense of me? I can't.

Ah, Ditch Day.

I decided to do the Narnia stack by Jane and Sarah T this year. Sangeeta had suggested that her stack would be really awesome, but it looked like a bunch of frosh were interested (and frosh should have first dibs), so I passed it up (sorry Sangeeta :( but I did hear from Tina that it was supercool). I was also thinking about the Curse of Monkey Island, if only because Sam, Mick, Pat, Abby and Maryam were on it - I was strongly tempted to go with them just on account of the company (plus I know Merc was really excited about her stack). But I figured that all of them really wanted to do that stack... and there were more frosh milling around there as well. I have to say, I almost regret not going for that one, though - every time I saw them, it looked like they were having lots of fun. And the pirate IDs were pretty darn cool. ;)
So I ended up doing the Narnia stack. Pretty fun, actually - I was with Yussanne, Elaine, Andrea, Ewen, Sarah A, Greg, and Jian Yuan. Lots of walking around campus, a little role-playing from the books with alums (unfortunately, none of us had read them in years... now *that* was interesting. Occasionally it made for a laugh, like when I forgot one of Jill's lines in the Silver Chair when conversing with Prince Rilian, aka Ari. Afterwards: "You certainly made a better Jill than the one in the book - you didn't blurt out who you were looking for right away, like she did." "Er... honestly, I'd forgotten what she said" -laughter-), a trip to the Huntington Library and relaxing in Aslan's Country after decoding a message, then back to campus to finish the series with the Silver Chair and a climb up a rope ladder from the SAC courtyard. Ari gave a very convincing performance as the enchanted Prince Rilian - nearly all of us jumped when he went into his 'fit'. Anyway, in general a good time was had by all. I'd say it was about on par with Celeste's stack my freshman year. A couple problems, but nothing major, and it flowed pretty well. Good job, Jane and Sarah. :)

And now, we're seniors. Is that a scary thought to anyone else in my class? It sure scares me.

Ok, enough non-history writing. night all.

Stole this from Andrea K's site... hope she doesn't mind, but it's amusing. Ahh, multiple-choice fate determiners... ;)
---
Palm Reading Results
by rkwest.com

You have a good imagination, and often exhibit sensitivity to others.

At times, you may tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. You can be excessively cautious or narrow in your outlook unless you receive the right kind of encouragement.

The general flexibility of your character is a useful attribute. At certain times in your life, you may have romantic conflicts and difficulty maintaining friendships. You will overcome these problems after a little introspection.

You are a warm hearted person, with much love to give. You probably like children, and exhibit many playful characteristics. Sometimes you feel jealous, and must avoid becoming overly possessive in your relationships.

Sometimes you feel jealous, and must avoid becoming overly possessive in your relationships.

There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.

You are likely to make decisions based on intuition or feelings rather than intellect.

Your personality is dynamic and attractive to most people. The more branches you find in your heart line, the more friends and lovers you will have. Your sincerity and compassion make people like you even more.

At certain times in your life, you may have romantic conflicts and difficulty maintaining friendships. These problems are not likely to last long.

There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.

Although you have ambition, you do not always exert the energy necessary to be successful.

You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.

You were probably given a good start in life by your parents. This could be based on your general upbringing, or on physical characteristics you inherited.

You are likely to make many changes in the direction of your life. This may be based on interruptions due to health problems, or it may be that you just have trouble focusing your energy. The most productive time in your life will probably occur in middle age.

A major illness or setback is predicted near mid-life. You have the ability to recover from this. The most productive time in your life will probably occur in the second half of life.

There is a strong intuitive side to your nature, which may border on psychic or mystical ability.

I'm trying. But the past couple days, it seems that I can't do anything right. I get frustrated with myself over the smallest things - I know I shouldn't. Cursed irrational emotions.

Hoping Ditch Day tomorrow will dig me outta this pit...

Finally decided on my schedule for next year:

H 99 - senior history tutorial
L 132a - intermediate german
Art 51 - european art from 1800
PA 31a - chamber music
PA 32a - orchestra
PA 61a - silkscreening and airbrush
PE 36a - beg/int swimming

Total: 39 units.

(+15 unscheduled units of Tomorrow, as the seniors this year kept telling me)

I think it'll be a good time...

Wish that I were more outspoken, more bold, more intellectual, more arrogant, less concerned with treading on others' opinions or being proved wrong. I think it'd help me a lot in history... Also, being more interested in the workings of the medieval papacy would help. It just doesn't interest me as much as the earlier secular troubles did in the Merovingian and Carolingian periods... or even focusing on comparisons between the interaction between church and secular leadership at a particular time. I don't know why. And it saddens me that Brown can't cover the fascinating parts of the secular progression in this course... he skimmed over vast amounts of it today, and I know what everyone's missing. It's so much more interesting when presented in depth, and merits more than a couple sentences in a lecture. Ah well.

Also, why is it that the only time I don't bring a mapped-out 4 year plan to a meeting with Prof Brown, and Joe does, I look like an idiot?

So the excursion to the humane society also reminded me of my mom's other dog, Shadow - a Belgian Shepherd (Groenendael variety). She was the dog I knew while I was growing up - I remember getting her when I was much younger (age 7?). She herded me and my little sister (and our friends) around the yard all the time, nipping at our heels. She was always there to hug, and very affectionate. You couldn't put her on a leash for a walk - she'd circle you so many times, the leash would wind around your legs and trip you. Not even the dog obedience and training classes helped that. ;) She battled bone cancer, survived for a couple years after the amputation of a shattered leg, and finally died of cancer the summer after my freshman year.
With a dog like her in my childhood, it's no wonder I'm a dog person.

Pictures of Groenendaels (they're gorgeous dogs):
head shot:

all of one female, pretty similar to Shadow:




belgian male:

Just got back from the Humane Society. Arthi and Jenny had cajoled me into driving them there to adopt a rabbit ("We want to name him Fakewich!"), after getting the cage, the color-coordinated water bottle and feed trough (they're purple), and the necessary food. They don't have her yet - she still needs to be spayed - but she's an adorable black and white rabbit, and I'm sure she'll fit right in up in Hell...

While Jenny and Arthi spent their time looking for the rabbits and awww!-ing over the puppies, I admit that I was drawn to the older dogs. I remember going to the Humane Society of Longview with my family and picking out my first cat, Whiskers (yeah, not so imaginative, but I was only 8). He was a several-year-old huge orange, yellow and white striped tabby, and though I was leaning towards the adorable black and white kittens in the next cage, my parents talked me into Whiskers. Their reasoning was based on the euthanasia dates set for the animals. The kittens had another month, and were already being fawned over by the other two families who were there. The orange tabby had only another 3 days - sure, he wasn't as playful or cuddly as the kittens, but he was certainly affectionate, and no one at all had inquired about him. It didn't seem fair. How could I say no?

Today, I was drawn to at least three dogs I would've gladly taken home (but Red would never forgive me... never mind that I don't have space or time for a dog right now). The first who caught my eye, a beautiful 2-year-old black golden/lab retriever mix, was nursing 4 2-month-old rottweiler/retriever mix puppies. She was extremely affectionate and personable when I approached her, and was thrilled to have someone paying attention to her... as many as 10 people exclaimed over the pups while I was there, but not a hand was extended to the mother. She was horribly thin, her ribs poking through her long, matted fur - she'd been found on the streets with her pups about a week ago. How can someone justify abandoning a nursing mother on the streets, when there's a humane society that would take them in and provide new homes for them? Happily, I saw her led out of the cage about 20 minutes after I'd left her, and later heard that someone was considering adopting her. Whoever gets her will be a really lucky owner.

The next was a 5-year-old reddish cocker spaniel mix... a real gentleman. I must have spent at least 10 minutes with him. He was ecstatic when I stroked his head and scratched behind his ears, grinning widely with his tongue lolling out - seems like he doesn't get much attention. No wonder, since the puppies are kept several cages away. But he was so affectionate, so well behaved, I'm amazed someone hasn't taken him yet. Hopefully he'll go soon, as he's part of the new "free senior pets for seniors" plan at the humane society. Good way to get some of the older pets out of the society and into new homes.

Finally, there was the 2 year old norwegian something-hound (lundhund?) mix. She was lying down in the shade when I paused by her pen, but immediately got up and trotted over. Absolutely beautiful - kind of like a husky, but with a narrower snout and a slightly less muscular body (especially as her ribs were showing through). She was very affectionate, very personable - again, I don't understand why no one's taken her yet. She's been there for several weeks at this point, and she'd make someone really happy. I can't justify euthanizing a healthy, affectionate animal who would be a fantastic companion... but no one bothered to give her a glance in the ten minutes I was there. Plenty of people came through looking at the puppies on either side, but not a one stopped and gave her a chance. I don't understand.

Don't get me wrong. Raising an animal from an early age is a great way to ensure that they have the training that you'd like them to acquire, as well as preventing them from acquiring bad habits or experiencing abuse. But I cannot understand why someone would choose a puppy over a well-trained, affectionate older animal. 2-year-olds are fantastic, especially if they've been house-trained - they've gotten over the chewing phase, and aren't going to mistake your fingers for nipples and gnaw on them (or your furniture) with their needle-like teeth. They're every bit as faithful and wonderful as a puppy, and perhaps even better, because they know what it's like to be abandoned, to lose an owner, and they really appreciate the care you give them. Even a 5-year-old is a good bet - a healthy hybrid could easily live another 7-10 years. My mother's German shepherd mix, Minka, lived a good 18 years before she had to be put to sleep. And that's just for a medium-sized dog. Small ones can live for 20 years if they're lucky.

Enough ranting. Just think about why you're going for the cute, young animals over the older ones at the shelter. Consider who's more likely to be adopted, and how much longer the shelter will support them before euthanasia (it's usually on the cage tag). And choose wisely.

Final word on the topic - the Humane Society's taking volunteer applications all the time. If you're interested in working in any aspect of the shelter, then they'd probably love to hear from you. Arthi's probably going to apply and go for it over the summer. And the more I think about it, the better it sounds... I'd get to work with dogs and other small animals at least once a week, either training or giving attention to socialize them and make them more adoptable. It's tempting. And after being around dogs my whole life, as well as training a couple of them, I think it's something I could do to make a difference. I guess I'll have to see if I have enough time during the next month, but I'll probably apply for next year. It seems like the right thing to do.

I don't think I've ever felt as frustrated and worthless after riding at 3D Farms as I did today. I've ridden the same horse, Boo, for the past two months. As a result, I've become pretty good at communicating with him, learning to anticipate his reactions. I've taken a few spills, but learned an awful lot - and I love Boo, he's an absolute sweetheart.

Today, I rode the El Diablo of the horse world. A piebald gelding, Moncho is now my personal nightmare. It's like riding a slug... you sit there wearing out your boot leather trying to convince him to go, and he does just the bare minimum to get you to quit bothering him. And stops as soon as you cease applying pressure. (All this while my left hip is still acting up from the fall last week - still hurts when posting, not back to normal yet.) Not only this, but the bastard bites too! I now have several new bruises on my hands and arms, all acquired from this SOB with no provocation at all.

I've never, ever wanted to beat the living daylights out of an animal before today. Humans, sure - I've met a select few whom I'd take a lot of pleasure in beating into a pulp to show them the error of their ways (or at least had the occasional daydream about this sort of thing). But before today, I could say that even if I was displeased with an animal's reactions, I could understand why they had reacted that way - it wasn't malicious, just the way they were. Like Boo. So I came off - I was frustrated, I cried, but I understood that when he ducked his head, he was just having a little fun after making the jump. And I could deal with that by raising my hands and preventing his head from lowering in the first place. But with Moncho, it's just pure malice. The damn horse bit me when I was scratching behind his ears and talking sweetly to him, for crying out loud! Not to mention bucking his hindquarters, tossing his head the whole lesson, and generally being a total jerk. I hate to say it, but I had visions of beating him dancing through my head. Worst horse ever.

Yussanne, I can't believe you put up with him for so long. If I get him next week, I'll cry. Boo could be frustrating at times, but he was never malicious. I can deal with spooky horses, no problem - it's all in remaining calm and remembering that you're in control, because if you convince them it's ok, then everything's fine (if not, everything's shot to hell, you both panic and feed off the other's fear, and you're coming off in under a minute). But with this bastard, it's going to take brute strength and not putting up with any crap from him, forcing him to do what I want with leg, rein and crop, instead of a calm mind, steady hands, and finesse. -sigh- I miss Boo already.

Thank goodness I had an awesome orchestra concert to balance the frustration from riding today. The Moldau (Smetana) went pretty well - a little shaky at parts, not quite together sometimes, but considering how little work we put into it over the past several weeks, I'm not complaining. The Sacred Service wasn't as well received by the crowd, it seemed, probably because it's awfully long and somewhat modern. It has really neat chord progressions and odd shifts, but it takes a while to understand and enjoy them, I think. In any case, it's fun. :)

Aight... on to work for this weekend:
-read two books (or more!) for h 97
-begin h 161 paper due this friday
-work on german labs, etc
-run errands for sandy for associates' tea on sunday

I think I can do all this and check out the preview of Scourge cards tomorrow with Andrea Mc and Dan... still not sure whether to play or not, but I'd at least like to take a look at the cards, 'cause they sound interesting.

To close, a quote from Tina ( I think):
"First D&D, now Magic. I don't understand - you're getting nerdier now, AFTER switching from bio to history??"
1) I blame Sam. ;) And Dan. It's all their fault. Really.
2) I still don't look or act it, now do I? Tina: "Great, so that makes you a closet nerd?"
(Tina, you're hilarious. And right on the money, as usual.)

Aight. Time for sleep, methinks - catch you guys later.

Thank goodness today's over, and I made it through everything I had to (writing a review paper on a linguistics paper, then revising a german essay, then trying to finish h 161 reading, then coming up with an outline for my h 97 paper). 'Course, I probably wouldn't have had to do so much in so little time if I hadn't gone to the Matrix:Reloaded last night... but I couldn't resist the free ticket to a movie I've been waiting to see for a while.

My take on the movie? I'm impressed. Occasionally I found myself thinking, "Ah, yet another fight scene." At times it was a tad formulaic - explanation of background, fight scene, repeat. Not that this is a bad thing, just something I noticed.
The beginning I found a little slow. Not sure why, but it just didn't flow as well to me. Maybe it's because I wasn't so awed by the exterior of the ships... though the mainframe Zion computer was pretty darn cool. :) Manipulating data in realspace looks awesome.
What I really enjoyed about the movie was the character development. We finally see another side of Neo and Trinity, as well as Morpheus, the Oracle... the characters in this movie just seem more human, more fleshed out. They aren't your cardboard cutout archetype figures anymore. I've already heard a few complaining about the amount of skin shown in the montage switching between the Zion population and Trinity and Neo - honestly, I've seen worse in German films. It served a good purpose in emphasizing an extremely important characteristic of humans which distinguishes from machines: the expression of emotion. Viewed this way, and considering that love later determines the fate of Neo and (supposedly) of Zion, it's not just another gratuitous sex scene. It serves a purpose, and does an excellent job of it.

Speaking of Trinity, the more I see of her, the more I like her. She's a warrior, a fighter to the core, but there's now the element of tenderness, of vulnerability. She's emotionally strong, faithful to her friends, and willing to put her life on the line to save those she loves. And there's that slight sarcastic edge to her, her strong will, the jealousy she displays, which makes her real in my eyes. She has foibles, she's not perfect... I can understand her. I didn't find myself questioning her actions - everything she did made sense to me.

Aight, that's enough for tonight. Time to go do something useful instead of sitting here..

Amusing Clips:

Arthi, begging for a ride to Matrix Reloaded: i promise promise promise to keep my hands to myself
(unfortunately, she didn't once we got back to Blacker)
Sandy, earlier today re Ass Tea: Kirsten, can I have your soul?... What about your body?

Apparently, people can't keep their hands off me nowadays. ;)
---
Addendum!

Arthi: ...i was reading your blogspot thing today because i was intensely bored, and i noticed the clip from sandy "can i have your soul, what about your body?" i just wanted to tell you that i totally suggested giving my body to sandy instead of my soul BEFORE she asked for yours. so not only was the idea not sandy's, but she TURNED ME DOWN before asking for yours. that is all.

Wow. Someone wants my body instead of Arthi's!! -wicked grin- Thanks Arthi, you just made my day. ;)

Next year's going to rock!

I'll be in a nice large room (with a balcony!!!) in Pub, with Sam LL on one side and Greg on the other, and Mick, Pat, Mike D, and Phil down the hall. And a lot more good friends are just downstairs in Swamp and Kremlin - Yussanne, Rebecca, Andrea S, Brian, Sarah... Senior year's gonna be awesome. :) I can't see how it could be anything less, with friends living all around me. I'll just need to give some thought to furniture arrangements, so I don't end up with the same problems as this year. Top of the list? I plan to keep the sink area available for use at all times... no desk in front of it THIS time!

Anyway, I'm impressed - the roompick went really smoothly this year. Congrats to Rebecca for running it so well. :) No brawls at all, much to the chagrin of the seniors - though there might have indeed been one, had Sam actually been serious about moving into infinity (Rebecca was already in zero... and Yussanne had planned to take infinity. Also, the two rooms share a bathroom. And I was hoping Sam would live next to me next year. So he would've had to face three Furies ;).

I just wish that no one had been booted... Tina and Katie decided to move off together and take over Minta and Pino's apt on Chester. That way, neither of them will get screwed for a pick senior year - but it'll be sad to not have 'em oncampus, 'cause they're both cool people (and Tina's hilarious... no sheets on the bed next year, eh? you're terrible ;). I'll have to go visit them next year.

Aight - as I've got a german exam due tomorrow at 2, I believe it's time to get cracking on some sleep and wake up with ample time to study. Night all, and take care.

Ever mindful that my time here is rapidly running out, I'm looking for possible grad schools in classical and/or medieval history and archaeology. Current ideas:
http://www.utexas.edu/depts/classics/ (the classical archaeology program looks like fun - AND they offer (and encourage!) study abroad with the Freie Universitat Berlin for grad students)
http://www.admin.cam.ac.uk/univ/gsprospectus/subjects/history.html (but expensive without a stipend... and therefore unlikely.)
http://www.rhodesscholar.org/ (for study at oxford)
http://www.admin.ox.ac.uk/gsp/courses/humanities/hist.shtml#research
http://www.admin.ox.ac.uk/gsp/courses/humanities/clas.shtml#dept2
http://www.tcd.ie/Medieval_History/gradstudy.html (also very unlikely without a stipend)

I just wish I knew where I was headed after here. I guess I'll have a better idea after the field school this summer, but I want to know now. I'm trying not to worry, but it's hard sometimes... All I know now is that I don't really want to stay around here (the air's too bad, and there's just too much city), and I don't want to go back to Longview (might as well give up on all my dreams right now if I did that). And I'd kind of like to bring my dog along... because I miss him, and I probably won't know anyone where I'm going. Austin's tempting because it's ~5-6 hours away from what I've always called 'home', and worst comes to worst, I can always drive back on weekends to see my dog.
I'm just curious as to where I'll go, where everyone else will end up, what we'll all do with our lives and with what we've learned here. I don't want this year to go by any faster, I'm just asking for prescience... or at the very least, a little peace of mind. That's not too much to ask, right?

Musings. Don't expect much coherence:

I'd forgotten how much hope and love could be in someone's eyes. On one level, I'm amazed (and happy) that someone could love me so much - sometimes I feel I have so many faults that no one in their right mind would love me. On another, deeper level, it scares me a little, because I can only hope that I won't break that trust and hurt him, however unintentionally. I am only human. I don't want to cause anyone pain. But some days, it seems like no matter what I do, any and every action I take will harm someone indirectly. I can't foresee all ends, all interactions. I'm not omniscient.

Knowing this and my limitations, what can I do?

And why aren't I wiser by now? After all the mistakes I've made, I feel so old... I thought I'd learned at least a little wisdom through my faults and shortcomings. Yet I still fail to see things that should have been clear at the time until I spend time musing in retrospect. And sometimes, I can't or don't know how to help someone - I feel like I'm letting them down by not being able to make things all right.

I feel like a petulant little kid for asking "Why?" to all these things, but I can't think of anything better to say. I want to help people I care about, but I don't feel like I can do enough to make a measurable difference, and I fear everything else will backfire.

-sigh- I give up. Enough of this analysis, I'm sleeping before my concert. Come hear it - Tuesday at noon in Dabney Lounge. Pieces by Quantz, Mozart, and Flor Peeters, for flute, bassoon and clarinet (harpsichord on the first).

Good session last night - a thorough rout of the bandits who tried to raid our fake caravan of goods coming from Alesandrus's camp. Mainly thanks to the careful planning of Richard, Melvin, and Toes, I might add... Lyra was off trying to scout the area, but it didn't work at all. -sigh- One area of forest looks like another when you're flying overhead. At least the scrying helped - we knew beforehand that the leader of the bandits, Dallagher, was still encamped with about half his force in the forest. And one of them knows how to speak with squirrels - another druid? That would be odd...
Also, it looks like Richard had a latent magical talent - he was muttering the whole time that the bandits were approaching him. As they accosted him and demanded he dismount and lay down his weapons, he drew his sword and yelled the last syllable of the Bless spell (gives +1 accuracy to offense of your companions in a 50 foot radius, I think). He did say he'd signal, but yikes... another spellcaster in the party. Wow. This'll be fun. :)
With the Bless spell, the archers concealed in the wagons and protected by tower shields, and the infantrymen, we managed to rout the bandits in 5 turns flat (~8-10 seconds a turn... so under a minute? We get better every time ;). Also, Lyra's bear came roaring out of the forest and helped take out one of the highwaymen! She brought him along in order to continue training him (against the wishes of the party...because she didn't want to leave him so close to the camp - she feels responsible for him, and didn't want any problems to occur with him and the soldiers while she was out on mission.) Richard gave her a tongue-lashing for that (or tried, at least) when she finally arrived in camp - yes, he had told her not to bring Caderyn. But Lyra's not exactly under Richard's command, but rather an equal and companion. And Richard's main concern was that the bear would endanger the mission. Anticipating this, she'd told Caderyn to remain in the forest and trail the caravan, so he wouldn't scare the soldiers or horses, or give them away. But she didn't think to see him in the thick of battle. -grins- That bandit was awfully surprised when Caderyn came charging out of the woods and sank his teeth into her thigh. Of course, this timely distraction prevented the thief from getting a good shot at Lyra with her crossbow. Unfortunately, Caderyn didn't finish her off, but the infantryman certainly did. And he didn't receive even a scratch! Lyra was easily able to calm the raging bear (yaay for druid skills) and lope off towards the thieves' camp with both him and Lacha. Can't wait to see how he does when he's fully trained. :)

Unfortunately, it sounds like Mike's going to leave us - gaming's putting extra stress on him, and at a place like tech, that's just not good. We'll miss you, Mike. :( Wish you didn't have to leave. It's not going to be the same without you playing Richard. Take care of yourself, and hope you can rejoin us sometime in the future...

Thanks, Tina!!
http://money.cnn.com/2003/05/07/pf/saving/q_jobless_grads/index.htm

Apparently, I'll probably be making more as a History major than as a Biology major, and if current trends continue, it only gets better for me :)

Also on that site: http://money.cnn.com/2003/05/02/pf/college/q_backhome/index.htm
I confess, I find it strange that people would think about moving back in with their parents. Then again, if I want to pursue a career in history (unless it's grade school teaching... and that's not what I had in mind), I sure can't go back to Longview... so I guess it's a moot point for me.

More gems from mutedfaith.com's list of famous last words before an untimely demise:

"The DM's an idiot." (possibly my favorite. -grins- of course that doesn't apply to Sam...)
"YO! Grendel! Your momma wears combat boots!"
"I'll poke it with my sword.."
"No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell won't work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I'll prove it."
"Ya know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him right if we set his precious forest on fire." (or ate her hawk, eh Toes? hmph.)
--
Player: So uh, the goblins are all dead/gone right?
DM: Right.
Player: Huzzah! Well, I'll go ahead and jump down from the tree now... ::long pause:: OH Shit!! The caltrops!
--
"Nah, we won't take watch."
"I'm going to sleep."
"I thought HE had watch..!"

Thoughts for the day:

I like Andrea Mc's white magic deck... it's a bunch of enchantments which become creatures as opponents play creature spells. Also, it has Pegasus cards :) and I'm a sucker for flying horses. And good art. It's just *fun* to play it.... unlike my deck at this point. Ah well. Hopefully that'll be fixed once I take Dan, Sam and Abby to the Magic store in Old Pas. Maybe I'll even have enough decent cards to make a green deck? Now *that* would be fun... my black/white deck is beginning to lose its appeal, probably because I've played so much with it since the draft tournament early this term. -shrugs- We'll see.

Riding was... interesting today. Boo was being a little dicey - apparently, he'd been ridden at a cross country event earlier that week, and was still running around 'balls-to-the-wall, pedal-to-the-metal' frisky. And he ditched me again after going over a pole with his usual trick: throwing his head down after he finishes the fence (wait, where'd the neck go?!). That was possibly my worst fall ever - managed to clear the hooves, but landed on my left hip, then my head slammed back against the ground. Good thing helmets are required. No concussion, only dazed, but I was so frustrated with my failure to keep him from doing that or to stay on, I started crying. It's just been that kinda week, I guess - I haven't felt very clever or sharp for most of this week, and I haven't been able to pull out of that slump yet. After a hug and commiseration from Davee and Yussanne, I got back on and did it again - damn well got it right too. He tried his trick that time too, but I was able to keep his head up, halt him immediately and back him up (gets their attention, and shows them they weren't listening). I felt better that I was able to counter it correctly the next time... I just wish my left hip didn't hurt so much right now. Argh.
I grant that I've learned a lot over the past 4 months, especially riding Boo, because he's so young and still has a lot to learn. I just wish that I could remember exactly how to counter tricks like this - he ditched me a couple months ago with the same trick, AFTER I'd managed to stay on the first time. Yussanne pointed out that the circumstances change every time this happens - you can't always stay on, even if you're a good rider. I just wish I could be consistently good, I guess. Then again, there's no way I could have ridden this guy a year ago, when I first started at TES. I've definitely made progress. :)


Found a site with RP 'famous last words'. In honor of Lyra's survival, here's what could have been her:
"Hah! I'm not dead yet. I still have five hit points."
"He hit me for HOW MUCH?????"

Thought of the day (evening?): Target's a wonderful place... where you can not only get cheap, nice-looking, comfy sandals, but also dark chocolate kisses. :) Ah, creature comforts - they aren't necessary or sufficient to happiness, but they're nice to have around. Also, it's good to have sandals that aren't sliding off my feet when I walk.

On an unrelated note, I've never before had someone tell me that I took up a lot of their attention when I'm just sitting nearby... -grins- I'm flattered. Do your work then, love.

Goodness, it seems like the days of this term are flying by. I'm shocked that midterms just went thundering by, and I only have another 5.5 weeks here before everyone leaves for summer. Yikes. And then, it's less than a month till I leave for Ireland.

The closer it gets, the more I think that travelling on my own is going to be kinda scary - definitely good for me, and a great experience, but a little frightening (perhaps 'daunting' is a better word). I think I'll be fine, but it's going to take a little effort to get out of my shell and talk to people I meet. I can do it, but it's not the most natural thing for me. Being an introvert is fine, but I don't think I can afford the luxury of solitude when I'm living in a hostel and trying to make the most of my time in an Irish village... much less when I'm in the field school on Achill Island. I've gotten an impression of a few of the people who'll be in my session, and they seem nice enough. Hopefully we'll all get along famously - if there's any justice in this world, I won't have to deal with another couple of people like those two sisters who were such absolute nightmares on the Rotary Exchange to Austria. Such gossiping, rude, ungrateful bitches... my god, they were awful. After having to live with them, the faults of anyone else I've ever met pale in comparison. Please, please let my housemates in the field school be better than that...

Ok, enough wandering of thoughts. Time to crack down on the german.

Almost forgot. -wicked grin-

I helped Sangeeta and Joe move into their new apartment in Santa Monica on Sunday afternoon (and wow is it nice). The last thing we used the truck for was a mattress and box spring for their new queen size four poster bed (also really nice). Anyway, we'd managed to maneuver the box spring into the door with a little luck - the entranceway is kinda narrow and stairs and a wall running parallel to the walkway. We decided not to try to get the mattress through the door, but rather to hoist it over the balcony wall right outside their ground floor glass doors.
So Joe, strong fellow that he is, begins to hoist the mattress up and prepares to heave it over the wall (involves some tottering back and forth - really funny, when you can only see the top of the mattress waving back and forth, then falling back into the other side of the walkway :). Sangeeta's on the balcony, ready to grab an edge and pull when it comes up. And I'm hanging onto the box spring, making sure it doesn't fall over and into the way of the mattress when it comes in the door. Suddenly, right before Joe heaves the mattress up to the balcony, the phone rings. Sangeeta immediately goes to answer it. Joe, not realizing that she's gone to get the phone, summons his strength and heaves up - only to find no one there to grab the mattress.
"SANGEETA?! WHERE ARE YOU??"
"I'm answering the phone!"
"You're WHAT?! Don't do that! Help me with the mattress!"
"Hang on a minute!"
"You're answering the phone?? -sputtering from under the mattress- It's like sex - you just keep going and let it ring!! "

Hehehe. Needless to say, at that point the box spring fell over, because I was laughing so hard at the tableau in front of me... :)

Moral: Sangeeta and Joe together are hilarious. Wish they were closer...

Flicking, so why not...:

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Druid


Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Secondary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Deity:
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)


---
Not quite Lyra, that (Lyra's a true neutral druid). But close enough, I suppose... I intended to model her after myself, with fewer inhibitions, a little more aggressiveness/toughness, and magic. I think it worked. She's extremely protective of her sister and companions, though not adverse to using torture and scare tactics against captured enemies. She's scared Melvin a few times with her 'bloodthirstiness' - he even called her evil yesterday. But really, it's more of a "how dare they harm my 'family'... they'll never do that again once I'm through with them" attitude. It's intended more as fierce protectiveness than being 'evil'. There is a difference.

Also, Lyra now has a brown bear! (And I've finally decided on names for Lyra's animal companions: the hawk is "Shea": hawklike or stately, and the grizzly is "Caderyn": battle king, both of Gaelic origin) Though the rest of the party isn't so enamoured of him, he's fantastic. :) And he'll be a real boon once she teaches him to attack on command... he'll pack quite a wallop. Though everyone laughed at me when I suggested that she might be able to ride him to give the image of 'bad-ass druid'. -sigh- She's just irritated by the wizards' view of druids. Honestly, they're such close-minded prats. Would YOU disrespect someone who's been an integral part of a well-known special forces/surveillance team, who's gotten them out of serious scrapes time and time again with her damned good healing spells? Recall, most wizards can't heal themselves at all. Never mind her decent supply of offensive magic, which has helped secure victory for her band on several occasions. Never mind that Lyra spent quite a few spells and used her considerable nonmagical skill healing soldiers during and after the battle - otherwise, the army might have lost another 10-15 men. Never mind that she ensured that Alesandrus could question a Snaketongue Assassin by neutralizing the poison hidden within his fake tooth with her magic. Never mind that she helped catch the assassin by *tracking* the scent of the poison to his concealed stash of weapons and poison as a shape-shifted wolf (something that wizards can't do... only druids can shapeshift at will). Never mind that she's always been ready and willing to heal a wizard working for Alesandrus's cause. Never mind that she very nearly died during the last battle, when she healed Melvin (a childhood friend, and a wizard to boot) instead of herself, then took the brunt of another Fireball.*

But no, all that means *nothing* to most wizards. It's always "Oh, you're nothing but a hedgewizard. We obviously can't expect much from you." Just like yesterday. Melvin doesn't know how to scribe a magical scroll, and they don't question his ignorance. But if Lyra doesn't know? Clearly she's a half-wit and incapable of higher levels of understanding, merely because she can channel natural magic as a druid, but isn't a wizard and hasn't had their formal training. After all, druids are nothing but savages. How dare they think to rank themselves equal to a wizard.

Dammit. Druids get no respect. Try working without a druid's healing spells, and see how far you get in a pitched battle, you priggish, intolerant mages. Even if he hasn't had formal training, I'll take Melvin's company over yours any day of the week.

----

*- She was at -9 with that second Fireball blast, and -10 means death. For you non-D&D people, a person who's below 0 rolls a die every round - if you roll a 1, the character stabilizes on their own. Anything else means you lose a point. And I was up to roll after just two rounds of other characters... and you have to be right next to someone to heal or stabilize them.

I honestly thought she was going to die. I was extremely upset over this - I've gotten comfortable playing her, and I really like who she is and how she's turning out, and I couldn't imagine playing another character... and what about Lacha, her half-sister? Who would take care of her? (hopefully our band of companions...)
Thank goodness Melvin stabilized her (brought her back to zero hit points). And thank goodness a wild-shape gives the equivalent of a full day's rest (so she was at 6 points after shifting to wolf form). We managed to pull through that one, even if we didn't manage to save Alesandrus. -sigh-

Goodness, what a day.

-riding: no riding. because it began raining a little before we got to the stables... :( but we ended up blanketing a lot of the horses for Davee, so at least we got to be around horses for a while. but no riding :(

-came back to yussanne and rebecca's apt, and started talking to them. it's been a long, long time since I've talked to either of them without anything else to do, and I'd forgotten how much fun it was just to shoot the breeze with them. They're great :) It's good that they'll be oncampus next year.

And hopefully, I will be too. It looks like all but one of the socteam frosh want to live off next year, so there may be a socteam pick up for grabs. We'll see.

Tired. maybe I'll go to sleep soon.

Because it's been a flicking kind of day...

You are a muse.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

metal pipe in courtyard: 1
my door: 1
metal soapdish in shower: 3
bookcase on floor: 1

me: OW.

If only I could go a day without injuring myself... what's happened to my spatial awareness?? Argh.