The new new new list of grad schools:
UCLA
Stanford
Harvard
Columbia
Yale, Princeton ('on principle')
UT Austin (backup)

It's been a long time since I've felt this bummed out the entire day. I hate feeling like I'm going to cry any minute; it unnerves me.

funny stories I need to post someday:
Arcadia/Arcada GRE story
story of Sam's thwarted GRE appointment due to expired ID
200 days (don't worry, I was fine)
??

Stay tuned for more interesting things... or not. I've got to get cracking on statements of purpose very shortly, or I'll start missing grad school deadlines.

Why we all love Joe:

NASATimp: "Kirsten was smashed last night, and I hear she's not doing anymore history tonight, either--just more drinking"
NASATimp: "She said something about how the most important thing she learned from the Germany trip was that history and booze DO mix"

------

Also, the new new list of grad schools:
UCLA
Stanford
Harvard
Columbia

apply 'on principle'
yale, princeton

nixed
UMich Ann Arbor
UT Austin
WMU at Kalamazoo

You're a GENERAL BIOPHILE!

Specifics aside, you're a science geek, or more
specifically, a Bio-geek. Everthing about life
interests you, and you seem to reflect that in
your social life and ideology. You love to
learn, and more than likely have a horde of
biophile friends who do was well.


What kind of Biophile are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are water. You're not really organic; you're
neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid
and a base at the same time. You're strong
willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready
to flow. So while you often seem worthless,
without you, everything would just not work.
People should definitely drink more of you
every day.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Verbal: 720
Math: 780
Analytical Writing: feel pretty good about it

Should I have studied more? Probably. Do I want to take it again? Heavens no!

Ugh, I'm tired. Gotta manage my time better, and NOT miraculously sleep through the alarm...

the 'new' list of grad schools I'm applying to:
UCLA (geary and rapp want to talk to me, yaay!)
Stanford
WMU at Kalamazoo
Harvard
Columbia

apply 'on principle'
yale, princeton

currently on hold/possibly nixed
UMich Ann Arbor
UT Austin

You'll laugh at me, I'm sure. But whenever I look at the relationship I have with Sam, I'm in shock. I marvel that nothing terrible has happened within the past 9 months. Sure, we've disagreed at times, and misunderstood each other... but we've worked it out. No major arguments. No communication breakdown. No serious avoidance, no resentment, no neglect. No big scary things looming out of nowhere, or nightmarish stomachaches from stress and worry.

I'm at a loss to express how amazing this is. I don't feel overwhelmed, or underappreciated, or in pain. I just feel warm and happy. The odd thing is that I'm surprised. For the longest time I equated love with pain, with vulnerability and weakness - never feeling good enough, always emotionally vulnerable to offhand, thoughtless comments and actions from the person I trusted (and yes, i still remember a lot, though i've actively tried to forget), and a host of other awful things. I'd made a point to get over the anger and self-loathing I felt before I started dating Sam - I didn't want this to be a 'rebound' relationship. I thought I'd dealt with most of the these issues and overcome them before beginning anew. I never thought I'd still be reacting to issues from sophomore year at this point. -sigh- At least it's only mild and not unpleasant...

It's also an indescribable relief to realize that all that was NOT typical, and that lo and behold, I am loved and valued by a truly wonderful guy (not to mention my terrific friends). Life is wonderful, if a little hectic.

My only regret? I wish I'd remembered this was how love was supposed to feel a year ago...

-----
heard on the radio the other day:

Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'd never ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love

What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open my door
Surprise...It's time
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No longer needs to be defensive
Goodbye, old you
When love is true

Miss guarded heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you want to use that line you better not start, no
But she miscalculated
She didn't want to end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
So, by changing her misconceptions
She went in a new direction
And found inside she felt a connection
She fell in love.

What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open my door (open my door)
Surprise...It's time (yeah)
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No longer needs to be defensive
Goodbye (goodbye), old you (oh you)
When love, when love is true

When Miss Independence walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I finally feel...

What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open my door
Surprise (surprise), it's time (yeah)
To feel (to feel) what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No longer needs to be defensive
Goodbye (goodbye), old you
When love, when love is true...
-Kelly Clarkson

Oh goodness, what a day.

I woke up early this morning to do that latin translation, after 5 hours of sleep. About 30 minutes into it, I realized that a) I wouldn't get all of it done, even if I'd worked the entire 2 hours before the meeting with brown, and b) German is probably more important (since I'm getting graded on it and all), and I didn't want to not study and race through the test.

5 minutes later, after one pleading email to brown, I went back to sleep. Unfortunately, my idiot alarm decided to go off every 10-15 minutes and prevent me from getting an hour of continuous sleep.

Anyway, ended up with enough time to study a little before taking the exam, and I didn't feel very rushed. Unfortunately, ended the exam right before class, so yussanne and I didn't have time to review the dialogue... but that's ok, we did fine with charles. It'd be easier if it was just yussanne and I working together, though. one less person to coordinate times with...

after german and art history: coffeee. mmmm. and a krab/cucumber roll. I have to start eating at normal times, this can't be good for me.

spent a while talking to ben p, valerie, jonathan g, a few others in the lounge. for some reason, I get the feeling that the people here are amazingly straightforward and outspoken compared to many outside tech, and it's refreshing.

then spent several hours coming up with a silkscreen design. found a wicked cool zoomorphic dog with celtic knots - had to change the colors and resize, which was pretty irritating. ended up using a smaller one, inking over the lines, resizing with the copier and using the xacto knife to cut out the bits that weren't clear or were too large. it took a while. but the field trip to the interactive 3d virtual reality painting program in boothe was supercool - i've never gotten to paint in 3d before. Sam, you missed out. ;)

unfortunately, my plans of leaving at 10 and attending a meeting were shot down when i was stupid about burning the design into the screen. i didn't remove the plastic sheet from the screen (bad kirsten! though neither did the frosh who was working alongside me) and 50 minutes later, after the squirt nozzle had blown off the tubing and drenched me with hot water, jim came back and found out what i was doing wrong. -sigh- but it was salvageable! we just rescreened 'em onto other screens and replaced those. so i'm all set to screen another shirt next time. hooray!

unfortunately, it also took till 11. :( i'm tired.

I love my kid sister. I got to help her out with a precal problem earlier today - neither mom nor she could figure out what was wrong, but they couldn't get a meaningful answer. Kirsten to the rescue! I was able to remember how to solve this kind of problem - go me! I haven't forgotten all the math I ever knew, contrary to my assumptions. Hooray!

Unfortunately, my time management is still not as good as it could be. I have a good 25 lines worth of Latin to translate from the Vulgate Bible. Translation's fun, sure... but when there's a German exam to study for and finish tomorrow before class at 12:30, and I know I'm losing an hour between 10 and 11 for discussing the translation with Brown... yeah. I'm tired already. And I *know* I'm going to confuse some Latin with my German when I'm taking that exam. Since I've resuscitated the Latin skills, whenever I'm trying to piece together a sentence in German, I come up with odd Latin remnants bubbling to the surface of my mind (let's see, 'by'... that's a, or an ablative absolute... NO that's Latin, what's the German? oh yeah, 'von', takes the dative). It's funny though. And I'm still doing ok in German, though I'd like to do better. Gotta buckle down and make flashcards, memorize all the vocabulary and grammar again. But it's worth it.

BUT enough negativity. I've been pretty happy lately, and I plan to stay that way. Just need to stay on the ball with work, GRE studying and grad school applications and not spend too much time flicking. Oddly enough, I haven't worried much at all since I resolved to quit last week, and I've gotten a fair chunk o' stuff done. Yaay me.

Anyway, enough writing for fun. I think I'm going to sleep for five hours, do this translation, brush up on german, maybe start the exam, meet with brown, finish the german exam, and go to german and art history. I think I'll be collapsing around 3. Someone please make sure I go to silkscreening, as I don't want to miss another class...

There's another hum/ss major who isn't a double major in science! Hooray! Welcome to the dark side... I mean the wonderful world of communication, perspective and interpretation, Jonathan!

(Yeah, so Sam pointed out that there are usually a few here at the same time... but this is the first one who's in my house and whom I know fairly well. I'm excited. :)

It's neat - once I give up worrying about the future all the time, I can enjoy the moment a lot more, and the company of people I'm with. Every moment becomes happier and more precious. There's a lot to be said for not worrying. Now, I just need to keep at it...

Every so often, things shift and take on new meaning, become clearer. For the past several years I have sought solace and security in the face of constant change. I have changed myself in numerous ways, and have become a happier person overall. Yet in the end, I have not become any more secure or peaceful about the future - my worries still bedevil me. And now, when I cannot think of any other things to do to lessen my cares, I wonder if I have run from the very thing that would grant me what I seek. Perhaps it is time to let go of the hostility, accept that I will have unanswerable questions, and embrace hope and faith.

Turning over a new leaf:
-try to pray/meditate more, in order to
-relax more, and let things work themselves out as they will. don't worry about tomorrow. live in the moment and relish the company and people who are with me now.
-accept that I don't know what will happen tomorrow. work ahead to ensure everything gets done, but don't fret about the future
-quit wasting so much time on useless things and use the time to clean my room, finish things that should be done, keep up with classes, spend time with the people I love.
-stop feeling guilt over the little things and apologizing for everything.
-reward myself when I've accomplished something positive along these lines

Thanks for the card and the long talk earlier today, Mom. I love you, and I don't know what I'd do without you. And it looks like I'm still unwittingly walking in your footsteps...

Verpasselnde Sprachen ("Missed conversations" (I think))
OR
Reactions to an earlier post.

(Might I point out that I like it when this place promotes interesting conversations. I use this as a sounding board; all the better when it causes others to respond!)

NASATimp: It's fairly shocking to me that the women's center is "worried" about couples getting married. You know, I'd not even thought of it so much as a Blacker thing. It seems to me to be a CCF thing (and there are, or were, lots of CCF people in Blacker). People who are fairly devout Christians tend to get married younger--I'll bet that's consistent no matter what college, field, or level of difficulty. Take Kathy Scott (now Kathy Brantley)--a Flem who got married this summer, but a Christian.

And, taken non-Christians. Sarah and Brian have been living together their entire time here, and Sarah told me way back in freshman year that her primary goal was to have a family and that that was probably more important to her than her career, although she wanted that, too. Is there something wrong with that? It's a personal choice--if the women's center is "worried" about Sarah--well, I would say their worry is misplaced.

Auto response from Flutekw: laundry to washers, call dr. office again, laundry to dryers, call mom again, take sam sandal-shopping, laundry out of dryers, dress dinner, orchestra.

NASATimp: I don't know any engaged or recently-married couples (Blacker, CCF, or otherwise) at Caltech about whom I'd say that they made an objectively poor choice.
-------
NASATimp: RE: the marriage thing and my theory on it being mostly CCF-ers.

Auto response from Flutekw: shower, working on german, german 3-4.

NASATimp: http://www.its.caltech.edu/~ccf/fishline/archives/

The CCF newsletter has been running (no kidding) a series of interviews with their recently married couples called "CCF Marriage Marathon".
NASATimp: Maybe that might give some insight, if you're still honestly worried.
NASATimp signed off at 3:07:43 PM.
NASATimp signed on at 3:07:46 PM.
Flutekw: Hiya Joe,
I didn't mean to give the impression that I was worried - just that the women's center was concerned (though I confess I was curious). I think there are two reasons for their worry - 1) the women's center staff are at least moderate feminists, and therefore want women to pursue careers in science instead of domestic bliss. After all, there's a large gender gap in scientific fields right now - witness the ratio here - and one of the center's objectives is to encourage women to pursue careers in science to close that gap. 2) They're afraid that the women getting married right off plan to devote themselves entirely to family life instead of working in science. Considering some recent marriages, I think (2) might be a well-founded fear - I certainly don't think Vikki intends to pursue math as a career. However, from the posted interview it sounds like that's not true at all of Grace Fabrycky.

Auto response from NASATimp: Ae101, then band dress rehearsal. Then (you guessed it) more Ae101, followed by reading and frantically writing for history. Oh yeah, and sleep (optional).

Flutekw: I agree with you - I think it's a personal choice, and I don't think there's really anything to worry about, as long as the couples have thoroughly discussed their futures. Not every woman here should consider a career in science (same goes for the men). But in light of the above, I'd say the center probably perceives the recent spate of marriages as a personal failure. Thus they're concerned about what they failed to do to encourage those women, even if their choices weren't at all related to the center.
Hope this makes sense, and thanks very much for your opinions and the site address - I figured it was mainly CCFers getting married, and it really helped elucidate the reasons/justification for those marriages. I hadn't known that Sarah had placed family before career, though... but again, she also wants to pursue engineering. She's not going to abandon what she learned here after marriage and become a hausfrau, and I'd say that's their main concern.
Flutekw: anyway, I'd probably better get back to reading up for tomorrow. take care, and good luck!
NASATimp: Kirsten--the counter to the point about Vikki would be that John doesn't intend to do anything in science either!

Auto response from Flutekw: reading history

NASATimp: Maybe, in fact, that's partly what attracted them to each other, who knows.
NASATimp: But I think your guess about the women's center's motivation is probably right on.
-----
Note: I actually agreed with Joe. Does that mean hell's frozen over? ;)

For Kat:


Your Kagome! you like to hang out with your friends
and are always the first person to volunteer to
show a new student around, you are kind and
giving and enjoy having a occasional sleep-over
with the girls!


What Inuyasha Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Kid, you'd also be pleased to know that I spent several hours watching the beginning episodes of Inu-Yasha on Wednesday night... and yes, I will watch it with you when I'm home again. Love you, Kat)

I can still sight-translate! Wheee! My Latin's coming back fairly easily... still a few hitches here and there that I don't remember, but overall it's better than I'd hoped. Thanks Mr. Parsons!

If history doesn't pan out, maybe a career in translation isn't out of reach after all. I'll have a fair grasp of German by the time I leave tech, and then I'll be learning French as well in grad school, if not other languages. I've looked at some of the offerings, and it's enough to make me drool with anticipation: Old Norse, Anglo-Saxon, Old and Middle English... all right, perhaps not so useful in today's world, but fascinating nonetheless.

Investigating the newest Sarah Mclachlan CD, Afterglow, which came out on November 4... may end up buying this one. We'll see. The lyrics certainly look up to her usual standards, even if a number of critics have written negative reviews about her melodic statements.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, another set of lyrics detailing the 'perfect relationship'. It resonates with me, to some degree. I'm curious to see what musical setting she's produced for it.
---
Push

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears, dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

Chorus
You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Chorus

There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

Chorus

Boy do I have a lot to write about, but it's not going to happen till tomorrow. But I did just finish my Latin assignment, and it sure was easy compared to how the first two felt. I wonder if that's because I'm learning the constructions and key words again, or if it's just an easier passage. Guess I'll find out tomorrow...

Other things to discuss (finished 11/11, 2 AM):
A few days ago, I was talking with a few female undergrads about grad school and the subject GREs. I don't remember who started it, but once one person said it, everyone agreed: right now, "mother" looks like a better job than grad school in math/science. Why this feeling? Is it because of the stress in science, the stress at tech, the ratio? Or do females in all majors and colleges experience this? Perhaps it's because we can foresee the difficulties we'll experience in science, and motherhood pales in comparison simply because we cannot foresee the obstacles we'll have to overcome. Or perhaps because it seems so far away for most of us.

Then, later that day or the next, I was talking with Maryam, and we stumbled across the same subject. She's fairly active with the womens' center, and it turns out they're worried about blacker because of recent spate of marriages in the last class, and the general 'married out of tech' phenomenon. They're concerned because these female tech graduates probably aren't using their aquired scientific skills and pursuing careers in science, but instead are falling into a more domestic role while their husbands continue in grad school. Why does it happen? Would it happen at a liberal arts school, or a less demanding tech school? Do women feel like they have a fall-back position because it's still socially acceptable to be a stay-at-home mom? Do men ever feel this way? Or do men not have that option because it's not socially acceptable for them, because they're usually cast as the breadwinner in a family? We raised a lot of questions while I was making those brownies, but I don't think we came up with any solid answers. Of course, it varies from couple to couple, but it'd be interesting to see if there was a trend. You could poll recently graduated couples on occupations and intentions...

Hmm. I sure do sound like a hum/ss major... it'd be an interesting thesis in women's studies, for sure. "Study of Recent Female Caltech Graduates and their Pursuits". In any case, that's a lot of questions, and very few answers as yet.

Where do I fall? Hard to say. I was the outlier for the 'mother sounds like a good job' group - much as I'm beginning to like baking, making meals for the family every night doesn't sound quite so thrilling. Same goes for cleaning (as anyone who's ever seen my room should know). And I think I'd go nuts, just caring for a family day after day - I know that I crave variety in daily activity, and I need to feel like I'm doing something that benefits others and earns me my keep (during the discussion, I added the caveat that I'd be a mother 'as long as I could keep playing gigs as a part time musician, or hold a job as a lecturer'). I don't think I could be a hausfrau and retain my sanity. (Sideline: Though I have to admit, being like the Oracle would be pretty cool when I'm older. The more I watch the Matrix movies, the more I like her... she's just a good grandmotherly/neighborly woman, with a lot of wisdom and sense and terrific chocolate-chip cookies.)

Don't get me wrong; someday it'd be nice to have that kind of security. I think that's one of the important qualities in a relationship - that I feel secure, safe and loved. I'm definitely not a feckless, fancy-free, uninhibited kind of person. The more I've traveled, the more I've realized that I crave stability at home - I like experiencing other kinds of culture, but I need to know that at home, virtually nothing has changed. But right now, I don't know if I'm ready for the marriage kind of stability... not for a few years yet. Maybe it's because I don't know how I'll change in grad school, if I'll change as much as I did in the last four years. I wonder if a relationship, however strong, would last through such drastic changes in personality. Then again, perhaps I've completed most of my metamorphosis, and there are only a few smaller alterations left to finish the change. I'm mainly happy with who I am... sure, I'd like to be more organized, more assertive, less fearful, more confident, but all these are relatively small changes when compared to the major personality upheaval I've had over the past several years. Maybe all these obstacles are just figments of an overactive imagination, and a relationship would last through that time without difficulty. I simply don't know.

In any case, until I decide that I'm mature enough, relationship stability is just right. I'd have to say that since I've been with Sam, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Happiness is a wonderful feeling.

Enough discussing, I'm exhausted. Good night all.

The mantra I need to remember: No one is perfect. You can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to. All you can do is realize you've hit your limit, understand that you can't do anything more to help, relax, and give up.

I think this preference to always be in control of a situation comes from my dad. He was always the one in control (or trying to be), and he never did realize it. Still doesn't, really. I love him a lot - in most ways, he was/is a good dad - but whenever I mention it, he's shocked. "I only wanted the best for you; I wanted you to reach your potential" seems to be the usual refrain.

I don't want to fall into that pattern. I don't want to realize after the fact that I've been controlling, and that people resented it. I'm trying so hard to be a good friend, to be a good girlfriend, and I want my friends to live up to their potential - because they have so, so much more than I ever will in science. The difficulty is, I don't know how to express my concerns. I also don't want to be remembered as that horribly irritating nag, and avoided at all costs. -sigh-

Sam, thanks for forgiving the nagging. Sarah, thank you for giving another perspective and solution. And thanks to Yussanne, Andrea S and Mike D for reminding me that I can only do so much, and I shouldn't worry so much about others' choices. I try, but I still falter. Hopefully, eventually, I will learn to remember this, and I will be the better for it. Until then, it's just going to be difficult.

I just hope everyone does well on their subject GREs today. Good luck, guys.

Here's to life. Just called my parents, feel I did well on the German test today (despite waiting till the last minute to take it) - I really like that class. Bought ~$100 worth of alcohol... then Arthi bought ~$60 worth of ice cream... no, we aren't binging alcoholics, though it certainly looked like that. ;)

Ah, socteam. I finally understand why Yussanne was so stressed and upset sophomore year, when no one else wanted to help... I seem to be the only 21 year old on socteam with a car who's willing to provide transportation. -sigh- Oh well. It's frustrating, but it's not worth bitching about... especially since I know I was guilty of the same thing freshman/sophomore year.

Why is it that tech seems to suck the life and confidence out of so many people every year? I see wonderful, brilliant people who become so depressed and feel they're absolutely worthless when that's not true at all. The scary thing is, I still remember how that feels. Not only that, it's still dangerously easy to slip into that way of thinking, once you get used to it (thanks a lot, sophomore year). So the rigors of this place, along with providing 'stimulating challenge to tomorrow's scientists', train many others to doubt their abilities and respond to difficulties with either 1) severe depressive episodes, or 2) internalization of these feelings, resulting in gastrointestinal problems. What's wrong with this picture? Where are we going wrong? Can anything be done about it?

There's nothing wrong with showing people the real side of science - it's important to see how research will be in grad school to make an informed decision. But breaking people's spirits in the process is an tremendously negative side effect. There's gotta be a better way. I just wish I knew what it was.

Anyway, back to history reading...

Well, so much for the whole 'gonna live for 3+ days!' plan. Jesse slew me tonight in orchestra, with a cleverly laid trap of 3 white Go stones concealed within my sweater under my chair. When the hall got chilly, concentrating on the music, I reached for it without a second thought... and was promptly slain. The last thing I saw through the red mist was a Cheshire-cat grin on his face.

Oh well. No more paranoia for me! :)

And now it's time to make some kills of my own... bwahahaha

Finally scheduled the GRE today, not only for myself, but also for Sam and Greg. Where scheduled means 'braved the damn phone registration gauntlet' FIVE TIMES. Feel free to ask; I don't have time to grouse about it on the site. I also don't want to think about the hour of my life that was wasted while on hold and listening to redundant directions. -sigh-

In any case, Sam and I are now slated to take it on Friday, Nov 21 at 1 PM in Arcadia, and I'll be driving Greg to the Glendale location on that Tuesday (the 18th). Hurrah. Now that there's a definite date in sight, I actually feel the need to study. It's kinda nice, though - it's no longer something intangible, hanging over my head. I can now break it down and tackle it piece by piece. I can do this.

Hopefully I won't get sick again. My throat's taken a turn for the worse - I'm back to coughing more often. What I wouldn't give to be somewhere with clean air.

Heck, what I wouldn't give to be well. And in better shape. Thanks to the flu and residual crap, as well as my poor time management this year, I haven't gotten any appreciable exercise. Not only have I gained weight (dammit!), I'm close to going stir-crazy. I may be motivated enough to pick up this god-awful mess of a room so I can do some yoga in here... if I remember the progression of forms from 2 years ago. -sigh- Wish the cool yoga teacher from sophomore year was still around. Not only was she neat, she didn't run the PE yoga class like an aerobics class. Gah, can't stand that. Yoga should be something you do slowly - where you can deepen the postures and move into them, learn how to balance by slowly getting into it. I had so much fun in that class. Not so with the more recent one I attended - we were literally jumping in and out of postures so fast I was afraid I'd pull something. I wish...

-sigh- If I were going to wish any teacher back, it'd be Davee. I don't know what I'm going to do with riding. I want to continue it - need to contact Diane or whoever's teaching that jump class now - but it's not gonna be the same. At least the horses are the same, right? Boo's an old friend, as are Twist and Gambit. It just won't be Davee making fun of me, or encouraging me, or just giving me a hug when I've fallen off again and I'm crying, furious at myself. Do Dorian and Diane do those things? I can't really see that happening. I always saw Davee as the approachable one of the trio. Maybe that's why I liked taking from her so much - not only was she honest and straight with you, she was there for you when you felt you weren't learning at all. (She also gave plenty of credit for what you were doing right, which helped me a lot. Yeah, yeah, I'm a sucker for encouragement.)

Ah, so much to do. Gotta exercise, gotta practice flute. Ye gods, the concerto competition's coming up in about a month too. Still not sure if I should bother trying out. I lost a lot of time with sickness, and I don't know if I can make up that time and not have grad school apps or GRE scores suffer. -sigh- Do I really have the motivation to work on this concerto for another month (another 3 if I win - not like there's much hope of that)? I'm finding it harder and harder to care about everything here, barring relationship with Sam, my friendships, and having fun. If I were in a class I didn't enjoy, I probably would have a lot of difficulty making myself go... ok, let's be honest, I probably wouldn't go. Unless it was in the afternoon. This also raises concerns about grad school - am I just having a case of senioritis, or is it just that I'm horribly horribly lazy and this is the real me coming out after years of repression? No idea.

But I think the right choice right now is sleep. :) Time for hot tea and lotsa Chloraseptic.

Update: I rock in Latin. I remember more every time I translate, and I can apply what I've learned to the next text. Why the hell didn't I realize I was a linguist before?

Ah well. At least those skills might be useful... if I can't get a job as a history major, then I'll get one as a translator. There go my worries about job security. I have marketable skills, hooray! ;)

Also, I made an A- on the art history exam. If I hadn't flubbed the ID on the last item I would've had an A. Ah well, there's 4/5 of the grade left to go, comprised by the paper and the final. I can make an A in this class. And it's so much fun - it's all about deciphering mood and emotion and the stances of the people depicted. This is great! I should've taken more art history classes... eh, at least I can take some as complementary to historical study. Yaay art.

Also, more lyrics I found a while back. I'd never heard of the band, just googled some thoughts I'd had. One day I will listen to the song - hope the melody's good.
----
Circle of Quiet by Patience

Maybe you can tell my why i'm prone to wander
i'm like a gypsy to the bone
every time i hear the rain amid the thunder
i want to run outside and shed my clothes
but i want to stay with you
long enough to love you right
and i want to say to you
i love the patience in your eyes

here i am standing in a circle of quiet
where a truce is tactily observed
standing in a circle of quiet
waiting for the world to turn
waiting for the world to turn
waiting for the world to turn

and a hundred days and night could find me scattered all around the world without a name
but you're more than just a feather in my hat
more than just a fetter on my frame
when I look up in the sky at night
i want to go out and chase the stars
but like the catcher in the rye
i want to stay where you are

there is no shadow of turning with thee
there is no shadow of turning

Because I have a headache... I'm gonna flick a minute and write instead of translating overdue Latin like I should.

Random thoughts:
PMS really, really, really sucks. Nothing worse than depression, cramps and headache (pain so bad I can't concentrate on work and I'm crying) all rolled into one. It's like being a great big ball of misery, and you can't see how anything will ever get better. Bleh.

Today wasn't so great (see above). I also didn't have time to call my family. :( :( I'm an awful daughter. :( But at least I have good friends, even if Sangeeta can't give right directions and I ended up driving for nearly 2 hours and didn't make it to Sangeeta's house because I didn't have time to retrace my steps and go the right way. But she and Joe came to tech with really yummy lamb curry with potato-egg-pancake thingummies, and that was good. Orchestra winds rehearsal was also pretty good, even though the oboist's instrument needs to have a few keys reseated and keeps changing pitch mid-note. And then I got a hug from Sam ("I'm not wasting time! I'm *spending* it [reading Men at Arms instead of doing homework]" ;), which also helped. Thanks, dear.

Yup. I have good friends. I don't deserve them, but they make life bearable on days like this.

Also, socteam meeting was funny. Note: I was somewhat dressed up today, wearing my plum turtleneck, black skirt and black boots.

Jenny: Dude, Kirsten looks like the sexcretary in those boots.
Arthi: WHAT?
Jenny: The boots are really sexy.
Arthi: Oh, BOOTS. For a minute I thought you said Kirsten's boobs were really sexy. -to me- Though they are.
me: -strikes pose-
Yussanne: Yup, she's definitely less inhibited than she was before she met you two!

I'm amused.

Aight, enough flicking. Time to face the Latin. or maybe a nap, and
*then* Latin...