Ok, someone hold me to this: I will not save most of my h 99 reading until the night before the meeting with my advisor. I will also not wait until then to do my latin translation of 80 lines of the Royal Frankish Annals. Gahhh, so much to do, and it's already 1:15 AM.

On that note, back to studying...

Written 8/29, late at night.

Today's rant: TACIT, my time, and things that really irritate me

I usually try to stay away from inflammatory statements in this journal, as I'd rather not offend people. However, I'll have to beg pardon from those of you in TACIT for this one.

What did I spend 5 hours of my life doing on Tuesday? Sewing TACIT costumes for the upcoming play. This was on my own, in the TACIT house, while the costume designer was running errands to the two other plays she's also working on right now. In the meantime, I machine-sewed a back pleat, hemmed a full-skirted dress by hand so I didn't go all the way through both layers of the fabric, attempted to machine-sew another hem, tried multiple times to get the machine to quit chewing up the thread, and hand-sewed a pocket onto the inside of a tailcoat. I didn't break for lunch for more than 20 minutes, and spent that time studying art history as well. No one else was there to help. Gavin was downstairs doing something or other, and came up once or twice - not to help sew, but apparently to make sure I was still working. The last time he showed up, it was a quarter to four, and I had to leave at four to drive blacker socteam members to get pumpkins for carving on friday. During this 15 minutes, he stood around while I whipstitched the pocket on and complained about how the theatre dept was being given short shrift by caltech right now, since dabney lounge is under renovation. Note: this was AFTER I'd told him I was a member of the orchestra. Somewhere in there, I mentioned that I was in the orchestra, and we'd had to compensate for the loss of Ramo because TACIT was using it, by transferring our rehearsals to Oxy instead of holding them here. We'd only had two rehearsals in Ramo, at the very beginning of the term, then we'd switched to Thorne Hall. "What??" he cried, with an affronted look. "You mean we could've had an extra two rehearsals in Ramo???"

I'm sorry. I missed something there. Are you such an inconsiderate prat that you don't care about any other organizations on the campus?

Add to this the constant, unsympathetic demand for my time. "You *can* make the rehearsal tuesday night too, right? Call's at 6:30, run's at 7:30, it'll run for about 2 hours, so probably until 9:30, maybe later." "Um... my dinner runs until 7. And I have a midterm to study for on wednesday" "But you can eat early with the waiters. Besides, you can study while the rehearsal's going." "But I have to run a few errands with socteam, because I'm a *house officer* and that priority comes before TACIT. I don't know how long those will last" "Great! I'll see you there. And make sure you call over here before you come so you can help Corine move the costumes to Ramo."

WTF??? Did I miss something here? I agreed to volunteer some of my time, because a FRIEND was in the play and sent an email begging her friends for help. I'm here out of pity and friendship. I'm not throwing my soul into the bargain!! And midterms are important. I'm sorry, but sewing for TACIT ain't high on the list, next to academics.

And I think the real kicker was that after all that time, he never did bother to say even a WORD of gratitude.

Let me get this straight. I don't expect people to fall on hands and knees and praise me - god knows that'll never happen, and it'd embarrass the fool out of me. All I ask for, from complete strangers, is 2 words of acknowledgement, delivered sincerely. That's what my parents taught me was the polite and kind thing to do, when someone's helped you. That will get you virtually anything, and probably secure my services and goodwill the next time you need them. It means a lot to me to know that someone appreciates what I do - doesn't anyone else feel this way? This is how I feel vindicated. That's how I know you care about what I do. If you don't care enough to expend the effort for two words, when I could be busting my brain on memorizing dates and artists of art history for a midterm the next day, or on GRE preparation, then you know what? FORGET IT. I refuse to be a slave. I refuse to work for nothing. I'm sorry, Ewen, Kate, and Matt K, but it's just not worth it. I'll come and see the show and congratulate you on your performances, but I've put in my time. Unless something else dramatically changes my mind, that's all I will *ever* do for TACIT.

And if the rest of the TACIT staff treats you that way, then I'm absolutely appalled. I don't even think I would've stayed in orchestra, had Allen treated me that way. One of the reasons I've stayed is because I feel appreciated and needed - if I do something well, he says so. He also understands that there are times when work comes before rehearsals - he just asks that you give him some warning, and not miss more than 2-3. I think that's perfectly reasonable. However, demanding excessive amounts of time from volunteers who aren't even onstage is a little much. Maybe it's just Gavin. I don't know. But if others are like this, I don't know how TACIT keeps people around from season to season.

I'm going to take a short break from writing that bishop fellowship essay to write here... maybe emptying my mind of extraneous thoughts will help me finish it.

ok, stream of consciousness...one, two, Go!

grad school looms and i am terrified. i've been looking at different grad schools and all i can think about is, is this really what i want to do with the next 5 years? do i want to get a ph.d. and teach in a college (hopefully) someday? do i want to devote my life to academia? have i exhausted all other avenues that i'd possibly be interested in, or am i missing the one thing that would really make me happy in life? how would i know? am i sure i won't get tired of this like i've gotten tired of biology? or was that really that i never was interested in it and fooled myself into accepting it at first? why can't i figure that out faster, why do i have to like something and then discover it's not what i thought? what makes me think i won't burn out on history too? or that i'd be any good at it? perhaps i shouldn't go to grad school and should do peace corps or something to figure my life out before i commit that much time and money to very narrow education, i don't want to feel like i've wasted more of my resources, much less my parents'. i already feel like a big enough loser for coming to caltech and majoring in history, instead of something solid and scientific like physics or biology. why the hell aren't i doing something with more job security? is there anything out there that is more secure and still interesting?

what about music? nah, too insecure. doesn't pay decently enough to really earn a living unless you're really good, and you have to spend hours and hours teaching lessons to kids to help supplement your income. but that doesn't sound too bad. but i don't have a degree. no parents in their right mind would send kids to me unless i was semi-famous, like performed with an acclaimed orchestra or quintet or something already. and i don't think i'll be getting any better at flute in grad school. god knows, if i end up at ucla, i know i won't be playing in any groups - i've talked to craig, who's in the law school there, and all the music majors take up all the ensemble and orchestra spots. he still plays with our caltech/oxy orchestra, for crying out loud (not that we're bad, of course, but still).

what about drama? that's gotta be interesting, i've always wanted to try acting. but i never had time or inclination, since i had flute and therefore orchestra and chamber groups. so i'm now in my senior year, and the only work i'll ever have done for TACIT will be my 5+ hours tomorrow, helping the costume designer with costumes sewing, etc. ain't no way anyone in their right mind would take a chance on someone untried. heck, i wouldn't if i were them. i don't even know if i have what it takes to do drama. can i act? beats me. i'd like to try (especially for macbeth next quarter), but i'm too damn scared. and orchestra concerts are always overlapping the play dates. ok, ok, i admit the second reason is more of a blowoff excuse, i bet they could rearrange them if i really wanted to do drama. but i'm still afraid.

why am i so afraid of everything new and different? why am i so afraid of grad school? i don't know what i want to do. where i want to go. who i'll meet. what'll happen between me and my beloved friends here, like sam and yussanne and abby and rebecca and andrea and tina and...the list goes on. where they'll be, whether we'll keep in touch, whether we'll drift apart and be like strangers within 5 years. i like having things under control, but right now it's all coalescing into a big scary ball of unknown variables. it's difficult for me to let things go and relax, because i like the certainty of knowing what's coming next. and i'm ready to move on with my life (well, at least to ditch the horrible smoggy/smokey air in la, because i'm sure every year here means 5 more off my lifespan). i just don't know. and the uncertainty keeps cropping up and distracting me, gnawing away at my confidence. you wonder what i think about when i can't sleep, like i couldn't last week with all the coughing? this is it. welcome to my dark, insecure side.

--end gabbling stream of nonsense--

I think that helped. I just wish I had more time to figure out what I want to do and get out of life. I still don't feel like I have it figured out and 'together', though I don't know if I ever will. -sigh-

Ok, enough writing for fun. Back to the more serious stuff...

Time for lyrics, because this song just started playing on winamp, and it's a good song that I haven't heard in a long time. I love Sarah McLachlan's music. I'm not sure whether it's the music itself, or her voice, or the emotionally charged lyrics, but she's great.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.

Companion to our demons
they will dance and we will play.
With chairs candles and clothes
making darkness in the day.
It will be easy to look in or out
upstream or down
without a thought

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.

Peace in the struggle to find peace.
Comfort on the way to comfort

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
I won't fear love.
I won't fear love...
----
While I was looking for those lyrics, I found the lyrics to Fallen, one of the tracks from her newest album, Afterglow. Can't say much more than they fit post-breakup times to a T... thank god it's over, and I'm a darn sight happier now (also hopefully wiser). May this never happen again.

Fallen

Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Chorus

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Chorus

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Chorus:
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Seems that Dave Barry doesn't much like puns... to think, I always thought that man had a good sense of humor.

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
- Dave Barry, "Why Humor Is Funny"

A little early for Thanksgiving, but I can't sleep. Again.

Sam: You're everything I could ask for in a boyfriend. Thank you for being there for me; I consider myself lucky that you love me. Love you, dear.

Yussanne: You hold our class together, and often I don't know how you manage to keep classes and all your responsibilities together... you're practically superhuman. And on top of all that, you're a terrific and caring person - I'll never forget everything you did to help me when I was in need. I'm honored to count you as a friend.

Davee: You helped teach me to believe in myself and my abilities when I needed it the most, and in the process taught me a skill I've wanted to master for some time. I'm not there yet, but I'll always remember what I've learned. Even though I'll miss your lessons a whole lot, I wish you happiness, whatever you decide to pursue.

Phil: I've never met anyone so insanely and consistently cheerful. But it's infectious. :) You're positively inspiring. I'm darned glad to live down the hall from you.

Sarah and Brian: You set such a good example of studiousness (or at least Sarah did... while Brian was playing Magic/Dynasty Warriors/who knows what else with Sam ;). You're also great friends to have down the hall. :)

Andrea S: I wish I could've been a better roommate... you deserved someone who would pick up after themselves more regularly. ;) Here's to my best roommate ever, as well as a wonderful person. :)

Chuck and Mike: So quiet, yet so lively, and so incredibly musically gifted. I'm really happy that both of you guys made it into OOC, and can't wait to hear you perform. Thanks for just existing, and being so terrific.

Rebecca: You're another one of those positive people who never seem to be pulled down by anything, even though you're majoring in physics. I don't know how you do it, but I wish I could be more like you.

Abby: I admit that I was very worried about you last year, but you've pulled through it beautifully. You're sensitive and sweet, a great and creative D&D 'sister', and a sneaky companion in arms at Shobo-stealing. :)

Rachel: I know I'm not the best long-distance correspondent, but I'm always so happy to hear from you. My best friend in high school, I'll always be glad I knew you.

Maryah and Tracy: You guys rock. I just wish I could see you more... you're what made the flute section fun in band. I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun if you hadn't been there - you taught me to lighten up and enjoy myself.

Alina, Virginia, Gypsy and Heather: There's a silver lining to every cloud, and you guys were it at the field school. Thanks to you four, it wasn't just bearable; it rocked.

(My apologies to those whom I've left out - it was late Wednesday or Thursday night when I wrote this, and I was suffering from chronic sleep deprivation thanks to this damn sickness. There're many more who've made a good impact on my life - these were just the ones I managed to dredge up at the time. Hugs to all.)

I don't feel good. But now it's not in a mainly physical kind of way. Now, it's more emotional - I think it's the lack of good sleep taking its toll. Plus thinking of all the things I need to do. Oh, and getting hit in the face with a flying ice cream cone at dinner, when Sam ducked. Usually, this wouldn't faze me much, but right now I'm in a fairly sour mood. I'm so tired, I feel worn out and sad, and all I want to do is sleep - but I can't without drugging myself with Tylenol or Nyquil because of this fricking cough that won't go away. Every time I lie down, I end up with nightmarish, racking coughs minutes later. It's been the same way for the past several nights, ever since the bad flu-symptoms left. I hate relying on drugs, but I can't do without them now.

I'm going to go mope now. Too many uncertainties; not enough sleep. :(

Today... yeah. Not much change. I was able to finagle antibiotics out of the health center on Monday night, and they seem to be working. Feeling better, but more coughing. Bad, can't-stop-even-with-a-drink-of-water coughing. I don't like coughing. Sam even came down the hall to the kitchen once, saying he'd heard some 'weird kind of coughing sound' and was worried someone was choking. Yup, that's me.

(He did redeem himself - I played him several games in Magic and thoroughly trounced him twice. :) And he came to the coffeehouse with me and Dan and Lucie... it was nice to sit around and not do much, talking to friends, and lean on him and be happy. I sure didn't have much time to miss anything while sick - all I could think about was what I was missing in class, and how long the misery would last. It's hard to think positively about anything when you're really sick. But I feel so lucky to have someone who cares so much about me. I'm really happy, and I love him a lot. Sam, you're terrific. :) )

But even with the coughing, it was a decent day. Held my own in German, even got praised for the three-way dialogue with Yussanne and Dr. Anne Chomyn which we'd whipped up within the previous 24 hours. Hooray for being able to memorize things quickly.

And I kinda lazed through silkscreening... of course, only FOUR of us showed. And considering that it was hot down there, I probably wouldn't have felt so great after the first hour. As it was, I stayed for 30 minutes with Sarah and Sam to make new screens, then left. Should I have screened my design? Probably. But better not to push my luck. Besides, it can wait... unlike my health, or my German, or my thesis...

Agh, my thesis. God knows what's going on there... I've lost a week of work through the flu/flu-like illness and subsequent makeup work. I thought I'd be able to read through plenty while sick, but while feverish and ill, your mind doesn't lend itself to in-depth thinking. I'm just dreading the reading that's piling up. I'm still a little intimidated by it, to be honest. And I know that's ridiculous - it's just another paper, albeit a longer one - but the word conjures up pages and pages of frighteningly dense, obscure, scholarly writing. I still question whether or not I can do this.

Ah well. There's time yet. I just wish things didn't have to change or keep moving in time - so much can change, so quickly, and the uncertainty is a little much at times. I guess I just have to have faith in myself and others.

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Blah. Not much change. Still not feeling well, still have sore throat and cough, etc. Spent most of last night dreaming that I was awake - but I couldn't have been, because I can never stay awake once I've taken nyquil.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I will go to the health center today, after I shower and dress. I'm not looking forward to the walk over there, though. Or the nurse who says, "Oh, it's not a bacterial infection yet. You don't know what you're talking about. I know more about your body than you do, even though you know you have a predisposition to developing bronchitis and sinus infections immediately after viral infections... no antibiotics for you! Go get some rest!" Grrrr.

Also, I gave up on going to class today. So I've now missed a meeting with Brown, a German class, a trip to the Huntington Art Gallery with Prof Bennett, and I will miss Silkscreening tonight in favor of getting to sleep earlier. Argh. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like I was letting all of them down by not showing. On the other hand, perhaps skipping a couple classes is better than infecting the entire class and the professor too... as Anne Chomyn, a bio Ph.D in my german class put it, "If you are still ill I think you shouldn't go to class today, but that's up to you." She's got a good point there.

I may also end up missing orchestra tomorrow, though I'm not keen to hear Allen's reaction on that. -sigh- Not like there's much I can do about this damn thing, except try to get over it as quickly as possible with rest and plenty of hot liquids.

I would just like to say... thank god that neither Yussanne or I took on an extra responsibility today. I care, but I can't do it again - I'm burnt out on official duties in this house. I daresay Yussanne feels the same way, especially since she's headwaiter too. Sam, you are terrific, and you'll do a good job. For once, I don't feel guilty about passing on the responsibility for a change.

Sickness update (mainly for the parents, who worry): Still not feeling great, but hopefully out of the worst of it. Heading into bacterial stage, I think, so I'm going to the health center tomorrow... coughs are productive now, not so frequent. Sore throat still here, still having difficulties talking. But generally better.
------
Products of mindless flicking:

winner:

Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla


very close second:

Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

Note to self: never, EVER again let the benadryl, dayquil AND tylenol cold and sinus go past their expiration dates without getting more.

Of course, I didn't realize this until I needed it. Dammit.

And that's why, at 1:40 AM, sick as a dog with something similar to the flu, I'm sitting here with dry racking coughs listening to Sam's new speakers playing exuberant Enya next door, through the wall. I just hope he doesn't get this... I've tried to be careful and not pass it on to anyone. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy... (well, maybe them. If I have any right now... I don't think so. I've learned that hate's not healthy, whether it's for others or yourself.)

But this sucks. Badly. I've tried to be self-sufficient, and keep on a happy face, and persevere and everything else... especially with Sam's parents here. I felt so damn guilty that I didn't feel well enough to go out to dinner with Sam et al... that I didn't spend as much time talking with them as I should've... I was so worried that they wouldn't like me (stupid, yes, but true). They were absolutely wonderful, and concerned about me - Sam's mom even offered to bring back soup, and run a socteam errand when Arthi reported that Luigi was also really sick, so could I please drive to Smart and Final for CTF munchies (he's sick with the same thing I have. Bloody terrific. And at one stroke, both drivers on socteam are taken out. I admit that I'd said that I'd do it, if luigi absolutely couldn't... but I've also done the past 2-3 errands required. At least I bribed Jonathan into doing it in return for fudgey brownies when I'm well enough to bake.) I felt even guiltier about that - they're here to have fun with Sam and celebrate his birthday, and instead they're worrying about Sam's girlfriend, who's so inept she can't take care of herself.

All of this plus feeling physically miserable just isn't happy.

And that's why I'm crying right now. I feel like such a little child. I'm 21, for crying out loud. If I can't take care of myself by now, what the hell have I been doing with my life??

But all I want to do right now is be rocked like a little child and have mom there (maybe with chicken soup?) saying, don't worry, it'll be ok. You'll get over this. Just a week from now, if not days, you'll be feeling better and everything will be fine. Just relax.

Instead, I'm out of nourishing canned soup, clean out of unexpired drugs, and I can't get to sleep. What fantastic timing. I've got thesis reading piling up, plus a german exam due Monday and an oral exam to boot. Not to mention that midterms are on the horizon, and approaching rapidly.

And in the face of everything, I feel so, so powerless.

Lots and lots of things going on right now, and so very little time to write about them

-sick right now, but getting better (I think). Aches are nearly gone, but throat's still sore and my voice is going. I hate being sick. :(

-watched Sense and Sensibility earlier with other femoles... it really hit home. I've heard some say that Marianne's marriage to Colonel Brandon is one of convenience, but I beg to differ. I think it's more that she didn't realize a genuinely good person when she saw one, and it took the awful experience with Willoughby to make her realize what a terrific and caring person Brandon really was. But perhaps that's just me. Anyone else?

-Met Sam's parents - they're really nice. I just wish I hadn't gotten sick the same day they arrived! Talk about bad timing. :(

-Davee, the best riding teacher EVER, is no longer teaching at 3D Farms. Or teaching anywhere. :( :( She chalked it up to the attitude shift of her partners from having fun to being super-competitive, plus being broke... 3D Farms has lost an excellent teacher. She's now doing bartending, which pays more, and might consider coming back to teach later... but isn't too interested in that at the moment.
Gahhh... she was the reason that Yussanne and I switched over to 3D Farms. Diane and Dorian are decent teachers, but they sure as heck aren't Davee. I don't know what I'm going to do with riding now... it rocked with Davee as a teacher.

-Sam's birthday's coming up on the 19th, Abby's is on the 20th.

Look ma, I'm a nerd!

Thanks to Arthi for the link:

Proton -- You are a homebody and generally stick to
what you know and what is familiar. However,
you still have a very powerful personality. You
have a positive outlook on things and you get
along well with electrons and those who are
negative.


What kind of subatomic particle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This year just keeps getting better. Last night was a little hectic, what with the baking through dinner and being late to silkscreening... but it all turned out just fine, thanks to the cake-inverting and removing-baked-goods-from-ovens talents of Mick. ;) And my silkscreen design worked! It looks really neat as white on black... can't wait to print my shirt next time. UCC dessert night went well (my pumpkin cake with carmelized apples and midnight fudge brownies were pretty popular, as was Maryam's delicious German plum cake), and I even got to spend some time with Sam (who'd been working the entire previous day and had only gotten a couple hours sleep). All in all, I was very happy.

I'm really having fun with Latin - while working on it, I keep dredging up different things from memory. It's like Mr. Parsons giving a running commentary in my head... "Ok, here we have a cum clause, so --- takes the ablative, translate as 'with ---'"... "This is a perfect participle, so 'having been ---'"... " 'defecit' is the perfect form of 'deficio'"... It's even in his voice. He was a terrific Latin teacher, and it certainly shows now - Kat, please tell him he's awesome. (And do your Latin homework! ;)

I never realized how much I missed it. :( There's something about translation that interests me. It's easy to get terrible translations of passages in another language; just look up babelfish and fire away. But to get something that makes sense out of another language, that really conveys the meaning and sense/mood (and if you're translating poetry and you're *really* good, rhythm and meter) of the passage - that takes a really well-trained human who's sensitive to the phrasing and placement. For a great example, go read Allen Mandelbaum's translation of the Aeneid.

I'm not that good, but I'd like to be someday. And (amazingly) I can keep German and Latin straight - the last time I mixed things up was way back in first term sophomore year. Perhaps it's because I'm recording language instruction in their voices, so it's easy to differentiate between the two now. It's a curious thing.

Anyway, I'm happy. What a difference it makes, to be studying something I love. :)

----
"You may be having difficulty in places, but you have the tools to translate this... It's really impressive that you remember so much."
-Prof Brown

Wow, that's the first time in months that I've slept past noon... er, good morning? Gotta stop staying up till 3 doing random things, like obsessively checking history grad school sites for deadlines and requirements, or revising a piece of writing I wrote quite a while back, or playing magic/dynasty warriors (yes, it finally sucked me in, but I didn't play *that* much)...

On the other hand, I think getting more sleep last night has broken the slightly crabby mood I had for most of yesterday. I just felt somewhat frustrated with nearly everything I did yesterday - I just hope I didn't take it out on anyone. I try not to, because it's not fair to the recipient.

Anyway, gonna be a full day today. Not only am I at emergency status on clean laundry, I still need to call home, write up that bishop fellowship essay on my travels in Ireland, print and clean up an image for silkscreening, read up in Peter Brown's The Cult of Saints, practice german, practice flute, and go to a socteam meeting. Hmmmm...

So I'd better get started on that now, or I'll be up till 3 again tonight.

Tonight, I realized I was a SENIOR and had never thrown a butter pat at the ceiling before. Tonight, I also decided to remedy that state of affairs. -wicked grin-

10 (?) pats later, with roughly 4 on the ceiling (one made it partially and fell later), I was dumped with icy cold salt water with a roll floating on top. Wow, it's been a long time... I acted up so much during frosh year, never really thought about it, and for some reason in between then and now it just wasn't fun anymore. I think it was because of all the other drains at the time - I'm kinda surprised I made it through sophomore year without flaming or taking leave. I hope that's the only time in my life that I really let outside influences get to me and eat away at my happiness, my self-esteem, my dreams - on the up side, as a result I've learned how to laugh at things, to let the unimportant things roll off my back, and what my limits are. And if it was a learning experience... then perhaps the time and tears weren't wasted.

Those lessons have made life a lot easier in the present. Like the time I walked nearly a mile to the hostel a little ways out of Cashel because the bus driver didn't stop at the bus stop... or when I missed the bus out of Cashel because I was on the wrong side of the road... or when I managed to probe a bog the cheap and nasty way (instead of a pole, use your leg!). Laughing at the stupid things and taking life in a relaxed manner makes everything so much easier to deal with. It's definitely more fun to relax with a cappuccino and book in a coffee shop than fume on the street for the next few hours over a missed bus - and better yet, I don't get ulcers and severe stomach cramps from stress. ;)

No danger of any of that right now, of course... this is the easiest term I've had for a long, long time. I can't remember a time when I was happier with what I was taking - I'm practicing both german and latin, I'm reading about another aspect of history, I'm learning and coming to appreciate rococo art forms, which I'd hated with a passion for years, and I'm also being artsy with silkscreening and orchestra and chamber music. This is great! I love my life right now. But it's nice to know that I can and will get through future difficulties with greater ease, because I can relax and laugh at myself.

Aight, enough rambling. Time to go hit Ralph's for some groceries, and maybe watch a movie or do something else fun tonight.

That is why I stand here day after day
Utterly alone, searching for a way
To find the answers that elude me so;
Please, someone, show me the way to go!
-my little sis

Nothing's quite so clear now.
Feel you've lost your way?
You are not alone.
-Into the Woods
---

Today's topic: Uncertainty.

I have this overwhelming urge to run and hide every time I think about grad schools. It's intimidating enough to think that I'm already a senior, with only another year between me and grad school (or the real world). What's more intimidating is that come mid-June, I'll be saying goodbye to friends I've come to consider as family. I have no idea where I'll be headed, or where they'll be going, or how often I'll see them again (if ever). I think talking to Jennifer, one of my friends from HS, brought this up - I haven't talked to her since... er... way way back, maybe beginning of sophomore year. She's in her senior year of clin. psych. at A&M, also working on grad school apps... but she's also getting married in May. o.O

Everyone's getting married! What's going on??
Don't get me wrong - marriage is all well and good. And I'm really happy for Sarah and Brian, Jennifer and Andy, and all those other engaged couples out there. But it feels very odd to realize that my friends are getting married and may have children within the next few years. Very, very odd. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's just the realization of how old we are, or maybe it's the feeling that I don't think I'm quite ready to settle down just yet. Or perhaps it's because marriage and kids never figured into the plans I had when I was in high school... I could see myself living alone with my dog(s) and having a terrific career, but not as the wife of anyone I knew. Not a chance in hell. Now, it's kind of an amorphous possibility, though still pretty remote. In a few years, perhaps, if Sam's still around and thinks I'm worth it, or barring that, if someone as terrific as Sam comes around. As far as I'm concerned, there is plenty of time before deciding things like this - I just don't want to rush into a commitment that I'm not ready for and end up disappointing someone. In truth, most of the time I try not to think about it, because that's introducing another variable into the already formidable equation of 'After Graduation'.

In this vein, why is it that people seem so keen to dismiss others' relationships as 'not very serious' or 'not as serious' as their own? I've had this happen at least three times, and each time I'm stunned and rather miffed. It comes across as awfully presumptious if you don't know the other two people very, very well. There's just something about relegating someone else's relationship to roughly 'fling' status, without knowing the background, why or how the relationship works, that irritates me. It just seems that there's often a lot more to relationships than what meets the eye, and commenting on the tip of the iceberg without seeing the rest seems rather silly. (Don't get me wrong - I appreciate forthrightness and truth, particularly from friends; it's often helpful to get another perspective from other people who care. I just wish people would think about what they're saying and *how* they're saying it before voicing opinions, because three offhand, thoughtless words can be a slap in the face.)

To end: I'm with Sam because I love him dearly. Being with him makes me happy, he's a fantastic person, and he's helped me heal and grow in various ways over the past 8 months (not to mention the time when we were just friends) - I couldn't ask for anyone more kind or caring. This is not some superficial dalliance just for kicks, but it's not a sprint to the altar, either. Does every relationship have to be one or the other?

Goodness, that was longer and more rant-like than I intended. And yikes, it's late... I've got a good 25-30 lines of Latin to translate for Brown tomorrow, due Friday. Plus german, and reading for thesis... it's all piling up already. Good night, all.

So, first week's over. We've got our new crop o' frosh, and it looks like a really good one. :) I got into all the classes I wanted, and I really like all of them so far. And I even made it into orchestra *again*. Four years as principal flute, hooray!

To those of you who were certain I'd make orchestra again, thanks very much for your confidence. One of my bad tendencies is to underestimate myself, and so often I'm riddled with doubt over the silliest things... I'm trying to fix that, one step at a time.

Even after 21 years, I'm still a work in progress. That'd certainly be a shock to the 10-year-old Kirsten, who thought that her older counterpart would have *everything* figured out by know. Different aspects of my character are still in flux, and I'm still not sure what to do with my life. I want to do something meaningful and play to my strengths, but one year away from graduation, I'm still not certain what to pursue. At this point, I'm sticking to history - I've been the happiest I've ever been while in this major. And I think I'd make a decent history professor - I can do this well, and I enjoy the work that goes into it. I'm happy when I'm working with languages, or trying to get into another frame of mind and understand a radically different mindset and culture, or communicate what I've learned and extend that understanding to others.

I just can't stop thinking about what else I should/could be doing with my life, that could be more meaningful or dear to me. I don't want to waste my time, and 20 years down the line discover that I was never truly happy with what I was doing. The more I think about it, the more I realize how important it is to not take the present for granted... there may be another 50 years ahead, or only a few hours. I don't ever want to regret the time I spent on something.

So. Carpe diem, friends. There was a pretty good quote along these lines by Seal yesterday in the LA Times - take a look at that article, it's towards the end. I'll try to find it later if the Times hasn't been burnt yet.

Good news! I have a thesis topic, I have an audition time, and things are definitely looking up for the time being.

First things first. I talked with Brown today about topics... I've been thinking about discussions that I really enjoyed, and decided that I'd like to work with some aspect of saints' lives (Remember St. Balthilda? Yeah ;). While I was walking over to talk with Brown, however, an interesting thought hit me - what happened when the pope or a bishop decided that a particular saint didn't fit the image the church wanted to project, and decided to rescind canonization/sainthood? What would be the reaction of the population who had venerated the saint for generations, and why? What about power structures in the affected area?

When I proposed this to Brown, not only did he think it was a terrific idea, but "I wish *I*'d thought of that!" SCORE!! Boy do I feel good. :)

Now, the trick will be to find information on the topic. Hopefully I can run down enough sources dealing with this sort of thing through IBID. Brown also said that it'd be very interesting to see what I could do to turn this amorphous topic into something substantial... this'll be really good for me, I think. Very much like grad school and research in general, I think. And I think it'll be fun. :)

Audition time: 10 AM Saturday. This would've scared me last year, but right now, I've been getting up before 8 for the past week. This shouldn't be a problem - I just need to practice tonight.

Rotation's getting to be a bit much. Last year wore me out; I've had my fill of this mess. I'm finding it difficult to care very much or make the effort to talk to very quiet people, even though I know I should (heck, I know I was shy during this week). Ah well... only a couple more days.

Ok, time to go translate some Latin and then help set up for the reception. Cheers!

Argh is about all I have to say right now. I was ok earlier, but right now I feel like I'm juggling about 30 different things ranging from relatively harmless beanbags to wicked-looking knives, and I'm trying desperately to keep everything in the air so the whole mess doesn't come crashing down on my head. I've already let some things like flute practice slip (still need to talk to allen about audition times), and I haven't even finished with my room yet. Not even bloody close. And there are STILL unclaimed, unlabeled boxes and random crap and even a BAG OF LAUNDRY sitting in my room. Add to this stress about life in general, where I'll end up, what I really want to do in life, and the big scary world of 'after graduation'. These questions keep looming over my head like the next shoe waiting to drop and destroy another fragile dream. At this point I don't even know if I can hold onto a dream and believe in it, really believe, without doubting myself or thinking that something will go wrong.

I hate this living by halves. I want to be a kid again, and be able to put my faith in something and see it through and really enjoy what I'm doing. To be happy without wondering when the happiness will end and be succeeded by misery and aimlessness.

Wow, I sound negative. I know I'm lucky to have terrific friends and a super boyfriend who are really happy to have me back here. I think it's just lack of sleep - I was so easily distracted today, it's a wonder I did so well in German (probably the past two weeks at work - at least it paid off). I sure couldn't communicate well in English. Damn ADD. Gotta get motivated, or there'll be hell to pay... I'll kick myself if I don't make principal chair in orchestra this year. I'll be really upset with myself if I don't make orchestra at all. Somehow, I have to focus, block out the other demands for the time being and find the discipline I had earlier...

Night all.

It's good to be home. :)

That is all.


Wait, wait, it isn't. Also, I have no classes before 12:30 PM EVER! ;) Senior history schedules rock.