Ah, the amusing things on the internet... Arthi had this in her profile, and as I've read the Inferno, I couldn't resist. ;)

And I'd end up here:
First Level of Hell - Limbo

Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
----
As a comparison:
Sam's also a 'virtuous pagan' (yaay!), and every other person I've talked to (Arthi, Jenny, Laura, Merc) has ended up in Dis. Hm. Funny, how nearly every techer has been classified as a heretic...

Oh, goodness. Suddenly all the adrenaline's gone and I'm tired and sick again, dammit (stupid sore throat). Oy.

I really should start papers sooner... though I actually finished most of that one roughly an hour ahead of time. I like finishing with enough time to proofread it myself - I feel better about papers when I can fiddle with the word order a little and clear up some parts before I turn them in. Glad I'm done with that one, anyway - I preferred Sam and Pat's Eusebius (who wandered around smiting people with a tree trunk) to the Eusebius I had to write about (a bishop of the early church who believed martyrdom was the best way ever to salvation. and who outrageously flattered Emperor Constantine in the Life of the Blessed Emperor).

And tonight, I get to read even MORE history! hooray?

At times, I wonder if I can keep beating my flagging motivation into a gallop and get through the term... I have 2 more papers for medieval history, one HUGE paper for h 97, 2 exams and a short review paper for An 101, and several more exams for german. I think I can do it. Maybe. But oh, do I want a break right now.

More laughter from my life:
Katie and I are in the lounge. I'm reading the Tech, and jokingly mention the ease of obtaining $5000-$10000 through egg donations (there's another ad for it in this week's tech).
Me: ...seems like an easy way to make several thousand.
Katie: Ah, but there's always a catch to those things. Like you have to be 6 feet tall, blond hair and blue eyes, go to Harvard...
-trails off as she looks towards me, scrutinizes me-
Wait a minute, you're pretty close..."

Hehehe. Nothing like being 5' 8", blond hair and green eyes, and attending caltech... but I don't think I'll be contributing eggs anytime in the future. Though it's always a possibility for paying off grad school loans... ;)

More seriously: I realized today that I haven't changed that much over the past 5 months. For me, this is a good thing... I remember feeling like I was a different person every day during last summer and early fall. And I guess that I expected to have to change again when I began dating someone - perhaps it's not supposed to work that way, but that's what I expected from prior experience, and I feared losing my identity again. Thank goodness that hasn't happened. It's nice to feel accepted and loved for who you are, and to feel comfortable around someone without having to maintain an appearance and constantly suppress your faults and emotions. I can now voice what I feel, instead of keeping silent for fear of some kind of backlash or just indifference. I'm no longer afraid to ask for hugs, or take up some of his time to spill out what's bothering me. And to be with someone who truly cares about others, who's willing to show this through his actions, who's perceptive and imaginative and kind and supportive...

Sam, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to thank you enough.

For a friend:
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget: you only get what you give
-Free Radicals, Get What You Give (I think)

Indulging myself (just heard this today on the radio):
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Refrain
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
-Evanescence, Bring Me to Life


And now, back to our regularly scheduled work-a-thon:
history paper
german exam
history reading
(different) history reading
anthro reading

Amazing. Not 5 hours after I was really frustrated and upset with things in general, I'm back to normal. I don't believe it. It only took some time talking to Sam and a couple of other people, a little crying, a few hugs, and some laughter. (and a couple games of magic :)

And within those 5 hours, I went from being the 'counseled' to the counselor. I wish there was something more I could do... I don't like seeing suffering. I don't enjoy watching someone sob their heart out, or two people feeling shunned by the house. Suffice it to say: I don't agree with all that's transpired. But these people are all my friends - so I'm there for any of them. I just want this situation dealt with quickly and painlessly, so that everyone involved is happy again. Perhaps that's a naive way to view it - I'm not sure if it's possible right now, though I fervently hope it is. But I'll do anything in my power to work towards that end. And I'm awfully proud of Sam, Phil, Sandy, Maryam and the many others who have stepped up to the challenge of banding together to provide support to both sides, rather than dividing into opposing camps.

Here's to hoping for peace and happiness within the house someday soon. Or at least in this one area.
-------
As an aside: I'm an incredibly lucky woman. I'm majoring in a field that I love. I'm dating a guy whom I trust and love dearly (who loves me and treats me amazingly well), and I'm not afraid to rely on him for support. I'm performing in two top-notch music groups, and I'm in demand as a musician for the glee clubs and other events. I'm improving my riding skills all the while, and Davee constantly praises my success in learning how to jump. I'm travelling to both Ireland and Germany this summer (and spending <$600 out of pocket). I have incredibly nice and caring friends, who are happy for me. Friends come to me for advice and support, and I can help them to some extent. I'm happy in so many ways, it's scary. I can't think of any other time in my life I've been so upbeat and positive about how things were going... it's almost unbelievable.

So why is it so easy to forget all of this when I come up against something difficult? I need to remember to count my blessings more often...

Summary of the past few days (or, Kirsten rails against the world):

-lots of people got sick, including Sam, Mick, Toomey and a lot of moles. And me. :(

-Brown granted a blanket extension because of this. Yaay Prof Brown :)

-Though I really missed it, I didn't ride today because my stomach was rebelling. Stupid illness. And on top of that, stupid being female. Why couldn't I have been male? Some days, I think it's just not fair... the headaches, the mood swings, the pain - every single damned month. I remember Niffer reading aloud from a Cosmo: "Women should use their sacred 'moon-time' for celebration of womanhood and reflection." Sounds like a load of ultra-feminist airy-fairy bullshit to me... you can't sugarcoat the fact that most women experience severe pain and other side effects for several days to a week every month by telling them to 'celebrate it'. Celebration and contemplation? Please. When you take this into account, is it any wonder women act bitchy at times? -sigh- Guys aren't missing out on ANYTHING. I admit it, I'm damn jealous.

-skipped anthro class this week, first because of the h 161 E, then because of german preparation. I'm getting to the point that I can't stand the prof's lecture style. It irritates me no end. After ancient medicine, I have a very low tolerance for people who can't just spit out what they want to get across. Quit hemming and hawing and um-ming, and dammit, organize your notes. We come to class to LEARN, not to watch you get your act together while you teach. We don't have to take your class - we *chose* to do so. Please reward us for caring to learn about your subject with coherent, logically-organized lectures.

-I feel like I'm falling behind in German - haven't done any of the listening labs yet, and there's an exam out this weekend due monday. Crap, where does the time go? I feel like I'm reading so much, yet I'm ALWAYS behind - I still have another 300 pages or so of anthro reading to finish, and that's just from last week. There's MORE this week. And my history classes. It's like I'm trying to walk on a treadmill that keeps accelerating - I trip and everything goes to hell. Or an even better analogy from another techer's site: "Caltech is like being tethered to a trotting horse. It's not so bad when you keep jogging, but the second you stumble it all goes to hell. Once you're down, it's difficult to get up again." It's so true, it's awful. Even for a history major.

-Something positive, finally - people keep telling me I'm great at flute. Fine and good. But why is it that one girl in the oxy composition class simply has to tell me (after I'd only sight-read her piece!) that the last time her piece was performed, 'a REAL professional flutist came and played it, and he didn't have to breathe at all during the ties. HE was the most musical flutist she's ever heard" etc. I don't understand people like this. And I don't understand why listening to her prattle on about how fantastic his performance of her piece was bothers me. It wouldn't usually bother me. But it did. Especially when she snickered in rehearsal when I couldn't make the breath. Goddammit, I'm sick, tired, and I'm not even getting paid for playing your modern, dissonant music that offends my ears and sense of tuning. I'm using my free time, when I SHOULD be sleeping off this bug, to be performing your pieces. I'm sorry, did I miss something? Is there some reason I should feel *honored* for the chance to play your music? Why are you trying to compare me to a flute major at Cal State Northridge? I only do the best I can, as a history major/washed-up failure of a bio major at caltech, and I'm not even majoring in music. Yes, I'm offended by your thoughtless words and actions. Go take a flying leap, and there's no way in hell I'll ever perform for you again after this kind of treatment.

Though Dana made me feel better... she pointed out that I definitely could have been a flute major. It's nice to know that someone good enough to be a freelance oboist *and* who performs in the Santa Monica Symphony thinks this... she's awesome. I wish I could play with her more often - she's so nice, and a supercool oboist.

I just feel so worthless sometimes. I do my best, even when I'm sick and feeling terrible, and I like being recognized and appreciated for that. Is that so much to ask? I'm only human. I can only give so much...
---
Yikes. Rereading parts of this, it sounds like I'm a real bitch. It's just so much easier to vent in writing, and it's a lot better/healthier to write these things down than to lash out at someone because of all this pent-up irritation. It's not fair to someone else to unleash your anger at them for some petty thing, when it's probably not their fault. And anger isn't my usual reaction. But it is this time, prolly because of the sickness/headache double whammy. I just feel so impotent against this - there's nothing I can do except take a few Advil, drink some fluids and get lots of sleep - and that adds to the problem.

-sigh- guess it's time to get some sleep. night all, and stay well.

Brown's Medieval Church class is the best ever... so much fun. Though it was sadly amusing today - Ryan McDaniel (also a History double major), Joe, and half the class hadn't gotten around to reading the Gregory of Tours "History of the Franks". I thought it was the most entertaining of all the readings, but apparently I'm not the norm - Vikki even said it nearly put her to sleep. -sigh- Ah well.

Wow. Professor Brewer's awesome. I talked to him today, and he said that since I had misunderstood the paper assignment, and he knew that he tended to be touchy-feely/wishy-washy about explaining requirements, he didn't think it was fair to force me to write another paper. So he'll grade it as is, 'suspending feelings about the way he thought it should have been'. (Also, he specifically said it was the focus, not the quality of the paper, which concerned him.) I could have hugged him. So the E is now officially over, and Brewer now vies for second position with deverell on my list of 'best history profs at tech' (first is Brown, of course). Take a class from him sometime, he's cool. Just not the 'what is history' class. :)
---
For some reason, I've felt kinda out of it for the past several days - y'know, that slightly mopey, sad feeling that lurks in the back of your mind, and causes you to foul up in easy German exercises in class. Hopefully it'll go away soon.
---
Last night, I'd stepped out of the shower room after hearing what sounded like Mike W colliding with Sam. Suddenly, Mike looked at me and exclaimed that I bore a remarkable resemblance to Seven of Nine (a Star Trek character - ex-Borg fleet personnel). Mick also saw a resemblence ("You could certainly be her for Halloween"), though Sam did not. So far, the tally is 4 seeing some resemblence, and 2 seeing none at all. For kicks - drop me a line and let me know what you think. For comparison, see http://www.startreksite.com/crews/seven.jpg or http://winlooks.virtualave.net/pict/7of9.jpg .
Amusing quotes so far:
Bernadette: well... you certainly dress a lot better than she does. :-)
Tina (I think): you have the right eyes, but not her cheekbones or chin... and I can't see you wearing a skintight bodysuit for Halloween.
---that's what you think... I mean... -wicked grin- might be fun just for the heck of it...---
----
Anyway, time to go read up on some English colonization efforts for my h 97 meeting with deverell.

Oh, dear. It's been a couple of days of something... and the something was not all happiness.
Begin the list:
-E finished, yaay! ...but wait, brewer doesn't like my paper topic. though he approved it when i talked to him about it. not done after all :(
-lots of support and hugs lately for a good friend (yussanne, sangeeta, I'm reminding myself of you two last year - many thanks to you again :)
-trying to be a mediator, smooth things over and not pick sides (with emotional support from sam... thanks, love)

It occurred to me sometime last night that picking sides in any conflict was the much, much easier (and more childish) thing to do than actually trying to see both sides and work to reconcile them. If I had been presented with a similar situation during my frosh year, I wonder if I could have dealt with it as maturely as I hope I am now. So, so many things have happened over the past three years... in certain lights, I barely recognize the person I used to be. I remember being a sentimental romantic - thinking that love could overcome differences in character, and that the end of a relationship was always due to glaring faults in one or both of the participants. Time and experience have shown me that this is not the case - some matches that seem to be great won't work in the end, and it may not be due to someone's faults, but just in the way two people interact. Perhaps preferring one person to your current beau isn't such a terrible thing as I once thought - sure, breakups hurt. But as much as we like to think that these relationships are permanent, we're still changing and learning about what qualities we want in a significant other, and dating is how we figure that out before we commit to one person for life, or at least a good long while (thanks for the perspective, mom). It's normal to feel hurt, but don't let it consume your life, soul, happiness, etc. Dry your tears, then go out and pursue your dreams. I remember talking to Tina (who's wise beyond her years) about this during the Ge 1 field trip last year - and though I don't remember everything word for word, one thing she said really stuck in my mind. "Love and guys aren't worth dying over." Agreed. Love's a wonderful thing*, as long as you can see your limits, and you're confident and strong enough to draw the line before you hit them. Otherwise, you risk losing yourself - you're beyond your comfort zone, you're overextended, and you aren't as emotionally stable. And love really shouldn't do that to you.

Goodness, but that was philosophical. I guess it's time for dinner now.

*if you've read some of the logs from last august/sept, I bet you never thought you'd see that phrase here... but I now believe it.

I feel like singing. It's 8:40 AM, I slept for 6 hours last night, my headache's gone, and I'm only 2 pages (~300 words) away from finishing this E. I'll have that dratted E off my back for good by noon!

See, I TOLD you I wouldn't let it become an F... honestly, and you think *I* worry. ;)

Looks like an essay-writing kinda day...

Working on the History of the Sonata Form paper all day. D&D from 7-11, socteam meeting at 11, then more writing.

On another note: Interhouse totally rocked. Great job, guys. :)
----
Last night, I remember touching on the idea of a perfect person. I thought being perfect wouldn't be all it's cracked up to be, but the topic shifted too fast for me to really mull it over. So, a few reasons for being flawed human beings:
-you'll never be able to appreciate another's abilities if you're consistently better, or have never known failure
-if you're perfect in every way, then why rely on a friend's skill?
-you'll never become stronger and more mature through knowing failure, or overcoming your faults

Never mind that your friends will always feel a little upstaged and unwanted, even if you're perfectly kind to them. There's something reassuring about knowing your faults and being able to work together with others to compensate for them, producing something much better through combined effort than any of you could have created on your own. Like Interhouse - everyone focuses on their own areas of interest, and when everything is juxtaposed, it's a much better result than if a few perfect people did everything on their own. And more people took pleasure in the creation, even if it's not quite as excellent as if made by a perfect person.

And would a perfect person possess a personality? I can't think of anyone who hasn't offended someone by who they are and what they've done at some time... your actions will always tick off someone. Always. There will always be someone who finds fault with your conduct and gossips behind your back - I don't think it would be possible for one person to appeal to everyone as perfect. After all, we all have our own ideas of perfection, right? Who's to say what the perfect idea of perfection is?

Hm. That discourse reminds me of the convoluted, abstract discussions that we had in h 161 last term (the brewer class, what is history). Yikes.

Update: done with h 97 notes! yaay! now to send those to deverell...

Also, I'm getting into the 'exhausted' zone. I've been running on high for pretty much the whole day, from the fabric district this morning, to helping with sewing the fabric wall and mattress covers, to painting the eyes on the gator, to getting out food for the party, to making a last ditch run for 15 2-L bottles of soda for mixers. To all whom I was short with, I'm really sorry - it wasn't your fault, and I shouldn't have snapped at you (being under stress really isn't a good excuse). I'm amazed by how well this party came together (and damn does it look good!), and it's thanks to ALL of us working together that it happened. My thanks for your help and for putting up with me.

And, in the meantime, while I was intermittently helping Ewen, Lucie and Kevin with the sewing machines, I managed to finish typing up my notes for h 97... Deverell's been asking if I could send those in for several days. Hopefully he won't be disappointed at the content... I think I've found some information that's highly useful with comparison to the Spanish mission system. We'll see.

Next up:
-finish the E (1/8-10 pages)
-german
-read h 161 and more h 97
-begin working on h 161 paper due this friday

I am so, so very screwed for time right now.

Interhouse trips/time:
-home depot: 2 (~4.5 hours)
-fabric district: 2 (~5.5 hours)
(note: that's a full tank of gas right there)
-work on gator: ~5-6 hours
-work on decorations, planning: ~2 hours

Work I'll do tonight (ah, the joys of being on socteam ;):
-1 hour replenishing food
-1 hour running supplies for bartenders

Things I need to do NOW (by priority):
-finish h 97 paper, submit to deverell
-finish E (h 161 paper), submit sunday or monday
-work on german
-read h 161 and more h 97
-begin working on h 161 paper due this friday

Why can't we have a 60 hour day this weekend?

Finally did laundry last night - hooray!

Also, I've been quoted in Arthi's profile. Oh dear... there goes my reputation. ;) On the other hand, Peter's quote far surpasses mine in amusement value... and it also took me off her profile. Hooray! -grins-

John, the really awesome community bassoonist, came in and worked with our trio yesterday. It was amusing, because he was impressed with how well we could read the pieces (but... you're supposed to be scientists, not musicians! ;). I don't think we were very clear in communicating with him at first - he was also a little confused, as he didn't realize that we already intended to play the Quantz Triosonate and Mozart Divertimento, and only needed to decide between the two modern pieces (Flor Peeters and Zaninelli).

I finally figured out what the Peeters is supposed to sound like - John mentioned that the opening sounded like a documentary from the History Channel. Then it hit me - it sounds spot on for a soundtrack accompanying a documentary on the Roman civilization. You have the legions here, and the panoramic city shot of Rome, and then the pitched battle... it finally made sense. For some reason, I have trouble performing a piece if I can't put emotions or an image to it - it just doesn't make sense, and I often dislike it at first if it doesn't intuitively make sense. But once I can identify what's in the music, I have no problem playing it to convey that image.

I remember one encounter with an audience member after an orchestra concert last year (the one with the Louchouarn Time Pieces). He said that we must have felt quite honored to perform a piece by such a renowned composer. I countered by noting that I'd hated those pieces for quite some time before I figured out what they were supposed to represent, but after that, it wasn't a problem. He seemed somewhat puzzled at this... I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a basketcase for performing with these images in mind (do any other musicians use this technique?)... but it works for me.

Ok, that's enough fun writing for now. Off to work on that E...

I feel like the Interhouse workhorse... why oh why did I insist on bringing the truck out here so I had transportation? On the other hand, Harlan pointed out that 'angel' rather than 'workhorse' was really the better term. Thanks, Harlan (you flatterer you). Unfortunately, "The frosh made me do it for Interhouse!" will not be a good excuse to extend the deadline on my E, or to tell to my junior tutorial advisor... ah geez, I'm so far behind where I wanted to be in that tutorial right now. Oy. I feel like I'm disappointing Deverell, and I hate that feeling. At least I've got some notes to turn in, but it just doesn't feel like anything enough, anything substantial. -sigh-

This was just one of those 'what on earth am I going to do with my life' days. When you look to the future and all you can see is a swirling mist, and there's no straight, clear path stretching for miles ahead for you to mark out and say, "THIS is the road I will travel." I feel like my time here's been nothing but a series of winding, foggy forest paths which have all led to dead ends. I'm just hoping that this one takes me out of the wood and onto the plains...

Is certainty in life too much to ask? I'm not talking about trust and faith, I'm talking about reliable, solid certainty. Now that my current life's nearly untangled, I find that the lack of certainty in my future is rather frightening - I just don't *know* what I will be doing in several years, or a decade, or farther down the road. I talk to friends back home, and they're discussing plans for their upcoming marriage (yikes), or how their children (?!?!) are doing. And these women are younger than I am... this also concerns me. Here I am at age 20, roughly one-fourth through an average lifespan, but I still don't know if I'll ever want a family (still ambivalent on the kids issue... though it might be worthwhile), if I'll subsume having a family to pursuing my career or vice versa (like mom says she did), if I'll ever marry... heck, even if I'll ever carry on a relationship that doesn't fall apart when it encounters severe stress (though I have a great deal more faith in Sam than in virtually any other guy I've met).

Ah well. I know that I'll find out in time, but I often wish I had some reassurance that things will turn out ok... y'know, that I don't end up a failure in everything I attempt, or die within a few years before I have time to experience much of the world. I don't know why I'm here, but I plan to enjoy myself while I'm around.

Enough contemplation for tonight. I'm going to sleep.

In a small bout of flicking and as the result of an off-the-wall conversation with my little sister, it turns out that I'm edging away from Penguin and toward Otter (see www.animalinyou.com/~penguin.html and www.animalinyou.com/~otter.html). I guess the change makes sense. I'm certainly more emotionally open (and so, so much happier) now than I was at the beginning of s'more year (when I first stumbled across this website while flicking). And I'm much more trusting - I've recovered a lot of faith in other people over the past year. -shrugs- How we change as life goes on.

Ok, back to work for me.

Hm. I feel like a UCC again, in all but name... or maybe just like a concerned good friend (were they ever separate when I was a UCC for a while last year? Not really). In any case, it greatly saddens me to see a friend really upset. There's just that feeling of helplessness, that 'I can't do anything but offer words and hugs to help fix this, and I don't know if they'll be enough' feeling. As much as I want to help, I just don't know if anything I can do will make things better. And I tend to feel their emotions pretty strongly, especially afterwards, when I'm no longer focusing on helping the person and forget to suppress my sympathetic reactions to their emotions... thank goodness I have Sam to give me hugs, or I'd be pretty down right now. (Sam, you're the greatest. Honest.) Sometimes I think empathy (what Mom always called this acute sensitivity to other's emotions) is a curse rather than a blessing. There are definitely some days when I don't want to be able to tune in to what others are feeling through behavior cues and background, because dealing with my own emotions is difficult enough without automatically considering the emotions of everyone else who's interacting with me.

But despite the emotional feedback, I absolutely think it's worth my time and effort (my friends certainly are, any day of the week). It may sound odd to some, but I feel like my life has been justified in some way if I can help someone through a difficult situation - like I'm not just idly taking up space and drifting through life, but am actively involved in making someone's life better, decreasing conflict, and increasing happiness. It doesn't have to be particularly emotional in nature (like the recent Interhouse meeting), but I feel like I've done some good in this world if I've been able to come up with a practical solution to a problem, or ease someone's mind and share their burden. Which is funny, because I often have difficulties myself opening up to people and venting emotions. It's not healthy to bottle up emotions and bury them, and I know it, but at times it's still hard for me to express them... perhaps because in doing so, I become vulnerable, and that scares me. But I'm improving all the time. Perhaps one day this will no longer be a problem - I guess I'll have to wait and see.

-yawn- Aight, enough writing. Time for sleep, so I can work on Sunday.

A few words on tonight:

1) I'm proud of all of the frosh. Tonight was not easy for you, and I hated to see this conflict come to a head like it did. But so be it - it's resolved. At least this way, you're encouraging more people to work on Interhouse, and I'm proud of you for being inclusive in the work effort instead of excluding everyone who isn't oriented solely on construction. I just wish you didn't have to overcome such difficulties to include the artistically inclined in the Interhovse construction.

2) I'm proud of Raman, for taking an active role and worrying about how things were going to get done. You may be 'self-anointed psychobastard overseer', but you care about involving other people in this house and getting interhouse done, and that is incredibly important right now.

3) I'm proud of Sam, for speaking up on behalf of the artistically inclined when all I could do was silently fume in rage (otherwise, I would've been yelling at Gunnar, and yelling never solved anything). I'm also proud of him for helping direct and organize the meeting with Raman, as well as volunteering to help build the boat. I wish I could've reacted that way...

4) In the end, we came up with a damn good plan. One week to Interhouse. Together, we can do this. I've got faith in the frosh, and I think we can pull this off. Build Interhovse, moles!
----
On an unrelated note, I finally fell off in riding today - the first time since we left TES. Boo was being obnoxious and shied right, and I kept going straight... straight down, that is. Managed to prevent another fall when he tried to pull a similar trick, learned how to lunge a horse from Davee's example, then took a few fences with him. Not much injured except my pride, I suppose - lower back still hurts a little (landed canted to the left on my backside and felt my lower back kinda crunch along a span of vertebrae), but I think it'll be fine if I stretch and take it easy over the next week. 'Twas the lesson for bruises today, anyway... haven't been this beaten up from riding in a long, long time. But it's ok, 'cause I've learned something from every injury.

Random thoughts:
While walking back to Blacker from German, I realized that for the first time in nearly two years (since sometime freshman year?), I can say I'm truly happy in *all* respects, and I'll actually miss this place when I leave (not to mention missing the people). But for most of sophomore year, I thought I'd never want to think about this place again once I'd graduated. Funny how opinions can change so drastically.

Also, German's awesome. =D I'm actually getting to the point where I can listen and decipher full sentences with only a little effort. It's strange to be hearing something that isn't English and comprehending it - I'm used to translating written texts from my 4 years of high school Latin, but now I'm beginning to see how much I missed by not taking a language with auditory components. Ah well, that's fixed soon enough. I've had passing thoughts of taking beginning French during senior year - that way, I'm working with up to 4 languages a day! (English for usual life, Latin for medieval history senior thesis sources, German for conversational use and sources, and French for kicks) It sounds like fun... well, until I get VERY confused (probably sometime during the second or third week of class ;). Still, I'm tempted to try. After all, the more languages I become competent in, the better my chances in the historian/professor job market, not to mention other possibilities... I wouldn't say no to becoming an interpreter, if I ever become proficient in a modern language. Or a tour guide through Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Now that'd be a sweet deal...

For the first time in a couple years, I've got a paying gig as a musician! Performing John Rutter's Requiem with Wendy Caldwell at a Good Friday service - it should be fun. Last time was at home, after my senior year of high school, performing with two violinists for a local Catholic wedding. As I see it, gigs are basically getting paid to have fun. After all, practicing and performing the music puts me in a terrific mood, AND I get money - it's a fantastic deal. Music's never been as much of a burden as a real job. ;)
Speaking of gigs, I keep thinking that perhaps I should get together with a group of other chamber musicians and advertise as an ensemble catering to weddings, parties, that sort of thing. It's tempting. Perhaps I should ask Delores about this someday. If you're interested, email me, 'cause I'd like to try this next year.

This may've cropped up sometime last year, but I never got around to really thinking about it. So here we are - people and things that make me happy, in the typical ADD "free flight of ideas" order: playing flute, performing music with the orchestra, my friends who care about me and make me laugh both here and at home, Sam LL, horses & riding under Davee's instruction, my family (when we all manage to get along ;), my dog (my Red :), being mobbed by Red and our other dogs whenever I'm home, learning about medieval history, hugs, feeling loved, being warm, learning to act in character for D&D, being useful, being appreciated, having people actually listen to me and value what I say, tickle fights (both won and lost - you laugh either way ;), working crosswords with Abby and other people in the lounge at lunch :), losing myself in a good book for hours on end, being 'clever', solving puzzles in FF6 and other entertaining games, cleverly presented puns, mock sword-fighting with Jimmy, mattress-diving from the mantel, Star Wars (movie and music), Lord of the Rings (books, movies, and music), pine trees and mist-shrounded ponds, autumn in east texas, a crescent moon and stars in a night sky, mythologies, Harry Potter (books, movies, and music), Beowulf (Seamus Heaney edition), Shakespeare, German, Latin, mocha frappucinos, small birds like sparrows and wrens that hop around the tables by the red door and chandler, squirrels, forests, foxes and wolves, open spaces with little to no trace of civilization, rock scrambling, hot tea, iced tea, daydreaming, writing (prose or poetry), the Dragonriders of Pern series, painting, sketching, sculpting, creating figurines and other sundry items with 22+ gauge wire, working with my hands in general, shoulder and back massages, feeling sand between my toes, the PCH, swimming in the ocean (but only in summer and fall), traveling to Ireland and Germany :), hope, feeling in control of my future, seeing the frosh have fun, watching the smores celebrate being off core, peace within the house, good health, yoga (the way the previous teacher taught it... -sigh-), lying on the grass and watching the leaves move in the breeze, sun glinting off ripples in water, roller coasters, spaceflight, listening to celtic, classical and jazz music, virtually anything by Ella Fitzgerald, driving out to the stable through the lovely green mountains....

Goodness, that's a long list. I have a lot to be thankful for... gotta remember this when my spirits are low.

More random thoughts:
I wonder why I just haven't felt hungy lately - recently, I haven't been getting hungry, just lightheaded when I don't eat (or forget to eat). And eating makes me somewhat nauseous. I don't know what's going on... I feel fine otherwise. Ah well... guess it'll pass with time.
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D&D Summary:
Last night's D&D session went an hour over, namely because we had such difficulties trying to puzzle out how to pull one chestnut out of the fire for Alesandrus. Goodness, what a tangled web that was.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We managed to catch the Snaketongue assassin - it turned out to be Tylan, that blackguard. The others snagged him with help from Melvin's nifty 'access transdimensional space with a rope' trick, and hid out next to the tree with the hole in the trunk. Unfortunately, Lyra had gotten bored sitting around in the transdimensional space, and had decided that scouting the area as a wolf was a better plan, so she missed out on the fun. -sigh- She did so want to rip his throat out... after Ethan's death, she felt it was her fault for not having the proper spell memorized, and had her heart set on on avenging his death. But that's in Alesandrus' hands now, more's the pity. Ah well. If she ever sees him outside of that prison, it's certain he won't have another chance for Alesandrus' mercy. AND he certainly won't be using the poison in that false tooth to escape justice... Lyra made sure of that when she cast that immensely useful 'neutralize poison' spell on him. She hadn't intended it to save the assassin's life, but it certainly made the interoggation much easier - otherwise, they would have had to cut the tooth from Tylan's jaw (painful as anything and awfully messy) and risk the chance of breaking it and losing their informant. Ah well. At least she's helped bring him to justice, and Ethan's alive. Though she's still not sure about this 'Great Ones' business, and she's extremely dubious that she could be one of them.

Anyway, after we finished that mission, Alesandus decided to send us on a more delicate mission to a friend of his - Baron Marcos De Marsalas - who was betrothed to a noble lady who thought little of Alesandrus. In a normal family, this wouldn't matter... but in this particular family's tradition, the wife of the baron inherits command of the baron's military forces upon her marriage. this was somewhat worrisome to Alesandrus. So our ragged little band was sent to the baron to ensure that Alesandrus got his support... what a nightmare. We marched in there not knowing exactly what we were going to do, and boy did we suffer because of it. I still say we could have pulled off a plan or two that we came up with in the middle of that mess, IF we'd decided on that course of action at the beginning. Lyra might have even consented to masquerade as a foreign baroness to win the affections of the baron and break the betrothal... well, as long as it didn't stretch to seduction (no, Toes, Lyra's just not that kind of woman). The other problem was trying to figure out what angle to take with whom - Diana, the baron's bethrothed, seemed a grasping, ambitious, manipulative sort who was bent on marrying Marcos for his money and power, whereas Marcos was a wishy-washy, unintelligent, albeit honorable, sort of fellow. Toes, Hoon, and Ethan finally managed to steal a few letters from Diana's room (with Lyra in wolf form acting as a diversion for the gardeners outside her manor... wheee, nothing like being chased by two fellows holding a shovel and a trowel. =D) to prove that she'd been investigating other potential matches during her betrothal to Marcos... not really enough to take her out for good, but perhaps enough for a premise to break the contract. As we were arguing over to do next, Sam gave in and allowed the baron's mother to accept those letters as evidence with which to break the betrothal. So at least that's taken care of. But I just feel like we weren't being as clever as we should have been... Sam wouldn't give us something that we couldn't figure out in a lot less time. -sigh-

Honestly, I hate to say it, but irked me that we couldn't come up with some kind of solution, and Sam had to step in and help us. We should have been able to figure out a solution without being so pathetic as to need obvious DM assistance... but oh well. I certainly wasn't being too clever about it. Ah well, all the better for the next similar mission... right? Clearly, our first choice should be "to dress Lyra up all purdy-like" (-Toes) and enlist her as seductress/mistress... I mean, set her up as a noble lady. ;) With that high of a diplomacy score, she's bound to pick up manners and customs of the nobility faster than any of the rest of the party... with some practice, she could pull it off. Might be fun... and she could be deadly even without visible weapons. Ah, the fun of playing a spellcaster... you look innocent and unarmed, but you're probably better off than a swordmaster with the combination of your offensive magic and cure spells. :)

Anyway, it looks like things are heating up around Alesandrus' camp, literally. As we traveled back to the army's camp, we saw smoke and flames from that area... can't wait to see what happened to cause this in our absence.

Wow. With the country music playing on the courtyard speakers and my sinuses going haywire, it feels like East Texas...

Fun times in Vatican last night... first watching Sam play Natural Selection (always draws a crowd), and then some D&D discussion and sketchwork with Mike Wilson as Sam and Dan played M:tG. Mike's drawn head shots of the D&D company, and, inspired by his excellent anime-style work, I decided to try to draw Lyra as I pictured her: with hide armor (not a dress), scimitar and dagger in her belt, and her hawk on her arm.

(Aside: I wonder how Mike's final image of Lyra's full length portrait turned out... at first, he drew her like a man. Boy was that amusing... ;) And then, his reaction was hilarious when I told him that he clearly needed to look at more women to get a sense for the female proportions of shoulders, chest, waist, hips, and legs... he looked somewhat shocked. Hehehe. -devilish grin- But I guess if you didn't grow up looking at this kind of figure in the mirror, then you wouldn't be used to sketching female contours... and he's a LOT better than I am in general bodily proportions, especially for male characters. Sorry Mike, I really shouldn't make fun of you... and many thanks for the general tips for proportions: a body is roughly 7 1/2 heads long, with 3 1/2 for the torso and 3 1/2 for the legs. Seriously, you're awesome.)

Not sure if she quite turned out the way I'd intended, but I'm rather pleased. She looks happy... not sure if she usually has a smile on her face, but perhaps it's one of those rare moments when she's smiling at something amusing from Lacha or Melvin, or watching Ethan with his weasel, or listening to Toes play his flute (or remembering being in wolf form. now that's a good time ;). I don't think she's usually an open, happy person... she was very close to her mother, and trained under her in druidic tradition. Since her mom died (victim of some magical assassin), she's been trying to make ends meet for herself and Lacha partly to atone for her failure to save her mother (also because she cares deeply for her sister, virtually her only remaining family). And now, since Melvin et al. allowed her to come along and fulfill a purpose in life again, she feels a strong obligation to protect the party as a healer (why she was devastated when she couldn't save Ethan). Add this to her strong streak of intelligence and common sense, and she's probably more serious and practical than this most of the time. But I'm not about to begrudge her a few happy moments - she hasn't had too many in recent months. Anyway, the picture's on my door, and might be scanned sometime in the near future.

Also, Brown's class was really fun today - his discussions are always fun, especially when there's a group of students who actually does the reading. Fortunately, it looks like this will be a fun group to puzzle out the meaning of passages... the discussion over Acts and Matthew today was pretty productive, in my opinion. Here's to another fun Brown class.

What else... oh yeah, I never wrote about my last riding lesson. Had to be the best time ever - Boo behaved himself beautifully, he listened, and I felt the most comfortable on him that I ever have. :) As Davee said, "That was beautiful! He was at a controlled, easy canter, and you were relaxed and smiling! That's the way it should be!" Yup, riding's awesome. Jumping's getting easier, too - I'm still working on low fences, but my recovery time from two-point's getting quicker (no more slouching and collapsing back to full seat), and I've begun doing fences in succession. So, so much fun... Sandy, you were right. Jumping's possibly the most fun thing you can do on a horse. Though I'd still like to try a few more elements of dressage.

Hm. Maybe I should go eat something now... catch you guys later.

Wow. I feel like the luckiest person in the world...

As it turns out, I'm not just going to Ireland on the Bishop, but I'll also be in Germany for two weeks for FREE, thanks to a fund with the Associates and Professor Warren Brown. Apparently, the Associates (association for donors to tech) schedules several trips every year for members, and this year, Brown's leading one through sites in Germany pertinent to medieval history. And yesterday, the secretary for the Associates called him up, mentioned that there were extra funds and asked if he'd like to take two students along for free... so he was kind enough to offer the opportunity to Joe and me. Of course, we both jumped at the chance (after we'd gotten over the shock/disbelief stage). I still find it difficult to believe. I had enough trouble believing that I was actually going to the field school in Ireland... that's absolutely incredible. But Germany too?? Yikes.

Perhaps I came to the right school after all... would I have managed to stumble into *two* fantastic study abroad opportunities if I'd gone to UT Austin? Would I have ended up in history, or continued in physics and discovered only in grad school that it wasn't for me? Who knows... but I'm darned glad I stayed at tech now. For many reasons beyond these two trips to Europe... for my awesome friends who've never let me down, for realizing that history, not science, was what I really loved, for the fun and wacky times I've had in the house. I can't say it's ever been boring here. And I don't know if I would've really found and pushed my limits at UT. Perhaps. But I'll never know now. Best course from here on out is similar to jumping, I think: keep the eyes forward, don't worry about what you've just accomplished, and look for the next fence to tackle. Just to continue to live in the present, without regret for what's happened in the past. It gets easier all the time...

Anyway, better get to work on an 101 and h 161 reading...