6/25/03
Summary of life at home over the past couple days: Mom’s stressed, Dad’s stressed. Mom gets really unhappy because Dad comes home and begins chewing her out for not having dinner on the table, or booking a place to sleep in Dublin for the trip, or something else after she's been working as a volunteer for the band fireworks warehouse most of the day.

A word about the fireworks: Mom’s band booster vice president this year, will be president next year, and she’s putting in 6 hours a day at least as office manager on this stupid firework warehouse fundraiser venture. I know it’s not fun, because I’ve been with her, helping her the past few days - the supervisor is awful. She can’t explain things at all in training, has changed the contract and her advice to the managers several times, and treats her subordinates like idiots. If I were working for the woman, I would’ve quit after day 3 - she’s that frustrating.
---Funny anecdote: This woman couldn’t find a group to run one of her warehouses, so she hired employees to work there. On the morning of the third day, she came to work to find that every single one of them had returned their cash register keys to her and quit. Just goes to show who we’re dealing with here.---
The thing is, the band boosters contracted with her to run the warehouse before this fourth of july and later this year, before new year’s - so we’re not employees per se, but volunteer labor. We don’t get paid, but this is to raise funds for the band (which desperately needs it, for the band trip later this year and other miscellaneous stuff, since its funding was cut this year after a budget shortfall. Curse you, former Superintendent Culver, for running MY high school and LISD into the red with your flagrant spending and idiocy, and may you never, ever show your face in Longview again.) So if the volunteers walk out, the band loses. Anyway, Mom deals with this, supervising the band kids on the floor for 6 hours (and that’s just one shift!!) per day, then pays bills, runs errands, tries to plan the trip, etc. It’s awful. Much as I hated selling door to door, I’d prefer that to selling fireworks under this woman.

Anyway. Dad does this because he’s stressed and needs an outlet for his irritations from work, and little things will set him off - he doesn't know how to relax. Stress makes it harder for Mom to lose weight, another key point of contention with Dad. Dad nags about weight et al, Mom gets more stressed, and the vicious cycle continues.

Where do I fit in? I feel there’s very little I can do. I forget this when I’m at tech - I hear about it in snips over the phone, but I’m isolated from the daily conflict while I’m at school. I remember worrying about this a few times, thinking that if I were home, I could help… but right now, it seems like I can’t do anything to alleviate the tension. I talk things over with Mom and tell her that I support her and love her, and that she’s doing a good job. I try to talk with Dad, but as soon as I bring up the trip or Mom, Dad jumps all over me or starts complaining about Mom. I think it’s a problem with priorities - Mom’s putting her obligations to Kat and the band first (“I’m vice-president - I have to help with this, even though I didn’t agree with the idea when it was proposed. We signed on to do this as a group, and I’m a leader of this group - if I don’t do this, no one will.”), while Dad’s utterly focused on work, and refuses to help with the band at all this year (“don’t sign me up for any of that”), and put Mom completely in charge of planning the trip.

--Update: As with most things, this got better after everyone slept on it. Dad feels bad and apologized, Mom's feeling better, and I don't feel dragged into the middle anymore. Hooray!---

The more I watch the interplay between Mom and Dad, and the more I think back on my dad’s mom, the more I realize that what I’ve been exposed to - positive and negative - has really shaped what I look for in a relationship. I'm usually easygoing and relaxed, but I have a very low tolerance for quick tempers, raised voices and harsh criticism that refuses to even consider other perspectives. I can’t stand people who are pretentious, or feel they’re owed something in life. And I prefer someone who doesn’t work themselves into a frenzy over nothing, but takes life with a calm, cool perspective, and can calm me down when I start to worry about the variables I can’t control. My only question now is, how’d I get so lucky with Sam? ;)

Sam, sometimes I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’ve been so good and caring to me over these past 4 months, and I miss you. I’m really happy you’re coming out to visit me this weekend - it’ll be so good to see you again before October.

Oh yes. That's the good news. Sam's coming to visit me this weekend. :) At least there's a ray of sunshine up ahead. I know things will get better, but it's difficult to have faith in that sometimes.

Excellent news over the past few days:

1) I have a place to stay in Dingle - after the B&B turned me down flat, BOTH hostels got back to me (yaay!), so now the only problem will be deciding between them. Well, and figuring out where to stay in Kinsale, Kilkenny, Cashel, Dublin...

2) Report card's back. For the first time in a long, long while, I didn't cringe while opening it.
medieval church: A
junior tutorial: A (A+ once I submit edits)
german: A-
Passes for everything else, including anthropology. A 3.9 term? You've gotta be kidding me! The last time I had a GPA like that was in high school...

Should've been a history major to begin with. But then, I wouldn't have gone to caltech... wouldn't have met the terrific people I know through Blacker and other houses... wouldn't have discovered medieval history, interacted with Professor Brown or Deverell or Washburn. I might not have taken so many academic and emotional beatings, but wouldn't be as wise as I hope I am now.

Perhaps it's better to not wonder "what if..."s, but to look ahead, especially since:

3) Sam may be visiting! :) He's in Livingston, probably the closest he'll ever get to Longview (especially since he'll probably not want to go back after this ;). If everything works out, he'll be coming to spend next weekend in Longview (and what's more, Longview will look GOOD after Livingston.) Hooray! :)

Ah, entertainment.

You are Elinor Dashwood of Sense & Sensibility! You are practical, circumspect, and discreet. Though you are tremendously sensible and allow your head to rule, you have a deep, emotional side that few people often see.

Take the Quiz here!

So, who didn't see that one coming?

I received quite a compliment from Grandmom yesterday. Mom and I were dropping her off at her home after taking her to the podiatrist’s for an emergency appt (her foot was acting up badly - turned out to be a bone spur :( ). After talking during the return trip from Tyler, we pulled up in front of her house. “You know Kirsten, I don’t really have any qualms about you going overseas and traveling this summer. I would’ve worried last year.”
“Why? What’s the difference?”
-smiles- “You’re so much more mature and wiser now. Amazing what a year will do.”

I love my Grandmom. I just wish she wasn't so stressed about Granddad... -sigh- I dearly hope someone finds a preventative measure (or better yet, a cure) to Alzheimer's sometime in the next 30 years. I don't want to watch my parents slowly lose the ability to think, to remember, to live.
---
Prompted by Grandmom's comment

Kirsten's year in review:
-Summer-
3 week Rotary trip to Austria (prompted all those jokes about the 17-yr-old Austrian... if you don't know, just ask)
Had SURF in Davidson lab under Veronica
Decided bio research wasn’t my cup of tea
In the meantime, did some crazy hours in lab, watched a lot of movies with Joe and other friends, late nights at Shau May with Sangeeta et al, and watched Mike and Chuck do musical improv on keyboard in Tunnel (wow, they’re good)
Riding at TES, starting lessons under Julia and Davee (both really great instructors), and making leaps and bounds in riding progress
Sam vs the World Knightmare Chess game, the 6 hour Kirsten vs. Jimmy Knightmare Chess game that I won (3 Queens! 3 Queens! muahaha :), LOTR board game, and many other games in Vatican
Painting the wall (or trying valiantly) in 25 (I never did finish it)
Getting to know Sam really well

-Fall-
Wisdom teeth out at home
Being in orchestra again :)
Rotation week as secretary, + being on picks team. Yikes.
Struggling through bi upper level courses
Enjoying myself in Deverell's History of CA class
Deciding to devote time/energy to history, dropping bi major right before drop day
Uncertainty of emotions. Lots of introspection, self-discovery, meditation.

-Winter-
Christmas break - nothing spectacular, just good and relaxing
Switching from TES to 3D Farms to follow Davee when she left - Yussanne and I never looked back. Happier horses, happier people, much more challenging lessons. Learning a WHOLE lot more in riding, and finally being pushed to reach our potential. beginning to jump :)
The Columbia disaster, all crew members lost on re-entry
"Dream as though you will live forever.
Live as though you will die tomorrow."
Difficulties with emotions again
Tickling Sam and stealing Shobo et al. (the great room heist! That turned out to be not-so-great… but could’ve been terrific!! ;))
Dislocating my toe, and the amusing (in retrospect) emergency room trip with Sam and Pat at 2 AM Thursday morning.
Beginning a relationship with Sam LL (best thing all year?)
Joining chamber music midway, playing with Jesse Liptrap and Robert Dirks
Really enjoying my history classes… well, except ec, but even that was ok.
Starting D&D with Sam, Mike, Pat, Brian, Nate, Abby, and Luigi - so much fun :)
Learning how to play Magic, and whaling on Dan the first 6/7 I played him ;)
Taking german again… and enjoying it :)
Yussanne's grandmom dying :( :( and Yussanne going to Hong Kong for several weeks
Not being secretary anymore… wow, it feels good.
Being on socteam - de ja vu. Just like frosh year, but I'm working a lot more, mainly with transportation

-Spring-
Magic convention in LA with Sam LL, Andrea Mc, Dan - whoa. O.o didn’t do so well in the draft, but the dinner and walk to the santa monica pier afterwards was really nice
Enjoying every class except anthro, and making the right decision in p/fing it.
Taking an active part in discussions in brown's class - most vocal I've ever been since h/hum 3a freshman year (only 3 people in that class ;)
Sangeeta moving to Santa Monica with Joe :( Wish she was closer
Problems with D&D :(
Coping with the breakup of friends (very thankful for Sam here)
A decent roompick draw + socteam pick (amazed that that happened) = living in 8 next year. Wow. Pub will be a terrific alley :)
Ditch Day : Narnia, the Stack by Jane and Sarah T.
Vikki and John's wedding
A good ponding in Millikan for my birthday :)


What a wonderful year it's been. I look back now, and realize that not only am I a much happier person, but I know more about myself and what I really want from life. Perhaps we're always changing, but I think I've finally found the core of who I want to be. I've learned that happiness cannot be sought outright; that it is more a way of living than a destination, and the little things are what make life worthwhile. I have caring, supportive friends on whom I can rely in difficult times, and who can and will rely on me; I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend. And perhaps most importantly, I believe in my self-worth, and I believe that I can reach where I set my sights.

If I can remember all of this in the years to come, I think it'll save me a lot of trouble. ;) Here's to another year!

Y'know, the more I plan for this trip to Ireland, the more I like being able to make my own itinerary. It's nice to look ahead, see that the accomodations for one place are pretty awful (and pricey as hell) and that it's generally a tourist trap, and decide to just skip the sucker altogether except for an hour or two of walking tour (*coughcoughWATERFORDcough*). Curse that glass factory... and they buried a church from 1170 below a shopping mall (*&@!#*$@ *@#$&**$#@!!!!!!!!!!!). Talk about historical travesties!!! Good god, can you get any worse?!

Anyway. The route planning is going well, I've already figured out what I'm doing for the first 4 days and where I'm staying (well, as soon as the cheap, friendly, centrally-located B&B in Dingle Town gets back to me). I just wish the Bus Eireann site was up. I'm working out rail transfers now, but it's tricky to know when you'll get into a smaller town with a bus connection with the info in the travel books (4 buses per day this way... but when?? it's a mystery!). And considering that I'll be in mainly small towns at the beginning (Dingle Town, Kinsale) this is fairly important. Ah well. Once I hash it all out, it's going up here so I have a reference in case I lose my itinerary and info in Ireland (also so you guys can see where I am and maybe even send a letter? ;) nah, I'm kidding. email is absolutely fine, and after all, it won't get lost in the international mail). Hooray for internet cafes. :)

Many, many things happened over the past several days, including:
-a fantastic last riding lesson on Gambit, then talking with Davee for a while
-the incredibly good cake that mom and dad were nice enough to request for me from CDS (thanks very much!! :)
-john and vikki's wedding (most informal ever - also the funniest, and it certainly fit those two to a T - congrats guys! :)
-waaaaay too much moving of my junk and others'. Yikes.
-my 21st birthday - complete with terrific ponding (thanks to everyone who helped - it was really awesome :) and requisite shot glass of scotch (thanks for the glass, ramen), plus a taste of Fred's supersweet Austrian blueberry wine-ish stuff. and a few terry pratchett books from Sam! Wow! :) Yaay for something funny to read going home :)
-leaving sam :( (of all the things happening right now, i wish this wasn't on the list) I'll definitely have fun wherever I am this summer, but I'm going to miss him a lot. Have fun in Louisiana, dear, and please write often. And remember: no gorgeous Irishmen (or Austrians!!) for me means no lovely Louisianians for you. ;) I love you.

As my Supershuttle comes at 11:30, I believe I'll be going to sleep now. But I'll certainly have plenty of time to sit and elaborate on the above topics at home... when I'm not meeting with friends, or studying German and Latin and medieval history, that is.

So this is it. Take care you guys, keep in touch, and I'll see all you techers in 4 months!

I really should be working on my paper for h 161 that's due at 2 PM. However, I'm curiously lacking in motivation right now. (Huh, fancy that... only took a german exam around 11 PM last night, then tried to skim several articles for an 101, went to sleep around 3:30 AM, woke at 8 AM and promptly began the 5 hour ordeal virtually cold-turkey... only it was just 4 hours until it was due.)

Anyway, I figured I'd chronicle the other wonderful things that have happened since yesterday. First of all, German was AWESOME. Perhaps I've missed my calling... languages are just so darn fun. They're like puzzles, and once you have the key (vocab and conjugations and declensions), they're easy to unlock. It's fascinating. Maybe I should've been a linguist... or majored in German elsewhere, so I could become a translator. Ah well. In any case, German wasn't supereasy, but I got this incredible feeling from being able to decipher these passages and translate both ways. Knowledge is power. :)

Anyway, an 101 wasn't so bad. I definitely got over half the points, ergo I'm pretty darn sure I passed, considering how I did on the midterm and homework. Hurrah.

Then, a bunch of friends and I went over to Nate and Tina's new place, which they've lovingly dubbed 'The Stick' (see www.homestarrunner.com for more about this). They were cool enough to have a BBQ for their friends - kind of an impromptu housewarming party - and it was a great break from work. Also, we played Botticelli - an interesting variation on 20 questions, in that the questioners have to stump the questionee with a question referencing a person of their own choice before they get to ask a question about the original unknown character. Everyone kept saying that my clues sounded like crossword clues. :) I guess it comes from attempting the crossword in the LA Times as often as possible (ie when Abby hasn't gotten to it already ;).

And to top it off, it turns out that Sam's not leaving right after term ends, but on the coming Wednesday. So I get to see him for another couple days (and on my birthday!) before we're apart for 4 months. Hooray! :) And hopefully he'll be able to relax now that junior year's over... he and every other phys major here have been sucking it up for the past several terms. Louisiana'll be a nice change of scene for him (well, different and interesting anyway), and the workload'll be a LOT lighter. Boy will I miss him though. Thank goodness there's email, and the postal service for when I'm traveling.

Yup, it's been a terrific week. Best finals week EVER. I just can't believe I'm this happy with my life right now... it's such a change from who I was sophomore or even freshman year. I've got fantastic, supportive, caring friends; I'm in a stable relationship with a wonderful, caring fellow (love you Sam); I'm going to Ireland for 9 weeks this summer with caltech funding, and then to Germany for 2 weeks (and Germany's FREE!!!). I mean, this is ridiculously good - you'd think this would never happen except on TV sitcoms. I feel like I should be waking up to real life any moment now... I want to go around grinning from ear-to-ear all the time, even skipping around campus, I'm so darned happy. Maybe I should make sure no one's spiking the water fountain with happy pills... ;)

Deverell really liked my paper!! He said that I'd done a really terrific job of treating both large and small issues in a difficult topic, and he was quite impressed with the quality of work. -grins- Also, I'm getting an A+ in that class - I'll be editing the paper as soon as he sends me his suggestions.

Hooray! I'm not a failure as a historian. -beams- Take that, self-doubt!

After a long, long time, and nearly 6000 words, I'm done with my junior thesis paper. Now, to hear back from deverell and see what he thinks I need to change... but I won't be spending much time at all on it until friday, if things need a little help.

Anyway... Hooray! :)

And now, time to put the nose to the grindstone and clamber through both german and anthro exams today... german shouldn't be so difficult, but I've got to do a ton of skimming for anthro. ah well. Pass/Fail, junior! ;)

Today I spent mainly on my h 97 paper. At this point, it's very near done - I should flesh out a couple more sections, write a conclusion, then submit that sucker to deverell. Hopefully he'll have enough time to read it before 5 PM tomorrow, which is when he wanted to meet with me... I won't mind making corrections on it, as long as they're not too involved. I'm just hoping that I don't have to take any work home with me - I really don't want to E this course. But I also want to do well.

I also spent a good several hours today packing and moving stuff up to one of the closets in room 8, my room for next year. It's the only storage room over the summer, so I've been begging Jon Foster to clean one of his closets so I can move some of my things up there before everyone else stuffs it full of their boxes... it'd really be miserable if I had to store my boxes in the SAC over the summer, then move 'em all up 3 stories of stairs to my room as soon as I got back, midway through rotation week. It seems like I can avert that case now - I just need to pack the rest of this stuff up by Friday night, then transfer it over to 8 Saturday morning ASAP. Also, I'll need to borrow someone's floor to sleep on for a couple nights, as I'm staying till monday, but don't have a summer contract guaranteeing me a room. Staying in this room for an extra 2 days just wasn't worth the money to housing (or the inconvenience to whoever's moving in (I think Jared G). Anyway, right now most of my books, a couple bookcases, and a buncha miscellaneous stuff in boxes are taking up a closet in 8. And I've finally realized just how many books I've borrowed from Deverell (and the library) over the past term or two... since I moved them all into the places left by the books I've moved, it doesn't look like I have any fewer books on the shelves. Yikes.

Anyway, here's what the next couple days look like:

Wednesday: review german, do labs, take exam (10-5?). meeting with deverell at 5, dinner. skim anthro readings and take exam (7-12?).

Thursday: up at 10 to turn in exams. start in on h 161 paper outline and paper, hopefully finish by the evening and get back to packing.

Friday: turn in paper. perhaps a beach trip? celebrate being done, and hopefully have some fun with friends - if you're interested in dinner and a rented movie, please let me know. :) And pack.

Saturday: move remaining stuff that's not coming home/to Ireland/to Germany with me, and find a floor to stay on for this night and Sunday. Relax.

Sunday: Relax. Enjoy my birthday. Good god, I'll be 21...

Monday: HOME. :) and the beginning of my self-imposed exile from tech, for virtually 4 months. I'll miss you guys.

Things I'd like to experience in life before I die:
(because I like having a list of things to live for, and because I know that I'm only mortal)

more happiness, more love, more music, more time with the people I love, performing the Mozart Concerto in G and Mendelssohn's Midsummer Night's Dream Suite (somewhere), singing more, more travel, Scotland, England, Ireland, Germany, jumping horses well (perhaps even showing?), more books by terry pratchett, writing a children's book and/or at least one praised article on medieval history. More hugs. More endearments. More time with my beloved dog(s). Watching my little sister go through college and seeing what she decides to do with her life and numerous talents. Seeing more Shakespearean plays (and I'll get to do that when I'm home! Yaay for the Kilgore Shakespeare Festival - who said that East Texas has no culture? ;) Teaching (in music? in history?), either in college or freelance. Reading all of Shakespeare's plays, Keats, Wordsworth, Dickens. Learning to play recorder, or harp (another instrument). Living overseas for at least a while, for a new perspective on life. Learning to reach my potential and really live to the fullest extent possible, without being afraid of the future.

And to end, I'll quote Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof: "To Life!"

OoC concert at Decompression was entertaining - good job on the solos, Mick! ("Wherever You Will Go" was terrific, and the whistling bit on "You can call me Al" is always nifty :) And hooray for Tina and Ann! (the other moles in OoC, who didn't have any solo parts... but Tina did compose the medley of "Where Do You Go" and "How Do You Tell Someone" that they performed tonight.)

Now, back to work for me - if I put in another solid hour or so of work on this h 97 paper, I'll reward myself with finishing Loom. I can do this...

Yikes. I said I'd do work several days ago, and still haven't gotten much done. I have, on the other hand, gotten most of the way through Loom (a terrific music-puzzle based rpg), played some Magic, helped several people move, attended a farewell party for our awesome RA Fred (we'll miss you!!!), and other sundry things.

I think I'd better start in on the work...

But before that - Sam's awesome. And being loved by - and in love with - such a wonderful guy who values me (and thinks I'm awesome too!) is really great.

Ok, that's enough. :) Time for work.

Found something that attempts to figure out what you are and peg you to a specific religion: http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

Results for me?
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (98%)
3. Liberal Quakers (89%)
4. Reform Judaism (88%)
5. New Age (84%)
6. Secular Humanism (76%)

Hooray tolerance? That's probably the underlying theme here... and open-mindedness. I'm unsure whether or not there's a supreme being out there, but I think it more important to focus on improving ourselves in daily life. And I don't think it really matters if we receive a reward for good works in an afterlife (if there is one). I'd say the experience of learning to embrace your individuality (strengths and faults), use your full potential, and help others do the same in life is reward enough.

Note that conservative Christianity doesn't show up in the above list. It's funny, because someone (Harlan, I think) assumed I was Christian the other day when we were discussing the Chronicles of Narnia and its allegorical nature. I corrected him, but I guess it's a valid assumption to make, considering that I know a lot about Episcopalianism and can recite large parts of the service from memory (growing up and being confirmed in that faith will do that)... but I've never called myself Christian around here, and I find that a lot more comfortable for me. Perhaps part of the strain of being in Longview is having to constantly hear the question, "So, are you attending church out in California?" and deal with the fallout when I answer no. (I kid you not, I get that from friends from high school. Generally from not-so-close friends, who can't think of much else to talk about with me... Maryah and Tracy have never done that to me, and I thank them tremendously.) And perhaps the other part is going to church on Sundays to please Dad, because I don't want him to lose face in the community (there's the whole "where's your family?" question he'd prefer to avoid at church) - but I'm old enough to where I can think about the words on the page, and realize that I really don't agree with what everyone else is reciting. At least the Episcopal sermons lead you to think about applying faith and doctrine to daily life, instead of making you wish you could give a 5 minute rebuttal immediately afterwards and rip large holes in the minister's assumptions and arguments (I've wanted to do just that in a few services, including a Methodist wedding when the minister went on and on about how women are inferior to men and should submit to their husbands. Absolutely ridiculous... I can't believe the bride just sat there and listened, instead of disagreeing! I certainly wouldn't have stayed silent.). And the music is incredible - the organ, the choir, the breath-taking acoustics in the church. That, and the pleasure of making other people happy with my music, is why I still perform in church when I'm home. Some say they perform for the glory of God; I'm a good deal more mundane in my assessment. -shrugs- But if it makes people happy, and helps them attain the peace that most expect from a religious service, then I don't think it hurts me to perform at a service.

Wow. That was long-winded.

Grrrrrrrrrr. Don't want to write my h 97 paper. Just don't want to.

Also, I really don't want to do any more work until I go home.

Unfortunately, I don't think I can really let myself slack that much and not feel terrible later. On to work, then...

In the interest of utter hilarity:

If I were an Angelina Jolie, I'd be Lara Croft. (Don't choke - I kid you not, that's what it said ;)

Which Angelina Jolie are you? Find out!

You've gotta be kidding me. I can't compare to that figure!... I mean, to those counterweight... I mean, her stunning death-defying displays of macho-ness!

Also pretty funny:


Which Sarah Michelle Gellar are you? Find out!

So much for having a peaceful, calm life... seems like I always end up as the violent one.

Of course, I have no idea why... ;)

Yikes. Leashes can be dangerous...

Jenny and Arthi had brought Fakewich down on the leash, and those two, Ramen, Toomey and myself were sitting out on Blacker Beach playing with her. Everything was absolutely fine for twenty minutes or so. She was hopping around Jenny in circles when I noticed the leash twining around her back legs... I mentioned it to Jenny, Jenny moved to fix it, and Fakewich panicked. She began leaping around, screaming (yes, rabbits scream. It's a scary sound, and you'll only hear it when they're terrified), trying to get free... but the loop end of the leash was around Jenny's ankle, so the leaping only pulled it tighter and caused her to panic more. Arthi tried to grab Fakewich to free her legs, but she was jumping around too frantically. Although in hindsight it wasn't the brightest idea, all I could think of and say was, 'Let the other end go!' When Jenny had difficulties getting it off, I grabbed Jenny's ankle and pulled off the leash off her foot. With the leash slack, Fakewich instantly went bounding across part of Blacker Beach. The five of us tried to cover escape routes to the street and parking lot as she eventually loosened, then freed the leash from around her hind legs, slowing as she felt the tension give. After a couple of failed tries, we finally cornered her at the Ricketts Ath-side entrance, and Toomey and Jenny were able to approach her - Jenny removed the leash, and Toomey held her. Talk about luck... Toomey's amazingly good at handling rabbits. (Turns out, he's had 3 or 4 before - experience is a wonderful thing.) So he was able to calm her after a while, and it doesn't seem like the leash hurt her hind legs. Awfully frightening episode though... all I can think now is, what would have happened if she'd gone into the street instead of the other way? My actions could've killed her, but I couldn't think of anything else to do while she was panicking (and come to think of it, that's exactly what you should do with a horse or dog that's panicking at the end of a lead - just release the other end, and wait for them to calm down. So I guess it was a reasonable enough conclusion). Thank goodness everything turned out ok.

Also, you should probably go pet Fakewich now and tell her she's ok... go visit her in Arthi's room. She's a really fantastic rabbit. :)

One note about the previous day's post - the only problem with living from income from gigs as a flutist, is that there are too many flutists around. -sigh- However, as long as you're noticeable enough, it's not that much of a problem... it seems like you just need to get your name out there. That's basically what secured this gig, since Don had heard me play in the orchestra and accompanying the glee clubs.

Solution? Come up with a gig-focused ensemble for next year, and get some more performance experience. And make sure that I play in an orchestra/chamber group, wherever I'm going after here... more and more I think that gigs as a side occupation would be an enjoyable pursuit, as well as a nice supplementary source of income. Here's to the odd-jobbing life? At least I'll never get bored. ;)

-----

Life's been a lot better since yesterday... call me an idiot, but it took me a while to realize that not seeing Sam much at all for the past week had contributed to my sadness a couple days ago. (He'd had to take some extensions when he became sick early last week, and had to spend a fair bit of time catching up on those sets.) I guess I should've known why... considering that the last time I was treated that way (for months on end), the guy I loved felt the relationship wasn't worth continuing because of my problems/faults/etc, but didn't bother telling me until I hit emotional breakdown. I call myself abysmally stupid and blind for not seeing that coming and breaking it off a lot earlier... what a fool I was for believing in love that time. Definitely proved that Confucius was right - experience is the bitterest way to learn wisdom - and oh I did I learn a lot of wisdom from that. I guess I was just assuming (incorrectly) that the same thing was about to happen again - I've got to quit jumping to conclusions, and assuming results based on past experiences with entirely different people. I've gotten a lot better at that while being with Sam, but it still sneaks up on me sometimes. I also need to realize that I'm good enough to be loved - doubt still creeps in occasionally, when I'm not paying attention and on guard against it. Gotta get rid of these thoughts, but I've made a lot of progress down this road, and I'm a much happier person because of it (and because of Sam).

Anyway, Sam was kind enough to spend several hours with me yesterday, after he'd finished one of his finals due this week, and that helped a lot. It's amazing what a little reassurance and a few hugs can do. Thanks for caring, Sam :) - now just don't fail the 196 final! You can do it!

Unfortunately, I haven't made too much progress on the h 97 paper - got the outline, got the sketch of some paragraphs and a buncha bits here and there, but haven't stitched it all together yet. As I have another oral final-ish thing tomorrow in German, and need to read for a discussion in h 161, I probably won't do much on it tonight either... looks like it'll be thursday night before I really crack down on that paper. Saving it a little late, I'm afraid, but it'll get done. And I don't really want to take an E, so that's more motivation to finish quickly and do well.

Wow. o.o Just got paid for playing the John Rutter Requiem over at a Good Friday service earlier this year. Goodness...

Turns out, playing gigs can be lucrative... the check I just received for about 3 hours of rehearsal and a 2 hour performance is a darn sight better than the money I used to make from tutoring at home. Maybe I shouldn't ditch the idea of supplementing whatever I do after graduation with a little performing on the side. Also, it's fun. :)

Thank you, Don and Wendy Caldwell!!

Ever been through one of those days where you doubt everything good about yourself, and whether or not you can make it through the rest of the day/week/year? Yeah, that was today. Things shouldn't affect me like this, and they don't that often anymore (thank god). But when they do, the whole world comes crashing down, and I'm paralyzed by worrying about all the things I have no control over, and all I can see are the ways things will go wrong, or are changing for the worse. Thank you to the people who told me what an idiot I was for thinking that - I'm awfully glad to have you guys as my friends. (And much good luck to Sarah, who's got a couple presentations coming up and is really stressed over them, but who was sweet enough to drop me a line anyway... hope you do awesome on 'em. I'm almost ashamed of complaining about my problems, compared to yours. You deserve good luck more than I right now - hugs to you, you can make it.)

Part of the problem today was seeing how many things have changed recently... Abby's still unhappy from time to time, D&D's dead in the water (loss of one creative/emotional outlet, right as I was beginning to relax enough to not get headaches after every one from stress) from the loss of Mike and possibly Abby :( :( :(, orchestra and chamber music are both out for the year (loss of both musical outlets for creativity and emotions... I miss them a lot), and I just feel so uncertain about the future. Honestly, the future terrifies me if I think too much about it - but I can't help but think forward to try to figure out where I'm going to be and provide for that. I've always done that so I could be prepared for whatever came my way. But I've never felt so overwhelmed by it before. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, leave all my friends, and go it alone... again? It hurt to leave my high school friends, but it's going to be much, much worse to leave the friends I've found here... living around them and being there for each other during the rought times has made them practically family. I can't imagine leaving them and starting over again elsewhere. But I'll have to do that in a year... and all this plus the 20 page paper looming in the very near future made me want to hide in a corner and cry.

On the up side, I still managed to get some work done today - expanded my paper outline. Guess I'll be writing most of that 20-30 page h 97 paper tomorrow... that's the next really big thing on my back, and the sooner it's written and off my back, the happier I'll be.

The rest of term?
German labs and written exam
another set of h 161 readings for this week
h 97 paper (20-30 pages due wednesday) + revisions (hand in sometime next week?)
h 161 paper (5-10 pages, medieval church)
an 101 exam (so so screwed for this, so behind on the readings - 400+ pages? ... but at least I'm p/fing it)

I can make it... I can make it...

Today's June first. That means 14 days till I'm 21 (and boy is that strange)... also 12 days until this term ends, and I leave tech for the next 4 months.

For the first time in three years, I don't want to leave this place. Before, I've always been ready to go home and recuperate from the hellish workload, because I knew that the next round was coming up soon (even for the summers... hooray SURFs). I'll really miss everyone - I won't be anywhere near this place until sept 15, and the next day I leave for Germany. Not trying to complain, as I'll have a blast this summer. But not seeing the close friends who are practically family to me for 4 months is going to be really tough. :( The one bright lining to this cloud is that I will have internet access in Ireland, so I promise I'll email you guys.... and I would really appreciate a few emails in return, so I don't feel too left out of what's going on here and in Louisiana. Please don't forget about me.

Also, if you would like a postcard from Ireland, send me an email with your MSC, and I'll do my best to get one to you while I'm over there.