-sigh- Apparently, I'm just not a good alley assassin... wasn't even a good target. Why bother. I'll never get a kill anyway; I'm not bold, stealthy or creative enough. And jingle bells aren't stealthy enough either. I'm just losing points for Vatican.

Time for the stuff I've been putting off, I guess. I'll never understand these low points in my life. Not strong depression, just little blips on the radar where I think that perhaps this isn't worth the effort, perhaps I'm not good enough to be here... when all the negative recordings in my head start to play (You're not good enough for anyone. You're not smart enough. Who are you kidding? You shouldn't be here. You don't deserve the friends you have, or their goodwill. You aren't good enough on flute to be in the orchestra - you're making the ensemble sound bad. You deserved everything that happened to you last year, and more of the same. It was all your fault. You'll never be whole again; you'll never find love again; you'll never be able to touch anyone without ruining them. Why don't you just give up...), and I feel like curling up and crying somewhere alone. It rarely happens anymore, but occasionally it comes back, like now. And I still don't know how to fight it off.

Going off to read and try to come up with an core outline and intro. Maybe I can shake this mood by doing work.

Oh yeah... another idea of who I am. Unfortunately, it hits near the mark. Especially now. Wish I knew why I felt like this.

How Emotional Are You?
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"Sorrowdweller. You are not overcome by anger nor happiness. Your emotions are pretty well balanced, but you do tend to get somewhat emotional at times leaning towards depression and sadness. You have your own views of the world and while you do not see the beauty of life, you are not completely overwhelmed by darkness. Live and let live just because."

And I'm dead. It didn't even take a day this year - only 13 hours and 20 minutes, and I meet my downfall in Genetics lecture, at the hands of a lazy biologist (damn you, Chris!), dying from a BI master *and* with the note written on paper ripped out of my genetics notes. -sigh- Morals you could take from this: Never trust a biologist... or, Biology can be deadly. Perhaps this is my hint to switch over completely to history. ;)

In other news, assassination attempts so far by me: 1 on Michelle Swann (failed). Drat it, she almost opened her door... a shame Merc was there to open it for her. -sigh- Lost a few jingle bells there, but never fear, there're more where those came from. :)

If you want to read more about this great game of blood and revenge known as 'Alley Assassins', here's the website: http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~blacker/alleys/assassin/02/index.html
Have fun!

Other than that: The bi/ch 110 prof decided to be merciful and, instead of making the exam due thursday like it says, changed the due date to next tues. -sigh of relief- I won't die! Hooray!
However, I'd give my eyeteeth to beat the whey out of that whiney grad student in lecture who was complaining about how he had plans for the weekend. Well, dammit, if you want to do something over the weekend, just do the exam ahead of time. Not like anyone's stopping you, after all - and this gives us poor overworked undergrads a little breathing room. 'Why can't you make it due thursday still?' (a dozen undergrads turn around: "Because WE have other classes to deal with and other things going on over the next two days! Deal with it!") Thank you, Prof Richards :)
I honestly didn't know if I was going to get to sleep tonight or tomorrow night if that exam was due thursday morning... orchestra and riding take a hefty chunk out of my mid-week schedule, but they're essential to my sanity. AND I've got loads of hum reading to catch up on... let it slide last week, and it's coming back to bite me now. 400+ pages of reading, anyone?
AND the core 1a intro. Still reading for that too. Need to write that draft tonight after orchestra rehearsal, as I'm meeting Professor Eaton tomorrow morn at 10 AM to go over it...

And (the after-)life goes on. Will update later this week, once I come up for air again... or make a kill... muahahaha -evil grin- Catch you guys later!

More randomness:

I'm actually editing my SURF paper! Wow! Will submit edited copy to mentor later today along with lab book and AmDelta and AmTbrain sequence info she's requested.

The Health Center actually gave me amoxicillan and Allegra-decongestant. -shock- I'll actually get better without begging my mom and dad to send antibiotics from home! It's a miracle! I can breathe again :)

Found another book by Diamond last night at Borders before they shut - Guns, Germs and Steel. Hopefully it'll be useful for core 1a paper; if not, it'll be fun reading anyway.

Alley Assassins starts tonight at midnight... oh boy oh boy oh boy. And I'm a target - again. :) Let's see how long I survive without a roommate this year... and how many people I can kill. -evil grin- Muahahaha

Time for a few random thoughts:
Bleh. I hate being sick. I just hope the quack shack gives me antibiotics for this sinus infection instead of telling me it's just a cold. After having one after a cold every year for the past 20 years of my life, I should think I know when the bacterial infection begins... but they sure didn't believe me frosh year. -sigh- Ah well. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Why can't housing bother to turn on the radiators? It's COLD out! I shouldn't have to go elsewhere to be warm... not that I mind getting out of my room, but c'mon. I shouldn't be shivering in my room, especially if I'm sick.

Ever since my 20th birthday, it seems that I'm a magnet for 35+ year old men whenever I'm offcampus without friends (current tally: 4). I figured this was because I aged prematurely last year. Yet I've been told I look pretty youthful by frosh... this is odd. And disturbing - does this mean I attract the pedophiles? -shudder- And how do I avoid these situations without dragging along friends every time I want to go to ralph's or to read/study at peet's or starbucks? ARGH. I don't understand this.

Mmmm, wasting time...
According to the Star Wars and LOTR personality tests, I'm most similar to Princess Leia and Legolas (respectively).

After what I posted a couple days ago, this result is really amusing. Got this result the second time:

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
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It's especially amusing since these 'priorities' are nowhere on my list right now... well, close to the bottom, in any case. Right now, focus is on confidence, independence and strength... more like the red result I got the first time, really, minus the 'sexuality/sensuality' bit. Expression is more through music and art (mainly painting).

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
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I just wish I knew who I was for certain... I don't seem to fit any boxes, stereotypes, or other classifications. -shrugs- I guess that's a good thing - suppose that means I'm unique. Or a mass of contradictions. Go figure.

Ah, updates. What's new recently:

Riding: Rode New Hampshire on wednesday night... I still feel somewhat uncomfortable on him, though I don't know why. He has decent gaits and is responsive (if you have a crop), but there's just something - I don't know. Nothing spectacular happening there, like Tennessee or Colorado - I just haven't figured out how to connect with this horse yet. It'll take a while - this'll be another 'learning experience', I expect.

Family: Looks like I'll be going home for Thanksgiving (hooray!). Was planning on going to the Munth Thanksgiving get-together if I stayed here, but Mom and Dad want me home, mainly because my granddad's not doing so well anymore. Better to spend as much time with him as possible... argh, one of the reasons gnawing at me for changing focus from bio to history is that I won't be able to do something to find a cure or prevention for Alzheimer's. I hate watching him deteriorate and remembering how he was before the disease came; I hate watching my beloved granddad fade and my grandmom become more and more stressed because of it. Why can't things just stay the same? I sometimes wish I could go back to frosh year, and this is just another reason for it. My grandparents were as I remembered them, and I thought they'd never change... I hadn't realized how rough or cruel life and other people could be... didn't think I would ever be unhappy again... I loved the guys in cannes like brothers and didn't think they could do any wrong...

*begin venting*
My god, what happened? I feel old. I look at myself in the mirror and think, when did I grow up? When did I change from being a happy froshling to a slightly embittered, uncertain and skeptical junior? I don't remember being 19 or 20, or being this tall, knowing this much, being this... well, jaded. I think about love and all I can think of is shattered trust and how wrong the blues-y, romantic Ella Fitzgerald songs were. I think about bio and realize that I can't be what I always expected myself to be after coming here - I'm just not cut out for molecular biology research. I think about art, lit, history, other liberal arts and how much I missed them the last couple years, how stupid I was not to follow my strengths into the liberal arts program at UT Austin. I think of my future and try to imagine myself 20 years from now as a professor, a historian, an archaeologist, an anthropologist... but I don't know. The future is so uncertain, and occasionally I find myself still clinging to the past - but I cannot afford to do this. I spent last year dredging up memories and reliving them instead of living in the present, and ended up deluding myself - failing to see how people had changed - wasting time and hurting myself in the process. Never again. From here on out, I live for today and the future. And for myself.
Speaking of which... I was listening to a Sarah McLachlan song today - Terms of Endearment (The Path of Thorns) - that brought back a few memories. The last two lines are "Funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do/ Seemed to make no difference to you at all." First thing that brings to mind is a hollow wooden book I painted for him - a rendition of Starry Night on the cover. I spent hours, days on it, perfecting the details, pouring my soul into it while I was at home over Christmas break... I remember giving it to him; watching him snap it shut with an audible 'crack!' as I winced at the nicking of the paint. Now, I can't help but wonder what happened to it - I'm guessing it's probably been turned into kindling by now - though I know I'll never, ever spend that much time on another piece of work for someone outside my family. It's just not worth it if it isn't appreciated... it really, really -hurts- if it isn't appreciated. Next thought that comes to mind on hearing these lyrics: I did my dead-level best to keep that relationship going, to the point of giving beyond my capacity in emotion and time, stretching myself thin in the hope that things would go back to how they were - and broke under the strain.
First thought: I'll never let myself fall that far into despair again.
Second thought: I'll never depend so much on someone else for my happiness, ever again.
Third thought: I'll never bend myself that far out of character again for another person.
I've discovered my final stumbling block: I'm terrified of losing my independence and identity, after rediscovering myself. I'm a lot bolder than I used to be, and less concerned about others' opinions. I can stand on my own two feet again, and help others too, and I'm more concerned with my happiness than others'. Perhaps this means I've grown a little more selfish, but it also means I'm no longer a doormat - I don't feel like being the sacrifical goat anymore. I don't feel like being there for people who didn't bother to support me last year when I needed it most. I don't feel like hanging around people who verbally abuse me - I deserve better treatment than that. I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. I will not live up to someone else's idea of who I am or should be, and I shouldn't have to. From here on out, I'm living for myself and my own expectations, and I'm happier because of it. Take that, negative self-talk.
*end venting*

Hm. What else...
core 1a: I'll be writing about public health in the ancient world - finally found a good topic :) hooray!
h 161: agh, so much reading. and a midterm
h 142: went to the San Gabriel Mission today - kinda frustrating. It's lovely, but the captions are way skewed towards the Catholic version of the mission system - of course, because it's run by the Claretian order. But it's irritating - why can't they be more even-handed in their treatment? What about the natives' culture and life before the Franciscans showed up? -sigh- The world today needs clearer vision... we talk of tolerance and even-handed treatment, but rarely practice it.
bi 122: meh. nothing new. another set out, due tues.
bi/ch 110: really should start memorizing those amino acids... and read through the book.
houselist: finally printed/posted it! hooray!
SURF paper: yeah... working on it.
doortags: see SURF paper.
flute: see doortags.

In closing - our frosh are supercool. I spent several hours talking to a group of 'em in Hell, then played DDR with a couple (+ a lloydie frosh and some upperclassmen) in the SAC. I was originally in a kinda melancholy mood, but talking to them made a really, really big difference - there's just something about talking to frosh brimming over with happiness and energy that helps you feel better about life in general. Hooray for frosh :)

Anyway, I'm signing off. Night all.

My life:

I still dislike 110. I don't enjoy biochem that much, and I'm stuck for another 7 weeks in this class. Grrr.

122 is just fine - need to catch up in reading, but A-ok. It's doable and well-taught. -shock-

core 1ab - I hate it. Already. Kate Eaton, my mentor, is cool, but I'm so afraid of disappointing her once she sees how dumbed down the paper has to be...

161 - Fun! Nothing like learning about trepanation and ancients' approach to wound treatment. Thumbs up, though Kate Eaton needs some more experience to work on her nerves, in my opinion. Neat class though.

142 - It's Deverell, ie supercool. So much reading to catch up on, though... :( 200 pages of fairly dull reading by thursday. -sigh- At least lectures are fun.

flute lessons - Worked on the slow movement today with Woodward. I don't know if I quite agree with his mental picture of it - he says it's like the story of an ancient Greek/Roman hero, one that everyone knows, but listens to again to see what the storyteller brings to the tale. The main theme (repeated three times) is the hero at three points in his life, and should reflect his knowledge/experience he's encountered. The rest is his life. I like the general idea - I thought the movement should reflect a life - but I don't think it fits with any Greek/Roman heroes I can recall, and I remember a whole lot of 'em. Perhaps a more recent hero - it reminded me a little of Pride and Prejudice, or Emma, or Sense and Sensibility... the melodic line isn't tempestuous or arrogant enough to be a Greek or Roman hero, but it just might do for an Austen heroine. ;)
In any case, even only performing on 5 hours of sleep, I did decently enough to be commended by Woodward on phrasing and tempo - according to him, there's only about a 2-click margin at which the movement sounds good, and I landed right smack in the middle of it (no idea how... maybe by listening to Gallway's interpretations?). Too fast, and you lose the depth of emotion; too slow, and it sounds heavy and ponderous. Hooray for me. :)

Orchestra tonight: decent. I've done better, but things are coming along. I really, really like the second movement of the Tchaikowsky - it's gorgeous. I almost want to cry during the opening oboe and closing bassoon solos, the melody is so poignant. Turns out I won't be playing in the modern piece - there're only parts for two flutes, and Allen wants the woman from JPL and Harlan on 'em. Works for me! I'd kinda looked forward to playing the Afro-Cuban dances, but it sure will be nice to have extra time to work on the concerto and the tchaikowsky... my plate's awfully full as is.

Riding: Rode Alabama last Thursday in the UCLA class (because someone in the office screwed up when I tried to change into Davee's Thursday class and put me into the wrong one at 7 PM, and Davee doesn't even have a class that day - the site schedule is wrong) - she's great. Not quite so responsive as others, but a fantastic mover - nice smooth trot, and her canter feels like a dream. It was so easy to keep a good seat and stay glued to her back - she made me look so good. -grins- And the way it feels... this must be how it would feel to be a centaur. Ah, fun.

Anyway, sleep deprivation's catching up to me... night all.

To close - another attempt at classification falls on its face:

What box do you get put in?
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Since I don't have time to post now, here are some lyrics to chew over:

THE LADY OF SHALOTT (11:05)
Music by Loreena McKennitt. Words by Alfred Lord Tennyson

On either side of the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the world and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road run by
To many-towered Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro' the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers "'tis the fairy
The Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay,
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The Knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady Of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often thro' the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady Of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode back to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
he flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra Lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces taro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She looked down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror cracked from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over towered Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance -
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to towered Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

TIME OF YOUR LIFE (Greenday)
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it´s worth, it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
---
The first was one of my favorite songs from HS and frosh year; the second was one of the ones I liked a whole lot frosh year and clung to sophomore year. Completely different sounds, completely different views, but I love 'em both - ah, I'm a mass of contradictions.

Enjoy, and I'll post something new as soon as I come up for air again (after the 110 set, 122 set, flute lesson, hum reading, etc).

Today has been awesome.

9:30 - Occidental for flute lesson with Gary Woodward. Broached the idea of the concerto competition... "How long have you been playing this piece?" "Um... since right before I had my wisdom teeth out, about 3 weeks total playing time" -hesitant pause- "We'll see.." Performed (with a fair number of glitches) the first movement of Mozart's Concerto in G Major. "Wow.. this piece is really coming along. A bunch of things I'd usually have to pound into students over and over again to get right, you're doing naturally -and beautifully - I'd like to bring up a few dilemmas and give you a few ideas to digest and work on, but I think the concerto competition is definitely a possible" -grinning from ear to ear-
For all you who didn't know, here are Woodward's 5 keys to Mozart:
1) Rhythm (it's like a pocketwatch ticking - you shouldn't notice it right off, but it should be there keeping you steady. Subdivide, subdivide, subdivide, but it shouldn't feel imposed from the outside, making the melody ponderous - it should come from within)
2) Repeats should be more insistent (Mozart's own words in his diary), not echoes like in Baroque music
3) Phrase endings of 2 notes should have a stress and release 'sighing' quality
4) Dynamics are all yours - just don't let them be static
5) Ornamentation - not Baroque style, not Romantic style. somewhere in between... make them original

And always think of balancing depth and lightness. "There's something in Mozart about humanity, about touching God... but there's such an ease to it. It's not laborious, like Beethoven - it should be light and elegant. But it shouldn't be so light that it loses the depth of emotion." Yaay balance.

Yup, I can already tell this'll be fun. It's been so long since I've gotten to know a piece intimately - taking it apart to see how it works, playing with the dynamics and phrasing, creating words and images to the song, and finally remaking it into something that's at once the composer's and yet mine, something intensely personal. This is why I study music - self-discovery and expression. Writing is the only other discipline that even comes close, and even that's quite a ways off. I don't think I'm explaining it very well, but I think the musicians understand me... hopefully the non-musicians do too (and boy, are you missing out ;).

Finished genetics set over lunch/beginning of class, went to genetics class and then history of CA. Talked to Deverell after class about the junior history tutorial idea: "I don't know - I'm already working with one student who's taking a 3 term junior history tutorial this year. What's involved in it, research and a paper?" "Um.. yes, I believe so" "Hmmm..." -another student asks a question, Deverell answers, student leaves- "Hm. What are you interested in again?" "Um... I'd like to focus on Native American societies, mainly hunter/gatherer societies, perhaps early agricultural ones as well" "Ok, I'll do it." -shock at quick turnaround and snap decision- "Are you sure? I don't want to overload you..." "Yes, absolutely." "Ok... thanks!"

I have no idea what changed his mind... kinda odd, but I'm pretty happy that I'll get to stick around him for the rest of the year. He's a great lecturer, and it'll be fun. And I get to take a closer look at something I'm really curious about, which is always a plus. :) Hooray!

Called my little sister on the way to orchestra (Happy Birthday, Kat! :) to wish her a happy birthday. I wish I could've talked longer... but I promise I will this weekend, kiddo. ;) At least I called!

Orchestra - that practice on the solos and other passages paid off - only a few glitches, and most of it sounded just fine. Don't think it was worth compliments, 'cause I've still got a ways to go on phrasing and dynamics to get it really good and make it sound easy, but I'm flattered. I love playing in the orchestra... it's so much fun, and it's done wonders for my musicianship. :)

Beyond just today...

The state of my mind (instead of the union): my world is warm and bright again. I dream again (the occasionaly not-so-pleasant one, but generally fine)... I ride once a week, something I've always wanted to do, I'm excelling at it and progressing towards my goal of jumping... I'm better than ever on flute: more confident, more "presence" (Allen's word, not mine), more technical skill, and more emotion... I'm emotionally stable again, which means I can help people again by lending a listening ear without absorbing those emotions and feeling awful afterwards (and I've done more in the past week than I ever did last year as a UCC)... I'm taking two really great history courses, I'm relaxed (most of the time) and I have an idea of where I'm going in life that I'm happy with. I don't think being on my own is a problem, or makes my world any less rich and lively. As Mom said a couple days ago, I finally sound like myself again... and that's a relief.

To close: I got a letter from my fifth grade math teacher the other day - I'd completely forgotten about this, but one day she lead us into the library and pointed out the newly-painted words above the human-sized mousehole: "Think, Imagine, Dream". Our assignment was to write our future selves a letter telling them what we thought they should be 10 years from then...
According to the 10-year-old Kirsten, by now I should have been a famous doctor, having found the cure for AIDS, and own 2-3 horses. Apparently, I'm not only off course, I'm a little behind schedule. ;) It's funny how you gauge time differently when you're younger... 10 years seemed like such a long time back then, but looking back it seems faster than an eyeblink.

Aight, that's enough talking - I've got sleeping to do. Night all.

Thoughts from others that mirror my own. Because I'm too tired to come up with my own.
--
It is not what you are, but what you don't become that hurts.
-Oscar Levant
--
A society in which men recognize no check upon their freedom soon becomes a society where freedom is the possession of only a savage few.
-Judge Learned Hand
--
Devil May Care

No cares for me
I'm happy as I can be
I learn to love and to live
Devil may care

No cares and woes
Whatever comes later goes
That's how I'll take and I'll give
Devil may care

When the day is through, I suffer no regrets
I know that he who frets, loses the night
For only a fool, thinks he can hold back the dawn
He is wise who never tries to revise what's past and gone

Live love today, love come tomorrow or May
Don't even stop for a sigh, it doesn't help if you cry
That's how I live and I'll die
Devil may care

-Diana Krall

Random thoughts:

on the hovse meeting
to the frosh: my god, I'm sorry you had to go through that. That was absolutely ridiculous.

to myself: why did it take so long? what could I have done differently?
--
to a friend who said that I needed to rethink my attitude towards love:
When I find someone I can completely trust with who I am, then and only then will my attitude towards love change. Someday, I imagine it will - fairly optimistic about this happening. Until then... nothing's going to happen. Nothing. At this point, I don't think I can take another big emotional hit, and I've no desire to try. I'm finally happy on my own. All I want is to be left the hell alone... yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
--
to my parents and sister:
Hi mom and dad! I'll call soon... really... And classes are just fine. History's great, bio's ok, I still have to take core 1ab (grrr) but I'm writing about archaeological excavations which should be really cool, as well as expose me to what I'm considering doing next summer. We'll see.

Kat - keep going. I know it gets rough sometimes, but you'll make it, no problem - just be yourself. I'm always here if you need to talk. Good luck on Region Tryouts on bass clarinet - I'll try to call before the auditions and wish you luck. Oh, and have fun in second year Latin - say hi to everyone for me. :)
--
to my dog:
I love you, Red. You've no idea how much I miss you... Wish you were here, and hope you're well at home, and that Mom's taking good care of you. Only another 9 weeks to go before I'm back for a few weeks.

Night all.

My life today, in fragments:

-woke up around noon :) no morning classes, hooray
-late lunch while talking to friends in courtyard about various sundry Blacker traditions that're coming up soon. all sorts o' fun. AND found a possible co-veep, since Sandy's thinking about running. Organizing alley orderings would certainly be easier than secretarial duties, and a whole lot more fun.
-decided against going to the bi/ch 110 lecture in favor of history reading for tomorrow - I believe the wednesday lectures are just about simple molecular bio techniques, and I had far too much exposure to those last year/summer.
-read history of CA reading... not too bad. Indian myths are interesting, as are the missionary diary excerpts
-went riding -grins- which always means a good day. AND got to ride Tennessee, the best horse ever. I love that little chestnut mare - she's so much fun to ride. AND Davee thought my form was good in sitting trot and posting without stirrups, even though I hadn't ridden for two weeks and my legs aren't quite as strong as they were. AND Sandy thought that I was the best one in the class (only because Yussanne wasn't there, I'll bet).
-Mongo Fresh. mmmm
-Shaft Hovse - for a house with that name, it's awfully nice. Got the full house tour from Sandy and Lucie

and now, I'm sleeping. It's been a great day. Kinda funny though... Earlier today, I was wondering if I'd ever be able to see past another person's faults again, enough to love someone without reserve. Then, all I could think of was maybe, I don't know. Now, I realize that I have plenty of time - I only have the rest of my life to figure that one out, so why rush? There's time to spare, and I'm having an awful lot of fun on my own and with friends... I don't need someone else around to validate my worth anymore - I know I cannot be someone I'm not, and that I'll be happiest pursuing what I love to do. I don't need someone else around to validate who I am or who I choose to become in life, touch me, share my dreams/heart/whatever, move me to tears, or anything else. My friends, family and dog are enough.

Take that, world! I'm no longer afraid of what you can throw at me. I can survive. And I can find happiness again.

What's happened (summary, 'cause I'm about to go sleep and wake up early to work on bi/ch 110):

-finally submitted history double major paperwork
-looking into archaelogical fieldwork training next summer - sounds promising. maybe I can get study abroad fellowship money for it too... need to look into that Bishop program for juniors. travel + history + unearthing more history = awesome.
-genetics is fun :) I liked that set, it's a good class, positively delightful
-bi/ch 110 isn't fun at all... too much like o chem for my liking. and I'm still not done with the damn thing. grrrrr. it's why I'm getting up at 8 tomorrow morning (well, aside from hum reading).
-ancient medicine looks really cool, and even counts as an out of concentration history course! hooray!
-first meeting of h 142 tomorrow... looking forward to meeting deverell, since everyone says he's great.
-I really, really like the frosh class. only would've made a couple changes, but everyone seems to be fitting in pretty well, so I'm happy. :) looking forward to having fun with 'em
-tired. still working off the sleep debt from sat night/sun morn.

sleeping now, night all. orchestra tomorrow night, love to family and Red.

Wow. I'm on picks. And boy oh boy, is this weird... and it sure doesn't look like I'll be sleeping more than a few hours tops tomorrow night, unless we're real lucky. So I'll be sleeping soon tonight. Tomorrow begins the long, long day.

On the other hand, I finally feel like I can make a positive difference in the house. This is different from roompicks, where everyone is divided on what should happen, and there are traditions that you may or may not be trying to change (with great resistance). This... it seems like this is a completely new game around every year, because no two frosh classes are ever the same. Kinda scary when you think about it - this is part of what could determine a person's happiness for the next several years, figuring out where they fit. But I think (hope) we can do a good job of it.

And dang it, I missed talking to the second flutist in orchestra tonight (Harlan Kadish). Drat. Can't believe I missed him... oh well, if he's cool, then I can wait to meet him; if not, I can definitely wait, because three terms sitting next to him will be a long, long time. ;)

In other news - I've got a long, long way to go on this SURF report. It's rapidly turning into my personal nightmare - I'm sick of developmental bio, and don't want to work on it anymore. Finishing this will take a lot off my chest, but it'll be a while until then. -sigh-

Yeah. I'm gonna go read some ancient medicine and CA history now, maybe do some more biochem or genetics work. Night all, see you later.

Aight, so it's been a couple days since I last posted. Rotation's chugging along as always... classes are going well... nothing real spectacular happening here. Just life as usual, with less stress than earlier this week. SURF paper still up in the air, homework sets and reading to do over the weekend for classes, and more rotation meetings... meh. S'all good.
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Final Class Schedule (once I get it by my advisor Erin Schuman):
Bi/Ch 110 (intro to biochem), Bi 122 (genetics), core 1a, Bi 80 (bi major seminar), H 142 (History of CA), H 161 (Ancient Medicine), orchestra, lessons at oxy (for units, yes. to make sure I practice).

So far:
110 - Jack Richards is an interesting lecturer - discourses about mnemonics and the 'mystery' of the English language make it amusing. I actually want to go to this class... funny that.

122 - Bruce Hay's a great lecturer - it all makes sense! Imagine that. 'Course, I did read the first several chapters of the book this summer, so perhaps that helped... but dang, he's good. Another class I'll definitely go to.

142 - No idea yet - Deverell's out of the country, and first class is next tuesday. I keep hearing how fantastic he is, though, so we'll see. Looking to enjoy this class, though it's off the beaten track for me. I enjoyed TX history, and world history in soph year of HS... but AP US history was awful (teacher was positively terrible... made us read out of the book IN CLASS, and wasn't too bright. Grrrr). This should be better.

161 - Sounds interesting, though I'm not familiar with the lecturer (Eaton). First meeting's Friday... here's to hoping it's good.

80 - easiest bi class EVER. Basically, it's a "come hear your friends talk about research and eat free food every monday at noon" - incredibly low stress, and I can just recycle my SURF talk. I'll be giving my 15 minute talk on Nov 11 (I think..), and that's pretty much it.

core - I've got to figure out what I'm writing about. Ideas so far include developmental bio of starfish, including in situ and sequencing technique explanations, or something else in bio... ARGH. I don't relish spending another two terms on this, since I've already spent a year in pursuit of developmental bio. But it would be easier, and I know a whole lot about it now. But the instructor did say that we were supposed to show our "relish" for the subject in the paper, and I sure don't feel much relish for it anymore. Grrr. Kinda toying with the idea of writing about music, or history, or anthropology, but not sure what I'd write about. And all the while, the clock's ticking, because I need to submit 4 mentor choices and an abstract in another 5 days. Ergh.
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Oh yeah... I now own two different wallhangings of deities from different religions: Kokopelli from my parents, and a cool terra cotta Ganesh from Sangeeta. Come by and see 'em if you like (I'll put them up soon). Kokopelli's the mischevious flute player, a mythical Hopi symbol of fertility, replenishment, music, dance, and mischief (also appears in Anasazi and Zuni belief systems). Ganesh, on the other hand, is from the Hindu belief system - the elephant-headed son of Parvati, god of education, knowledge and wisdom, literature, and the fine arts. More of the story:
"According to the Shiva Purana, Ganesha was born of the scurf from Parvati's body. Once, when Shiva was away, Parvati wanted someone to guard the door while she bathed.

From the scurf of her body, she moulded a boy and gave him life. She told him to attend the door and not allow anyone to enter. Shiva returned, and when he tried to enter, was stopped by Ganesha. An argument arose, and enraged, Shiva cut off Ganesha's head and entered. When Parvati discovered that Shiva had entered by beheading her son, she was inconsolable. Repentant, Shiva ordered that the head of the first living being that was found should be brought to him. This happened to be the head of an elephant calf. He placed this on Ganesha's body and restored him to life."

If this keeps up, my room's going to become a tribute to religious tolerance. Not that I mind, honestly...
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I do believe it's time to sleep. But before that... so I was feeling childish and took the disney princess quiz. I don't think this result will surprise anyone:

Which Disney Princess are you?

Amusing way to waste time. Anyway, night all, and see you later.

Looks like I'll be principal flute in orchestra for yet another year. -grins from ear to ear- Take that, negative self-talk and nerves! ;)

Other than that... I'm actually beginning to *enjoy* rotation. Imagine that.

Oh, and I decided today that I'm dropping Bi/CNS 150 in favor of H 161: Ancient Medicine. I'm finally allowing myself to imagine my future as something other than a scientist - I've been trying so hard to see myself as a biologist, but it's not working and I'm getting stressed over it. Well... since that's not working, the new mindset is imagining myself as a history or anthropology grad student. And suddenly, all the stress disappears. Funny, that. Once I quit trying to fit the mold in my head of who I should become, all the unhappiness and anxiety disappeared.

Not that I'll drop the bio major, of course. But 150 can wait another year, and I'm gonna see what happens when I pour effort into my two history courses. If I can pull A-'s in history without spending too much time on the class because I'm so worried about other classes, perhaps I should be focusing on history... not to mention that I love the subject (well, when brown's teaching, in any case. best prof ever). I need to find something I have a passion for, and pursue that, not try to squeeze myself into a ill-fitting career because I think it's what I "should" do.

I also think it's funny that once I began practicing flute again, all the stress just melted away. I went from basketcase to competent on monday after talking to mom and playing flute for the first time in days (I tried to play some on thursday after the wisdom teeth surgery, but I paid for that 45 minutes of bliss with a lot of mouth pain). There's a definite difference in my mental state when I don't practice, and I've never seen it so strongly before. But after seeing this... I do believe I would've lost my mind sometime last year without orchestra. Escaping into music allows me to forget my problems, and that's worth everything in the world to me.

Anyway, I've got tons of stuff to do before the end of the week - will try to update once I get doortags finished and don't have the wolves breathing down my neck anymore. ;)

Oh, and love to Mom, Dad, Kat, the dogs, and my Red - I'll try to call soon.